Topic: Is year 2 easier?
Member # 38303
| Posted: 10:20 AM, October 12th (Saturday)|
Just wondering...because my DDAY is coming up in a few months, and right now all I can think about is what WW/OM were doing at this time last year...I guess I was wondering if once DDAY has passed, when I think back on the year that has passed it will start to seem more like something that HAS happened, and not something that IS happening? Just a thought.
I'm not the monster in the shadows; I'm just the one with the flashlight.
Posts: 1323 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Member # 36622
| Posted: 10:26 AM, October 12th (Saturday)|
The sharp stinging pain lessened. The urgency to save the relationship calmed down. The anxiety and the anger calmed down. So yes it got better in a lot of ways.
The main feeling for me through year two was just a deep deep sadness. Struggling to find meaning and joy in life. I almost missed the pain and determination that went along with it.
fWS 36 (broevil)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better
"Knowing is half the battle"
Expecting progress not perfection
Posts: 2322 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 34086
| Posted: 10:29 AM, October 12th (Saturday)|
FP - It varies for everyone, but some people actually find it harder (raising hand). The shock is over, but reality sets in. This ain't going away, it isn't a dream, HB is mostly over, and life starts to settle into a "routine". But the routine is a trigger, because it reminds you (the BS) that you thought you were safe before. I'm almost done with year two, and I'll be glad when it's gone. That is my experience.
Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)
Posts: 3065 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 15902
| Posted: 10:36 AM, October 12th (Saturday)|
For me year 2 was much easier.
Whether it is harder or easier largely depends on the BS. If you're able to accept what has happened and can come to terms with the anger, than R should flow smoothly. If you remain angry, continue to blame the affair as the cause of your suffering, and demand your WS change to please you, then R will remain a struggle.
Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled
Posts: 5591 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 30314
| Posted: 10:43 AM, October 12th (Saturday)|
what Chicho said...
and added to that - now I question my self respect if I'm staying. I think about divorce every day. I don't want this to be part of my marital history. If there are any screw ups I'm done... and that's no way to live. It's a deeply contemplative year.
My husband was exactly this far out from my affair when he decided to have his. I understand the mind set now. However, I have no right to do anything that angry but sit, feel the pain, and wait for it to be over... and hope for clarity..
[This message edited by rachelc at 10:44 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]
his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12
4 kiddos in lower 20's
“He has no idea how beautiful the ordinary becomes once it disappears."
Posts: 3270 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 30817
| Posted: 10:45 AM, October 12th (Saturday)|
Year two was not much better at all. It just offers a different phase to the healing process. Things normalize, but that doesn't always make it easier. There is still much healing to be done.
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi
Posts: 5754 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 18429
| Posted: 10:54 AM, October 12th (Saturday)|
Many people on here report that year 2 is harder, but in different ways. It was harder for me for sure. Everyday of the 2nd year, I told my H I wanted to D, and I meant it every time I said it. The sadness was more encompassing, the loss was greater, the loneliness was more intense, the fear was more overwhelming.
It wasn't until the third year that things started to get better for me. Halfway through the 3rd year, I was able to reach forgiveness. Funny, just 6 months before that I wanted to D him. What a difference a day makes.
It's not all doom and gloom for everyone, but for many it is. It doesn't mean that there aren't good days still, it doesn't mean that there isn't progress because there is. It just means it still sucks.
DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10
Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Member # 37765
| Posted: 11:24 AM, October 12th (Saturday)|
I think by year 2, if R is going well, the pain, shock, and anger have subsided enough to allow you to really grieve all that you lost. Ten years into my marriage, A year and a half ago, things weren't perfect, but I was looking forward to growing old with and deeply in love with my husband. Now I don't have any certainty of either. I accept that, but that reality is also very sad. As a result, my baseline is pretty sad when it comes to our marriage. R is going very well, and he is working his a#$ off every day, so I'm hanging in there. My hope is that with time, those feelings will return, but WH and I both understand they may not. This is our new reality. Sigh. Welcome to year 2.
Taking it one day at a time.
Posts: 341 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 35387
| Posted: 2:50 PM, October 12th (Saturday)|
For me year 2 has sucked. The anger and rage hits harder. The "what we're you thinking" still takes my breath away.
The loneliness is terrifying. I have felt so very alone. My friends and family simply don't understand why I am still upset.
I find that I have to work harder to make it through each day. Counselling, reading books, opening myself up WH and realizing that I need to work on my own issues has started to take up most of my time.
For me year two is hard work. Only 6 months in and I'm exhausted.
[This message edited by Zayda1 at 2:51 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]
Me (BS - 36)
WH (Sicktomy - 38)
Married 8 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)
Posts: 421 | Registered: Apr 2012
Member # 38303
| Posted: 5:04 PM, October 12th (Saturday)|
Thanks everybody. I appreciate all the insights.
I'm not the monster in the shadows; I'm just the one with the flashlight.
Posts: 1323 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Member # 36345
| Posted: 8:22 PM, October 12th (Saturday)|
My husband and I are almost 18 months out.
Being a FWW, I can tell you that year 2 has been worse. I have heard a lot around here that year 2 is harder because the BS is starting to grasp more what has happened.
My husband and I have been having a bit of a rough time lately. My husband still has triggers, still has mind movies and still has a lot of bad days.
Things are slowly getting better. We are working through things. But for us, so far, year 2 is worse. Here's hoping year 3 is better.
BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
D-Day: April 19, 2012
Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 37455
| Posted: 8:44 PM, October 12th (Saturday)|
Chico hit it pretty well. It's why I question acceptance vs rug sweeping. Also I've come to hate the plane of lethal flatness.
BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone
Posts: 1771 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 40574
| Posted: 8:51 PM, October 12th (Saturday)|
Year 2 for me was a bit odd, but that was because I put up a wall and didn't deal with anything. I don't even know at this point how I did it (my IC say's it is actually quite common - PTSD type thing), but I managed to 'fake' my way through most of year 1 and year 2. It wasn't until year 3 that I started to fall apart, and all the repressed emotions came out. Not a pretty sight at all.
So.. what year am I actually in? I wish I knew.
Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009
She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.
Posts: 254 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Member # 31240
| Posted: 10:09 PM, October 12th (Saturday)|
The 4.5 months before my first antiversary - i.e. the A season - was pretty bad. I felt a lot of relief after the actual antiversary.
My 2nd year was definitely better than my first, but it was far from good.
It was worse for my W, as she got deeper into her issues.
FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.
Posts: 8536 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 37107
| Posted: 12:47 AM, October 13th (Sunday)|
Year 2 has been awful so far. For me it's been just as bad as year one, but in a different way. The pain is not as raw, hot and intense, rather it's an incredibly deep, sad, life-sucking kind of pain.
I find I am now continually questioning whether I want to R or D, whether I will ever be happy in this marriage again.
now I question my self respect if I'm staying. I think about divorce every day. I don't want this to be part of my marital history. If there are any screw ups I'm done... and that's no way to live. It's a deeply contemplative year.
^^ this exactly
[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 12:47 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]
BS (me) 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a babe on the way!) & 18yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later Trying to R
Posts: 705 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 34689
| Posted: 1:28 AM, October 13th (Sunday)|
Easier for me, harder for my wife, but not easy no matter how you look at it.
BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.
Posts: 874 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Member # 37274
| Posted: 8:32 AM, October 13th (Sunday)|
I'm only a month into year 2 but so far it's exactly like everyone else said...harder, more real, more intense.
Still so many unanswered questions, even the questions that have been answered don't make sense to me yet. None of it makes sense to me yet....and lots of what ifs still.
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
2 kids...3 and 1
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"...she also happened to be married to WH's best friend.
Posts: 178 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 40462
| Posted: 8:47 AM, October 13th (Sunday)|
As someone 8 months into our journey, I appreciate reading this thread. It helps me to understand when I have weeks of positive work, only to feel like a failure when I fall into the dark sadness again.
It's a shitty journey to have to take, but this site has made me feel better prepared to understand the ups and downs and not have a knee-jerk reaction to them.
Thanks everyone, and best of luck FP, you've made it this far!
me, BW: 33
Dday: feb 11, 2013
Dday #2: may 6, 2013
LT PA and EA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 2 and 5
Posts: 271 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
Member # 40637
| Posted: 9:31 AM, October 13th (Sunday)|
My DD was 7-8-13 it terrifies me to read that year two will be just as bad or possibly worse. I'm 59 years old. Will I feel like this for the rest of my life?
BS - 59; fWH - 58 (yes, I believe he is a fWH now!)
2 grown children, 1 grandchild
Married 36 years, he is my only
Married OW, PA 2009-2011(updated tt) sexting with same OW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out. In
Posts: 74 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Member # 36029
| Posted: 7:54 PM, October 13th (Sunday)|
I don't reply to many threads but I will say year two has been a mixed bag for me. It has brought the realization that I will never forget and always wonder if I will get hit with a second DDay. I now realize that my viewpoint of marriage is completely changed, and after seeing how common adultery seems in our culture, this year has made me question why people even bother getting married.
On the other hand, year two has brought a renewed sense of strength for me. I know I can survive being by myself if a second DDay ever happens. I know that I will not be alone forever, if I am not with my WH. Although I have vowed that if my WH and I are ever not together, I will simply get a FWB or marry for money - emotions are overrated - lol. Just kidding, well maybe :)
Me (BW) - 36
Him (WH) - 35
Married 15 years (HS sweethearts)
DD - 9, DS 2
OW - I don't really care enough about her to acknowledge her!
Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 34353
| Posted: 9:10 PM, October 13th (Sunday)|
In some ways, yes, its easier. I have let go of some of the anger and when I do get mad or upset its not consuming me like it was. Its always going to be a part of us and I don't like that. Cant change it so acceptance has come but I don't like it.
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile
Posts: 1498 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 34197
| Posted: 7:20 AM, October 14th (Monday)|
We hit our 2 year mark on the 6th. Things are easier now because I've forgotten some of the smaller A things that use to bother me day to day. I don't feel the need to check up on him the way I did before. I don't depend on him the way I use to, I know I can be happy on my own, I'm stronger and I can laugh now...a real laugh.
The downside is that I don't feel like I NEED him anymore. It's too easy to bring up divorce, and to mean it (which we never talked about before the affair). There are some details of the affair that I haven't been given an acceptable answer to...now it's to the point where he feels like I should be done asking but I feel stuck.
Year 2 feels very stale but I've gotten back to being me and so I know I'm going to be OK no matter how this turns out!
The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.
Posts: 195 | Registered: Dec 2011
|Topic Posts: 22|| |