Right where I was months ago.
Still hoping that my BW will somehow consider R, and when I have get a clear realization that she will not, and that our S will lead to divorce, the swirl of emotions get hard to handle.
We still have not filed. I told my BW that we would wait until she got a job.
The last few weeks she has been having a hard time getting a business venture launched with her partner and I have been doing my best to give her support. BW has called me in a bad state, saying things like she can't go on, is depressed, having suicidal thoughts.
Those emotional conversations have brought me back to square one. Feeling guilty all over again, feeling like I am responsible for her happiness, feeling like I can make a difference in her life.
I asked her point blank last week if she ever thought things could be different, if she even would be open to getting back together, and after she thought for a minute, she said maybe if she could be brainwashed to forgetting everything, but baring that, no. So there is my answer. She wants to move on, and I want to find a way to move on, but I just cannot.
I just can't figure out a way to move on. How to grieve the loss of this relationship. The loss of my family.
The depression now is overwhelming at times (most of the time). A few weeks ago i felt like i was making progress, and then the calls from BW started about her struggles, and I feel like I have lost so much ground. I hate the idea of NC, I feel like NC will cut off all chances of R (even if logically I know that R is not going to happen). I also feel like I owe her all the support I can give her, even if it hurts me. I think that the fear of real NC is keeping me so stuck.
Is this me just thinking about me? My BW still says I am all about myself. I cringe when she says that, and I want to examine that, I know I can be selfish sometimes, but when do I put my healing in the whole mess. I want her to be happy and successful, BW does not believe me when I say that.
I just don;t know what to do.