SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Off Topic
User Topic: About 13 yo daughter's sexuality
espoir1114
Member
Member # 34089
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

I know there are lots of clear minds out there, and I really need some advice...

My 13yo daughter told me yesterday that she is gay and has known it for a long time. This completely took me by surprise, and only came out because she wanted permission to ride on the Gay Straight Alliance float in the homecoming parade. I said no.

Some background...
D is in 8th grade. She has a good friend who got permission to start a GSA club at the middle school level, except it's called Diversity Club and is open to anyone who feels like they don't fit in for any reason. This friend is bi-curious, but D says she didn't know that until recently. That's how the whole parade thing started.

I had a very long conversation with D about her reasons for thinking she's gay. It's completely based on feelings and attractions she's had, no sexual experiences at all, boys or girls. And a "long time" in her life is since 7th grade :) So I told her (after doing hrs of reading on the topic beforehand) that it's completely normal. It doesn't necessarily mean anything. Her teenage brain in the middle of puberty is totally messed up and is sending lots of mixed signals. We had a long discussion about the pitfalls of labeling herself at this age and how it will stay with her for a very long time even if her feelings change. She understood.

Here's the kicker... I expected her to breathe a sigh of relief, and it turns out she doesn't care one way or the other. That part is making me crazy. In fact, she acts like she hopes it's true and in the end she's "right".

I'm not a homophobe. I'm tolerant of other people's choices, but, I also want the easiest life possible for my children. I told her that while her father and I are tolerant of homosexuality it's not something we agree with, but we will always love her no matter what. I went on tell her about all the things she will miss out on - marriage, babies - the most important things I've ever done, but she doesn't seem swayed.

So here we are. Biologically I don't feel like she's any different than half the 13 year olds out there. But I want her to want to be straight and she doesn't seem to care.

What do we do? I think we should consider sending her to the small, Catholic high school in town instead of the huge public HS where she plans to go with all her friends. The small hs won't have a GSA club where they are ready to welcome her with open arms. And her bi-curious friend won't be there.

It occurs to me that maybe not wanting my D to be gay does in fact make me a homophobe. SO BE IT. Don't respond here just to tell me that!
Please just respond if you have some useful thoughts or advice or maybe you have been in a similar situation.


BS-42
WH-44
Married-20 yrs
D-12
S-13
DDay 10/5/11

Trying to forgive and move on.


Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011
KVille
Member
Member # 29071
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

The only advice I can give you is not to punish your daughter by pulling her away from her friends. She came to you because she felt she could trust you with something that is important to her. If she is gay, punishing her can cause to much damage that I will not go into here.
Others will respond that can help much more than I can.


never ever getting back together

Posts: 167 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: North Carolina
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

You might consider contacting PFLAG. Whether she turns out to be gay or not, I think you would find support from other parents who understand your disappointment and worries.

Even if she does turn out to be gay, she can get married and have babies. Not in the Catholic church, but she can have a family.

Give yourself time to work through this emotionally--whatever happens. There's nothing you can do to make it turn out one way or another--she's gonna be what she is.

((espoir1114)


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8805 | Registered: Jan 2008
Grace and Flowers
Member
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

As a parent of a gay child, I'm sad that you tried to "frighten" her by saying she could never have kids or get married. She probably wasn't "swayed" by that argument, because it's just not factually true. Being female, she can choose any number of ways to bear a child, or adopt. And she can, in fact, legally get married.

And you are thinking of sending her to a school that does not have a similar club, that would "welcome her with open arms". My son's school would not allow such a club....but they sure did allow his life to literally be threatened every day....not just bullying, but other kids ACTUALLY THREATENING TO KILL HIM. How I wish he'd had anything at school where he felt welcome.

KVille is right...she came to you because she trusted you. Upending her life would just be punitive...and might result in her never opening up to you again. Is that worth it?

Finally, I know a lot of gay people. My sister has been with her wife for over 30 years...legally married for five years. Every gay person I know, including my son, has told me that they've ALWAYS known they were gay. That there was never a period of uncertainty. And I know that not one of my gay or bisexual friends has ever made me feel like I myself might be gay. I'm comfortable in my heterosexuality, and always have been.

