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Reconciliation
User Topic: Excuse me, you forgot your bag..No, not you, you...
PhoenixRising88
Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

Okay so I initiated 'the talk' Friday night. It did not go as I planned. I thought he'd be all 'fine, take whatever you want'. Total opposite occurred.

And I found myself having not just an epiphany, but a vital one, right in the middle of it all.

Way back in 1991 there was a guy in my life, we'll call him "tony". Went to school together from 4th grade on. I totally was head over heels for this dude. He joined the Navy and was sent to Diego Garcia for a year. The plan was we would write, send mix tapes, etc and when he returned we were going to see how the relationship progressed. And I called his house about a week before he was supposed to be back and asked his mom when Tony was scheduled to come in so I could see him. And she says ďoh, sweetie, heís been back for five days, and he brought someone home with him. He obviously didnít tell you, Iím so sorry.Ē

Okay, so I gave my heart to someone, he brought someone else into the picture, and when the time came to make a choice, he chose her.

I sucked it up and moved on.

In 2001 my marriage had just ended, and I violated one of my basic rules and got involved with a guy at work. Weíll call him ďMikeĒ. Same scenario happened again essentially. I had to find out from another co-worker that heíd moved some chick in with him and was getting ready to propose.

Okay, so I gave my heart to someone, he brought someone else into the picture, and when the time came to make a choice, he chose her.

I think I see a pattern hereÖ

So then I go through the exact same scenario AGAIN with H. He gets given my heart, then he brings someone else into the picture, and when the time came to make a choice, he choseÖ me. Wait. What? Me? Thatís not how it works. I get screwed around on, then dumped. Thatís the pattern. Heís not following pattern. And heís remorseful? Thatís not how itís supposed to go either. Heís staying AND heís owning his mistakes AND heís busting his ass to fix it? Thatís not usual, not the way it goes at all.

And I realized Ė I never processed all the anger, and the hurt, and the rage, from the two jackasses before. I held on to all that, stuffed it way, way down, and when H didnít cut and run like I expected him to, I started raining down on him not just for his actions, but for Mikeís and Tonyís too. And that explains why through this whole thing Iíve had zero expectation of him remaining faithful Ė because Iíve been conditioned from past experience that a man remaining faithful doesnít happen, at least for me. They break your heart and then they leave, they choose the other woman.

H broke my heart. But he refuses to leave. He refuses to give up on us. He just flat refuses to. Thatís amazing to me. Iíve never been the one chosen before.

We have a joint MC session scheduled on Thursday now. At his request. The first joint one since six months after D-Day, and the first one ever that HE has pressed to schedule.

Updated to add: Don't get me wrong, he still should never have brought someone else into the picture. He's not off the hook for that. I'm just saying that I need to not throw every single hurt I've ever felt at him, he's not responsible for them all.

[This message edited by Wannaworkthruit at 11:56 AM, October 14th (Monday)]


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 424 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

That revelation is huge. I sincerely hope the MC joint session can guide and direct the session in a productive way.

So much is lumped into. Don't live in the past. The truth is the past influences our responses.

Just remember you deserve to be chosen.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 596 | Registered: Jul 2012
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

you made a huge step


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1587 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
learningtofeel
Member
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Wow - BIG props to you for that epiphany. I am guessing it might be hard to let yourself be the chosen one after being so used to not, but I hope you can. You deserve to be the chosen one! Sending good vibes your way.


M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

You made me smile. Atta Girl!! Very happy and hopeful for you.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
PhoenixRising88
Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

So we have the joint MC session tonight that H asked for... Leading up he's said things like "I'm looking forward to it, this will help us move forward and not repeat last weekend's drama".

To which I have remained silent. Here's the thing. My core feelings that I talked about in my thread titled Clarity really haven't changed. Do I love him? Yes. In love with him? NO. Trust him? HELL NO. Gut still saying move on? YES.

I just get the feeling that he's of the opinion that because we got through last weekend's big talk still wearing our wedding bands that it's all good now. It's not. Add on top of everything the added stress and uncertainty of his health situation, and you get one stressed out burned out Wanna.

Tonight ought to be interesting.....


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 424 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

I hope tonight goes well.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16339 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

Wannawork I hope you get great results.
Honey I always say it is easier for the WS to run. Kuddos to all that stay and tough out those storms with their BS.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3184 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
PhoenixRising88
Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

Thanks to all, I'll keep you posted..

BTW - Heartache - LOVE your tag line!!


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 424 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
Topic Posts: 9