User Topic: Not capable of the love and care we deserve
Member # 37152
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, October 14th (Monday)

I have been thinking about this and just saw someone's post about why her XH didn't love her the way anouther H did his wife! I read and think and try to be worthy of love so much but I think the issue may be some may not know how to love or care for anouther. I saw the crappy way my XH treated the OW and myself and know he didn't try anything! No reason no support no love no change nothing.
Bishop TD jakes said a while ago on Oprah some people are gallon and some pint size people
maybe asking for real love from these people is like blood from stones
I see some stories of R and know those people have full heart mind and soul to give and share with anouther but my XH is not equipped and it would not matter if I was sandra bullock and mother Theresa blend he still could not have loved me the way I deserved
I now try every day to endusure my kids grow up equipped to fully love and be loved cause living without feeling real love, acting from love must suck
congrats to all of you who are capable and willing and live love
happy thanksgiving

A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

Posts: 186 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Guelph
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, October 14th (Monday)

The best analogy I've heard is to compare the WS to a bucket with a hole in it. No matter how much you try to fill the bucket (that is, with love) it will never be enough because something is fundamentally wrong with the bucket.

Your WH's actions are, indeed, a reflection on him alone. He has refused to face reality and has tried to run away from it. The funny thing is, that no matter how far and how fast you run, you can never outrun yourself without losing yourself. It's a self propogating, downward spiral.

Love requires vulnerability. It requires being the true you. Your WH does not like what he sees when he catches that reflection. If you deny who you are, you can't give of yourself.

You, however, do deserve to be treated with respect and reciprocity and love. And your children deserve a mother who will respect herself and show them how a functional adult deals with adversity.

Hang in there whatamidoing. Stay smart. Stay strong. Stay true to yourself.
You will find your future.

[This message edited by SerJR at 7:16 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17100 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, October 14th (Monday)

I never felt unconditionally loved by ex-shat. I would mention to him how his love for me always felt contingent on what I was providing or doing for him.

He wasn't capable of giving me that unconditional love because he was only ever worried about himself or how something made him feel.
He couldn't give because all he knew was how to take.

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4683 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Your post title sums it up perfectly. They are simply not capable of the "love" that is required in a marriage. Thank you for sharing your insight and reminder to live authentically for ourselves and for our children.

Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2268 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Love requires vulnerability. It requires being the true you. Your WH does not like what he sees when he catches that reflection. If you deny who you are, you can't give of yourself.

This is so right it stings, SerJR.

I spent the last few years of the M wondering where his love went. Where the guy I loved and married went. Wondering what I had done wrong. 5 years I spent in that state.

Truth is it had been gone for a long time. The closer I tried to get to him the more he pushed me away. I yearned for intimacy that he was simply unable to give.

There was also a point where I realised he didn't know me at all. Only as his wife and the mother of his children.

They cannot give what they do not posses.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 5