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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: No Longer Lurking, Need Some Advice
coldshot
New Member
Member # 40882
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

This site has been a godsend. Thank you to all of you sharing your heartbreaking stories, humor and great advice. I am in good company.
I found out about my WW's cheating and lies on Aug. 2nd.
My wife and I agreed earlier this year to move about 6 hours away from our home state so she could pursue her career. I would stay behind temporarily to support her and my DD until she got settled. I was to look for a job and arranged extended visits every few weeks thanks to a very understanding boss. It did not happen as planned. After few months, she decide to have an affair with a complete POS loser she met while out with my daughter at a park. Yes, they do affair down!!!I discovered the whole thing during a visit from a few simple clues (my wife has not been the best housekeeper for the last 12 years, but since her affair she has miraculously become quite a bit neater), and most heart wrenchingly from my own beautiful DD 6. My DD told me "mommy had a boy sleep over". Sickening. Absolutely the most crushing experience of my life. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying behind, busting my ass, sending every paycheck...
Not enough for her. Yes we have had issues in our marriage (like all of you), but like everyone else on here the absolute shock of my world going belly up was hard to bear.
The weekend I found out, after pleading with my wife for NC with the POS,MC, ANYTHING to save our family, I was met with a coldness I did not think was possible from the woman I had loved. Completely destroyed, I brought my DD back up to our home state and immediately hired an investigator. It was the best thing I could have done. I quickly got a clear picture of exactly what disgusting liar she is, and starting to acquire evidence to prove adultery. I foolishly returned my DD a week later thinking that she would not again be exposed to this mess. Big mistake, and one I will always regret. My wife quickly allowed this loser into our daughter's life. By now I had, by my own research, a nice picture of his criminal history--- 2nd degree assault(2cases),resisting arrest, four kids by three different women he was ordered to support, lives with his mom... a real beauty.
I also wasted no time in sharing her adultery with her parents, another very effective tactic that helped me emotionally and strategically-- at least for a while. Her father went ballistic and threatened to disown her. They have since circled the wagons, but we are still on speaking terms for now.
I quickly focused my anger and hurt, hired a good attorney and filed for divorce on grounds of adultery in the state in which they reside. A state in which adultery can bar spousal support and the exposure of a child to adultery is not looked upon kindly. My parents have been very supportive to say the least, thank God.
She cannot afford an attorney on her own, and so far her father has not been too excited about helping her find one. He will, I have no illusions about that. She is trying to rush us in to mediation in order to not have to hire a lawyer.
I have no problem with mediation, and I will do my best to accomplish my two main goals:
Protect myself financially, and protect my daughter from contact with this POS.
I know getting primary custody will be almost impossible, but I need some ideas on what to do to protect my daughter. My wife has, typical to all liars and cheaters, rewritten our marriage and my role as a father... I abandoned them, she has raised our daughter with no help from me (an astonishing lie as I have spent every minute possible with my daughter). All the pathetic lies of a cheater.
God, the pain of suddenly not knowing and trusting the one person you thought you could is so devastating. I know you all know what I am going through, and I thank you all again for being on here to offer support. I will become a regular here now, as I wade through this foul mess that a very insecure, selfish, and immoral WW has brought upon our family.
Any advice on moral clauses and mediation? The pain of this POS being around my daughter is the worst part of all of this...

[This message edited by coldshot at 11:08 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]


"The liar's punishment is, not in the least that she is not believed, but that she cannot believe anyone else." -- George B. Shaw

Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: coldshot
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

(((((coldshot))))) Welcome. As you already stated, you are in good company. The S/D forum is filled with awesome supportive and wise friends You are thinking and planning with your brain and not your heart. My heart goes out to your DD.

You state that getting primary custody is almost impossible. The fact that your daughter has been exposed to someone with a criminal history involving violence really really concerns me. Especially in light of the passing of the football players young son who was killed by the mothers boyfriend who had a criminal history of assault and domestic violence (several!!)

Your daughters safety (physical and emotional) has to be priority. You've already filed for divorce ~ can you ask this attorney what steps you need to do to ensure your child's safety while she is with stbx?

Do you have contact (phone, Skype) with your daughter when she is with your WW? Continue to nurture that relationship. Your DD needs to feel safe sharing with you everything.

"God, the pain of suddenly not knowing and trusting the one person you thought you could is so devastating." So true! Infidelity is so far the worst pain I have ever experienced. Are you in IC?

Continue to read here, post here, read books, IC, IRL support too. The roller coaster ride of infidelity and divorce SUCKS but with time and work, life will get better. I didn't believe it at first but now I am living proof. Hugs and good luck!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Oct 2012
coldshot
New Member
Member # 40882
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, October 14th (Monday)

dmari-- Thanks. I am in almost daily contact with my daughter via phone. Just a quick call usually, but sometimes we talk for a while (I love it!) and I have changed my schedule to visit her every other weekend (3 days). We went camping together last weekend and it was awesome. We miss each other a lot and both cry when I leave. She knows its ok to tell me anything, and her mother has told her so as well. I think for the time being my WW has sheltered her from this POS, but it will probably not last. I will inform her father this weekend of her continuance of the affair... that should be interesting. I am willing to go to mediation, but I have made it clear in my Complaint that because of the exposure of my daughter and the POS's background is I may seek custody. That is why my in-laws are less supportive of me... they don't want me to take their granddaughter away from her mother. My STBXWW is defensive and very scared, but also very angry and vicious at times. She has been good about allowing contact with my daughter, lucky for her. I am trying to get her to agree to no contact with the POS, but she is resistant. I need to clarify with my attorney what can be done, but she feels that because there is no imminent danger it may be difficult to get something in place right now.
I am hoping without my financial support my STBX will be forced to return back up here in our home state, but I will not be away from my daughter any longer than I have too. It is eating me up.


"The liar's punishment is, not in the least that she is not believed, but that she cannot believe anyone else." -- George B. Shaw

Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: coldshot
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:31 AM, October 14th (Monday)

Welcome friend. I'

I have a book that NatureGirl recommends a lot "Divorce Poison". If she is filling your daughters head with that rubbish then you could have ground for parental alienation.

Is your daughter in IC? Are you?

Their whores being around our kids are the shards of glass in this shit sandwich we are all gagging on.

There is also a Betrayed Mens thread in the I Can Relate Forum.

I can't help on moral clauses as we don't have them in Australia. Unfortunately over here you can't protect your kids until someone has hurt them or gets very close to it. It appears to be the same in some US states too.

Channel your anger into evicting this arsehole from your heart and mind. Keep your eye on the prize - don't let her engage you and you just keep doing what you're doing.

You're going to be OK.

ps. I love your tagline.

"The liar's punishment is, not in the least that she is not believed, but that she cannot believe anyone else."


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5554 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, October 14th (Monday)

I had a morality clause added in my PSA (Property Settlement Agreement, also known as the Separation Agreement). My L said we could add it, but it is not easily enforced. The courts don't really care. There is no law being broken at this point. Plus, if you include it, it covers both of you. So, when you start dating, suddenly YOU can't have anyone around your dd.

If I were you, I would go ahead and seek primary custody. That is what I did. We have joint legal custody, but I have primary physical custody. Fortunately, my ex didn't fight me.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4135 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Topic Posts: 5