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Reconciliation
User Topic: False Acceptance.
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Ugh. How do you know when you have REALLY moved on to acceptance and it's not just acceptance mocking you for a few days until devastation and anger returns yet again?

I really thought I was doing better, but I'm not. Again.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
dana1234
New Member
Member # 40952
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

I feel the same way! 8 months out and some days I'm like I can do this and other days it's like oh hell no! I deserve better:(

I just want some peace with this horrifying ordeal!! Will we ever truly be at peace with it??


Me40 BS
Him 43 WH
Married 16 years, together 24 high school sweethearts
3 Beautiful Children 12,8,8

Posts: 33 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Jersey
SorrowBhindSmile
Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

I think true acceptance takes a great deal of time. I hate to say years...but.........
its different for everyone.

your DDay is still too new and fresh. I'm almost 10 months out and still struggle sometimes.

I can very much relate to your feelings. I really thought i was doing well...and for about a week the anger has really snuck up on me. It comes and goes, but it is much easier to get thru as time passes.

Be gentle with yourself and dont rush things. Allow yourself the time to grieve, process and wrap your head around everything. you will go thru these feelings a lot in the months following DDay. its normal. But it does get better. Keep the focus on you, getting strong and addressing your needs.

hugs to you!


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

oldcow: take acceptance off the table... you're still in your 1st year. I'm 1.5 years out and not worrying about it. Just trying to enjoy the good times, when they come...

I know we want this to be over fast but there is no way that can happen.
hugs!!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4899 | Registered: Dec 2010
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

I just want some peace with this horrifying ordeal!! Will we ever truly be at peace with it??

Yes! Me freaking too!! I'd take the peace however I can get it too, if it means leaving, fine, staying fine, but neither of those options will give me peace. I want off of this effing rollercoaster but the exit is 2-5 years away.

I've read over and over the reality of the healing timeline, I don't like it, but I get it. It's just that my brain tricks me during a few good days and I'm all, I got this, we are stronger than this, *I* am stronger than this, he's being honest now, I love this man....then the rug gets pulled out again and I'm all eff him, I can't possibly EVER forgive, he's the devil, I will never get over this, not ever never ever never. I'm so tired of it.

I suppose my attitude should be to just enjoy the good days when they come but know *and anticipate* that they will end sooner than later.

This sucks, have I mentioned that yet?


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

OldCow18
Wow, you are speaking for me. I feel exactly the same way. I don't honestly know what DDay is....is it the day you found out about the affair, the affairs, the prostitute, when the truth FINALLY came out (I think its the total truth now, but who knows). This past week has been really hard. I keep ruminating about it and can't get a grip on myself. I hate him, I love him. I want a D, I want to continue to try to R..........
Why did this happen to me? Why did he do this to us?
And on and on and on and on and on...............................................................................................

Posts: 1144 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

I know exactly what you mean. I think the problem is that everytime they screw up it resets the time back and you have to start all over again. You just had a breaking of NC and TT a month ago, so basically you have just started over again in a sense. We can only get to true acceptance when they quit doing A related shit and accept what they have done to us and the marriage as a whole. I have informed my WH#2 that everytime he does certain things (like sneak and watch porn for example) it causes my trust meter to go back to 0, affects my self-esteem, and causes me to think about what he did and if I really want to continue to try and R with him or just detach myself and give up on the marriage completely. It is a hard call to make when you love the person you married. Hang in there and (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

How do you know when you have REALLY moved on to acceptance

As with all big life things, you will KNOW when you are there imo. For me there was a noticeable shift in my mind that caused my heart to feel different, pieces of anxiety and stress were gone in certain areas. That shift also extended into other areas of my life, what we work on to be healed from this ripples out into our whole life and you will see those ripples touch other relationships and areas and know they are now a part of who you are imo.

IMO, there really is no BIG A acceptance. By that I mean there is no final, once and for all acceptance that puts it all behind us and we walk fresh again into this glorious future ahead of us. Acceptance is plural, not singular imo.

IMO, acceptance is taken one piece at a time, and many times that acceptance opens up other "issues" or questions that have to be dealt with.

I have come to accept many things over the last 6 years, and cumulatively one might say I have reached the singular BIG A acceptance, but I know deep down that no, there are still more things to work on, and I realize those things will expose other things and on and on.

Each piece of acceptance is healing though, and it does cause a shift in my mind and heart and it adds strength which takes away the daunting factor and never ending feeling factor and the constant fatigue.

I just want some peace with this horrifying ordeal!! Will we ever truly be at peace with it??

We have all BTDT, I have learned that there can be peace with or without acceptance. Peace is made from within irregardless of what we are dealing with. It is a gift we give ourselves imo.

Take a break when you need one, seriously. How can you build an oasis of peace for yourself? If you enjoy reading, take a break from the infidelity/marriage reading right now and read something you can get lost in. Take a class to learn something you have always wanted just for you to enrich yourself, cooking, floral arranging, welding?? Volunteer at a charity that touches your heart, animal rescue, helping children learn to read, soup kitchens. Meditation or a new spiritual discipline? A hobby, trains, crochet, motorcycles, needlepoint, public speaking? Build a new body, zumba, marathon, yoga? Part of it is the thing you do to create the oasis and part of it is your mindset in creating, in nourishing yourself, in caring for yourself.

I do know though that it is really hard at first to do this, it is awkward, it seems counter productive, and the first few times probably will not have the desired effect of peace and a break from this heartache, but I know from experience that eventually it does work.

Peace is possible irregardless of the storm we walk through, but we must return to the storm at times as well to keep on keeping on to get to the other side.


Grace



We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3435 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
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