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User Topic: Is it too early to make a decision?
hurtbyaffair1
New Member
Member # 25092
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Posting frequently this past week and am in so much pain.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=510409

I am coming into the 4 week mark now with a less than remorseful Wife (2nd affair in 5 years) and one that is not decisive on recovery. To make matters worse she is constantly texting the OM (they are both leaders in a youth not for profit).

I am slowly coming to the realization that I cannot reconcile our marriage alone and with her not decided (afraid, angry about past hurts, etc.) and the fact that she has been sad and unhappy since the discovery about 4 weeks ago that we will just not be able to put this back together.

I struggle between giving up and just continuing to apply the 180 but feel that I should just cut bait and start down the path of divorce.

Am I rushing things and should just hold my chin up and see if she will eventually come around our just pull the knife out and get over the pain quickly and start heading off on my own direction.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Connecticut, USA
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, October 14th (Monday)

It's never too early to protect yourself. Right now your WW is giving you nothing to work with. Nothing changes with inaction. You can consult a lawyer and separate your finances without divorcing (and continue with the 180). It means that you are unwilling to accept infidelity in your marriage and that you are willing to protect your rights. Her choices are up to her.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
silentheart
Member
Member # 40903
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, October 14th (Monday)

It is still too new to make your final decision. But that doesn't mean that you can't start putting the ball in motion to establish where you are at with all of this, set boundaries, etc. I just found this site one week ago so I don't have the best advise for you yet. I'm still struggling and DD for me was 14 months ago. I am trying to work through R but my BF is showing interest and wanting to help me heal. In the beginning he didn't act that way though. He acted like it was all a nuisance and just seemed to be made that he got caught. If I would have given up after 4 weeks then I would not have had the chance at R and actually healing in areas for both me and my BF. It has to be your decision but definitely do the 180. I wish I would have found this site earlier and I would have done that for sure.


Me: BW, 37
Him: SO, 37
No children
Committed relationship 13 years
Dday: July, 2012

Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Texas
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Ser is right.
you being placed in this land of limbo is horrible. She is being incredibly disrespectful to you, blatently texting him in front of you? That is just wrong, and I know that the only reason you are tolerating it right now is because she has broken your heart and self esteem so bad that you see no other option.

It's time for her to shit or get off the pot.
Go see a lawyer, find out what your rights are, and get the paperwork started. Then go home and say this is it. I will not continue to be disrespected in this way any longer. I am now realize this is all on you. You either stop this immediately, and sign up for IC, send NC note, and become completely transparent, or I am filing today. Then be prepared to do it.

She needs her little fantasy world rocked hard. She is clearly in her own happy rainbow farting unicorn land, and until she has consequences for her actions she will change absolutely nothing.

If she is not getting paid for this leadership gig, I would definitely out the A to the organization, I would also out the A to the OM's spouse or partner if he has one.

No ONE deserves this treatment, unfortunately it doesn't stop until you say it does.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8229 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Rella
Member
Member # 21136
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Great advise so far! Cannot add anything to it, except to encourage you to make a move. Start the ball rolling for you! Your well-being! Your sanity!

You are right, you cannot do it alone, and if WW is unwilling to participate, then set yourself free... or at least start the process. You deserve so much more than to take the treatment that she is handing you.

(((Hugs)))


Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012

When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!


Posts: 2206 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
damaged71
Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, October 14th (Monday)

HBA1...

Don't take this the wrong way because I have a rather harsh view of all of this and because of it I advise adapting a "scorched earth" policy in regards to this. My reasons are many but the primary one is that the scorched earth route would have caused me the least amount of pain.

I did what you did,understood, cajoled, waited around and so on. Doing that only caused me pain.
I have said on many occasions if I had it to do all over again I would have just handed her divorce papers and walked out.

Did I want to be married, sure I did, but I suffered for the hope and trust I had in her. Your wife is gone. She has been replaced by something..other. Forget what you knew about her. She isn't playing by the same rules any more.

You will NEVER be able to "nice" her back into loving you. It's just not possible. I have been on here for 18 months and I have never seen it happen.

If you want to shortcut all of this file for divorce. This will take the power from her and everything will be on your terms then. Be prepared to follow through.

