Just Found Out
User Topic: Found out 19 days ago while on vacation
New Member
Member # 40978
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Things had been weird before the trip. Lots of late nites, working late, etc, so I checked his phone. And there it was. 2 weeks of texts. That's as far as I could go back. I was shaking. I woke him up and confronted him. The text said he had sent HER flowers from OUR vacation 2 days into the trip.
So we came home 3 days early, and he's been in a hotel ever since.
He says they were just talking, then one thing led to another, and it's been going on for 3 months. She's 18 years younger. And she's a stripper.
This is so extraordinarily out of character. Generally he is the most thoughtful guy.
I feel so numb. Started IC. Just set up appt. for MC next week, but haven't told him about it yet.
He told me that he still texts her and has messed around with her since we've been back.
What am I supposed to do? I told I would reconcile. He needs to cut off all ties. He says he needs time to think.
Doesn't seem like ANYTHING he wants should be on the table.
His hotel is so close. I drive by all the time. I feel like i'm obsessed with his location. We've been together, not married, 16 years. I've never NOT had him in my orbit. Somedays seem more tolerable than others. Today's been a struggle. I just want him here. Waiting for the anger phase to kick in. This miserable feeling is the worst.

[This message edited by Feelingobsessed at 4:31 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, October 14th (Monday)

I'm so sorry you are here ((((hugs))))

People will be along with awesome advice shortly. Please don't blame yourself this is not your fault.
Be aware that you cannot go to MC while your partner is in an affair, that's crazy!

Two people per relationship only.

Stay strong

There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens

Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
New Member
Member # 40978
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, October 14th (Monday)

I know the MC appt sounds crazy. But before we went away, before I found out, he had suggested it. WTH?
So I made an appt. I don't know. It makes me feel like I'm doing SOMEthing. It's 8 days away. I can cancel it if I need to. 8 days feels like an eternity.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, October 14th (Monday)

MC at this point would be moot. He's not remorseful nor is he even in the relationship with you.

Seriously.....a stripper? Hasn't someone told him they are ALWAYS on the troll for someone to bleed dry for money? What a fool.....

Are there kids in the mix?


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6580 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, October 14th (Monday)


I'm really so very sorry you find yourself here. It's really hard to get your head around how badly your soul can be crushed. There are so many folks here who have walked this road ahead of you and have wonderful advice.

Some of what you will hear may be hard to hear but, you need to listen carefully to what is said. This club is very loyal to its members and gives you the best they have to offer.

Gently, if he is still texting her he is cake eating. In other words, taking the best of his two worlds. When they say they need time to think, that's wayward code for I'm not ready to give this up.

He just blew your world apart and you are so shocked you haven't really absorbed it yet. Being kind, understanding and standing there with arms wide open to take him back are only signals to him that he can keep the gig going a little longer. He is disrespecting you in a big way. Please don't let him keep on. You call the shots now. Only you can put an end to that kind of selfish behavior by not allowing it to continue.

Tell him that there is no room in your relationship for a third person and if he wants to keep what he had with you she has to! How long does someone have to think about that?

Read up on the 180 in The Healing Library up in the top left hand corner and start it 10 minutes ago. Honey, he is deep in a fantasy world & it's going to take rocking his world to get his attention.

Be good to yourself. No one deserves to be treated with such disrespect. He had something great & he needs to feel just how dangerously close he is to losing it.

BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, October 14th (Monday)

First off, sorry that you are here.

What am I supposed to do? I told I would reconcile. He needs to cut off all ties. He says he needs time to think.
Doesn't seem like ANYTHING he wants should be on the table.

Actually, he can do WHATEVER he wants. If he wants to communicate with her, he can do so. He is free to do what he wants, and you can not change that.

But YOU can decide what you want, and what is acceptable to you. Just like you have no control over his actions, he has no control over yours.

Decide what you want in this relationship. Write down the minimums that are needed in order to try to reconcile. And then stick to them. Don't budge one inch, as these are the MINIMUMS that are needed to attempt R. And if these *crazy* demands...such as No Contact, honesty, transparency, etc....can't be met by your partner, then he leaves you no alternative then to work toward leaving the relationship.

He says he needs time to think.