I also urge you to go to a PFLAG meeting. You will find good information, and absolutely no judgment. There are plenty of people who go to PFLAG that are tolerant of homosexuality, but don't think it's the greatest thing for their kid.

One last thing....my other son has cerebral palsy. I also want his life to be easier. He did not "choose" his cp any more than his brother "chose" to be gay. But both boys have vibrant, happy lives, and have grown up to be strong, compassionate, caring men, despite the "issues" that may mark them as different.

Please know that if your daughter is gay, she really will be ok. She clearly loves and trusts you. It sounds like you have raised her to be honest and good.

[This message edited by SadMad2012 at 12:06 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]


I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1158 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
his#1
Member
Member # 3432
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I have a 22 year old daughter who told me when she was in high school that she was in a relationship with another girl.

At first I was very upset and talked to my daughter about the choice. Two of her best friends growing up had come out of the closet and I felt like she was saying she was bi as a way of showing her support. I told her that her Dad and I would love her and support her no matter what her future significant other looked like, and that it was HER LIFE, not mine.

I went through almost a grieving process which I know makes me sound horrible, but it's honest. I felt like I was going to not get a chance to see her walk down the aisle, or hold her babies in my arms.

Then I started researching. I knew she could still have babies, so that fear went out of the window. I also knew that someday she would still be able to walk down the aisle, weather it be an actual marriage, or a commitment ceremony.

Mostly I think my fear was over how much harder her life would be dealing with small minded people and I didn't want her to have to deal with that.

I support her 100%.

I can tell you that as of today she is in a relationship with a young man whom she loves very deeply and he treats her like a Goddess. If she were to marry him tomorrow I would feel so very blessed that she found someone who loves her that much.

I would feel equally blessed if her young man were a woman as long as my baby were loved THAT STRONGLY.

Your daughter telling you she feels like she is gay is testament to her trust in YOU. If you jerk her out of school and try to force her to believe a different way, it will only shove her into the belief that she IS gay and she will no longer trust you.

She is a teenager. She is going through some serious changes to her body AND brain. Give her time and space to learn who she is and let her know you love her and will be there no matter WHO she loves.

And I also agree that PFLAG is an excellent resource.


**The soul would have no rainbow
Had the eyes no tears.~J.Cheney
**Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey

Posts: 1648 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Michigan
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I have a friend who told me that he knew he was gay when he was 6 years old. I asked him how he knew if people aren't even aware of their sexuality at that age. He said he just knew.

He has also been shunned by everyone in his family for his whole life. This, IMO, makes it a tougher life than being gay and being able to be comfortable in your skin because you are accepted by your family.

He's married too, btw. No kids, but that's a choice that he and his husband made.

But I want her to want to be straight and she doesn't seem to care.
I'm thinking she cares a lot, that's why she came to you. Imagine her asking you to be gay and you saying you can't, that you aren't gay (it's true, right?). Now reverse it. That's how she's feeling.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37162 | Registered: Sep 2007
UnexpectedSong
Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I'm in theatre. Almost everyone says they knew in kindergarten.

She will be able to get married and have children.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6083 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Stillstings
Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

It's completely based on feelings and attractions she's had, no sexual experiences at all, boys or girls.

I didn't have any sexual experiences until my 20's. I've always been attracted to males. My "school girl crushes" were all on boys. I was about her age when I started to get "ideas" about sex, always about the male gender.


I went on tell her about all the things she will miss out on - marriage, babies - the most important things I've ever done, but she doesn't seem swayed.

She can still do all those things. If she wants them in the first place. I have quite a few homosexual friends in my life and some are parents. Very good ones too with nice children.


The small hs won't have a GSA club where they are ready to welcome her with open arms. And her bi-curious friend won't be there.

If she is indeed questioning her sexuality this will do nothing but shove her deeper in the closet. Clubs and groups that are so valuable for youths that are going through this thing. Many of my friends work with gay or bi teenagers and consistently say the trend they see is that too many parents make this about them and not the child. Children do not want to disappoint their parents and just knowing by existing they are breaking their mom and dad's hearts it's a very stressful thing to deal with. That is how so many end up developing extra issues like depression or addictions.

