SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Calling all Hope 3+ years out
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, October 14th (Monday)

There have been a bunch of posts lately from people struggling in the 2 year doldrums. Some of them were from me.

I think it would be great to hear some hope to continue navigating the Plain of Leathal Flatness.

Can we ever truely be happy again?

[This message edited by Chicho at 10:54 AM, October 14th (Monday)]


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2629 | Registered: Aug 2012
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, October 14th (Monday)

Chicho,
The second year is the hardest because you usually have gotten out of crisis mode and now are into the real work. The real work on yourself, the marriage, and at teh same time things settle into a new normal.
But yes, it gets better. As your feel you have worked through your personal issues you begin to feel empowered to open up a little and verify. Trust a little and verify. Then you get scared and usually move inward for awhile. This vaccilation occurs with greater time spent opening up with success. Then you start to realize a new place, a marriage where you are empowered and safe in the fact that you can open yourself again knowing YOUR able to handle all that comes good or bad. Followed by a feeling that you can do it together You read when the train is going off the rails and move toward each other because you start to trust again. It happened slowly for me. But it is happeneing. Each day, better.
LHAP?


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1908 | Registered: Nov 2010
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, October 14th (Monday)

Year three was much better for me. I really understood what I wanted and where I wanted to go. I put down the burden of R and had my spouse pick it up.

You are on the path. I think the worst is behind you but the past is so scary it is hard to let go of. I was very much on the 5 year plan and found some relief in year 3.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
PhoenixRising88
Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, October 14th (Monday)

Rebreather.... Good to know that it does get better...

Chicho - I also am in Year Two. It's been my experience that the second year has for the most part sucked way more than Year One.

I just keep remembering Dory from Finding Nemo... Just keep swimming, just keep swimming... and I know now that whatever the outcome is, I will be okay.


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 429 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 14th (Monday)

2 years, 9 months out - pre-A I was a happy man who was sometimes sad, scared, and/or mad. During the A and after D-Day, for about 18 months, I was grief-stricken, angry, and a little scared. Then my feelings started to shift. Now I feel joy again some of the time, and I'm still angry and sad sometime.

My W still has issues to resolve, and they tie into her A.

I still have issues to resolve, and they impact our M. I still have feelings about W's A, but for the life of me, they seem minor - of course, I could be wrong. I think I'm back to normal, but 'normal' now accounts for residual pain from the A, the knowledge that my partner is in pain and has always been in pain without my recognizing it. I'm less joyful, but I'm in closer touch with reality, and I keep telling myself I'm better off that way.

(But something's been going on inside for a few weeks, but when I sit down to think it through, I get stuck very quickly.)

My overall view is doing the work of recovery makes our lives better. I don't think your mileage will vary from that.

ETA: and what lhap? says.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:13 PM, October 14th (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Year 3 was way way better. Year 4 was way better than that. And so on.

Year 2 just sucks.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8827 | Registered: Jan 2008
Alex CR
Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, October 14th (Monday)

3 years and 11 months out......and year three brought peace. I struggled to accept the betrayal during year two....that was so hard but I am at a point now where it happened, it's over and both H and I are still working on us....we've made us the priority again and life is good.

Looking forward to this time next year to see where we are......hopefully it will just keep getting better. I think it will because a lot of the little things we've worked to change about ourselves seem to have become a habit now. We're more considerate, kinder and communicate respectfully when we feel something needs to be addressed rather than burying it to keep peace.

I found happy again.....at times, I even feel joy......


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Mar 2010
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, October 14th (Monday)

I'm in agreement with all. Year three+ is going much more smoothly. Not perfect, by any means, but way better in communication and being able to trust without so much fear. We are in a much better place. Finding the joy again.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
DutchMom
Member
Member # 23522
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, October 14th (Monday)

I am going on year 5 in a few months. It wasn't until after year 4 that I didn't think about it every day. Still have ups and downs but for the most part life is normal. Year two was tough but it does get better.


Me - 39 BW
H - 39 wanttowinherback
DD - 10
DS - 9
DD - 4
DD part 1 - Nov. 2008, part 2 April 1, 2009.