This is the line that I always hated. As far as I am concerned, they have 5 decide if they want to be with us, or not. Granted, their train of thought is screwed up at this time, but that can be sorted through after they commit to the relationship. There is zero excuse to *have to* allow him time to think.

He is all in, or he is all out. Period.

Keep reading and posting--especially The Healing Library in the top left corner in the yellow box. Good luck.

2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, October 14th (Monday)


Very sorry for what you are going through. You are not alone.

A couple things:

Started IC. Just set up appt. for MC next week, but haven't told him about it yet.

and then this

He told me that he still texts her and has messed around with her since we've been back.

first, as you pointed out you cannot reconcile with a person if there is still contact going on between him and the other woman. PERIOD. Because he is still in contact with her there is no reason to go to MC. Continue with IC for yourself though. MC is for couples who want to work on their relationshipo together. You'll be spinning your wheels and get continously hurt during MC if you go with him at this point.


He says he needs time to think.

This is wayward speak for "I still want my OW on the side. I don't want to commit to my relationship with you." I'm sorry, it's hard to hear but that's what he is doing. Now is the time to focus on you and protecting yourself. He is not the person you know, he is very focused on himself and getting his ego boosted. He is unreliable.

You don't have to make a decision immediately. Go to IC and figure out what you want/need to do for yourself.

One last thing. Have yourself tested for STD's. I know the thought of that might be crazy but he is putting your at risk by not being faithful. You are priority number one now.

Betrayel is a horrible thing to go through but you will get through this.

Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 40903
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, October 14th (Monday)

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. My DD was July 2012 and I just found this site a week ago. It has been so helpful so I'm glad you found it right away. Your feelings will change from one day to the next and that is completely normal. Read through the healing library and I see tons of suggestions to follow the 180. I wish I would have followed that from the beginning. We all know how you are feeling and it is horrible, devastating, unfair, etc. Continue to post and get support from this site and take care of yourself.

Me: BW, 37
Him: SO, 37
No children
Committed relationship 13 years
Dday: July, 2012

Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Texas
New Member
Member # 40978
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, October 14th (Monday)

No kids, and we're not married. The feedback is great. Today has been a crappy low day. Some days I hear myself talking about it like it happened to someone else. Today it feels real.
Re: Needing time to think...
So give an ultimatum? I agree it should take like 5 seconds to realize the error of his ways. He says he's so sorry he hurt me, and he didn't think I "felt" anything for him. So tell him, NC, or no chance with me?

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Maryland
New Member
Member # 40978
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, October 14th (Monday)

She also has a day job. His company does service work there. Everything I see on here talks about telling the OP's spouse. But what about sending letters about her other life to her employer?

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Definitely out her to her employer..

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
New Member
Member # 40978
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, October 14th (Monday)

what does the out letter say? she's a stripper? or that's she's knowingly having an affair with a person who's been with someone for 16 years? I just reread the 180 and am going to the gym.
with him being in the hotel, and haven't been in contact for 2 days, it kills me. the 180 talks about staying strong, not being needy. So I just let him sit in that hotel until what? when?
sigh. gym now.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, October 14th (Monday)


You've gotten some great advice. One bit that I want to add is to see a lawyer pronto and figure out how to separate your finances (there's a post about this in the JFO forum in the most recent pages). From what I've seen on these boards, stripper OW's are masters at taking financial advantage of fools.

Now, with the 180, bear in mind that it is a fundamental shift for you. It is not meant to be used to manipulate your WH. It is meant to move to a stronger and more confident you who will respect your needs. Sometimes it does have the side benefit of showing your WH that you a capable and willing to move on with your life and that he must get his shit together if he wants to go with you.

Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17100 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Hi honey, I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but the support is amazing.

I'm going to bump a post for you, "20/20 Hindsight What I Should Have Done When I JFO", it's by Katherine41, it might help you with some of your questions, I think it's worth it's weight in gold.

Honey, one thing I can assure you, although hard to believe right now, is that you will feel better than you do right now. Promise.