Instead of trying to scare her straight, ask her what is going on with this group. What do they talk about? She reached out to you for guidance and she's being shut down and dismissed. Alienating her will make things way worse than they have to be. Like everyone else said, PFLAG is a great place to start.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 356 | Registered: Aug 2012
cissie
Member
Member # 17637
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Considering your daughters age, and the shock you felt, I think you handled this quite well.

If your daughter at 13 came to you and said she wanted to be a neurosurgeon or a florist you would probably say to her to keep an open mind and find out what these particular paths in life would mean for her future.

13 is a difficult age. Peer pressure is huge at that age. You only have to see some of the teen girls around who all wear the same clothes, and act the same way. Some of them can be very promiscuous heterosexually, and I think 13 is too young for that also.
As she has apparently not shown much interest in being gay before her friend introduced her to the club,it may be that she currently does not have much interest in sex or boys and therefore thinks she might be gay.
I think it is difficult to tell if it is a passing phase. When a long time is about 9 months to a year, at a time when hormones can be all over the place, I am not sure that is something to base the entire future on.
We all joke about girl crushes, but a lot of us have had them. I idolized a female teacher when I was that age, and also an older girl in the school. I am glad that no one was around to try to label me then.
I think your wait and see approach is good. I have no real advice for you. Your daughter knows you love her and that you will never do anything to harm her.

[This message edited by cissie at 2:07 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]


Posts: 527 | Registered: Jan 2008
espoir1114
Member
Member # 34089
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

She can't actually get married in our state, but that's not really the point. And as far as babies... I'm a woman, I clearly know that she can biologically have a baby whether she is in a relationship with a man or a woman or no one at all! What i told her is that she will not have children that are part of her and part of her husband. And that's true, there's no way around it.

Trying to scare her? Really? I'm trying to show her some of the realities, because right now she denies that there is any downside at all. Who is going to be honest with her?

When I said " I want her to be straight and she doesn't care" I meant that she doesn't care if she's gay or straight - not that she doesn't care what I think.

I told her that she could be happy, that she could fall in love. But is it so wrong to want HER to want those things to happen with a man instead of a woman?


BS-42
WH-44
Married-20 yrs
D-12
S-13
DDay 10/5/11

Trying to forgive and move on.


Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011
Stillstings
Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Did you tell her you are now thinking of pulling her from school? If you did that would freak the hell out of me as a teenager.

Is it wrong for you to want these things with a man? Not really but why is it so important to you? What about what she wants? If she's a happy, well adjusted child who grows into a decent adult shouldn't that matter more?

Seriously though, ask her what goes on at this club. Is it for support? Figuring things out?


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 356 | Registered: Aug 2012
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Please just respond if you have some useful thoughts or advice

My advice is that you work on you. Let your daughter be who she is - straight, gay, bi, trans, herself. Your problem with her sexuality is yours, and yours to deal with - not hers. There's some great advice in this thread. Your daughter deserves parents who support her no matter who she is, so please do the work necessary to become that parent.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 2:52 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13656 | Registered: Jul 2011
FirstLoveGone
Member
Member # 25957
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I think all of the advice you have received here has been excellent.

My one addition is this: why do you think this is necessarily a CHOICE she is making? Being hetero, homo, bi,,etc. is part of someone's being, just like the color of one's hair.

She will be struggling with this. Please don't make this harder for her. You will need to work through this too. I hope you can find support at a PFLAG group.


Posts: 1268 | Registered: Oct 2009
woundedwidow
Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

If your daughter is indeed gay, it is not a choice but an inherent part of her being. So when you say that you "want her to WANT to be straight", you're essentially saying that you want her to be something other than what she is - and by default, that implies that what she is is LESS THAN. You even said that she will not have children that are a part of her and her husband. Well, what about single women who choose to have children? Are their children second-rate because they are not the fruit of a marital union? I would think not. I would recommend that since your daughter has apparently felt this way for a long time, you attend PFLAG and/or related group meetings, or even counseling to deal with your feelings regarding her homosexuality. Her life is HERS to live. No one gets a guarantee of an "easy" life, and we never know what can happen that can disrupt our lives' progress. Please support your daughter in whatever fashion she NEEDS. Btw, my stepdaughter came out at age 14, and now lives as a trangendered FTM (female to male), so I have some experience with these issues.