Posts: 372 | Registered: Apr 2009
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, October 14th (Monday)

I think that the hope for the 3 year stretch is 2 fold, and I can definitely speak to the POLF fears. Relationship issues aside, I actually feel like myself more often than not lately, and that is a huge relief. The triggers are still there but they tend to evaporate as soon as they appear. Crazz's A spanned Halloween to Christmas, any I spent the last two years either being sad or pissed that I couldn't just enjoy the season with my family. Well, the magic is back this year. I'm actually looking forward to things. There's lots of hope where there was just numbness and sadness before. Things aren't perfect, but they are good and I am relieved.

Year 2 is hard. Harder than year one because the reality of what we have lost gets really heavy. The upside is that with acceptance comes a newfound ability to let go and move forward. Even if things in the M are still up in the air, your feet will start to feel more firmly planted in the ground. Year 3 is better.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17835 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, October 14th (Monday)

year 1 was a mess. Year 2 was anger
Year 3 we started to be us again. We worked towards the same goals
We are now in yr 5. The hardest is to keep it going. We both get lazy. There is complacency But we know it. We are AWARE.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
toughernow
Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Hi

BS here and I am at the beginning of year two R. Anyone with any suggestions on how I could bypass year two completely and go directly to year three


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

For me year 1 was by far the very worst. The realization and shock of learning that I was betrayed, my M in shambles, and my family a mess.

Like others I had read that year 2 was worse but I decided to avoid any possible self-fulfilling prophecy. I entered year two without any preconceived notion of how difficult it would be. Certainly there were difficult times but overall it was easier.

As I approach the end of year 3 I can say that it was much easier than year 1 and 2.

Fortunately, my Wh has worked harder than I during R. As my tagline says, he is putting 200% into it, as he should. This is probably why it was easier for me each year...he has never stopped trying to fix what he destroyed.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2122 | Registered: Nov 2011
MrsDoubtfire
Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

4 years and 5 months past Dday. 3 years and 7 months past true R date though( yeah- I got the dreaded false R in between confirmation and R )

Life is, on the whole, better. I still think about the A but probably because I still lurk on here and that sometimes triggers me.

We are now a fully functioning couple. We've never been able to say that before.

Year 1= pain
Year 2= working out your M
Year 3= coming to terms with your new reality
Year 4 and so forth=being comfortable as a couple.

It's hard work R but can be so fulfilling when your spouse is truly remorseful.

I am happy, contented, alive and LOVING my life as well as my FWH

Stick at it. Oh- and to the poster who asked how to completely bypass year 2? There's always alcohol but my doctor advised against it! He said it would hurt my pocket probably more than my liver

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 5:56 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1583 | Registered: Jul 2009
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Year One was rough, but we made lots of progress (or so I thought) and as the first antiversary approached I thought we would be different and sail through Year 2. Clearly, the SI veterans didn't know what they were talking about.

I was wrong!

The wind came out of my sails quickly and I thought more about divorce in Year 2 than I ever did in Year One. The PLF hit hard. My husband worked his butt off to keep moving R forward because I was just too tired and apathetic to be bothered.

Something clicked in the last half of Year 2. I could feel the difference within myself. I knew I would make it regardless of the outcome.

Year 3 has improved upon that. We've built so many new and wonderful memories while the old sad ones have faded. The unhealthy dynamic has been replaced with a new healthier version.

Still a work in progress but the progress is visible to ourselves and others. And FWIW, we spend a lot of time together -- all day, most days -- and we haven't wanted to kill each other yet.......instead, we enjoy each other's company.

Many times I struggle with what to post on SI now because I'm not in that bad place anymore. It's getting harder to remember and relate to it.

So, it does get better. Hang in there.

t/j I'd love to be able to read Rebreather's hotel analogy again.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

3.5 years post D-day. Years 1 and 2 were spent divorced with me working on myself and trying to move on with my life. I didn't get very far with the latter, but the former has been beyond valuable.

Year 3 has been spent reconnecting and discovering if a life together is really what we both want. I'm about 80% sure it is; I don't want to speak for him but I'd say he's around the same, percentage-wise.