[This message edited by hard_yards at 9:05 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1241 | Registered: Apr 2009
New Member
Member # 40978
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, October 14th (Monday)

The feedback is truly helpful. I feel like it makes this urge I have to go and find him (ie: drive by his hotel)a little less strong. I like reading the feedback.
I went to the gym tonight and remembered that earlier in the summer, the class I had been taking was switched to Thursdays. How convenient for him. That's one of the 3 days the strip club is open. The class got me home around 8:45pm. I still haven't gotten truly angry. It's like I get it all. That she's meeting his needs/stroking his ego. I wonder if I want him back so he's not with her? but 16 years is a LONG time. ugh. I will check out the post you recommended. Thank you.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Maryland
New Member
Member # 40978
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, October 14th (Monday)

what does "bump a post" mean? how do I find it?
also, I am getting email notifications like crazy and can't find where to turn that off.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Maryland
New Member
Member # 40978
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, October 14th (Monday)

I see it!! thanks!

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Feeling obsessed,

I am wondering and this isn't to be a bitch truly it isn't.

Do you still truly want to be with him or do you not want to loose. This is one of the things right after DDAY I had to figure out.

If it was me all signs are indicating that this is going the wrong way. He's out of the house , you're still in contact and he's mad it quite clear that his whore is first priority.

I personally, knowing your country is easier in doing this. Would file for does not mean you have to continue the divorce it can stop at any time.

You also need to look at your bank accounts. The 180 I feel personally would be more effective if you were living together, he can't avoid it. However no fricken way could I live with him. So grain of salt there.

So you need to make a stand for yourself. Keep him out of the house. Change the locks do the accounts and get him served.

Don't let him know you are doing it. Let his heart and gut sink.
The 180 is for your independence, however I will note that you will find out very soon whether he is worth it.

No MC, no point.

Eta on ipad so sorry for typos. Also goi g to the gym etc is fantastic. Hang in there you will find an inner strength you didn't know you had

[This message edited by lauren123 at 11:16 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

I am so sorry that you are here. Someone is always here for you.

You are not married and there are no kids. Are finances mixed? If so work on financial separation and possibly an attorney visit.

180 for you. Rebuild yourself. Individual counseling will help you'll long with if you have friends or family IRL that you can turn to.

Read the healing library.

Eat, drink water, exercise and sleep. Get checked for stds. I don't care what he says about contact.

As you heard, MC seems pointless right now. He needs some serious IC himself before he can even begin to be a safe partner for R. MC caveat: if you are not comfortable talking with him or have some things you would Iike to ask or say in a safe setting, MC might be a facilitator. But it might be along the lines of people doing couples counseling to end a relationship.

Where is anger, you ask? You are probably still in shock. You report talking about it calmly and being awed by the turn of events. Anger will come on its own schedule, and be sure not to stuff it down or block it. It can be your friend and regardless you need to feel it to get through it.

Thinking of you. PM me whenever. Take care of yourself.

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

As someone suggested, please read the 180 in the Healing Library under BS FAQs #11. Also, I hate to bring this up, but you should get tested for STDs right away.

Remember you are missing the man you thought he was. The man he is has proven he doesn't put you first already. He's just thinking of himself and the best deal for him.

I know you weren't married, but some Lawyers give free consults and you should take advantage of that to find out your rights and options. Also make copies of everything financial, just in case, while the records are still in your home.

Most importantly, look after yourself. Letting him know you are sitting home waiting for him will not get him back, if that is what you choose. Hugs.

I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.

Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
New Member
Member # 40978
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

STD free. TMI?
Have a meeting with a lawyer tomorrow, and have all the financials. He pays the bills right now, and has agreed to continue. Will sign a contract saying as much.
We are in a weird situation because of the business I'm opening. He's the contractor on my building space. We will need to be in touch, but when we talk business, it's weirdly professional.
No contact in 3 days. That's the hardest part for me. I read other people's posts, or maybe it was the 180, about needing a "fix". That is what it feels like. WOrking on not wanting that so much. Working today so that will keep me busy.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Before issuing an ultimatum to him, set one for yourself.

It does no good to draw a line in the sand and back down. Be prepared to back it up if you do.
I'm sorry about the business involvement, is there a contract btwn you regarding that?
Glad you're seeing a lawyer. If there is a contract, definitely bring it to see if & how you can change that situation.

One way to work on not wanting contact with him is to replace it with wanting more contact with you.
You go deep sister.

Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Topic Posts: 22