User Topic: Need Advice
Member # 33362
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

Hey all,

So..... Nearly two months ago, the exWW was given a suspended sentence of 30 days in jail for failure to pay CS. She was about $7500 behind in about 8 months.

Now I've received only one partial payment. The income withholding order that was sent to her supposed employer has not come back with anything.

I'm afraid if I push the issue and have her hauled in its going to cause more harm than good. I'm positive she is going to tell the boys that "daddy had me arrested" and "I really tried". I don't want the boys friends finding out that their mom is in jail.... that couldn't possibly end well. I wouldn't even want the boys to know about it.

I believe that she is sick. Mentally ill. I don't think she will learn a lesson. If anything, I think her getting sent to jail will just piss her off and make her look for ways to hurt the boys and I.

I want her to go to jail. I want some kind of justice. I just am afraid that if I push the issue, she will make things worse than they already are.

Let me know what you think. I'm ready to just say F'it and give it six months to see if the mythical employer starts paying....

D-Day: 9/11/11 - 11 years, 9 months and 8 days after we met and fell in love.
The Worst Day of my life: 10/15/11. The Day I hurt the one who ripped my heart out

Posts: 314 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Chicagoland
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

Hi MM,

This is one of the corners that I'm backed into, also. But XPervert "can't pay" because he took on a whole other house with Ow and so is shorting money to his children and house that took ten years to build. (I am very bitter and will try to be short).

Whether this is right or wrong I don't know, but I've done some things with the CS money to get him to pay more attention to it. He's actually admitted to "overspending" and now is changing his tune.

ETA that I was delighted to find on his credit report that he had taken out credit cards to finance the A or gifts for OW and several stores and businesses shut him down.

Because I need so much help right now (and hate it), I've said to him that if he will come and help more and spend more time with the baby and DD, that I would reduce the CS payments while I have social services active. ETA that I do this on a weekly basis and make sure he knows this is not permanent. And I keep records of it.

He took to this immediately and though doesn't do as much as is needed, it did get more time for our daughter and got him to pitch in in small ways, for the family he abandoned.

He is very hot headed and I worry as you do about his temper. L suggests garnishing the wages but I want to wait until I'm out of the house and don't need him anymore-I don't know if that makes sense or not but it's my belief right now. I feel that if I did garnish the wages, he would do as you think of your XWW and the anger would rear it's ugly head.

When I move out and don't need as much help, I will do the next step.

I've heard it also ads acres of taxes, which will be a bit of fun karma to watch. The whining at mediation was borderline hysterical for L and me to see the "big shot defense" with cracks in the veneer.

With your XWW in the hopper, it's not possible for you to barter, so I'm not sure what active advice to offer and am sorry. I'll think on it a little-one thing to say is do keep track of it, because that will matter almost the most in court.

It can also be used sometimes for character reference or lack thereof.

Along these lines, a story to share is that a friend of mine has five brothers. All are professional people and one is a lawyer and a father's right's advocate as well. The reason for my sharing the story is because he's so behind on CS payments to his XW that the state took away his license. So he drives around with his briefcase on a bicycle and he made a client so mad that the person tried to run him down.

Now he's flown the coop and my friend found him many states away, on FB, his very own sibling says, "hope your stay away is long and miserable."

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 11:25 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]

Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2306 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

Hey MM, Good to hear from you again. This is a tough one. You know logically that you have no control over her choices and action nor the consequences. You also know that young kids can have a hard time understanding grown up life. I urge you to follow your best instincts and of course consult an attorney and if the boys have a therapist, talk to him/her.

Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1781 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Member # 33362
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

Lord, that sucks.

One thing that really gets my goat, is the exww hasn't seen the kids in almost four months.

My middle son is having a hard time sleeping. The therapist says its abandonment issues (gee, I wonder why )

The Baby keeps asking me what he or I can do "to make mommy come home".

The oldest knows pretty much everything. He was old enough when it all went down to have seen for himself. He actually told the little ones "mom's gone and she's not coming back. stop asking!"

