User Topic: Asked him to leave finally
New Member
Member # 39394
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, October 14th (Monday)

So I just read the post on "he said marriage could have been saved if" and it felt so relevant but I didn't want to threadjack, so started my own. After many months of in-house separation, I finally told him to move out because I couldn't stand being around him anymore and always wondering where he was or who he was with when he wasn't home. Even though I have told him I want a divorce when our daughter gets back from her year abroad, he still thinks this is a temporary arrangement. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy because he is so convinced he is in the right. When I expressed anger again that he risked my life/health by having sex with other women because condoms don't prevent everything, he said the problem was that we had different levels of risk tolerance. While I insisted on having the kids in car seats all the time and having a will, he views the world as generally a safe and loving place and there's no need to worry about things!! It's no different than the risk of being on a plane and someone sneezing! He keeps insisting that he has always loved me and it would have been fine if I hadn't found out. He wants to stay married, and gets angry if I bring up all of his infidelities. He also admits to still having strong feelings for the most recent OW, in spite of the terrible things she has done to both of us, and asks a mutual friend how she is doing on occasion. He says they are no longer involved, and since she is dating others, there is no worry about the 2 of them getting together. I remind him that it didn't stop him when they were both married!! How can I convince myself that, in spite of his confidence and insistence that I am overreacting, I am actually doing the right thing? It is taking all of my self-control not to allow him back. Especially because there's so much work to do around the house! Why on earth am I doubting my decision?

BW 50
WS 50
DD -- which time?
Married 23 yrs, 2 kids 19 and 22
Reconciling maybe?-- Nope, false alarm. He continued to lie, I asked him to leave. Plan on divorce.

Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, October 14th (Monday)

He wants to stay married, and gets angry if I bring up all of his infidelities.

Yep, rugsweeping and a desire to cake eat. Part of the cheater's bag of tricks. I could still be 'happily' married if I never mentioned any of his affairs and allowed him to continue on about his cheating business. I ruined everything, don't cha know! That left me with a choice. Accept an open marriage and never question it, or kick his ass to the curb because I am worth more than that. I chose to end it even though I was constantly second guessing my decision in the beginning. However I knew emphatically what I did NOT want.

You are doing the right thing if you have reached your limit. He has shown you that he has no remorse and has no intention of changing his behavior. Hang tough!

BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs, started 1994? - never stopped
Kids - 22, 20, 17
M Dissolved 2013!!!

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man, ~ Shakespeare

Posts: 824 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

he said the problem was that we had different levels of risk tolerance

Well that would have been just dandy if his health was the only one at risk. What an ass!

Me: BS
Him: FWS
3 kids

DD#1: 3/18/2003
DD#2: 9/28/2010 with a follow up on 1/28/2011 where he decided to come clean about the EA actually being a PA.

The OW could have been anybody and both turned out to be nobody special.

Posts: 3772 | Registered: Sep 2005
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

You're doubting your decision because he is very good at justifying his actions, and making it all sound happy and harmless. If you're ever in doubt about whether you're making the right decision, come on here and ask us.

This arsehole is saying that everybody's life would be better if you would just let him walk all over you. You are allowed to disagree.

Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 10 and 13
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous

Posts: 1344 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

You live in my State? I will come help him pack! Marriage is 2 people not 3 or 4?
He needs to grow up!

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3130 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

he said the problem was that we had different levels of risk tolerance.
EXACTLY! This, among other things, is what's causing your doubts. Can you fathom risking the health/life of somebody you love UNBEKNOWNST to that person? It is not only a matter of differing risk tolerances but also differing moral codes. So, you must ask yourself, if you can reconcile your emotions and values with those differing risk tolerances and moral codes AS WELL AS THIS:
He keeps insisting that he has always loved me and it would have been fine if I hadn't found out.
Would you think it would be fine to keep it from him if you committed the ultimate betrayal against him? Would you commit the ultimate betrayal against him? If you've answered "no" to one or ANY of these questions, you should NOT doubt your decision.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 6