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 368 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
espoir1114
Member
Member # 34089
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Cissie - it's funny that you mention neurosurgeon, because my D also says she wants to be a surgeon, based on nothing but a frog dissection :) And when we talked about her sexuality I told her I take her proclamation that she's gay with a grain of salt just like her proclamation that she's going to be a surgeon. It's not that I don't believe her, I just know that she has a lot of life to live and experiences to go through that may change her mind.

SadMad - you say that none of your gay friends have ever made you feel like you might be gay. Even when you were 13?! Really? Because I find that 13 year olds question just about everything about themselves. So here's my D with these confusing thoughts which are a very normal part of puberty, and her friend who has already decided she's bisexual and has it all figured out. She felt like she had to decide on a career because she hated being undecided when most of her friends had already chosen a path. So she latched on to the idea of surgeon. That's just a job! So of course she wants to figure this out also!! I want her to have a clean slate so she has the space to figure it out without latching on to the easiest thing.

It's funny how people will assume the worst of you when they disagree with your opinion. I am not a bully who tried to frighten my child or punish her. I did not threaten to pull her out of school and away from her friends. I'm considering it, yes, because maybe it's the clean slate she needs.


BS-42
WH-44
Married-20 yrs
D-12
S-13
DDay 10/5/11

Trying to forgive and move on.


Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011
ExposedNiblet
Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

But is it so wrong to want HER to want those things to happen with a man instead of a woman?

If that is not what SHE wants, then yes, it is very wrong. You don't get to make that decision for her.

You sound a lot like my mom when my brother came out. The best thing she did was attend those PFLAG meetings. I would urge you to do the same as soon as possible. These waters are difficult to navigate for all of you, but your daughter needs your love, compassion and acceptance so very much right now, and you need to be able to give them to her unconditionally. Please do all you can do to make sure you can be there for her, regardless.

Good luck.

((((espoir1114 & DD13))))


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Stillstings
Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Clean slate from what? She isn't a delinquent who fell into a bad crowd. If you think taking her away from this club and friend will get this "stuff" out of her system you are wrong. The chances of her finding a friend like the bi one you think is such a bad influence are pretty good. It just won't be in the open. Unless this friend is doing something dangerous I see no problem with her.

Sexuality is not a choice. I don't remember the day I decided men turned me on. It's just what I always knew.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 356 | Registered: Aug 2012
Stillstings
Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Just to add, nobody is assuming the worst of you. I as well as others don't want you to end up like parents who push their children away.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 356 | Registered: Aug 2012
his#1
Member
Member # 3432
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I don't think it's wrong for you to WANT her to be straight. Being gay is HARD. It can be incredibly difficult to be different in ANY way when you're so young (heck, even when you're older).

I have a set of twin cousins. One is gay (he says he is "flaming gay lol") and his identical twin is completely heterosexual.

Their Mom will not acknowledge the gay one. She refused to even speak to him for many years. He ran away when he was 15 and lived on the streets. He is now a successful psychologist, living in his own home, happy with his partner.

His twin who was coddled and loved, sadly passed away last year after many struggles with drugs.

Their Mom will now speak to the gay son, but refuses to allow him to sleep in her home, and will not tolerate his partner in any way, shape, or form. There are no photos of him in her home, and even when my gay cousin offered her some photos he had of him and his twin brother, she told him he should keep them.

He is so very hurt by her rejection. Even his beloved sister makes him sleep in her floor when he visits, even though she has a guest bedroom.

I UNDERSTAND not wanting your daughter to be gay. I get it. I LIVED it. But honestly, if she really IS gay and not just trying this on for a while, will you treat her any differently? Will you be like my Aunt and not let her sleep in your home? I don't think so.

The fact that you are here asking questions speaks volumes of your love for her. And in the end that is all you have to do to get through whatever life she chooses to lead. Just love her.

