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User Topic: Need Honest Opinion
fireproof
Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

I don't have experience with this topic- my close friends from highschool and college were not from divorced families.

If a parent lives far away from a child is it up to the parent to find a way to live closer to the other parent at the sacrifice of support and career? Or if you have the primary custody raising your child for the most part as a single parent?

What is the proper thing to do and best for the child?

I have seen children thrive with one parent and be happy and successful but the other parent died- no choice in the matter. Divorce not just my divorce still baffles me in general. Thank you.

[This message edited by fireproof at 7:35 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1005 | Registered: Jul 2012
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Some parents are selfish and put their own needs before the needs of the children regardless of whether there is a D involved or not. But once you are D, the selfishness of the parent often becomes more apparent.

Assuming that the parent with primary custody did not move away then I do believe that it is the responsibility of the non-primary parent to stay involved in the child's life. Sometimes you have to move for a job, especially in this economy, but there are still plenty of ways to stay involved including phone calls, skype, and frequent visitation. But you really cannot expect that from a selfish parent. And note that sometimes primary custody parent is selfish and attempts to use the children against the other parent. I have seen both cases.

My X is a selfish parent. He moved to another state after dday 8 years ago and became less and less involved in DD's life. We have not seen or talked to him in about 3 years, but he does occasionally send email. What would have been best for DD would have been for him to a) not quit his job here and move; b) even if he did move, stay involved in her life and take visitation and attend some of her events; c) not be cruel to her and say damaging things to her when she was not excited to see him because he had been absent. As it stands he might as well be dead because he has no impact on DD's life at all and I doubt that she will ever invite him into her life in the future. He completely lost her. The impact to me is that I have been the only parent in her life for more than half of her life and I have had to make my own sacrifices to my career. But I see being a parent as my number 1 job at least until DD is in college and perhaps even beyond that.

[This message edited by Dreamboat at 7:45 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17679 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

I'm a single mom. My 14 month old daughter's sperm donor hasn't seen her "willingly" since she was 4 months old. He saw her briefly when I went through Social Services when she was 9 months old and applied for Child Support... of which he only has to pay $65 a month because he is "supposedly" unemployed (but works under the table instead!) When he tried to hold her then....she cried ....because he was a stranger to her. It was kinda sad actually but validating for me. She will ALWAYS be a momma's girl! Always....

And, yet... he has enough money for a 60 inch flat screen TV, new PS3, a Miata convertible, a new apartment, and tons and tons of bodybuilding supplements and shakes to gain weight. So, you see where his priorities are.

I, on the other hand, wear clothes to my full-time job as a senior accountant that I've owned for 10 years. Sell my jewelry on Ebay so I can afford to buy groceries for both of us and diapers, and eat sandwiches for lunch everyday because its the cheapest way to go and leftovers for dinner.

You do what you have to do to make it and your children will grow up KNOWING who was there for them and who loved them and who was NOT.

Just be the best parent that you know how...and you cant go wrong!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:13 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

The thing that I have observed about kids is you do whatever you have to do to survive--move for a job, work long hours, not be available all the time for activities--whatever it takes, and if you act like it's normal, your kids don't know anything different and they adjust. When DS was younger and I had to work long hours, I never apologized for it--it is what it is. He survived and thrived. He's an independent, loving adult.

My motto with kids? Never let them see you sweat.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20273 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

My ex works three weeks out of the month out of province. It is his choice and his responsibilty to see his child.

He made the choice of money over child. Now I understand that there aren't too many jobs here he can work that will pay the same about as his current job. But at the same time, he could spend more time with him if he wanted to.

That being said I have an amazing child who adapted completely and is leading a very full and productive life. Good friends, good grades, good in sports. What more can a mother ask.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
fireproof
Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Thank you!

I need to relax. I just don't know anyone close from a divorce home. I know other kids from single parents but due to death.

I really have no clue what is right - if there is such a thing.

As always thank you. I need to work on my confidence.


Posts: 1005 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 6