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Reconciliation
User Topic: Talk me down
yogaga1
New Member
Member # 36922
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, October 11th (Friday)

I feel so stupid right now but I need to chill out!

We've been in R since March, everything has been going GREAT. We have seen nothing but one wonderful day after another.

Tonight, however- fWH is out at a mandatory "team-building" dinner at a very nice local place with his 15 group team from work. No spouses allowed.

It just so happened that this coincided with him falling asleep without charging his phone last night, so his phone has been off all day. He did call me as he was leaving work from the office to let me know his phone was dead but he thinks the dinner would only run an hour, so he'd be home a little after 6:00 tonight.

It's currently 6:51 and no sign of him.

This is triggering me because his affair was with his old boss (he no longer works there!) but his new job plopped him on a team of mostly women. I haven't been too concerned until tonight, knowing he is out drinking with them and this was the exact situation that lead to his last affair. They went out for dinner with the team and one thing lead to another...

Also, I didn't know about this team building dinner until yesterday. He claims it was just "sprung on him."

Should I be fuming right now or do I need to calm down?


BS: Me
WH: Him
DDay: 12/24/2011
In R as of: 3/2013

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, October 11th (Friday)

You need to calm down. Just saw your post so I'm hoping that by now he is home.

I know where you are coming from, but try not to panic or jump to conclusions.

When we are in this hyper vigilant mode, we may tend to get carried away with worry.

I hope this did not spoil your evening together.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 774 | Registered: Feb 2012
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, October 11th (Friday)

This week has been good and I made the mistake of looking at OW's Google Plus page. She is all down about WH and I'm afraid she'll try to contact him. He's at work and who knows what he does there. :( He has a very flexible schedule and can leave whenever he wants. He's also the boss. Just has me on edge.
So I can relate. But I think you probably need to calm down tonight...you've been on track and don't jump to conclusions, if you can help it


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
yogaga1
New Member
Member # 36922
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Thank you. Deep breath.

Although he's still not home... 7:15...

But you're right- we've been on track.

Trying to chill!


BS: Me
WH: Him
DDay: 12/24/2011
In R as of: 3/2013

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, October 11th (Friday)

When he does get home, ask how things went and then with kindness, ask him to please contact you when he knows he will be well past his orig. stated arrival time (for me, well past is 30 minutes). "Honey, I know I said 6pm but it looks like it will be closer to 7."

A 60 second call goes a long way!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2326 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
yogaga1
New Member
Member # 36922
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, October 11th (Friday)

LA- thank you for the reminder. I will approach him with kindness. I won't lie - I am approaching pissy mode right now. I'll take it down a notch.

I will remind him to buzz me when late. I have a sneaking suspicion I'm going to hear "I'm sorry since my phone was off I lost track of time and that's also why I didn't call!"... trying to work up a response to that.


BS: Me
WH: Him
DDay: 12/24/2011
In R as of: 3/2013

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, October 11th (Friday)

My WH has a lot of these team meetings and travels a lot for work. He also works with a team that is almost all women. One of the things we do to make me feel more comfortable is he limits his drinking. The rule is one glass of wine or two beers. No hard liquor.

Although I'm still paranoid, it does help a little.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.


Posts: 1157 | Registered: Jul 2012
yogaga1
New Member
Member # 36922
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Daemia- that was very smart of you guys to set up some rules. This is honestly the first time since R that he has gone out anywhere without me (short of work of course).

I will include this idea into our conversation tonight for future team meetings.

On another note- we're at 7:40 and STILL not home... Now I'm starting to get a little nervous that he's been in a car wreck or something! Buhhh


BS: Me
WH: Him
DDay: 12/24/2011
In R as of: 3/2013

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Well, I say fuck that shit! You have a right to be pissed.

If I were you I would be having a fucking meltdown. This would be a major trigger for me. I mean, if this was exactly (or even if just had some elements) like how the affair started, how can't you not be triggerig?

I don't know about you, but I always tried to be the "cool" wife. Gave my FWH a lot of rope. Yeah, he not only hung himself but for good measure he hung me, too.

FWH wouldn't "think" to call me. Even if it had nothing to do with the affair, all he ever thought about was himself. That is what enabled him to have an affair, 'cause it was all MisterSister everyday, all day.

Your WH should be aware of how triggery this is for you. He could have found a phone. As soon as he wasn't home on time, he needed to call you. He should have been watching the time. He needs to be thinking of you, that isn't being too demanding. Especially when they have gone and fucked someone else. Only 7 months into Reconciliation? Naw, way too early to be slacking off.

I am not saying this to get you worked up, however, this is unacceptable, or at least to me it would be. Also, I am sorry, I don't feel like he just found out about this "mandatory" meeting. I suppose it is possible, but maybe not probable.

The thing is, if it is mandatory, they need to give the employees more than 24 hours notice. I mean, what if someone had something big already planned, or even not big, that isn't very fair of the company. Most give more notice if they truly expect all their employee's to show up.

Can you swing by where he is supposed to be?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9713 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, October 11th (Friday)

yogagal, I don't blame you now for getting pissy bc I would be too. (sorry. I don't want to fan the flame).

It is just considerate to call or send news in SOME way when you are this late.