I promise you though, if you try to take her away from her friends, she WILL rebel. As long as the friends aren't dangerous (druggies, or gang members for example) it is best in my opinion to let her make these decisions in her own time.

Take care


**The soul would have no rainbow
Had the eyes no tears.~J.Cheney
**Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey

Posts: 1648 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Michigan
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I AM GAY.

I knew by age 12 and it DID NOT change. Since I would have expected an even worse reaction than you gave I didn't "come out" to parents until my 30s. My father's reaction caused irrevocable damage to our relationship.

Please get involved with a PFLAG chapter before you harm your daughter any further.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2126 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Double

[This message edited by PurpleRose at 6:08 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3535 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Your response to your D makes you sound like a bully, that's why people are responding that way.

You are making your D's future all about you...

-she won't get married (where- in the eyes of the Catholic Church?)

-she won't have a baby half her, half her husband (again, this is sounding very much like the judgement that come from the Catholic Church)

-she doesn't care one way or the other (perhaps you could use a dose of this child's brilliance!)

-you HATE that she doesn't care one way or the other

-you think she is "biologically" the same as half of all 13 year olds- implying that if she truly was gay she would be biologically... what? Non-human?

You clearly are uncomfortable with her feelings about her sexuality. Even if she ends up straight, why is it your business? Her sexual preference is not something you can determine for her. I know the Catholic Church feels differently, but the reality is that gay folks will tell you a majority knew from very early on.

I sure hope she doesn't lose her trust in you. If her own mother is "just considering" sending her away for being gay, just how do you think the world is going to get more tolerant of homosexuals?


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3535 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
his#1
Member
Member # 3432
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

PurpleRose,

With all due respect, I think you're being a bit harsh.

As a Mother, when your child tells you they feel they are gay it sends a shock through your heart. Of COURSE being gay doesn't make her daughter "non-human". I think you're projecting a bit.

I also felt the EXACT SAME WAY. But I took a step back, did a nuclear crap-ton of reading on PFLAGs site, and thought long and hard about my reaction.

I WANT my daughter to have a "traditional" relationship, complete with a wedding and babies and a house with a white picket fence.

That is what MY dream for her was.

I had to learn to let go of MY dream for her and allow her to create her OWN dream. Then I came to realize that HER dream was the same as mine. Just maybe a bit different.

I don't think it's wrong to feel this way. They are feelings and right or wrong (in your opinion) they won't go away or change until they are carefully examined.

I want my daughter to be HAPPY. That was what I figured out after much introspection. It doesn't matter to me how she achieves it (barring illegal or immoral means.


**The soul would have no rainbow
Had the eyes no tears.~J.Cheney
**Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey

Posts: 1648 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Michigan
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Well maybe I was harsh, and if I was overly harsh I apologize. I picked up on the private Catholic school thing and to me it reads one way- the catholic way.

If that is not the case, then I am wrong. But I simply used what SHE wrote to illustrate my point. It makes me so sad for children when hey are judged by their own parents. Don't they have enough of that out in the world?


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3535 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Being gay is not a choice. Its a reality.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1611 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I am not gay but have spent my entire life around gays both male and female and I can say they lead ordinary happy lives. Being gay is not a choice like choosing to like blonds. It is as much of who you are as is the color of your eyes. Your attitude toward your daughters honesty and the manner in which you are contemplatin reacting is not healthy for you or her. Why would you pull her out of her school? Why would you discourage this? Because you are uncomfortable with it. She isn't.

The ones that get really get hurt and Miss out are those that aren't accepting anymore. I have two gay friends that parents chose the path you are contemplating. One now love 1000 miles away and has nothing to do with any of them. The other opted suppress his feelings and has has a life long battle with depression alcohol and drugs.

As a parent all I really want is for my kids to be happy healthy productive members of society.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8100 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
ItsNotUitsMe
Member
Member # 21966
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

The broad brush feeling I get from your post is that you are dismissing your daughter's feelings and trying to manipulate the situation so you can try to get her to fit into the expectations you have for her.

Even parents that have a more accepting and open minded opinion regarding homosexuality go through a "mourning period" where they go through the process of giving up the picture of what their child's future was supposed to look like.

