User Topic: WH texted that he's going on a date... :-(
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Wtf did he feel the need to tell me?
I feel so awful, worse than D day.
I've been posting lately, that he said we should talk etc. He even asked me yesterday to go to a haunted house w him, after texting me about yet another leak in the house. I said no, continued re another solution other than what he proposed re the leak.
He clarified that didn't mean he didn't want to divorce when he asked me to see him, he 100% does want to D because he doesn't and never has felt *that* connection with me.

This all started bc I disagreed w him about something related to paying the bill to fix the leak, told him to handle it like I handled everything for yrs.
So in response, he said he didn't know if he should tell me but he's going on a date tonight. And the bs about the connection that he never knew was missing.

I know he's being mean but still my heart is aching.
5 yrs ago when we got married I could have never imagined. We dated for over 7 yrs. how could you not know? How can you just do this to someone?

Mental NC isn't happening for me right now. I'm just thinking of how alone and worthless I feel.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

What a dick!

A dick who thinks what? That he's going to make you jealous so you'll rugsweep and take him back? A dick who's trying to hurt you so he doesn't have to feel like a guilty dick for being a lying cheat?

And that never feeling a connection bullshit??? Straight out of Cheaters 101 Excuses. It's not true. It's just a convenient thing to say as his mind attempts to absolve himself for being a cheater.

He's a liar. He's a cheater. He's cruel.

You're a crab? Use your pincers to snap his fucking nose off because he's a horrible person.

I'm sorry. But you really deserve better.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3120 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Oh honey, he is a complete asshole. He is attempting to make you jealous so he can Hoover you back.

Of course he meant it when he asked you to go to the haunted house with him. He's angry and feeling rejected because YOU stood up for yourself and said no.

Cheaters lie. He is a liar.

Maybe he does have a date. I know that hurts. Just be glad the "date" isn't with you. He doesn't deserve you. And you don't deserve him- but someone with integrity and honesty!

divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Agree with Cayc.
He told you because he is a dick.
He is either hoping that you'll be *jealous* and 'realize' what you're losing .....

Or he's punishing you for divorcing him.

This guy has already *taken* enough from you. Don't let his immature, asshole antics get the better of you. Get Mad. "Fuck him!" Seriously. Overcome those 'alone and worthless' feelings by being pissed off that he has the audacity to treat YOU in this manner. He's a lying cheater who is continuing to date while he's married. He's the worthless one....not you.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8075 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

He intentionally hurt you - again. He will continue to hurt you whether you stay M'd or you D. Who needs or wants a jerk like that in your life ? He's supposed to LOVE YOU, CARE ABOUT YOU, TAKE CARE OF YOU AS YOU TAKE CARE OF HIM, SUPPORT YOU.... AND TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT. Does he do any of that? Probably not. Why would you want anyone in your life who treats you like this? Honestly? You don't. Remind yourself again and again. Make note cards of all the crap he's brought to your life then, when he tells you he has a date or whatever, choose one of the cards, read it, remind youself why you're not living with him now. Save yourself from him because he surely isn't protecting your feelings today. Sending hugs......

BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 504 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I feel alone bc I allowed myself to lose touch w friends for his friends.
I feel worthless because I didn't see my own worth enough earlier, that I let so many red flags go by, and I put off getting my masters to buy the house for us that I loved and now is just a money pit that we cannot seem to sell. I remember our decision so clearly that we'd buy instead of me going to school. Now bc of this house, I cannot go right now.
I'm just as angry at myself as I am at him. I made my life so much more difficult for me. If not for the kindness of an old friend giving me a place to stay cheaply I'd be far worse off now.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

((((crab)))) I'm sorry that you're in a low place right now, honey. They happen. They are part of the whole grief cycle. Sending you strength and comfort.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25726 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I'm just as angry at myself as I am at him. I made my life so much more difficult for me

Yep. But you can't go back, only forward.
Send "thinking of you, how are you" email/FB messages to your old friends. You'll probably be surprised at how many of your previous friends are sincerely happy to hear from you again.

As far as going back to school....look around. There is a lot of support for women that want to go back to school.

As much as it feels like it right now, your life is not over. Like NIK said, you need to grieve for the future that you *thought* you were going to have, but you'll be able to work your way through and come out on the other side with a whole new set of options.....

You'll be okay, crab. You'll get there...

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8075 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

What a lowlife pos he is :(

He is clearly bothered by you and wanted to hurt you. Just ignore his pathetic mind games.

My ex texted me 'by mistake' the day after father's day to let me know he was going for a drink with another woman. I know he was pissed off at me for not getting him anything for father's day from the kids. Why would I?

WS' who behave in this way are just plain cruel and heartless. They will never understand what it means to be a decent human being.

Hang in there and ignore him.

Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I can guarantee that all during his date, if one actually exists, he'll be thinking about you. You'll be in the forefront of his mind and whoever he's with won't manage an -nth of connection with him. Not the sort that matters, anyway.

What an empty, soulless person he must be. You're well-rid of him, dear.

“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14040 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

What a complete jerk! I know it's hard to let go but you are SO MUCH BETTER OFF without him. You deserve way better than his sorry a$$. FTG. Cruel insensitive jerk. Good riddance.

Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 710 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

He's a liar. He's a cheater. He's cruel.

You're a crab? Use your pincers to snap his fucking nose off because he's a horrible person.

I'm sorry. But you really deserve better.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Hugs and strength to you crab. I'm so sorry you're feeling down. I'm with cayc!
He doesn't deserve you and it's time to re-coonnect with those friend for you!!
Its never too late.