The exww lives a kept life. She is in a condo on Lake Shore Dr on the Gold Coast in Chicago. Her lovers statement to the court regarding finances stated it costs $17,000 a MONTH to maintain!!!!! She claims she can't work because no one is hiring nurses.... I'm also a nurse and I see job openings everywhere.
Supposedly she is working for Aflac selling insurance.... Haven't gotten one peep from them regarding the garnishment order.... She works pure commission and probably just hasn't gone to work since court.

Combining the overdue CS and the money she was supposed to pay me from the divorce, she is behind almost $22,000..... Her lover could cover it all with a check... I bet she has it in her account at all times.

D-Day: 9/11/11 - 11 years, 9 months and 8 days after we met and fell in love.
The Worst Day of my life: 10/15/11. The Day I hurt the one who ripped my heart out

Posts: 314 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Chicagoland
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

Ok,gently, but:

You are not doing anything to her,she is making her own poor choices that have very serious consequences. If you shield her from those consequences,you are enabling her, you are being co-dependent, you are showing your children that you have poor boundaries.

Remember, this money is for your children, not for you. It's part of her responsibility for being their mother. And she needs to learn that she cannot escape that responsibility.

I know it's really hard, but this is NOT your doing, it is hers.

Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1075 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

Tell your lawyer to file it. You are not sending mommy to jail, the courts are, because mommy is not doing what she is suppose to do. If it were reversed, you KNOW she would have made sure you were sent the day she could have. She's sitting there, smirking right now, not believing the courts would send her...she's such a good person!

You said she hasn't seen the kids in months. Well, then they won't notice mommy is gone, and she isn't seeing them to tell them where she was and how she got there. If she does tell, your answer is when adults don't do what they are suppose to do, the court give them time to fix it, and when they don't, the courts decide if they need to go to jail to teach them to do what they are suppose to do.

Her actions, her consequences.

BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.

Posts: 5543 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Member # 33362
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I wrote an email to send to the exww..... I'll redact her info. tell me what you think.

I hope this finds you well.

I find myself in a predicament. According to the records from the child support agency, you have only made one partial payment since our court date nearly two months ago. According to my attorney, I have the right to ask the judge to lift the suspension of your jail sentence and ask that you be remanded into custody.

Please understand that this is the LAST THING I want to happen.

What I want to happen is for you to start seeing your children again. Do you realize that you haven’t seen the boys since June 25th? Thats almost four months! DS#2 is having trouble sleeping and Therapist says he is having abandonment issues. DS#3 keeps asking me why you wont visit or call. Your children miss you! I'm afraid that DS#1 may be lost to you. Any time he speaks of you he does it with venom in his voice. He is truly angry at your abandonment of his brothers.

I believe that something is wrong. This is the only explanation that I can come up with, other than you just not caring. The girl I used to know, cared more about her children than anything else in the world.

When you left us, you said that “people change”. I believe that is true to a point. I also believe that the change I have seen in you is so monumentally large and polarizing that there must be a root cause. You used to be super mom. Now it seems that you can't be bothered.

I am going to make you an offer.
1) Make a standing schedule to see your children. I want you to see them at least two days a week. Make arrangements to pick them up from school at least once a week to go to counseling with them (I will pay for the therapist). I also want you to attend weekend sporting events (soccer/basketball/baseball). Your lover keeps you in high style, I'm sure she can afford to lend you one of her vehicles and give you some spending cash so you can come see your boys.
2) Start making your child support payments. If you make only the $150/week payments, I will be happy. You have already made it evident that you refuse to pay towards the arrearage by the payments you have made. I need you to step up and help support your children financially.

If you refuse this gesture, than I will be forced to ask the courts to have you picked up and sent to jail. Please understand that I would be doing that under duress, but I can see no other option.

If you have no actual interest in seeing your children again, please just say so. Maybe you being out of their lives for good would be for the best then.