My parents have very strong conservative beliefs and the worst thing is to feel like i am disappointing them and not living up to their expectations. But it's bound to happen because it's nearly impossible for anyone to make choices for themselves based on what someone else wants for them.

I don't know anything about you or your daughter other than what you posted here. But I'm under the impression that you believe that she is a "follower" and she doesn't really think things through and consider the consequences. Do you think that is solely because of her age and puberty? Or do you make many of her decisions for her and perhaps she is used to other people guiding her and she just doesn't have the skills to process her feelings without someone else influence?

I do believe her age and surroundings can factor into this, but I don't think you are doing her any favors by sharing how strongly you feel that she is straight. It could possibly cause more conflicting emotions in her and It seems as if you are more concerned for your feelings than hers.

Just my opinion...

Now on the otherhand, I have a niece that went through a similar experience and she professed herself a lesbian as a young teen after attending a group therapy type thing for teen girls. I did not believe it at all, knowing her and her personality, it was fairly obvious to me that it was something she did for attention and to "fit in" and the sentiment wasn't genuine. While supposedly in a relationship with a girl, she was still outwardly showing her attraction for boys. This went on for a couple of years and I saw it no more than a best friend situation. That relationship eventually ended and it was her first and last one with a girl and she now dates boys exclusively. She has had a terrible childhood and she is still very confused with her direction in life as her parents were no influence at all.

Quite the opposite of your situation but the trick is to find a happy medium with the right amount of guidance showing them the pros and cons of any situation and then allowing them enough space to make their own decisions.


Posts: 1031 | Registered: Dec 2008
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

A friend has recently gone through a similar experience with her adult daughter... Who grew up, was PERFECT in all ways, great student, amazing career, beautiful wedding, marriage to a HS sweetheart that lasted under a year. She is now married to another accomplished woman. But her mother is mourning that PERFECT daughter.
I don't think she is less than perfect, she's merely taking a different path. And is happy. It's been a rough go for all concerned.
Personally, I'd give my right arms for a healthy son who just happened to be gay,who wasn't fighting the demons my DS is.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 10:52 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3391 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Grace and Flowers
Member
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Well, since you asked me directly....no...I've never, ever - even for one moment - felt I might be gay. I'm not saying that that happens for everyone. There is a reason for the acronym LGBTQ....Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transsexual, QUESTIONING. Because some young people DO question who they are...and if they are lucky they have loving parents they can talk to about it.

As I mentioned, it's great she felt comfortable enough to bring this up with you. That speaks volumes. But I have to say that I agree with the poster who urged you to "wait and see". Trying to isolate her from ANY group at this age will be almost impossible. For instance, I would bet a year's salary that there are kids in her grade that are already having sex, doing drugs, etc. Most people are unaware of how much DOES go on with kids that age. I've worked I schools for years. Stuff goes on...even at early ages...that would make most parents curl up in a ball. My point is...if you can support her by listening, providing guidance, and most importantly, JUST LOVE HER, then you will be ahead in the parenting field. To take one conversation and even CONSIDERING to upend her life, her schooling, her circles of friends may have the exact opposite outcome that you strive for.

Finally, and I know everyone is different...my son now tells me of a huge crush he had...in FIRST grade. He was so young, he didn't really even know it WAS a crush. He wasn't able to articulate it at the time, or even understand it. He certainly didn't ACT on it. But now, as he looks back, he realizes he had a huge crush on another boy in First Grade.

He had to stay in the closet through high school...to all but a very few of his closest friends. The threat of danger was very real. When I found out my son was gay, my only sadness was that I knew what difficulties lay ahead for him...the prejudice, the hatred. I had seen it all with my sister. It still makes me sad that he has to deal with that, and always will. No one has ever threatened to kill me because I married a man. But, as I said previously, he has grown into a fine young man. Honest, trustworthy, caring, loving. And he has made a good life (despite the fact that he has also had to deal with cancer).

