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User Topic: So, if a guy is emailing/texting...
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Just curious...over thinking, as usual.

Received a great email from a guy on OLD last weekend. He asked me to go to a festival and concert this weekend within like the third email, I responded I'd rather meet for coffee first...that was a lot of time together for a first date. We didn't even know if we liked each other yet.

He asked for my number, called me that night, asked me for coffee the next day. We met, had a great 45 minute coffee meet. He called me that night and we talked for 1.5 hours. Then texted me yesterday again.

He didn't clarify this weekend, so I asked if he was still up for that, and I kinda felt a brush off, or a miscommunication. He said, "I wasn't sure if you were going to be up for it, so I asked some other folks to go with me." I responded with, "Ok, have fun! I had a girlfriend ask me to go to dinner, so I'm headed out with her." (Which I did...)

Today, I texted him a quick "Hi" and we chatted for a few.

As of this point, he has not secured the next date. I also noticed he hasn't complimented me except for "You are such a positive person" and "You are really impressive".

So, I'm over thinking now. If he was going to poof after coffee b/c he thinks I'm a troll...he should have poof'ed by now. He also told me he is fairly new to OLD but I am the only person he has asked to meet so far. Although still S, he can file this month (1 year wait here), and is a BS, and has dated two other women before me. I've not seen a single red flag.

I'm not sure I get the talking every day, good conversation, but...hasn't really asked me out again. Hasn't poofed, still calling/texting.

What say SI? I usually get a "poof vibe" from guys now, and I don't have the poof vibe, but I"m more wondering if I've been friend-zoned and don't know.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Ok; I'm by no means an expert, but my gut feeling is that he was fishing to see how 'easy' you were with the concert invite. When you didn't bite, he tried the coffee route to get an in-person read. He's seen that you are not going to give it up immediately, so he's moving on.

I'll stop short of calling him a player, but I think he's just out for a good time.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19809 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, October 11th (Friday)

It does seem the signals he is giving off are a bit mixed. Maybe he came on too strongly in the beginning so he is hesitant to make another move???

That or he could be dipping his toes in multidating, and slowing things down for that reason.

I'd give him a clear open to set up another date, and if he waffles again move on. His reasoning doesn't really matter if you aren't looking for a phone pal.


Posts: 3267 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Ms_Strong
Member
Member # 30883
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Cmego,
He is sending confusing signals. If he was interested in you, he still could have invited you to go along with his friends to the concert. Maybe he felt rejected when he brought it up the first time?
It can be disappointing when a guy makes a date idea and doesn't follow through...he might be one of those guys. Maybe he is not sure yet whether he's into you or not...Give it some time, don't make him your dating focus, and if there is a spark, then go out with him and see how it goes. Early days yet. But I think he sounds like he is the type to bring up an event/date idea and change plans so just be careful not to revolve your life around his. I dated someone like this and often felt let down.


Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

Posts: 269 | Registered: Jan 2011
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, October 11th (Friday)

I think Sad in Az nailed it in one.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6092 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
I.will.survive
Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, October 11th (Friday)

He said, "I wasn't sure if you were going to be up for it, so I asked some other folks to go with me."

Hmm, I don't really like his answer since you had already met for your coffee date. He should have known right then and there if he was physically attracted to you enough to want to meet again in person.

Not asking you to join his friends is understandable since you don't know each other THAT well yet. But I wish he would have asked you BEFORE asking them, after your coffee date.

But maybe he was afraid to ask again and be shot down again so he's going the phone route for now.

Stay tuned and open. Maybe he'll ask you out again after this weekend.


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Somehow I missed that I shot him down, but that seems to be the consensus. It isn't like we had been talking for weeks, or lengthy emails. It was a few days of light emails when he asked me to a long first date. Not my style. I guess I should have gushed more..."I'd LOVE to go if we like each other at coffee!!!!!"

In my head I was thinking, "What if this guy is a dweeb, or weird, or I'm exhausted from studying all week?" I've never had someone ask me for a long date without at least meeting for coffee. I felt like it went backwards.

He was throwing hints at coffee, touching my arm, turned toward me, we had good conversation. I told him my schedule for that day, he remembered and texted me after my class to check on me, then called me and we talked another 1.5 hours. All signs that he was paying attention and was interested.

I was honestly surprised with the "I wasn't sure you would be interested, so I invited other folks."

Still learning...