D-Day: 9/11/11 - 11 years, 9 months and 8 days after we met and fell in love.
The Worst Day of my life: 10/15/11. The Day I hurt the one who ripped my heart out

Posts: 314 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Chicagoland
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Don't send that, mm. It's too full of your emotions. You can't let her have a window into your heart any longer.

Let your atty draft her some sort of letter advising her that she needs to comply with the recent court decision, or the appropriate action would be taken to have her remanded into custody to serve out her jail time.

She is broken. Perhaps she is even mentally ill, but you cannot fix this. You cannot change her. Nor can you force her to have a relationship with her children.

What you can do is to be the stable one for your children. To keep them in therapy and to be sure the therapist knows the current situation.

I feel so badly for your kids. What kind of mother can abandon her young children?

Sending strength and (((hugs))).

Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson

Posts: 7827 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

mm, waayyy too much emotion in there. Sorry dude, don't send it.

Also: Do NOT put in writing that you are willing to take less cash than the agreement states. Ever. That will bite you.

You can't tell her that "I want you to take the children..." what YOU want is not important. She will see that as an order. Do NOT use the word I. If you want to say something about visitation, have it be something like, the agreement states you are to have time 2 nights a week. It would be advantageous to the children if you could try to keep this schedule in the future.

But, overall? You shouldn't send her an email at all, really. You can try to be nice, one last time, but through your lawyer. Have him send a letter stating she has 7 more days to have the CS issue corrected with her employer or it will be issued with the courts for contempt. One last warning. But it's time to let her learn the hard way mm. She doesn't give a damn,and you can't force her to see the kids.

BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.

Posts: 5543 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I also think you should do whatever you can to get the money that is owed to your children.

You are not putting their mother in jail, she is putting herself in jail by breaking the law. If she broke into a home and robbed it, the person filing the charges aren't responsible for why she would be in jail. She's robbing the children of what is owed to them.

You can't make her be present in their lives or be even a half-assed mother but you can do something to make sure that she is held responsible for financially supporting them. If I were in your shoes I would do everything in my power. If she lets it get so far that her butt is in jail, that's her own damn fault.

I get that her possible attempts at retaliation are scary but you can't let that stop you. That is what she is counting on. If you let her do whatever she wants because of that fear she is learning that she is still in total control and will use that to make you and the kids suffer anyway. If she tells the kids that daddy put mommy in jail you can explain why that is a lie.

What I would do is make a list of things you think she could possibly do to retaliate. Then make a list of what you can do in response. Then do what you need to do with that plan already written down and ready in case she does try anything. Having a plan might make this all a little less intimidating.

Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

wounded said it so much better than me.

Lawyer only at this point. Sorry mm. I know you wish it were diffrent...but stop trying to fix or help her...just focus on you and the kids.

BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.

Posts: 5543 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Don't send that. There is nothing you can say or do to make her be a responsible parent. And you definitely do not want to beg. She either will or will not see the kids -- you cannot control her. Even if she does the 2 things you request, she will be doing them grudgingly and the kids will notice. In addition, she will stop seeing them again as soon as it becomes inconvenient. And then the kids will be abandoned all over again.

You best bet is to inform the court that she is not paying. They can arrest her and she can get out of jail immediately if she pays what she owes. Or they may give her the opportunity to pay before they arrest her. I bet her lover will gladly pay to keep her out of jail.

If she tells the kids that you sent her to jail, then explain to them that is not true. That Mommy went to jail because she refused to do what the judge told her to do.

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

^^^^...what Dreamboat said. 100%.

I can relate to your situation, somewhat. I can say with 99% certainty that I would do exactly what Dreamboat and others have advised.

Also, regarding the kids, since they live with you, you will have the opportunity to prep them if she does have to go to jail. You can soften it some for them, but basically give them a heads up.

I'm sorry she's not seeing her children more often. ...sure have a lot of respect for you.

Good luck.

Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 963 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Topic Posts: 13