All of our kids will have challenges. Some, we will never even know about. And if we are lucky, our kids will come to us for advice, opinions, love. I beg you not to lose your chance for all of that with you daughter by trying to re-arrange her life. I'm not saying don't be honest with her on your opinion of homosexuality. You are entitled to your opinion. If you object based on religious grounds, as a parent you probably feel you should share that with her. I just feel, personally, that it did seem like you were trying to scare her, with threats of no marriage, no children. If she's half as smart as she sounds, I'm sure she realized (or soon will) that there are plenty of places to be legally married if you are gay. And I'm sure she'll grow up to read of, or even know, loving parents that are not heterosexual.

I'll just urge once more to try a PFLAG meeting. You will not find any negative JUDGEMENT about your opinions. Your questions and concerns will be taken seriously, and you will find others there that feel just as you do. Most importantly, you will get information. And that information may just help you all.


I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1158 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
bluelady
Member
Member # 11061
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

I meant that she doesn't care if she's gay or straight - not that she doesn't care what I think.

I see this as a good thing. To me, it says that she doesn't see it as "labeling" herself. She's going to love who she loves, regardless of what gender they are. If more people "didn't care", I think the world would be a much happier place.

I'm a teacher and we have a GSA at our school. GSA stands for Gay Straight Alliance. You don't need to be gay or questioning to belong. If she is straight, it's a great place to show support for her gay friends and if she's gay, it's a great place for her to get support from others.

You would be surprised at how many students ARE questioning. We are a small school (under 500 kids between grades 7 and 12). In my short 3 years there, we have had many students come out as gay and at least 2 students come out as transgendered. We are a public school and are welcoming to everyone and we teach our kids to be welcoming to everyone as well.

Sending her to a Catholic school, IMO, won't make her change her mind. I can guarantee that at that school there will be gay and questioning youth. It'll just be kept secret.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this.


Me (BS): 33

Divorced


Posts: 1435 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: a little bit of everywhere
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

Sending her to a Catholic school, IMO, won't make her change her mind. I can guarantee that at that school there will be gay and questioning youth.
I was hit on by two gay girls in the bathroom of the very prestigious Catholic H.S. I went to. (Chrissie Evert was in my grade at that school.)

I had a very similiar situation espoir1114. I am a very open minded person when it comes to ones sexuality. I don't believe you chose your sexuality, it is chosen for you. (Although, I do believe some people do "chose" a sexuality for whatever reasons they may have.)

When youngest DS was in 6th grade we started online homeschooling. DS missed a lot of school because of migraines and a weak immune system. With homeschooling we could work around his migraines and avoid catching every. single. thing. that went around school.

One night as I was tucking DS into bed I noticed a picture on his iPod. It was of a boy. I said "Who is that?" DS said "My boyfriend." Me (teasingly) "Your boyfriend? Do you mean you want to kiss him?" DS "Yes!" Oh. My. Gosh. Wasn't expecting that. My world started to swirl before my eyes. All I could see was Matthew Shepard tied to a barbed wire fence, tortured and beaten to death because he dared to love men.

Didn't say much that night. I had to think on how and what to say and try to keep my feelings out of this. Of course, I had different "expectations" on how my DS's life was going to look. Now, that was all different. It was going to look very different if he was gay. And, much harder, simply because there still is much hatred out there for gay people and they still aren't accorded full rights in all states.

(Sorry, this is going to turn into a novel.)
DS was very lonely being homeschooled. He missed all the social interaction he had throughout the school day. Unbeknownst to be, he had a MySpace page and this older boy (15) and him became friends. This boy started to ask DS about his sexuality. This boy claimed to be gay. Started talking to DS about it. Also, some men befriended DS, too. They were always complimenting him. How cute he was,etc. etc. I got the feeling my son was being groomed. I saw a program on the Dr. Phil show about how a boy (online) would befriend young boys. He turned out to be the bait that lured the young boys in for a man who was a pedophile.

I went to IC to talk to her on how to handle this situation. Didn't want my DS to not think I wasn't supportive of him if he was gay, OTOH, didn't want him to be manipulated into thinking he was gay. I feel that is what you are feeling, too, espoir. I had some very good and frank talks with DS. However, we closed down the MySpace page and he said "Goodbye" to the boy online and we stopped homeschooling. Went back to mainstream school the next week.