If you don't do that I'll tell you what will happen. After about 9 months of getting DESTROYED by the one that shared your vows you will realize that you might be better of alone. Actually if you look back, how happy were you really? I finally looked back only to realize that I was miserable. In her current state I was better off without her.

Once you realize you are better off alone you will get your power back. You will realize she isn't worth all the pain. You will realize this because she isn't. Think about this, nothing she is doing is short of abuse.

You need to yank the rug out from under her fantasy. You'll be better for it.

[This message edited by damaged71 at 2:28 PM, October 14th (Monday)]


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
hurtbyaffair1
New Member
Member # 25092
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, October 14th (Monday)

I am slowly coming to this realization as well. I think the hardest thing for me at this time is the overall lack of respect I see with her constantly texting the OM (15 to 20 txts today alone) and she says that it is all related to the volunteer work. She does not let me know she contacts him and gets angry when I call her on it.

She ways it is all work related and mad that I am checking up on her.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Connecticut, USA
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, October 14th (Monday)

It's not too early. Make your decisions when they're right for YOU.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8579 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
HurtsBad
Member
Member # 20687
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, October 14th (Monday)

A cautionary tale:

I tried to nice my WW back into the M. Nothing changed in 18 months, except that I finally got tired of being played, and I was sure and certain that she wasn't coming back. That's eighteen months of my life I'll never get back.

You can choose to D or R. If you choose to R, then SHE'S got to pull her head out and want R. Both things have to happen. So, from a statistical point, D is much more likely.

If you start D now, you can stop it anytime.


Good judgment comes from experience.
Experience comes from bad judgment.

Posts: 605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: the best place in the Whole Wide World!
Truly
Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, October 14th (Monday)


Only 2 people per marriage. That's how it works, not three...never three.

Go to a lawyer, she's still living in that beautiful place where unicorns fart rainbows...ugh

Coolly and calmly DETACH. 180, look to the horizon. You never know, her bubble may burst and the fog dissipate. But right now, today, she's still in her A and she's forcing you to live in it too.

It's not too early to clearly state the things that you have decided are non-negotiable.
NC, for me, is one of those.


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
LifeisCrazy
Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, October 14th (Monday)

She knows you are aware of the affair and she's still texting him? Under your roof? 2nd time around?

F that. I'd have her bags packed with a note that says, "Save the texts, tell him in person."

She is pissing on you. Keep your self respect and throw her ass out. She's already gone. Oh, and I'd contact the youth group and out him to everyone as well. Let's see how fun the affair is when everyone knows about it.

Sorry.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Hurt,

Everyone has given you good advice. I only have one thing to add since I don't see it mentioned anywhere. You say this is her 2nd affair in 5 years?

The way I see it is this. You gave her the gift of reconciliation once and....she spit on it.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 714 | Registered: Apr 2013
ExhaustedWhat2do
New Member
Member # 40947
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, October 14th (Monday)

HBA,

My WW is doing the exact same thing your WS is doing to you. I just caught her going over to the OM's apartment again yesterday. I walked up to her while she was pulling out her overnight bag.

She had the nerve to tell me she was just dropping off something of his, and she was going to visit her girlfriend who lives in the mountains. The issue with that lie, is in the 8 years we've been together she has never once gone and visited this girlfriend.

I feel as you do as well. I want to R more than anything. I've been working on myself for the last 3 months, even before the A started. She has even said she didn't think I was going to change and because i did she said she's confused on what to do. She never ended the A after the first D-Day.

We are suppose to talk tonight. Unfortunately, i think it will lead to D. I'm in limbo as you and have been for at least 8 weeks because of the suspicion and affair behaviour i picked up on before getting proof and a confession.

I feel sick. I truly understand how you are feeling.


BS(Me) 42
WW 43
DD 9/27/13
Married 6 1/2yrs; together 8
Going through Divorce, heading toward freedom

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, October 14th (Monday)

I am coming into the 4 week mark now with a less than remorseful Wife (2nd affair in 5 years) and one that is not decisive on recovery. To make matters worse she is constantly texting the OM (they are both leaders in a youth not for profit).

