User Topic: Telling parents..what is the worst thing that can happen?
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, October 11th (Friday)

I just saw a post re: telling parents.

Here is what my IC said to me when I ran this by her.

1. What is the worst thing that can happen?

Me: The worst? Dad would jump up, grab him by the collar and want to hit him

2. What is the second worst thing that can happen?

Me: That they do not want him in their house again.

3. How have they handled past crisis?

Me: With grace and forgiveness. My dad is exceptionally calm in the eye of the storm. My mom is talkative but thoughtful with her words.

We told my parents and they responded as per #3.

I thought those were good questions my IC asked me. #3, helped me see that I was thinking emotionally and not based on past experience.

It's up to you who you tell and why. If your intent is to show his mom that her son, WS, is not Mr. Wonderful then I think that is the wrong reason to tell someone.

If you are looking for support and relief, then I think telling them is best. Shining the light takes the power of the secret away.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, October 11th (Friday)

I just responded to that post :)

If my mom were still alive I would probably have told her. My dad is getting older and just thinks the world of me and WH and our marriage and family, I can't break his heart...unless I decide to D of course, then I have no choice.

I certainly wouldn't have told his parents if they were alive, that would have been his decision.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, October 11th (Friday)

We did not tell his mom bc she would tell other people and we do not want to be the family anecdote. My H's cousin had an A and everyone knows bc it became family gossip.

They are in R and I am happy for them.

[This message edited by LA44 at 8:35 PM, October 11th (Friday)]

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, October 11th (Friday)

The worst that could have happened is what happened the first time - I was told that I couldn't make it on my own, I should ignore, pray, submit, and be everything he could possibly want to keep him home.

Basically, it was my fault he strayed and would be my fault if he strayed again.

By the time I had the DDay that started the final chapter of my marriage my dad had died (the last thing he'd been working on in the hours before he died was a financial worksheet to see how I could manage to leave my husband and make it with three young children). Had he been alive when this all went down I seriously doubt if I'd be having to bother with a divorce, I'd probably be sitting pretty with widow benefits. As it turned out, though, I told my elderly mom & she broke down & sobbed, apologizing that she & Dad hadn't supported me in leaving earlier.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, October 11th (Friday)

I waited seven months, and two more Ddays, before telling my parents, and now wished I had told them earlier. They were incredibly supportive, and after going through a similar situation in their marriage, were able to offer good advice. I do get the feeling that they would prefer me to D, as they call every so often to remind me that they support me, and are there to help me if I want to move on, but they haven't been outwardly negative towards WH.
WH told his mother, but not his father. His mothers reaction has been to baby him His father would have read him the riot act, which I am sure is why he has avoided it despite my asking him to tell his father.

WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, October 11th (Friday)

My parents were not supportive at all, and I only told them the bare minimum. No details, just that we were taking time apart due to another woman. When I decided to R, my mom called me stupid. She will not discuss him with me at all now.

30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1212 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, October 11th (Friday)

We didn't tell anyone, although WH intends to tell his father eventually.

I didn't tell my family because they would never be able to look at him again without thinking about the terrible things he'd done (16 different hookers EA&ONS with coworker).

I'm glad I didn't tell them. My father passed away in May and I like to think he passed without having to worry about me.

Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, October 11th (Friday)

I was bad. I told his mom and told her I hope she was proud! I told her she was the reason she raised a son with no morals and look at her wonderful marriage blah blah. Yep I am a mouthy condemning bitch!

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 8