DS has had girlfriends since the 7th grade. Had a LT GF starting in 9th grade ended in the summer after 10th grade. Started dating a girl in the fall of 11th grade and still has that same GF now in 12th grade. I know having GF's doesn't mean you aren't gay. That has been proved over and over again.

Coincidently, just this very past week DS17 and I had a discussion about his "boyfriend". I asked him if he thought he might be gay. I am so scared that I may have f*cked him up and that he is suppressing his sexuality. I told him this. I told him I would be so very supportive if he was. He laughed. He said "Mom, I am 100% heterosexual, believe me!" I asked him what he thought was going on in 6th grade. He said he was just very lonely and that he knew it wouldn't ever go any farther than online. It was like a "fantasy" and it wasn't real, but he enjoyed the friendship and the attention.

I do believe that it can be a stage your daughter is going through. It seems your daughter has a wonderful attitude. You should be very proud of her, and I am sure you are. My advice is to listen to your daughter. To be there for her. It is hard when our dreams for our children don't work the way we want them to, but we need to support our children's dreams and be there for them.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 9:54 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9513 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

I think we should consider sending her to the small, Catholic high school in town instead of the huge public HS where she plans to go with all her friends. The small hs won't have a GSA club where they are ready to welcome her with open arms. And her bi-curious friend won't be there.

That just sounds cruel.

Take the gay part out of this statement and replace it with any other reason a kid could possible different from her peers.

Why on earth would you want to take a child going through an already difficult time and isolate her from her support system, then put her in an environment where she is guaranteed to be made a pariah. Why on earth would you even consider doing that to your own child?


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49468 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Nice post, Sister.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8805 | Registered: Jan 2008
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

I just wanted to say- my sister's gay and my Mum was upset when she came out for all the reasons you gave pretty much.

Nowadays- around 10 years or more later my Mum says it was her with the problem, not my sister. She can't believe she "wasted" a month being upset.

My sister's a doctor in a busy A&E department with a partner who's beautiful inside and out. My Mum is so proud of her and her sexuality is a tiny speck of what makes her her.

When people say about it being hard for gay folks I of course agree it can be but don't you think it's up to us to stop all that? We are all the people of this world and it's all of us that can make the change. My sister hasn't had any grief thank God and hopefully many more people have that same experience. I mean come on, it's the end of 2013- is it really that much of a problem?!

P.S my sister is awesome and I wouldn't change one thing about her.

Keep being the Mum she can go and talk to, confide in. It would be such a shame if you spoiled it- a shame for both of you.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
espoir1114
Member
Member # 34089
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

This is my last post here, and the last time I will read what others have posted. Apparently I'm a bully who thinks my daughter is only half-human and is planning to send her away. Ridiculous. I think only half of you even read my first post. The other half read the word gay and Catholic and decided it was time to start bashing.

I love my daughter and only want her to be happy and healthy. I want her life to be as easy as possible, controlling the things we actually have control over. And despite what most of you think, I THINK my daughter is making a choice right now. I think she is being greatly influenced by her peers to accept something she isn't 100% sure about. IMO this is absolutely the worst time for me to stop parenting, take the back seat and see where things go. She needs as much guidance now as she always has. Since when do we (adults) think that 13 year olds have it all figured out! And for every story I hear about gay people who have known unequivocally since they were 4, I hear another story about someone who just experimented for a while.

I can acknowledge that my daughter has just as much chance at happiness if she's gay as she will if she's straight. Despite my shock and sadness I will love and support her like I always have.


BS-42
WH-44
Married-20 yrs
D-12
S-13
DDay 10/5/11

Trying to forgive and move on.


Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 3:28 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

espoir1114...

Not one person bashed you. We have been watching this thread since you started it.

Because people may not agree with your opinion that doesn't make it bashing.

It's unfortunate that you won't be back, I think there was a lot of great stories and opinions that were shared with you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197051 | Registered: May 2002
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

I just meant that you should relax- if she is, she is, if she isn't she isn't. Who cares if it's just a phase? Who cares if she is gay?

I don't think it's a big issue. That is all


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Topic Posts: 37