I am slowly coming to the realization that I cannot reconcile our marriage alone and with her not decided (afraid, angry about past hurts, etc.) and the fact that she has been sad and unhappy since the discovery about 4 weeks ago that we will just not be able to put this back together.

I struggle between giving up and just continuing to apply the 180 but feel that I should just cut bait and start down the path of divorce.

Am I rushing things and should just hold my chin up and see if she will eventually come around our just pull the knife out and get over the pain quickly and start heading off on my own direction.

Nothing is ever actually final until you die. And even then there is some debate.

Many here. Myself among them. Wish we had pulled the plug when it became apparent that our WS was not going to do the work and that R was just not going to be a possibility.

Sometimes it takes a big move on the part of the BS to get their WS to wake up. Maybe filing for D will do that. Maybe not. Either way works in your favor.

There are few things worse in life than being stuck with a unremorseful WS. One that ignores your pain and has no empathy at all.

It would do no harm to see a lawyer and at least protect yourself financially. You can even file for the D. Theres usually a year waiting period and maybe your WW will wake up during that time.

Even if you D your WW there is no law that says that some years down the line if you and your (now X)WW hook up that you cant remarry.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3429 | Registered: Sep 2007
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, October 14th (Monday)

cannot reconcile our marriage alone

That is what says it all.

If she doesn't want to do this, you need to protect yourself. That is what lawyers help you with.

Reality sucks, and sometimes that is what is needed to get a WS to wake up, or announce their true intentions.

Good luck.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 945 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
hurtbyaffair1
New Member
Member # 25092
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, October 14th (Monday)

It just never ends... Today she went to the nail salon and found out one of our earlier checks bounced and she is angry that she was embarrassed and mad yet again.

I told her we are clearing things up and to pay them but nothing seems to ever be good enough. Obviously, I am not either.

So, plan is to tell her tonight I have had enough (she is at her IC now who seems to "understand" her - not a marriage IC and is actually my kids IC). Going to take the plunge and let the cards fall where they will.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Connecticut, USA
LifeisCrazy
Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Hurt - I know this sucks. But it is time for you to put on the "I am strong" hat and be the man of the house. Don't let her give you a hundred reasons not to end it, or bat her eyes, or talk about how awful it will be for the kids....

SHE has done this. HER. Not you.

Put your foot down and get mad. Let her know that you will NOT be second fiddle in your marriage. If she wants to text him - Good! Text him that you're on your way over and, btw, you're going after full custody. Now get the f out.

I am all for anger early on. Not throw things, hit people anger.... but anger enough that it drives you to protect yourself. And right now you need to protect yourself with the strength to end the marriage if necessary.

As others have said, she can always crawl back to you. (And I have a strange sense she will. Would you want her back??)

Be strong and good luck.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, October 14th (Monday)

There is nothing worse than an unremorseful spouse.

It takes time for your head to catch up with your heart, and that is what makes it difficult for us to take any action that we fear will drive our spouse away.

But she has already left. For the 2nd time in 5 years. And despises you to boot(yes, she despises you right now). How much are we supposed to take? When is enough?

Damaged71 is right--scorched earth--but only when you are willing to back up your words.

For me, it was 21 months of Hell--now that I look back at it. First, it was the paralyzing fear that kept me inactive. Then it was the hopes that things were getting better--kind of like a false R--because you could *feel* that things were not right. Eventually, at my last D-day, I was ready to blow every.fucking.thing sky high. There was only anger, and not a shred of fear---and I didn't care if we would up homeless. I just couldn't take this life of infidelity anymore.

But that is exactly what woke my WW up. My signature line still says "heading for D", even though I am still here. But the fear that was once always there is gone.

You need to get to this point. The realization that staying where you are right now is worse than any of the other options. And when you reach this point, you will see things in a different light. Guaranteed.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2042 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
hurtbyaffair1
New Member
Member # 25092
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, October 14th (Monday)

JB, that light just came on and I see things much clearer now. Tonight she sees that her actions and attitude just caught up and it is done for me. I am a fit, smart, educated, career man who has much more to offer and receive in a relationship. Gloves are off now.Will keep you posted. Should be a VERY interesting night.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Connecticut, USA
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Tonight she sees that her actions and attitude just caught up and it is done for me. I am a fit, smart, educated, career man who has much more to offer and receive in a relationship. Gloves are off now.

