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New Beginnings
User Topic: Do you feel you need to lose weight to find someone new?
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I am just asking if you think that we all need to lose weight after this infidelity D crap to find someone new.

I am not over weight, but I am not a runner or anything like that.

Do you think its necessary or recommended?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 4:26 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

I don't think it's necessary but I am trying to for me only. Not for anyone else.

I feel if I get back a healthy place physically it will help me get back to one emotionally/mentally as well.


"You can never have too much happy!"

Posts: 1151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

In the last 6 months, I have gained 20 pounds. I am not a tiny person.

So , yeah. I need to lose weight- but mainly for myself. I hate being this heavy.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7034 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

Being a runner isn't the same thing as losing weight. I know plenty of runners who don't have the slender figure you are alluding to.

I think you should do what makes you feel good about yourself, what gives you confidence. If you're self conscious about your body, work to change what you dislike. If you're self conscious about your athletic ability, work to build that. If you're self conscious about a lack of education, go back to school. Etc.

Figure out what makes you feel good and what makes you feel bad, and then use the good to your advantage and work to improve the other areas.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13200 | Registered: Jul 2011
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

Yeah....I can speak from personal experience. I'm a runner....but I'm not scrawny by no means... and still have meat on my bones! Especially marathon runners or distance runners are prone to be heavier because we need the fuel and extra calories to make it those long miles. But, I would "like" to lose about 10 more pounds. My body holds on to it like glue! I consider myself of average size (I wear an 8/10).

I've been much heavier though when I was younger topping off at 240 at 5 foot 6 when I was 17 years old. I lost about 100 pounds and my weight fluctuates now between 144 and 155. I think I'm around 148 now. But, its really hard for me to get my weight down below 140 without excessive exercise and really watching what I eat like a hawk and I hate living like that.

I think that the person I meet should love me no matter what size I am or if I have a "few extra pounds" on me or what not. If all they care about is how you look, then it won't last.

I know that granted "Physical attraction is the 1st thing that comes into play" when you meet someone....and I definitely don't consider myself a bridge troll or swamp moose.... but I have a bad tendency when what I assumed was a good 1st date never calls me again or POOFS on me to self-criticize and immediately assume it was because they weren't attracted to me. I need to get out of this bad cycle. Its not good for your self-esteem AT ALL!!!

The only time I lost weight....was when *I* was ready to lose it for ME.... and that will be the only time you will be successful AND keep it off! Keeping it off is the hardest part! But, love who you are in the inside first....and the rest will follow!


"Life's curve balls come out of nowhere.... just remember to duck and weave!"

ME - BW - 34
HIM - XWH - 38
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2448 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

No, I don't. I"m about a size 6 and list myself as "about average" on OLD. Sure, I could be thinner, but I don't want to starve myself to get there.

I just try to work with what I do have. I know what my best features are and I will dress so show off my best assets.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3616 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
PositiveAttitude
Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

When my WH's affair was first brought to light I was about 60 pounds over weight. I now only have about 10 to lose.

I didn't lose the weight to find another man (jury is still out on my marriage even), but I did decide that if I WAS going to have to go through a divorce, etc. that I was going to do it looking my best!


Posts: 153 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

I didn't mean to stereotype anyone who is a runner; my apologies. I just meant more athletic and fit.

I think that there is a lot of weight (pun intended) put on the physical appearance, especially for women. Also, the stereotype that if your overweight, you are undisciplined and lazy. I don't agree with this, however in recent conversations, that was the overall agreement.

I am very active and go to the gym regularly. Keeps me stress free from all this D junk.

I just want to know what others thought about the need for it in possibly finding a life partner.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
PositiveAttitude
Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

I just want to know what others thought about the need for it in possibly finding a life partner.

I think it depends on the type of partner you are hoping to attract. It is very important to me that my partner take good care of themselves physically. I haven't always done that during my marriage, but I appreciate that my husband cared about his health and maintained a proper weight. I SHOULD have.

If however your partner's physical habits are less important to you then no, it's probably not necessary. But since I believe everyone should take proper care of themselves (yes, again I KNOW I didn't always) losing weight WAS important to me to attract a new partner that cared about their physical being as well. (Should I ever be in the place where I am looking to move on.)


Posts: 153 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

I am really putting off this stupid paper I have to write, it is more fun to be on SI this morning!

Here is how I see it: I eat pretty healthy and I exercise regularly. That is my lifestyle. I could lose 15 pounds, but don't feel like it, it would require major dedication and I have to be majorly dedicated to so many other things right now. I would like to have a partner with a similar lifestyle. BUT, ex is overweight, and his weight didn't bother me nearly as much as not wanting to exercise as much as I like to.

I'm not going to change who I am to attract some super in shape guy. I don't want to date a slug either. As long as health is an interest to the guy I'm dating, all is good. A balance between enjoying sweets/treats and healthy living.

The last guy I was talking too...we had an entire text conversation about the proper way to roast a marshmallow for s'mores. We discussed types of marshmallows, sizes, unusual ones (have you every tried to roast a Peep Ghost? Amazing!), types of candy...blah, blah, blah. It was a great and funny conversation. Then we discussed needing to go work out after the conversation. That just meant to me we are similar in thinking a little junk food is OK, and exercise is important.