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, October 11th (Friday)

I think him "inviting other folks" instead really translates into "asked another girl on that date" instead! He is obviously multi-dating.....likes you and wants his cake and eat it too....and is unsure of the other girls he is dating so he is stringing you along until he figures out WHO or the WHOS that he wants to go further with...

I'm almost afraid to throw it out there....but the email invite that you got from him inviting you to the festival.....was it tailored to YOU or was it generic in nature? In that....I mean, could he have forwarded the same email to a bunch of women at the same time just to find one who would agree to the date? Then, when you turned him down....another girl took him up on it...but he thought..."hey....I can go to coffee with this pretty girl...AND the festival with this one.." WIN WIN for him!

I can't multi-date.....it just seems exhausting to me. I've caught myself talking to a guy on a 1st date and mentioning something I had said to another guy in an email from OLD.....THINKING I had talked to this guy about the same thing and was wrong.....and then felt foolish. I don't know how people do it.... just like cheating. I could never pull it off...nor would I want to. It just seems impossible to keep up with several people at once! I prefer to focus my attention..... but maybe I will get better at it over time....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 10:07 PM, October 11th (Friday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2710 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, October 11th (Friday)

No, I didn't get the feeling at all that it was a "fishing" email.

He even told me at coffee that he had been on OLD a few weeks and I was the first person he asked to meet. He didn't say I was the "only" person, just the first, and I caught that subtle difference.

I don't know. I'll stop thinking about it by tomorrow and move on.

I don't multidate. I've responded to one other email since he has asked me out...because, well...I like to see where things are going to go. I don't have the time to juggle, nor the interest. One day I'll find a guy who thinks the same way.

If he is multi-dating, then I'm out. It is just that simple to me.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

I'm not sure what your expectations are from a guy that you just met. He asked you to the festival. You told him, no, coffee first. Meanwhile, he asked someone else, or made plans with friends, for the festival. You clarified that you were not going with him since you had dinner plans. It's possible that he is meeting someone else the other weekend day.

You said he's still talking to you. What more do you want?

When I was dating, I went out with different people at the same time. Mostly meeting new ones and hanging out with others. No relationships were developing at that point and none lasted more than a month. Well, one guy was a friend that I hung out with, but he may have been interested in more. Anyway, what's wrong with him meeting new people and seeing who is interested, who he likes, before committing? Perhaps he already had plans with someone else this weekend before you went out for coffee. She could have asked him...

Point is, there are many unknowns and it's very early into your "relationship." What would you like from him? Do you want to date him? Does he know you are interested? Should he have asked you out this far in advance for next weekend?


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4131 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

little~

I hear what you are saying.

I'm not worried about "will he or won't he" any longer. Frustrated some last night, but let it go.

I know, when I was dating in my youth, college and post college, there was never any doubt what the guy wanted, or I wanted. It just...was. No worries of multi-dating. The relationships happened so easy, and...for me...all long term committed relationships. It is where I am most comfortable.

My point, for ME, is that I don't multidate. I am not programmed to understand it at all. I've tried dating other people who are openly multidating, and I shut it down.

I see that I should have "gushed" a bit more...I guess...when he asked me out and... I didn't. I DID tell him that I would love to meet him for coffee, and thanked him for asking me and when he texted me to thank me, I complimented him. I think I've thrown enough hints, and responded favorably, that he should know I'm at least open to meeting him again.

I get multi-dating is fine for some people. I just know it isn't right for me, so I detach from the process.

I just have to find a like-minded guy.

What do I want? I want to not have to wonder. I am assuming when I meet the right one, I won't have to wonder.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
LearningToRun
Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

Not divorced yet? He's totally in the sow his oats phase. Tis screams multi dater all over it to me, and franky, that's ok at this point.
One coffee date does not equal exclusive.
(so yeah, you are over thinking and over invested)
Step back and let him step up. If he doesn't, he isn't the right guy for you. And no, you shouldn't have gushed. This isn't performance art.

Posts: 236 | Registered: Feb 2011
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

From a guy point of view, yeah he's probably sowing some oats. Two views of this. First, yeah he's talking or dating others. He's on OLD isn't he? So are you. We try on different people to see who might be a match. But he said you're the first, so there you go. You shot him down on his invite then revisited it again after you met. I understand he could have laid off the gas pedal a bit on the first date, but that can be very confusing and frustrating to a guy. He's just as new to this dating thing as you are and we all make dating mistakes.

