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Just Found Out
User Topic: Hurt again
DOmomma09
Member
Member # 39920
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I posted a while ago about my WH paying for a sex cam session. I thought we had made progress but that feeling in my gut refused to quiet. So I installed a keylogger on his computer, and wow what did I find within 24 hours. First of all, he is watching porn (and really REALLY weird disgusting stuff) on mute while I'm sitting across from him on the couch and our baby daughter is in the room. This happens multiple times, and we had already had sex twice that day!

I often frequent the website babycenter to talk about all things baby related (have an 11 month old and I'm pregnant) and sometimes my marriage. He knows that's my personal space to talk with other women. But now I find out not only is he stalking me on there, he also made an account pretending to be a woman and has joined the sex group. It's a bunch of women talking about their sex lives, and he's pretending to be one of them so that he can get off on their responses. He's even made up these elaborate stories in detail about the things he's done sexually as a woman, and asking for others experiences. It seriously disgusts me that he took the one place that was mine and turned it into something dirty and creepy. He had also messaged a woman who had mentioned she filmed a porn with her bf, and asked her to send him the video. She unknowingly does this, thinking he's a woman!

Ugh, I just don't know where to go from here. He doesn't know I know any of this, but I can hardly stand to look at him and his touch makes me want to burst into tears. Do I confront him right away, or wait and see if he reveals any other sketchy behavior in the following week? Somehow I imagine this is only the tip of the iceberg. But I'm so tempted to say, "I'm only going to ask you this once so you better think carefully about your response. Is there anything you should tell me?" Maybe he'd spill, and if not he'd sit there for days stewing in anxiety, wondering how much I know. I also want to post and let all these women on babycenter know that he's my husband and a perv. But I know I probably shouldn't show my hand too soon. We're supposed to spend all tomorrow with his family and then go to a wedding.. I just don't know how I can carry on like nothing has happened


Posts: 53 | Registered: Jul 2013
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

So sorry,

If your health can handle it, I would try and find out some more stuff. Especially if you are planning to D.

But, honestly, I think that is enough if you just want to get it over with and tell him you know and you are disgusted and he needs help. I mean why torture yourself with more details?

I wish you such good luck with the coming days no matter what you decide.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
DOmomma09
Member
Member # 39920
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Honestly, the reason why I've stayed this long is because I'm a SAHM and student. I will have my degree in two more semesters, so I've been holding on so that I don't have to put school on hold to get a job. I don't want to be working a minimum wage job when I'm so close to having my teaching degree.

I really don't know if I'm ready to say I want a divorce. It seems like he has no respect for me to be doing this on MY site with MY online acquaintances, all while I'm pregnant. There are so many other places on the internet where he could go to be inappropriate and get his rocks off.. it really makes it seem like an intentional personal attack to invade my space. That makes me wonder if there's even anything worth saving.

I don't know. Does it sound like he's just a disgusting cheating idiot with no respect for me, or is it possible that he actually has a problem with this? I guess maybe I do need to bite my tongue for a while longer. I think I need to understand the full scope of things before I even consider working on us.

[This message edited by DOmomma09 at 12:01 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]


Posts: 53 | Registered: Jul 2013
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Three years ago I was where you are in the respect to school and the kids and everything like that. it's not easy. I know how you feel.

It sounds to me like a. he has not respect for you and b. yes, he does have a serious problem that requires expert help. Let's face it all of our WSs have problem like this, but they should not self medicate to the point of hurting the people they love. It is very disrespectful.

The hacking into your sites, this worries me. It's like he wants to control what you do, as well as, have a laugh at your expense.

Really, I wish you weren't going through this. Do you have a way of beginning IC?


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

This man is utterly revolting. You have an 11 month old child, you're pregant with your second, and sex TWICE a day still isn't enough for him? Ugh.

Secondly, I would immediately contact the moderator of your mother's message board and tell them that he's impersonating a woman and he needs to be banned from the site immediately. Ask them for their discretion in the matter. There's no reason you should be ostricized for his disgusting behavior.

I don't know. Does it sound like he's just a disgusting cheating idiot with no respect for me...

Sorry, but yes.

I've heard and seen so many disgusting things men have done for a cheap thrill that nothing really surprises me anymore.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

I think the best thing you can do for your marriage is confront him with the truth.

He NEEDS help, and it does not seem as though he is going to stop this type of behavior.

He may have SA tendencies, but only a professional can diagnose him for sure.

he also made an account pretending to be a woman

^^^As a woman, I find this even more disturbing, this IMO is a twisted predator.

I hope you can find it within yourself to decide what is the best course of action for your marriage.


Posts: 7529 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

First off, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Your WH sounds like he is a sex addict. Check out www.sexhelp.com and read info on there. We have a thread in I Can Relate for spouses of SAs. There is support for you, if you would like it.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
DOmomma09
Member
Member # 39920
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Thanks for the replies, they are really helpful. I guess I I know all of this is true, it's just hard to accept. This is not the man I thought I married, I feel like I was tricked. I look at him and I see the man I've known all this time, but then I think of what he's done. It's like two different versions of him fighting each other in my mind, and I can't seem to accept they are the same person. I know I need to believe him when he shows me who he really is, but I so desperately want to rationalize and excuse his behavior away.

I absolutely plan on notifying the moderator on my board, I'm just waiting a day or two until I figure out my own course of action. I don't want to tip him off. I want to let him know that I know he's being inappropriate and lying, and that if he wants any chance of saving this marriage he needs to tell me EVERYTHING right now. He won't know how much I know, so he won't be able to just guess. I'll also tell him if I realize I'm not getting the full truth, it's immediately over and I'll meet with a lawyer the next day. I'll schedule a IC session asap too.