Does that make sense? I'm not going to change who I am or what I think about food/exercise FOR someone else. But I want someone similar in how I view diet/exercise.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3616 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

Exercise is a healthy way to feel good about yourself, and to focus on yourself, and can help with depression or sadness. I think that's why it seems like a lot of people talk about it down here in NB.

A lot of times, though, it's someone getting back into running (or exercise of their choice) after having given it up or put it on the backburner during their marriage. It's not new, it's just renewed.

In any case, if you want to lose weight or get fit, or even just tone up a little, do it for you. Not because you think it will help you find someone new.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 11989 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

I do. :( I guess I mostly feel like I need to lose weight to feel comfortable in my own skin. Before infidelity I was a normal weight. Immediately after infidelity I lost a ton. But then as time went on and deep depression sunk in, I gain A LOT of weight. I'm not obese, but I am heavier than I've ever been before and I am not comfortable this way.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1514 | Registered: Aug 2010
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

Personally I think it's a great idea for anyone thinking about getting back into the dating scene to spend some time working on self improvement. It's not about being perfect. If you are in a good place physically, emotionally, and financially it's going to make you a more attractive partner and it's going to give you confidence- which helps you attract good partners.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49406 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Well, I am losing 220 lbs of a lying, cheating, POS, and that was definitely preventing me from meeting anyone new... Does that count?


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs, started 1994? - never stopped
Kids - 22, 20, 17
M Dissolved 2013!!!

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man, ~ Shakespeare


Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
clralb
Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Not necessarily lost weight, but I want to get into an exercise routine to help with my energy level, depression, etc.

It's not to attract someone new.


BS Divorced.

They were right about you.


Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
hit-by-a-train
Member
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

My SO fell for me even though I am what doctors call morbidly obese. (Me: Morbid? Who you calling morbid??!!??!! I've never been morbid even for a minute - why, I'm the most upbeat person I know!!!)


My SO says that our bodies are just the shell.


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus
**Beloved hubby died at home 1/28/2013, age 61..** God sent me two good men in a row......and saved the best for last. Grief & joy coexist.

Posts: 2257 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
gardenparty
Member
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

I am at the opposite end of the scale, have to work very, very hard to keep weight on. I have always been thin, supposedly I take after a great grandmother on my Dad's side. I do think that people are attracted to a physical type and that eventually you learn to make the best of what genetics gave you. Most of the women in my family are short and a little overweight and they are live great lives. It is more important to be healthy and happy with who you are than to worry about whether or not other people find it attractive.


divorced!

Posts: 2606 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

I actually am waiting until I hit a certain number before I start dating.

I try to lose weight, but dammit, I love to eat, and I don't love working out



D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 2798 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Does that make sense? I'm not going to change who I am or what I think about food/exercise FOR someone else. But I want someone similar in how I view diet/exercise.

^^^^This is me. I want someone who thinks exercise is important and has a passion for something active in their life.....it doesn't have to be my same passion for running (although that would be a HUGE plus!) but I want someone who is active. I've dated guys who were not and all they did was ridicule me for working out and found my time exercising as a bother to their schedule and time that they wanted to do other activities. I had one guy actually try pushing junk food on me on a regular basis. (He was kinda overweight and didn't eat healthy AT ALL!) His weight didn't bother me but his bad habits did and him trying to change mine made me even more annoyed! I have found I need someone with a good balance. I like chocolate....I like wine.... I like fried foods.... but all in moderation! I also like to eat healthy MOST of the time and run 4 days a week and lift weights! Being fit makes me feel good. Could I stand to lose another 10 pounds..? Absolutely! But, I would be miserable because I wouldn't be able to cheat and would have to workout twice as much.... and its not worth it to me! If someone can't love me at the healthy weight I'm at now....then I don't want them! Period.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 7:06 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]


"Life's curve balls come out of nowhere.... just remember to duck and weave!"

ME - BW - 34
HIM - XWH - 38
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2448 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Obviously, people find partners at every weight. So no, being thin is not a requirement. I certainly didn't wait until I was thin and my SO likes me just fine.

But Torn, if it would make you feel sexier or more confident to trim up a little then you should go for it. If dieting stresses you out, then maybe do something else- treat yourself to some new outfits or a new hairstyle.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49406 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Betrayeddaddio
Member
Member # 30198
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

I do. :( I guess I mostly feel like I need to lose weight to feel comfortable in my own skin. Before infidelity I was a normal weight. Immediately after infidelity I lost a ton. But then as time went on and deep depression sunk in, I gain A LOT of weight. I'm not obese, but I am heavier than I've ever been before and I am not comfortable this way.

and......

I actually am waiting until I hit a certain number before I start dating.
I try to lose weight, but dammit, I love to eat, and I don't love working out

I am slightly out of shape, and I derive a great deal of my self confidence from my fitness level. So before I consider dating I want to get in much better shape for ME, as well as making myself more attractive to others.

Working on improving yourself is never a bad thing....


BH-42 WW-40 DD-5 DD-9 DD-11
D-Day 09/27/2010 Wayward wife had a 10 month A with married DB co-worker Separated Oct. 2013

Posts: 694 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 21