I think it is one thing to lost track of 10-20 minutes. But any longer then that aren't we aware that hey, "this thing seems to be going long...what time is it?"

But yeah. Ask first why so late and then take it from there.

I would say:
I can appreciate you losing track of a few minutes but you said you would be home at 6pm and it is after 7:30pm. Surely you were aware that the meeting had gone way long. In the future, I NEED you to respect my feelings more then you did tonight.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2326 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
yogaga1
New Member
Member # 36922
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, October 11th (Friday)

And with that he JUST called. He is certainly very tipsy- said he had a "wonderful time, it was greaaaaat!!"...

Oh boy.

No time for anything else, his phone was down to 5% battery. He should be home in a few.

Whatever.

Thanks for calming me in the meantime! Now to suck it up, toss these nasty thoughts out of my head and put my nice face on for when he pulls in the driveway in a few minutes.


BS: Me
WH: Him
DDay: 12/24/2011
In R as of: 3/2013

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, October 11th (Friday)

WTH!!! Why would you put on your nice face? He is way "tipsy" and way late. And, and he had a great time with a bunch of other possibly drunk women? I wouldn't maybe get into a discussion tonight but it would definitely be on the agenda for tomorrow morning. Lucy, he has some splainin' to do!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9713 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
yogaga1
New Member
Member # 36922
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Sister!!!!

Here I was calming the hell down and you riled me up again!

Just Kidding

Thanks for the other perspective. Thank you VERY much because you know what...I played cool wife too. And I find myself slipping back into that role occasionally. I'm glad you hollered. I'm gunna watch my steps.

[This message edited by yogaga1 at 7:49 PM, October 11th (Friday)]


BS: Me
WH: Him
DDay: 12/24/2011
In R as of: 3/2013

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, October 11th (Friday)

(((yogaga1)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9713 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, October 11th (Friday)

I am somewhere between you and Sister - but closer to Sister right now.

It's Friday night. He's way late and he's drunk.

The nice face is not the face to put on right now, yogagal....you need the, "we will talk in the morning face."

Fill us in tomorrow!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2326 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Friday's are a trigger for me. I guess I triggered when I read this. However, yeah, I do stand by the intent of my post in that no, this doesn't slide by. There was some serious boundary crossing going on, imo. (Late, no calls, drunk, etc. )


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9713 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, October 11th (Friday)

I would be more concerned about him driving home intoxicated. If my wife called me tipsy, I would insist on driving her home.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5668 | Registered: Aug 2007
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, October 11th (Friday)

My H told me - note: told me - he was going out for a beer with his friend once the kids were in bed. (he had returned 2 days prior from a 5 day golf "weekend" with the guys).

I expressed (ahem) that I was not interested going back to old ways. As I told him, "we are weak in this area" (crossing boundaries). Let's not go back.

I also allowed myself to be vulnerable:
"I missed you so it hurts that you were gone for 5 days and today made plans to go out tonight."

Just be honest with how you felt. He needs to know.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2326 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
yogaga1
New Member
Member # 36922
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

He came home about a minute after I replied to sister.

Harden- I'm with you, was not thrilled with him driving home tipsy. That was touched on too- no nice face there.

We discussed the evening- in the end it was a very good conversation and he completely understood why I triggered. Wasn't met with any defensive actions, all warm and loving the way they have been since true R started. Calmed down a bit now.

Took a little from everyone here- set some ground rules for any future team meetings/outing without spouse- things that should have been done prior to last night. Live & Learn...


BS: Me
WH: Him
DDay: 12/24/2011
In R as of: 3/2013

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

I am so glad that he didn't get all defensive. That says a lot right there. It is great that you talked about it and have established some ground rules for the next time a situation like this comes up.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9713 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I for one would not tolerate team building meetings set outside of normal working hours! That is bull total! Fuck the team after work ends you haul your ass home! Home team is #1 what job requires you to drink after hours and mingle WITHOUT the spouse! Good thing my spouse never pulled this shit I would pack his cothes so fast! Bull on this so called meeting bull!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
hallelujah
Member
Member # 32283
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

I don't think there is any reason to be calm. Learning to call when you are going to be late is a skill you learn when you are 12. There is no excuse. Pay phones still exist and so does borrowing a cell phone. No excuse!

Posts: 107 | Registered: May 2011
LadyE
New Member
Member # 28516
Question  Posted: 9:57 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

I just read through this entire thread, and I have to say I see danger here. I am three+ years out from D-Day and FWH and I are in a cordial but sad relationship. He is remorseful and doing nice things most of the time, but it has taken too long to get here and needless additional damage has been done. For about a year he just resisted being accountable in every way he could think of as long as I was "cool" and tried to be adult about it. The sad thing is, he wasn't doing anything he could not have told me about, but his "work world" was his and he could not give up the rush of all of the meetings, etc. that I was not invited to. This team building BS has to stop now.
I don't know if you have small kids at home. I don't, and the last time my FWH came home from one of these "sorry I'm late it could not be helped" late nights he found an empty house.

He was damned scared by the time I returned and I felt like a person again for sticking up for myself with no words at all.


Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Washington, DC
Topic Posts: 23