I do know that the work I did in years 1-2 has made me very confident in my ability to finally participate properly in an adult relationship, for which I'm grateful regardless of XH.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2227 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Hey Chicho

I have been thinking about this a lot this past weekend.

I didn’t find SI until we were close to 5 years out, so maybe my healing would have been faster if I had some direction? I dunno. I was definitely on the 5 year plan.

For me, after year 2 which was difficult, as others mentioned, I found myself needing to address the crazies.

We had gone through plenty of digging, talking, unearthing FOO issues, IC….you name it. I got to a point where I knew I would be ok. But I still allowed myself to go to crazy places. I could set myself back with negative thoughts if I allowed my crazy brain to drive me. I could be in a puddle on the floor, full of doubt, making big out of small and creating a chaotic mess for myself.

It had become almost normal for me. But it was far from healthy and certainly not a normal I wanted to live in.

Through the last 3-4 years I have learned how to let go and accept. It took me a long time to do it. I had a spouse that did everything he could to make things right, to fix himself, to help me with my pain and to walk a path with me we would both be happy down.

I realized this part was about me, he couldn’t get here for me and it was unfair to continuously be holding him accountable for things he had no control over. I had to learn that I was enough, that I was good and worth him giving his all to me. I had to start to put into play all that I learned from my healing. Prior, I “knew” what I had learned, could tell you the answer to the question, but still wasn’t always living it.

I had to remove things that were not A related from my pain, if that makes sense. Not everything is A related, but in the first 1-2 years its as if everything is connected…I had to reverse that and only address A issues as A issues, not letting my life be the A issue…KWIM?

So I started to let go. I let go of the voice that would spin webs in my head. I ignored little nagging negative things that were really nothing.

I replaced them with action, a different kind of action since dday. I did positive things for my M, with my spouse, because I wanted to, not because I was escaping a trigger or trying to right a wrong. We began to live married again. I removed the A from my motives to do.
I was in my M because I wanted to be. I wasn’t in survival mode; I wasn’t fighting for my life.

We had won the fight, but I had to realize it was time to stop fighting and let things be.

The pain of the A is behind me, behind us. I don’t worry about him cheating; I don’t control him or his life. Right now, in this moment we both live respectfully and aware that what we do has an effect on the other. We communicate our wants, needs, frustrations with each other. Neither of us is right or wrong at any given moment, we are different. What one needs the other may not, but we both take into account that when the other is in need there needs to be attention given to that need.

We share everything, happiness, successes, failures, pain, doubts and fears. We ask each other for help, we both carry the load and occasionally carry more than our share when the other is tired.

We do this because we love each other, and we choose to fuel that love. We choose now to pay our marriage and our family the love, respect and attention it deserves.

It isn’t easy to get through but I can say that my life has a clarity it never had before. I don’t question the future, I am content with my past and I am able to go forward without fear holding me back.

For me, it’s an amazing place to be and I am eternally grateful. We were given a second chance and we both grabbed on and took it. I don’t ever take the blessing for granted.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaďs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
LivinginLimbo
Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

I'm in year 2. It's actual comforting to know that the anger I'm feeling is normal.

I think it's the reality of what my life has become that's weighing heavily on me. I have so much resentment that I find myself wishing he'd screw up so I'd have an excuse to leave.

I'm 4 months away from the magical year 3 to start. I do hope it gets easier.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Mar 2012
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Thank you Chicho for starting this and for all of you who contributed. Us newbies are reading.

I can see this thread getting bumped in the months and years ahead.

AlexCR...

I think it will because a lot of the little things we've worked to change about ourselves seem to have become a habit now.

That is impt. Doing things differently so the new good stuff becomes habit. Like going to the gym.

karmahappens....

I don’t question the future, I am content with my past and I am able to go forward without fear holding me back.

This made my nose tingle in a, "I hope that is me one day" kind of way.