But secondly, he really needs to get his business done first. I wouldn't date separated women. Regardless of the laws or whatever. There's still too much baggage there to deal with. If I saw a woman with a separated status it was like...ok next. I don't want to hear the excuses as to why the aren't divorced yet. Generally it's the financial excuse in my state because we don't have a year separation law here. I dont want to deal with that either. A year is not thst long to wait. But regardless....get your business done first. It's better for both parties.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1456 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

The way I would read it is that he is exploring dating on OLD and since you said no to the concert he asked another woman. Maybe it was friends, maybe an OLD dating partner. It doesn't matter. You said no and then brought it up again creating an awkward moment. Perhaps in that little mini cloud of awkwardness he is hesitant to ask you out again because he doesn't want to be turned down.

I don't think you should have gushed. I would have done the same as you. A concert is way too much for the first date. He is new to OLD and after his first hellish overly long first date he will get it.

Talking for 90 minutes with a new guy is an overinvestment of time early on to me. It implies a stronger bond than exists - who else do you give 90 minutes of your precious time to? It contributes to the whole overthinking thing that is so easy to do.

He doesn't know how best to do OLD any more than you do. It's a challenge all around. I would let it go and not assume the worst of him. He didn't do anything wrong. It's great if goes on a few other dates with women. Hopefully he will get himself better educated on dating! He may well remember your great coffee date conversation and call you and ask you out later on. You may not be available by then and that's just too bad for him.

The term 'multidating' is really misleading. Are you really dating a man with whom you share one coffee and an overly long phone call? I don't think so.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5737 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

When he told me I was the first person he asked to meet, I actually thought "uh-oh", but then I asked how much dating he has done. It was a good conversation. He didn't seem to be in a "sowing his oats" mind-set. Most guys are perfectly honest that they are multi-dating. I looked for red flags, and even told him I was hesitant because he is still S, but he gave me the reassurance he is filing this month. I have known couples that dated while S, and have been successful, I don't judge someone's ability to date based on an arbitrary date set by the court system in my state.

It doesn't really matter, I've let it go for now. If I hear from him, great. If I don't, great.

I don't get the concept of multi-dating, and we have had this discussion before on SI. I know I'm in the minority. But, in all seriousness, as soon as I am emailing with a guy...that means I have an interest and I'm not emailing with anyone else. In my head it has to go "Yes" or "No". There are no other options for me. I am incapable of multi-dating and, at 43 years old, I'm not going to change, nor do I want to. It is a wonderful part of who I am, and I like it.

I don't want to argue why my belief is right or wrong, it is just who I am and I've come to accept that part of my personality. It is what makes me monogamous, I can only focus on one person at a time. In the last week/week and half, I've had 43 emails from guys. I've responded to two.

Discussing this with an RL friend, I know I need to learn to be more careful with a man's ego. It is as delicate as mine. He made a few hints of being insecure, and I didn't hop on them and "pump him up", which is a trait I learned with my ex. If I pumped up ex, then his ego was so huge his head would barely fit through the door. Complimenting a guy is not second nature to me yet.

I gotta work on that, remembering that if a guy asks me out, they are taking a chance on me too.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
msk99
Member
Member # 29293
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

It is a wonderful part of who I am, and I like it.

Well said.

As a guy I may be in the real slim minority, but multidating is not something I'll ever do. Just doesn't work for me. Perhaps I'm strange idk.


BS (Me): 40 STBXWW (Her): 40
M: 15 Years, 2 Awesome Boys
Divorced

Five simple rules of happiness:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.


Posts: 712 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Alberta
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Wow. I had no idea that people think emailing + coffee + phone call = dating. SI is so good for me to hear other points of view.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5737 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I would not say "dating", there is no right term for this "figuring out" time. It is a "grey area".

I wouldn't have the amount of time I put into this guy over the past week or so...into multiple guys. He initiated all of the contact, I accepted. Maybe that is part of it, my time is quite limited, so it is easier to talk to only one at a time, until it is a "yes" or a "no" from either me or him.

After our coffee, I was a "maybe"...and that is the best I ever am after a first meet. I'm either a "NO" or a "maybe", and need further dates to decide.

So, let's see, I put in 2 or so hours into emails, coffee+ plus drive time, over an hour, then 2 phone calls at almost 3 hours, then texting of another hour. So, at least 7+ hours of my very limited time invested in a week. That is a lot of time for me to give a person, some of it cutting into my sleep time, some into my study time...but time I am willing to give because I DO want a relationship. I thought we were investing the time because he asked me for the "long date" and I would only go if I was slightly comfortable...so worth it to me.

