User Topic: what helps you?
Member # 40761
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

My husband is away from the weekend and I'm having a very hard time. Checking phone stuff online and seeing that he is texting both me and the OW at the same time is making me rage. It's scary how fucking livid I can get. He is with our 2 children and I'm home alone... I cant stop thinking about him and how he can treat me like this and be fine but I have to be here eating myself up. He doesn't give me answers to any of the questions that I ask, he says he cares so deeply bout me yet I feel none of that right now. What I can't wrap my brain around is the times he is the most caring and loving person like I am truly the most important thing in his life and the best thing to ever happen to him. He says he doesn't see why I'm so upset, and when I get this way he doesn't seem to give a fuck and mostly stays away from me. I know I should leave him, I do, I have tried to go ignore him or treat him like he doesn't matter but I can't do that because I am hopelessly in love with this man. I despise him at the same time because how the fuck can he treat me like this and think it's okay?
I just took a Xanax for the first time in my life so I'm gonna see if that helps. I am not opposed to meds! Anything to help me feel like a normal person again and get over this shit! I want his actions to not effect me at all, but I will settle for anything less than the overwhelming rage and hopelessness that I am feeling now.

me: BS 39 | stbxWH: 46
DD14, DS2
DDAY: Aug12... A continued "underground"
Separated Nov13 and Divorcing
OC Born May 14

Posts: 129 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I'm am so sorry that you are going through this.

He is a cake eater.

Not willing to give up his marriage but still craving the rush of the affair.

Meanwhile what he is doing to you is abusive.

Please take care of yourself.

Meds can be very helpful to help you with your anxiety and/or depression.
I needed both post d-day.
I also went to see a IC.
That was a life saver for me.

A good book for you to read : Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson.
It's an older book. He is a Christian author who definitely believes in marriage but in the case of a WS that wants to continue the affair and thinks he's 'in luv' with the OW Dobson gives the BS very clear advice about how to implement a tough love approach.
The ideas in the book are universal and not necessarily
just for one religious point of view.
He says not to beg or plead for the WS to stay and describes why that approach doe not work with a foggy WS.

Many of his suggestions mirror the 180 described on SI.
(Look for it in the Healing Library articles-the yellow box on the left of the screen).

Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA

Posts: 3163 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I'd be very tempted to bag up his stuff and leave it on the lawn for him when he got home.

Then again I'm an angry cleaner/purger. When I was confronted with the PA I spent the time railing at him while frantically cleaning the bedroom. At least I know my neurosis?

Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I'm not opposed to drugs, either. I used them, carefully post d-day.

But what really helped me was losing a poor excuse for a husband.

Really, the relief was dramatic and immediate. Was I instantly healed? No. But I don't think I would have ever healed, otherwise.

I hope your husband finds his self-respect and honor and is able to experience (and demonstrate) his remorse before it is too late.

Many do.

But if mine were texting OW while away for the weekend with the kids? I'd have a real problem with that.

I hope they're old enough to be safe while their father is busy epitomizing self-indulgence.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8827 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 40761
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Thank you all for your words. I am not routinely in IC but I did get Rx for Xanax because of the paid of dealing with this. Like I said it was my first time taking it because I try to go without typically. It was a godsend, and honestly just to know that I can do something to not feel so shitty. I don't think I need it frequently but it's great to get back to a calm place.

I am considering dissolving the marriage in a big way. There are a lot of things that need to be figured out in the interim but this is not a healthy place to be.

njgal480 i will definitely find that book thank you very much for the suggestion.

me: BS 39 | stbxWH: 46
DD14, DS2
DDAY: Aug12... A continued "underground"
Separated Nov13 and Divorcing
OC Born May 14

Posts: 129 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Hi prowoman,

I am so sorry that you are going through this . I can feel your pain through the page!

I noticed from your info that your D'day was quite recent.

The best advice that I was given, both in IC and from my wise Mother, was to take care of myself. To set my boundaries with fWH.
Early on I was an emotional wreck; depressed, confused, angry, etc. It was all I could do to get out of bed each day. He of course still being the selfish individual he was was determined to make it about his needs. I had to distance myself; emotionally and physically in order to start to heal. I let him know that I would set the agenda for contact with me, and if he didn't like it...well thats just too bad.
Im not saying it was easy, and I slipped more than once and let him before I was ready.

Accept help in any form that it comes as long as it is coming from a genuine source. You know what you need better than anyone else, listen to the little voice inside of you, the one that used to know how to take care of you, before all of this.

I found it helpful to "tighten up my circle" for a while. I only let in those who knew how to help be there for me. Everyone else...out! I know how this sounds... ME ME ME!

Most BS's here would also be hasty to add that NC with OW is an absolute must for reconciliation.

I'll be thinking about you.

BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years

DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers

Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, October 14th (Monday)


I see iD'Day was actually over a year ago. Just like me

BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years

DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers

Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, October 14th (Monday)

You have the power to stop this abuse.

D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8109 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
Member # 40903
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, October 14th (Monday)

I'm so very sorry you are going through this. DD for me was 07/2012 and it has been a painful journey and I'm still not sure if R is going to work. My BF of 13 years did not help matters much the first 10 months after DD - supposedly he stopped talking to the OW the day after I found out b/c he called her and then I called her to confirm and he says they haven't talked since but I still do not trust him. Your H is being very insensitive and doesn't seem to get what this really did to you. I'm new to this site but I have seen lots of advice to do the 180 so I would start there for sure.

Me: BW, 37
Him: SO, 37
No children
Committed relationship 13 years
Dday: July, 2012

Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, October 14th (Monday)

I know most agree with taking drugs to dull the pain , but I do not. sorry . I am sorry for your pain , I am there with you believe me , but drugs are a temporary , often addicting fix. You have the power to dull the pain other ways . like leaving him! focusing on you! stop being his doormat! you have power here , you just don't see it now. Go to the gym, do yoga , eat right, run, kickbox, read, breathe! All these will produce the same affect as drugs! start taking care of you and get out of the victim mentality! sorry just my opinion. you deserve better as I do and all others on here. Taking Xanax will not get you that

"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 676 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Topic Posts: 10