Thanks again wise ones.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2444 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
IGaveItMyAll
Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Just wanted to say thanks for this post. I needed it today. I am in year 2 and yes it sucks at times. We are both working on ourselves and FOO issues, what kind of relationship we want, how to let go and open up. Its hard. I go through the "I'm Strong to being an emotional wreck" learning how to control my thoughts and emotions, what I am willing to put up with, how I really want to be treated and what I want out of life. I believe this will get easier. I look back and see how far I have come. I believe I will truly be happy again. Weather its with my wife will depend on her actions, limiting beliefs and if she has the vision to bring our relationship to that level. For once in my life I am only giving what I get in return.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Wow Karmahappens...

I am in year 2, rounding the corner toward year 3.

I can so relate to what you posted

For me, after year 2 which was difficult, as others mentioned, I found myself needing to address the crazies.

But I still allowed myself to go to crazy places.

I could set myself back with negative thoughts if I allowed my crazy brain to drive me.

I could be in a puddle on the floor, full of doubt, making big out of small and creating a chaotic mess for myself.

It had become almost normal for me. But it was far from healthy and certainly not a normal I wanted to live in.

^^This. This was me at the beginning of year 2 and sometimes even now. My WH would say that he thought I fought just because I wanted to be fighting. And you know, after awhile, I had to kinda agree. The fighting with each other, for each other...it all becomes second nature and you can really get STUCK there.

And I have started this....

I have learned how to let go and accept.

I realized this part was about me, he couldn’t get here for me and it was unfair to continuously be holding him accountable for things he had no control over.

I had to learn that I was enough, that I was good and worth him giving his all to me.

I had to remove things that were not A related from my pain,

I had to reverse that and only address A issues as A issues, not letting my life be the A issue…KWIM?

So I started to let go. I let go of the voice that would spin webs in my head. I ignored little nagging negative things that were really nothing.

And now I am focusing on this...

I replaced them with action, a different kind of action since dday. I did positive things for my M, with my spouse, because I wanted to, not because I was escaping a trigger or trying to right a wrong. We began to live married again. I removed the A from my motives to do.
I was in my M because I wanted to be. I wasn’t in survival mode; I wasn’t fighting for my life.

I had to realize it was time to stop fighting and let things be.

Thank you again, Karmahappens. You have put into words what I am living right now. I am eternally grateful!!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1541 | Registered: Jun 2012
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Year two here also. Ugh.
Sometimes it just smacks me- this happened-he did this!
I'm all over the place-flat, then Rollercoaster. Mostly, I want to run.

I was really happy to read these posts today.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
sunandmoon
Member
Member # 10180
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

I'm more than 8 years out (pop in from time to time to check how all are doing and offer support. Also, three freinds are or have D in the past year due to A which sent me back here for some wisdom). The plain of lethal flatness was so much more difficult for me than even the first year of heartbreak and chaos. Feeling nothing for anything- even at times for my kids- was gut wrenching. I would say it is pretty smooth coming out from that phase. But I have to be honest- there is still work to be done. And that is just because Marriage is work. Relationships are work. I am not R'd or M'd because I HAVE to be. I am because I CHOOSE to be and when we make a choice we have to do the work to put that choice in to action.

Sending all of you R'ers positive vibes-

sunandmoon


Posts: 1635 | Registered: Mar 2006
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Thank you.

2.5 months to go before year 2 is done. Have felt a shift in last few months toward a peace and acceptance with less focus on outcome. And WH IC is finally turning him around. I'm still not convinced entirely. But I am not to be the victim of this A any longer. My life is more.

And i keep finding joy- in some of the places it used to be and in some new ones.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Year two here also. Ugh.
Sometimes it just smacks me- this happened-he did this!
I'm all over the place-flat, then Rollercoaster. Mostly, I want to run.
I was really happy to read these posts today.

exactly where I am at. Especially the "wanting to run" part.

He could be golden. He has been lately... occasionally he asks me, "will anything I do ever be enough?"
And if it's not, I need to let him go...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5262 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Angel177
Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

I just started year 2 and I sooo needed to read this today!! I can relate to so much of this.

I keep going day to day (sometimes minute to minute) telling myself that it won't always be this hard...I am so glad to see that it really does get better then this.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 250 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 26