Posts: 53 | Registered: Jul 2013
DOmomma09
Member
Member # 39920
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Also, I never had any reason to suspect him of actually physically cheating on me, but now every scenario possible is going through my head. He travels a lot for work with a bunch of guys, so there would absolutely be opportunity for him to physically cheat. However he's not at all protective of his phone and I've never found anything on it. Also, weirdly enough, one of the posts on babycenter that he commented on was a woman saying she was having thoughts of cheating on her husband. My husband replies "dont, if you want someone else then leave." WTF! This really makes me think he doesn't even think he's cheating, and is still somehow morally superior for not physically cheating (assuming he hasn't).

Although at the wedding tonight I met the guys he works with for the first time, and they were talking about all the times they've gone out to bars and gotten drunk. This is news to me. If he behaved inappropriate while out of town, I'd never know and he'd never admit it. So even if he admits to everything else, is it really possible to move on from this? I feel like I'll always be questioning whether or not I know everything.

I'm so lost, part of me wants to just move on and start over with someone new who hasn't hurt me in so many ways. But then I look at my baby daughters face and it makes me so sad to consider tearing apart her family. I hate him so much for putting me in this position and doing this to our family, especially while pregnant!

I think he can feel a storm brewing. I tried my best to not to give him any hints about what's coming, but at the same time remain distant and avoid physical contact. He complained all day about anxiety, but claimed he didn't know why. He also told me he doesn't know what he'd do without me, and this man NEVER says anything sweet like that. He doesn't even say ILY.

I've also found that he has an email account I wasn't aware of. The last time I caught him I clearly asked for the names of any email he had. I already knew of one, and he also gave me his work one. Now I know through the keylogger that there's a third one. He used it to create his babycenter account, so that's how I know about it. I've been dying to get into it, but he hasn't logged into it so I don't know the password. I NEED to check that email.. I'm wondering what other sites he's signed up for with it.

Sorry this is so scattered, I just have so many racing thoughts and nowhere to direct them

[This message edited by DOmomma09 at 9:32 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]


Posts: 53 | Registered: Jul 2013
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

DOm....contact the mod of the baby site and have him banned immediately. No one on the board needs to know.

Your WH travels for work. Ugh. You've now met the people that he travels with and discovered that they aren't the most *moral* people. Double ugh.

Once you confront your WH, I think that a poly request is in order....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8005 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
DOmomma09
Member
Member # 39920
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

I just messaged one of the group owners. Although, that's only for the sex group, not all of babycenter. But that was the only place he was posting, and I've spoken with her before so I'm hoping she can guide me in the right direction. I'm honestly not sure if it's a violation or ban worthy... I guess we'll find out.

Not only do I have to feel the sting of his personal betrayal to me, I'm also dealing with the fact that he's manipulating women into unknowingly providing him sexual gratification. I'm so disgusted that I've been blindly living with this person for all this time


Posts: 53 | Registered: Jul 2013
DOmomma09
Member
Member # 39920
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

So, I couldn't hold it all in any longer and vaguely confronted him about having inappropriate behavior online. He's refusing to admit anything and is acting like he has no idea what I'm talking about. I haven't told him exactly what I know or that I have screenshots of everything. I figure I'm more likely to get the whole truth if he doesn't know exactly what I know, because then he can't just tell me what I already know. But now he's playing a guessing game... "is it because I watched porn?" I've told him I KNOW ALREADY so quit the bullshit, I'm giving you one chance to be honest if you want to work on things. He refuses to admit anything, and just keeps saying "I assume you think I cheated, but I never have or even considered it."

Am I wrong to consider what he's done cheating?


Posts: 53 | Registered: Jul 2013
pewpewpew
Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

I am so sorry you are dealing with this - while pregnant! Ugh. Hugs.

I do not have a lot of advice regarding porn and what not...
But sadly I know all about betrayal.

You are doing great.

You are smart to be vague. NEVER reveal your sources. This is super important.

Yes, this is cheating - even if it isn't physical. This could potentially tear your family apart. You must prepare yourself and be willing to end the M to save it.



ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Of course this is cheating. And lying. And creepy and perverted.

DON'T let him gaslight you!!

Take a deep breath. You know the difference between right and wrong. Don't let yourself become confused.

Sending you strength.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Should this turn into the tip of the iceberg-so you have family that could take you in and/or help you finish your schooling?


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8815 | Registered: Jan 2008
NoAnswers37
Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

This is definitely cheating - the fact that you are feeling betrayed confirms this.

I agree with a previous poster - this behaviour is incredibly predatory so it will not be as easy as him admitting to things. I think he will keep this to himself as much as he can hun. I have some experience in this and they will only admit to what has been presented by you by evidence. They will more than likely never freely anything more, so if you feel you need further evidence keep the keylogger on his computer.

Make sure he does not know that you are posting here - this is your safe place now


I hope you are managing to take care of you, bump and little one


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
DOmomma09
Member
Member # 39920
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

My parents are close but my grandpa just moved in with them after my grandma's death. It would honestly really suck to move in there with two babies. I feel like why should I be the one to have to suffer even more because HE fucked up. Up until this point I've paid for my school from a college fund my parents set up. But it's almost out and I don't have enough to finish the next two semesters.

I definitely feel cheated on but I don't know how to make him see it that way. It doesn't exactly fit into descriptions of an emotional affair, and it's definitely not a physical one. It's almost worse though because the OW of sorts are completely unaware they're even involved.

Ugh, idk. Should I even bother trying or just file for divorce? I've made it pretty clear there's nothing to work on until he tells the truth, but he's still denying. He keeps saying "I wish I knew what you were mad about before just ending our marriage." I think he's fishing for what I know so that he doesn't have to admit a word more than what I bring up.


Posts: 53 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 17