SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Getting ready to file
coda87
Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

I've been posting in the just found out forum the last 4 weeks. So if you want to see the background of why I am here, please check it out.

So I'm at the point where I decided filing for divorce is my only option. I also want to separate asap because I refuse to live with my WW while she continues to see the AP. My WW prefers that we use one lawyer to mediate the divorce process. In can understand her concerns about legal fees. But i feel there is something else she is concerned about if I use my own divorce attorney. We live in no fault divorce state. So technically the affair is not considered by the court. I'm not planning to try to take her to the cleaners. In just want joint custody of our kids and half of our assets.

Should I retain my own lawyer instead of trying mediation?


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 124 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Yes! She wants to control the situation. If she has a lawyer you should too!!! It's very important to prevent yourself from being completely and totally screwed over. A lawyer can't represent both of you because that would be a conflict of interest so the lawyer is either yours or her's.

Please, please, please at least go to a lawyer for a free consultation. Once a divorce decree is done it's very expensive to have changed. A mediator doesn't care what's best for anyone they just want a solution of some kind.

[This message edited by courageous at 5:41 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Exactly what Courageous said, Coda. My WW wanted the same thing. And I even went so far as to try mediation. A waste of time and money. I ended up filing and now it's war.

Other unfortunate similarities: WW wouldn't give up the AP, we separated (do it ASAP), no-fault state...

All I thought I wanted and she wanted was was joint custody and half of the assets, too.

Once I filed, all remaining reason and "good intentions" went straight out the window, and she revealed her true colors. (Stupid me.) It's gotten real ugly real fast.

Retain your own lawyer. Now. Read my thread if you want to see how my story went and is going.

All the best to you. You have made the right decision to separate and divorce. (I hate to write those words, but I must.)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1585 | Registered: Dec 2012
self-rescuer
Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Seeing an attorney can be as empowering as a good therapy session.

As was posted, many do free consultations. Visit a few and find a good fit.

My divorce was expensive but as they say in this forum, worth every penny.

This is the time you have to have people around you to support you. There are such feelings of loneliness during this process because you are navigating difficult and uncharted territory without your helpmate and the one you thought would be your partner for life. Fortunately people will be willing to walk this path with you. Let them. The depth of friendship you will experience will buoy you and strengthen you.

And post and read and post and read.


BW 53
WXH 55
married 26 yrs
D-Day 9-15-11

Divorce final 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 496 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Coda, my experience is slightly different from the other posters. I spoke to two attorneys who both gave me identical advice. Then I proposed a settlement to my WH. He does not want a divorce but he saw an attorney, came back with a counter offer and we were able to work it out. All of those were free consultations. We own our own business and I'm an ex-attorney and we both felt we would rather decide it ourselves than pay large fees. A contested divorce can get very expensive so whatever her motives, your WW is right to be concerned about fees. We were also happy to do shared parenting.
You have to compromise. I gave up spousal support and he gave up his equity in the house. There have been many compromises and at the end of it neither of us is 100% happy which they say is the sign of a true compromise. We both decided it was in our DD's best interests to have two decent places to live and we wanted as much money as possible not to be spent on fees.
I think a huge problem is that the divorce becomes the forum for so much hurt and antagonism.
We are using my lawyer to draw up the separation agreement but WH can always take it to an attorney for review if he wants to. Just becasue you draw up a separation agreement doesn't mean you can't have it reviewed independently before you file.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Coda, you guys don't even have to do mediation if you can work the custody and property settlements out between yourselves.

It's probably not a bad idea to have a L waiting in the wings, though. And most definitely have a L look over any agreement BEFORE you sign it.......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7865 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 6