I would be exhausted if I did that for multiple guys. I guess, in a way I can only focus on one at a time.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I don't get the concept of multi-dating, and we have had this discussion before on SI. I know I'm in the minority. But, in all seriousness, as soon as I am emailing with a guy...that means I have an interest and I'm not emailing with anyone else. In my head it has to go "Yes" or "No". There are no other options for me. I am incapable of multi-dating and, at 43 years old, I'm not going to change, nor do I want to. It is a wonderful part of who I am, and I like it.

If you're in the minority then so am I. :)


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1561 | Registered: Aug 2010
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

I agree that your time is very precious so I think you are over giving to someone who has done very little for you but buy you a coffee. Giving 7 hours of your time like this is not healthy and its not necessary to do this to find a good relationship. I think this has more to do with over giving than being constitutionally unable to 'multidate'.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5737 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
thyme2go
Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Giving 7 hours of your time like this is not healthy and its not necessary to do this to find a good relationship.

Seriously? A guy here - I don't think I could disagree more with that statement. I am currently single and dating and I willingly give much more time than that to a person I am just getting to know. I will do whatever it takes. To me, seeking/finding/learning a new SO is a pretty damned big deal and worth the extraordinary effort required. However, add the complexity of multi-dating (I can't believe I am doing that - I must be nutz) and a guy can go loopy. I need to put a stop to that - quickly.

JMHO.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9175 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Yeah, I disagree with that statement too, but everyone is entitled to their opinion. I don't feel like I was giving too much, but more getting to know a guy that kinda has my interest.

He emailed me this morning, but hasn't asked me out again. I emailed back. Trying to let it unfold without over thinking.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
LeopoldB
Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

I like multi-dating while in the gray zone. Call it having a few irons in the fire; interviewing multiple candidates for the job; window shopping; going for a test drive. If you were looking for a new home, you would visit several open houses. And then you might even circle back to the first house you looked at, hoping that it's still available and you don't have to throw in a sweetener to outbid another offer. Tre romantic, no?

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2013
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Trying to let it unfold without over thinking.
Yep. Zen it cmego.

So hard to learn this part of OLD for me. So much is out of my control. Heck, most of the part I think is in my control is actually out of my control. I'm trying not to take it too seriously, until I get serious about someone.

I like the comment you made about learning how to give a guy compliments even though that was a hot button with your marriage. A big part of this current journey for me, is learning how to do things differently without bringing all the ghosts from the past into the here and now...hard work this dating sh*t!

Coffee date for me this afternoon as well as
a couple other "open houses" in the works in the next week or so. Sheesh, look at B4me, all multi dating and stuff.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3013 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Again, maybe a throw back from the past, but I don't compete for a man's attention. If he is "shopping around", then I can tell he isn't that into me.

I am going to try to Zen this one and see what happens. I'm not multi-dating, and I don't want to force myself either. It just doesn't feel right to me.

My problem is that I can't do anything physical if the guy is multi-dating. Just me. Feels wrong. So, if he asks me out again, I'll go and see what happens. But if the kissing starts, then I'll have to discuss my position. It is just who I am.

I stand by my earlier statements, "I know I suck at dating."


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
thyme2go
Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

LeopoldB -

That is pretty much it in a nutshell. Thus my reason for multi-dating. Though, I have yet to go on a "date" with any of them. That starts soon and then I will be extremely .


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9175 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
thyme2go
Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

"I know I suck at dating."

cmego -


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9175 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

***shhhh**** a girl has to have her secrets!


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

I put in 2 or so hours into emails, coffee+ plus drive time, over an hour, then 2 phone calls at almost 3 hours, then texting of another hour. So, at least 7+ hours of my very limited time invested in a week. That is a lot of time for me to give a person, some of it cutting into my sleep time, some into my study time...

I'm hearing mixed thing from you. It sounds to me that you are kind of disappointed that he is not asking you out despite all this time you gave him including giving up your sleep and study time.

I don't feel like I was giving too much, but more getting to know a guy that kinda has my interest.

On the other hand it's all OK in your mind to sacrifice sleep and study because a guy has your interest.

I think it might help to delineate the difference between the introductions phase of OLD, and when you actually have a relationship. You are displaying behavior appropriate when there is some kind of relationship. But I worry for you that sacrificing sleep and study for a stranger who may never turn into a relationship partner leaves you feeling resentful and disappointed.