Isn't it insane what we have to fight for?

All we are asking...no, DEMANDING...are things that would be bare minimums in any relationship--honesty, transparency, COMMITMENT. If we stepped back, and asked ourselves--"Am I literally asking my spouse to love and care for me?", we would call ourselves crazy. But that is what we are doing.

It just goes to show how far out of reality their mindsets are. It doesn't mean that it is our job to fix it; it just shows us the work that they have to do to fix themselves.

And many of them are not up to the task.

Hope things went OK last night.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2042 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
hurtbyaffair1
New Member
Member # 25092
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Things went relatively well last night and has now appeared to do a 180 shift. Wondering if it is more smoke at the moment but the situation is crystal clear to her on what it will take to avoid D and commit to trying to head in a positive direction.

Close watch and eyes wide open - actions, not words.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Connecticut, USA
somer222
Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

I am so sorry that you are in this situation and wish you the very best.

I am one who ended my marriage very soon after discovery day. I was dealing with a man I discovered to be a habitual cheater.

It wasn't easy, but I am five and a half years out and can say with certainty I did the right thing - by me.

Be true to yourself and best wishes!


Posts: 1398 | Registered: Oct 2008
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Brother. You have gotten the best advice ever on here from all. Better than some ic could ever give because we have all been there and some still are like me! My stbxww had no remorse at all not for one second but I woke up and did the no contact and we are divorcing as she is still with the other piece of shit. But It took a line for me to man up . I drew a line and said this ( infidelity) is one thing I will not accept ever from anyone in a marraige . Kids or not. My kids have to respect me at least , it's obvious she does not. I wrote in and posted and listened to all the advice on here why? Because we are all experts ! All of us and now you are. What would you tell your child to do if they were going through this? I know it is hard. I slip often but never to her. F--k her she does not deserve my weakness. I stay in anger and use it to protect myself. And sure I learned a lot by trial and error as you will . But I can guarantee you that if you file and no contact you will feel better and be able to look in that mirror proud ! You cannot control her but you can control you! I am just speaking from experience . I hope things work out and I wish you the best. Stay strong and take comfort in knowing you are not alone.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 631 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

you being placed in this land of limbo is horrible.

You either stop this immediately, and sign up for IC, send NC note, and become completely transparent, or I am filing today. Then be prepared to do it.

I did what you did,understood, cajoled, waited around and so on. Doing that only caused me pain.
I have said on many occasions if I had it to do all over again I would have just handed her divorce papers and walked out.

You will NEVER be able to "nice" her back into loving you. It's just not possible. I have been on here for 18 months and I have never seen it happen.

nothing she is doing is short of abuse.

I tried to nice my WW back into the M. Nothing changed in 18 months, except that I finally got tired of being played, and I was sure and certain that she wasn't coming back. That's eighteen months of my life I'll never get back.

For me, it was 21 months of Hell--now that I look back at it. First, it was the paralyzing fear that kept me inactive.

^^^^^^^
These, Hurtbyaffair, these...

Scorched earth. Immediately. I was you a year ago, and these good people had the same advice. I did not listen for the longest time, and it only got worse and worse.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Wishing you strength and dignity. Don't permit her to deprive you of these any longer.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1588 | Registered: Dec 2012
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

She is just blatantly disrespecting you and you need to say enough is enough. I would take this one step further; instead of telling her that if she doesn't get her act together you will divorce, [which will force the affair underground together with a false promise to 'reconcile'], I would just say the straw on the camels back is now broken and you want out, so you can find someone else to be happy with.

No interest in reconciling, you want OUT as soon as possible. This should thoroughly alarm your WW since she counts on you being the fall-back option, not a guy with a mind of his own.

As the divorce date draws closer you can then make up your mind as to whether you will go through with it or not. By then you should have won some respect from your wife and be in control of this situation. If she doesn't come round then you have lost her anyway.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Topic Posts: 25