Update 09/28/14
Me - BS, 44
Him - WH, 46
Married - 23 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me still
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
Divorcing 09/28/14

Posts: 230 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, October 12th (Saturday)


I'm hurting for you and with you. I related to your response about losing touch with your friends. I did the same thing. I have had the best time reconnecting with friends and family over my journey thus far. Reach out crab. The love and support is there. You just have to seek it out. Love and strength to you.

Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Thank you all. I very much appreciate the support. I understand it will get better, and that I'm just in a low place.
I rationally know I'm better off, though simply struggling with how many things I've had to give up since the separation, while he just goes on, has fun, has dates.
I'd love to sell the house, but we already tried and currently cannot.
Some days it all seems too overwhelming.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

One question.
He texted that he was sorry, but he tried to "fake it until you make it" and thought that would become reality but it didn't and he realized we could never work bc there were too many love busters (this timeframe was what I think was false R).

He said he was committed. He acted like he was committed. He said "I want to go old with you" "we will make it" "I don't want a divorce". "You should be keep me around"
He planned time away, he asked if we could move back in together, he wanted me to come to all gatherings w him. I didn't know it was a trial run. I thought I was figuring out if he changed and I could truly R, not the the other way around.

Is it possible I was too harsh, I was too demanding (he says demeaning), and that's why? I was thinking he was doing well but wasn't doing 100% of what I asked to be able to R (for example he would forget to take photos of where he went or they'd be blurry and I couldn't confirm who he was with).
I see I did the wrong thing by telling him about each one, I should have stayed quiet and just let it go to make a decision.
Then he kind of gave up but why would he mention love busters, doesn't that mean he actually read the book like I asked and WAS trying and it was me?
Or is that simple manipulation, or does he actually believe something that is false?
I just wish I knew and understood. It's so frustrating not to.
I stood by him for all the drinking, the DUI, his money issues, thinking we were learning about life together and growing, and were also bonded w those things. Now someone is going to get a cleaned up person and if he had learned and never cheats again like he says, they have this whole package that I always knew he could be if he wanted to be. Beyond frustrating.

[This message edited by Iamacrab at 6:28 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

A few weeks after S which was after a 3m False R of "I'll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes" the sad clown 'accidentally' *cough...bullshit...cough* sends me a text saying "Soooo what are you wearing".

It made my skin crawl. I wasn't jealous - I realised two things in that moment a) he was full of shit and was desperate for a new bandaid; and b) he was no longer my husband. Nothing at all like the man I thought I married.

You may need a few more of these before you get really really good at NC.

NC = No New Hurts. I found all of the contact terribly crazy making - it made me miserable. Even when I graduated from breaking contact to try to get him to wake the fuck up to breaking contact to unleash hell on him. None of it felt good - all of it made me emotionally sicker. Only strict NC helped me cured me of that toxic virus of a little man.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

He's also texted that he may be moving, in a short period of time. This is an issue as he has had my pet, that I've had for 9 yrs, as not to separate her from the other pets that we had together that she is used to, and because I cannot have her where I'm living. He says he's giving me warning that I need to find a place and I have no idea where that may be except a shelter. I know it wasn't a good situation before, but it seemed ok when R was on the table, and now, I still have no place for her.
My heart just breaks at the idea of taking her to a shelter, that's where I rescued her from. I'm asking around to anyone I know, at work, anyone my friends know, but not many people would want an old pet who was abused (prior to me adopting her).
My parents already have multiple animals that they're helping people out with, we're at our max with my friends pets here...I am so anxious about this.
And then I'm angry. It's like I have to lose everything in this.
I don't know how I will deal with letting her down too, if I have to take her to a shelter.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, October 14th (Monday)

What a fucking arsehole.

Talk to the shelter and explain the situation to them. You may find they are more understanding than you thought.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, October 14th (Monday)

He even asked me yesterday to go to a haunted house w him

A haunted house?...really? While your marriage is falling apart? What is he in 7th grade?

His A, text and this^^^ screams one thing to me...immature.

BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley

Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Sean is right , he sounds like such an immature a--hole! please stop letting him have power to make you think you caused this or didn't try hard enough. He is a liar and you deserve better keep your head up and stay focused , oh and no contact or response! at all and you will get through this.

"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 678 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Today I went to give the cats food, as he's broke. He wasn't there.
What is right on the table right where I always set down the food, but a love note to him from some girl, saying "I love you" and everything.
So unless that happened since oct when he told me, he was clearly dating prior to the "I'm dating" text. Super manipulation, one way or another.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

So you guys been married 5 years? Are you posting from Kazakhstan? Is your husband’s name Borat? Based on his actions I naturally assume he’s 13 years old at the MOST so he married at 8...
Dropping hints, leaving love-letters…
So broke he can’t buy a can of cat-food but goes out on a date? Guess the new woman was really impressed!

You deserve a real person.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Well I'm sure he's not paying for her on the date.

The annoying part is manipulating me, texting me 2 or 3x per day saying how badly he feels about things, why can't we talk etc (see previous posts), he cares about me...just out of the blue. I doubt he's being honest w her about that, and he is, then she's a sad case for actively letting it happen.

It's more and more evident w D is the right thing, not that it makes it easier, yet at least.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

What an immature jackass! Seeing someone behave like such a complete asshole yet seem so completely unaware at how horrible they are being is quite the mind-f*.

Of course he wants to talk. It gives him the opportunity to try to manipulate you into responding the way he wants and if you don't, it gives him the opportunity to hurt and punish you to make himself feel better. A win/win for him and lose/lose for you, just the way he likes it.

Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 25