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Reconciliation
User Topic: I hate when he says his IC sessions are "good"
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Yeah, yeah, I recognize he's in pain from all he's done and I know I wrote that big long post about it, but dammit...I just want him to say, once, that his IC session was "hard" or "emotional" instead of "good. It went good." (Yes, I did say that in a rude, mocking tone that is totally blowing this reconciliation exercise we are doing. I wasn't supposed to criticize him today. fat chance of that happening right now. I seriously can't even get past the first damn day!)

Shithead.

Today I just blurted out. "I wish it wasn't always 'good'. I'd like you to suffer at least a little."

Sure, some of my sessions have been good but usually they SUCK because there is all this emotional crap that comes out. But for him...it is "good."

I know...I shouldn't want him to suffer, but come on...just a little in his private sessions? Just a little??????

(I know he may have tougher sessions than he lets on...it's just annoying how he minimizes everything!!!! Always has..even before the affair.)

[This message edited by topperoff22 at 3:35 PM, October 14th (Monday)]


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Ask him what good means? Did he come to relaize he has some issues he needs to deal with. Did he bullshit the IC into believing he has no problems?

Why would you not want him to suffer?? He should suffer some consequences for his actions. A pissed off wife is only one of them.



Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, October 14th (Monday)

I know...I shouldn't want him to suffer, but come on...just a little in his private sessions? Just a little??????
How do you know he's not suffering in those sessions? How do you know that he's not dealing with the emotional fallout from his IC appt? What if him saying "good" is the final result of him processing everything from his meeting with IC?


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5765 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, October 14th (Monday)

The next time he comes home and says things were "good," ask him what he means by "good."

It might mean they're digging deep into his issues and he feels he's getting a lot out of the session.

I think the problem is that you DON'T know what he's feeling because he doesn't communicate with you.

Wanting hinm to suffer..this early out from dday..is normal. You're sure suffering because of his choices,aren't you? So..yeah..normal. But if this feeling continues,it's something you should address in IC. Im assuming you don't mean you want him rolling on the floor sobbing..but you do want to know that he is working on the "bad" parts of himself that made him think it was ok to cheat..and working on those kinds of things are typically painful and/or difficult.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7116 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
silentheart
Member
Member # 40903
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, October 14th (Monday)

I would talk to him in more detail about it and explain what you feel when he says "good". Make sure he understands that you understand that IC would hopefully result in good coming from it in terms of that person understanding their wrongs and learning ways to deal with it and how to handle things differently. When he says "good" he is most likely summing it up like meaning that they talked about alot, he understood some things, got some good advice, was told where he was wrong, etc. and so in that case then to him IC was "good". But I completely agree with how that turns you off b/c it sounds like he is minimizing it. He might have a hard time with showing/exposing his true emotions and feelings about IC with you. I would talk to him about it. Sorry you have to feel that way after everything else.


Me: BW, 37
Him: SO, 37
No children
Committed relationship 13 years
Dday: July, 2012

Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Texas
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Why would you not want him to suffer?? He should suffer some consequences for his actions. A pissed off wife is only one of them.

I do know he has been suffering..really...there has been a lot of suffering, guilt and tears, mixed in with a lot of asshole behavior. He can't change from an asshole (half asshole, really...he wasn't "all asshole" if there is such a thing) to a good guy over night. There has been some very, very good things happening the last few days. TRULY. I just want to clarify that because I put a lot of bad stuff and don't want it to sound like it has all been bad. I made that mistake last week. :-)


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, October 14th (Monday)

How do you know he's not suffering in those sessions? How do you know that he's not dealing with the emotional fallout from his IC appt? What if him saying "good" is the final result of him processing everything from his meeting with IC?

Good point!


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, October 14th (Monday)

FWIW - IC would drain me - physically, emotionally, and psychologically. Often times, the drive home was my time to process everything, purge what was needed and give myself much needed affirmations. More often than not, when H would ask how it went, my response was "it was good" - because it was!


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5765 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Sorry topper,

I do think many WS do suffer. I don't think they really ever comprehend the suffering a BS goes through. The rollercoaster ride they put us on.

I am glad to hear that there is good stuff. You may want to read in the I Can Relate forum about the emotionally unavailable WS. Godd can mean many things and maybe that is the deepest feeling he can come up with. Hopefully with time and practice he can share a little more emotions with you.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Topic Posts: 9