Please take care of yourself and put your needs before any stranger until he has done more to prove that he is worthy of your sacrifices.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5737 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Well, he called me tonight (wow...a guy that calls...out of the blue...no texting...!!) and we spoke about 30 minutes and he asked me out again this week. This past weekend seemed to be a miscommunication because he said, "Well, I wish I had known you didn't go out with your friend...my plans changed and you could have come out with me!". Not exactly sure what happened, but..whatever.

I do have mixed feelings about him. That is very typical for me when first starting to get to know someone. I am never "YES!". I am always either "Hell NO" or "ehh...maybe". I am a thinker/planner/evaluator. I know I am, no surprise there. When my brain starts, I post on SI to get it out. :)

The night after we talked late (I talked to him on my 30 minute drive home from class, then an hour more, so not all wasted), the following night I cut the conversation/texting short so I didn't stay up late communicating with him. Tonight, it was 30 minutes while waiting to meet a friend for dinner (she ran late, so I did have the time to talk...while I shopped! Paper was done, turned in and I was happy to get out of the house!)

I haven't dated yet since I've started my MS, so learning to juggle my schedule is a process. I keep adding things on and hoping I keep the balls in the air. But, everything is important to me, (obviously kids and school first), so I will keep learning to juggle. Dating is a choice, I will have to sacrifice/learn to juggle in order TO date. I generally plan my study time at least a week in advance depending on what is due, what kids need, etc. So far...so good.

I know where I get messed up is when there is a...change. Contact was everyday, then that changed without explanation. I assume he isn't into me, then I go from there.

My IC says I have a strong self-protection mode still going on. I don't want to get hurt again, so I shove the guy away before he has the opportunity to hurt me. What we are working on in IC is learning to push, instead of shove. Learning when I feel that panic, to step back from it instead of pushing it away. Instead of confronting him, I talk to friends or post on SI. Better than confronting him/shoving away, which is my gut instinct. I have to talk my way around the...trigger.

It is a process, a process, a fucking process.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Personally I think losing sleep, staying out later than usual or time getting cut from other boring things is some of the "good stuff" about dating and getting to know someone. Especially if you're having a great time and enjoying it. And lord knows many of us deserve a good time with someone after the crap we went through. Who cares if you don't get to bed on time. First weekend I dated my gf we were out until 3am several weekends in a row. I couldn't remember the last time I did that since exWW and I dated in our 20's. It was fantastic time and I wouldn't have traded it for the world. Sure I was exhausted, but that settles down after a bit and you can be left with fun memories. Sometimes I think many people dating forget how to have fun on a date and turn it into a job interview (how boring...ZZZZ). I also think many need to lighten up a bit about dating and stop trying to analyze the other gender so much. In the comments I read many are trying to find the perfect person to fit in the perfect mold that fits our exact lifestyle at this moment or in the near future. Not gonna happen. I think if you aren't flexible and take chances you will have nothing but dating failure. Just my own opinion.

As far as complimenting a guy without inflating his ego just know this. We are very simple creatures. You can compliment us without giving us a big head. Just tell us you like our shirt. Or that you like our car (if you do like it that is because that's huge in guy-world). Find out if there's something he likes doing (I don't know even fishing or something) and tell him you would really love to try that and could he teach you. We love being teachers if the woman genuinely seems game. Overall we aren't difficult people.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1456 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Ha! SeanFLA- one of the first comments he made to me was "Hope you aren't into cars, I lost my favorite one in the D! Now, its a minivan." I just laughed, I lost my favorite care in the D too. Oh, well, we all have a bunch of young kids and financially hurt by the D, so we make do with crappy-ish cars.

For me, I have a steep learning curve on "being a guy" since I was somehow married to a gay guy. I don't get "typical male", everything is skewed. But, I know it is skewed and I have to go to friends to be all like, "What the hell is THIS??" They tell me, "Oh, it is just a guy..."

This IS the fun part, getting to know someone. My guard is up, but that is OK. I"m open to the process...and no, he isn't "perfect", but he is "real"...and real is much more important than perfect.

He texted me this morning already. Offered to bring me coffee. Good man.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Yeah lost my small weekend sports convertible as well so I could pay my attorney. I really miss it now that the weather here is cooling. But I have my eye on another one in the near future!


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1456 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Topic Posts: 33