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Reconciliation
User Topic: more lies ; (
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Just as I was starting to believe him and trust him again I catch him in a blatant lie, does he hold his hands up and confess the truth and apologise - no, he gas lights, twists things then lies some more

What he did was not even that bad to my eyes, it's the lies.

After A I asked him to knock off watching porn. He has done this most nights for years and I was kind of used to it. Knew he did it but as I was off sex didn't blame him as long as I didn't catch him. But after he slept with someone else I told him I couldn't bear to think of him watching other women have sex.

Last night we were on his laptop together and a sidebar popped up with mature dating on it. I said to him that would only be there if you had been on porn or dating site. He swore he hadn't and it was random. He twisted it round saying he had never been on anything since he slept with her.

Today I pull him up over it again and he admits he 'might' have clicked on porn a couple of time out of habit but not actually watched it had switched it right off.

Whatever.

His defence is he can't remember. My argument I couldn't care less. You knew when it popped up it was cos you had been on something and all I can get out of him is he doesn't remember. He clearly does. He keeps picking on my wording, he didn't 'look' at porn only went on porn sites etc.

I am sick of it and refuse to be gas lighted or twisted around anymore. Have told him that's it I am done.

I said at the very beginning it was the lies that were the worst. I would forgive lapses in porn use but NOT more lies!

He has just told me he didn't mean to lie, er hello that's another lie. You had a choice tell the truth or lie, you chose lie so you meant to do it.

HAve told him to stay well away from me til I sort out what I want to do!

Fuming!!!!

eta - he just called full of apologies and admitted he was in the wrong - landed on stony ground i'm afraid

[This message edited by olwen at 9:21 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]


Together 18yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = final confession of sex 16th june 2013

Posts: 578 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

I understand completely, and I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. Same thing happened to me two weeks ago. He got caught in a lie, and tried to wiggle out instead of just admitting. I got frustrated and said one more lie, we are done. Two days later got caught in more lies. Now doing a month of NC. The lies are so frustrating.

Just wanted to say I understand, and hope you feel better.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1035 | Registered: Jul 2013
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

This is what is driving us apart right now. I actually have forgiven him the ONS. I rarely to never trigger over that any more.

It''s the lies about watching porn that are killing us. I mean, I really do understand that under great stress you can find yourself doing old behaviors almost out of habit, but there is a point that you have to make the actual decision to act on those old behaviors. And if you do, then the SMART thing to do is to go to your BS and say, hey, I need to tell you that I f-ed up by doing X&Y let me show you. I''d be upset, but we could work through that.

You don''t hide the behavior, then figure that since you''ve already screwed up you might as well screw up again, and then act all shocked and dismayed when your BS catches you in a lie and flips out. In his case, I booted him out of the bedroom and he''s sleeping on a futon in the office. He tells me that his greatest fear is being abandoned, and then he sets up the situation where for my mental health, I have to abandon him. How f-ed up is that!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

He tells me that his greatest fear is being abandoned, and then he sets up the situation where for my mental health, I have to abandon him. How f-ed up is that!

Yeah, exactly this. My wBF says one reason he cheated was fear of being alone. But then all his lies forced me to make him be alone for my own sanity. It's so messed up.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1035 | Registered: Jul 2013
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Thanks all, sorry you're dealing with this too.

H was really sorry last night. He says he got defensive cos he actually hasn't looked or been near any porn for months. he did click on some before I asked him not to use it anymore, then shut it down, when the screen popped up he didn't want to look anymore.

Thing is it's hard to believe someone you know has lied to you


Together 18yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = final confession of sex 16th june 2013

Posts: 578 | Registered: Jul 2013
FeelingMN
Member
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Thing is it's hard to believe someone you know has lied to you

This is absolutely the hardest thing that I struggle with. Unless I know for certain someone is being genuine I have a hard time. I was a skeptic before the A, now I just don't trust. My BS detector is always on.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 244 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
putonahappyface
Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Porn, & the lies related to preserving this secret addiction, almost brought down our marriage. A random post here on SI where someone made discoveries in the website data (in the settings) section of their H's iPhone led me to check my SAWH's phone. Finally...the secrets & lies were revealed, & so many things finally made sense.

I'm not saying all porn users are addicted, as I know I would get flamed on here, but sadly this is becoming almost epidemic in our society. My H had attempted for years to stop, but it had become his go-to for stress & boredom. I would encourage you to have a calm, honest conversation with your H about his usage, if it's a coping mechanism, etc. If he feels like it is controlling him, he will not be able to quit without help. If he answers "yes" to some of your tough questions, or you find usage on his phone or history, help can be found at sexhelp.org.

My H has worked his recovery very hard, & has been sexually sober since Nov 15th of last year. He is not the same man he was this time last year, thank goodness! Best of luck to you all. Hugs & prayers. Feel free to pm me if you have any questions.


BS (me) - 50; SAWH- 51 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 21&17
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: discovered porn addiction
4 years out: M is strong; FWH is a new man :)


Posts: 719 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

The lies are the killer, before and after DDay. Even if the tell the truth after DDay and do not TT, they all lied before DDay. It was a way of life. It is the deception that has killed my trust forever.

I know the thread is not directly about porn, but since that is what the lies were about, I have a thought. It struck me yesterday that porn has many arms that crush a real relationship. We all agree that it sets up unrealistic expectations due to the actresses bodies, sexual acting, etc. For men watching it the think they are missing something when they have "normal sex". But here is something I have never thought of before. What about the mental crap they set up in their psyche about their own performance. Are they creating psychological avoidance due to their own embedded idea that they themselves are sub par to the male porn stars? Are they dooming themselves to sex for one with a computer because they have self issues due to porn rather than preferring the hot women?


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1398 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, y'all.
putonahappyface
Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

Lovedyou, that is a good question, & one I hadn't thought of. The effects of long-term porn viewing are astounding. Go to yourbrainonporn.com & do some reading. It's no wonder more & more young men are becoming addicted!

Anyone reading this who has a spouse routinely watching porn, lying about it, compulsively masturbating, etc, please get them to a therapist now. It only gets worse, & the sexual dysfunction will erode intimacy and your marriage. Sorry to sound so dramatic, but the "all guys do it" mentality is ruining marriages all around us. Do the research!


BS (me) - 50; SAWH- 51 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 21&17
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: discovered porn addiction
4 years out: M is strong; FWH is a new man :)


Posts: 719 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
TheTooGoodWife
Member
Member # 35973
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

WH is a recovering porn addict. Besides the fact that we were both sexually abused as children and were already sexually dysfunctional his porn addiction just added another layer of dysfuntion to what was already there. I have very strong feelings about porn and he knew how I felt. Early in our relationship just after we had become engaged and he had moved in with me I came home from choir practice and sat on the bed to take off my heels and sat on a VHS cassette hidden under the throw. I took it out and it was porn, I lost it, I threw his ring back at him and cried for 3 days I was so devastated and you know what?? He still carried on watching it behind my back and eventually I just gave up and gave in and our sexual relationship just went downhill from there. I never denied him sex just disconnected from it while he demanded more and more. It is the lies though that do me in.


Me-BW-46
WH-43
M-13 yrs together 15 yrs, 2 DS 11 & 8
D-Day 20 May '12 WH confessed, PA 4 months 06/2008-10/2008 cOW
His A says nothing about me but everything about him

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 10