SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
New Beginnings
User Topic: moments of regression
FlySomeday
Member
Member # 35150
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Does anyone else out there still float between the worlds of self blame for where I am ...that somehow the X's infidelity was my fault and all the ways in which I contributed to the demise of the marriage..and then within a second I will float to the other side...WHY THE HELL did I tolerate what I did for so long???? Why didn't have the self worth to brave the fear and protect myself and my children. Why didn't I do what I needed to do instead of just take it all. Numb. Sick place to live. Sick especially because I'm now "free" free to me. While I have put myself out there into the dating world, you all know it isn't an easy place to be @ mid forties. I have my 'highs' where I recognize ...I am where I am and embrace it...and then the lows come too...I am where I am. A single mom ...financially ruined at 45 because of the contentious divorce and not sure of anything about my future except that I am alone Now. I know many others in similar places. However, most of the single parents I know have the benefit of financial security. How do they fix things? Just throw some $$ at whatever it is. Ok, this is pathetic...I'm going to stop my pity party for myself right now. Does anyone else go there even months after the divorce?? Thanks.
-Fly


Digging Deep in the Mud

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Virginia
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, October 11th (Friday)

I don't consider it regression I think its progress.

I spent the first year blaming him for ruining my life. Now don't get me wrong - I do still blame him but its different. In that time I also beat myself up a lot for marrying him in the first place.

Then a strange and uncomfortable thing happened. I started thinking about how my choices, FOO coping mechanisms etc led me to this place. I spent a little time angry at myself but the further I get along on this road the more I see how important this part is.

My own fucked-up coping mechanisms led me to this place. Led me to a man like him. Led me to tolerating that unhappy life I was living. I think I was always heading towards a WH.

The beauty of it is that I have found the hidden steaming pile of shit within me that I need to shine a light on and work through. I may never have found it had I stayed in the 'its all his fault' place.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5608 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
meaniemouse
Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

FlySomeday--I know exactly what you mean--and I've been at this for a long time and I am way older than you. It's hard to keep hoping that things will get better. But I do. Just not sure when. Hang in there.


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2125 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

Fly...I think that once the D is final, you can finally breathe some, and reality smacks you in the face. Now that you are no longer immeshed in the day to day problems of going through a D, you are digging deeper, and that is normal.

I did it too..."HOW did I miss that he was gay??" "WHY did I allow that behavior?"

The bottom line is that I wanted my family and marriage intact, therefore I "looked the other way". I don't beat myself up for those choices any longer, all we can do is NOT make the same mistakes. Learn that "ignoring" the problem doesn't make it go away. Choose a better partner this time. Stay in the present and look forward


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4180 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Yes, I do too. I go between blaming myself for not being good enough or for things I did in the marriage, to asking myself why I put up with so much crap, to beating myself up for marrying such an ass. I hate it. :(


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Topic Posts: 5