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User Topic: Captain's Log Day 6
maddmurph
Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Seas are still rocky. First mate is complaining that she can take care of the kids contrary to the captain's opinion. Cabin boy was sick last night and the captain cared for him.

And enough of that metaphor because I no idea where it goes from there. So last night we went out with friends and had a nice time. Meanwhile our son and daughter were at home with a sitter. My son had been complaining about his stomach but he tends to be over dramatic. She had a meeting for work after dinner, I went home to take care of the kids. Get my daughter to bed, then check on my son. He says he is going to throw up. Luckily we had a bucket in his room cause he needed it. I got him cleaned up and then laid down in his bed with him. We watched The Avengers cartoon on my Kindle til she got home. She of course had to come in a lay with us.

Roll forward to this morning. She has been on the couch and didn't get up with the dogs or him when he came out. No big deal I played with the dogs and changed his sheets. He had an accident (poor guy). I bring him upstairs with me to see if he will sleep a little more. He doesn't, we come back down.

I tell him to get in the shower to clean off. She gets up to find out what is going on and I said he had an accident (maybe I was short with her or maybe she just heard that). She goes off WELL I DIDN'T KNOW. I said that's why I'm telling you. I go to feed the cats and dogs and she storms over "I am capable of doing this and I am capable of taking care of our children." I just said "ok" and got coffee.

I know she is capable, the issue is she shirked her duties when she had her affair. Now I'm living life and seeing how I feel about her not being there if it comes to that.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Don't be too quick, Captain, to give her the red shirt. She is obviously not Scotty and "giving it all she's got". Try to maintain the ship and crew as best you can.

Focus on being a dad and try to make the conversations with her just about the facts. Try to remove negative tones in such communications.

For this may be a 5 year mission where you and your w might have to boldly go where no one has gone before.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52324 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
maddmurph
Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Don't be too quick, Captain, to give her the red shirt.

Yeah not quite red shirt time, but definitely on the way to a prolonged season finale cliff hanger.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Aw.. I'm sorry your little guy isn't feeling well. I hope feels better soon.

My husband and I have spats like that all the time. He'll keep something important from me and I tell him that he has to communicate things about the kids with me as "I am still their mother" and then I get the "I'll work on it" blow off response. It sucks. I know how you feel. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but sadly I don't.

Sending you strength to get through this and (((HUGS))) to your little guy. I have to kids, I know how hard it is to see them sick like that.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
maddmurph
Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Aw.. I'm sorry your little guy isn't feeling well. I hope feels better soon.

He seems to be fully recovered today.

She went to work this morning and came back at lunch like she always does. Seems to be better. I'm still in the 180 so I'm not engaging or being drawn into arguments. I did thank her for dinner last because I had forgotten.

Seems that when I don't hang around downstairs in the living after the kids go to be, she gets annoyed the next morning.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
integritymatters
Member
Member # 23681
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

I'm still in the 180 so I'm not engaging or being drawn into arguments. I did thank her for dinner last because I had forgotten.

I think you are getting the 180. It's not about shunning, being ignorant, inconsiderate or rude. The 180 ISN'T about the WS, it's about the BS. It's about BS changing focus to themselves without loosing or compromising their core being. WS no matter what, is a human being and is entitled to the same consideration/respect that you would give any human.

Seems that when I don't hang around downstairs in the living after the kids go to be, she gets annoyed the next morning.
You are interupting patterns... The 180 in a lot of ways is about pattern interuption. When you begin to act outside the "known" patterns you are interupting them. Interupting patterns can and will have effects on WS. You can't control or dictate the outcome by interupting patterns but by interupting them you do CHANGE the outcome.

Action + Reaction = Outcome

This is a basic formula. When you change either your reaction or your action you do change the outcome. Change in you WILL effect change in the relationship. It could be reconcilliation... It could be D. You are not in control of WS and as such you are not in control of the outcome. You are however in control of you and although you cannot determine or predict OUTCOME you can determine or predict CHANGE by changing YOUR patterns.

Here is a VERY good example of pattern interuption and its effects http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ln3RWKyUouQ


I dropped my toast this morning and it landed butter side up! It's going to be a good day. :)

Posts: 1482 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Canada
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

SAWH would never get up with either kid when they were sick...the kids always come to me, so I am impressed that you can fly solo on this situation! He does like telling me what to do, what doctors kid need to go to, etc. He is a hypochondriac himself so most of the time I just let it go in one ear and out the other.

Anyway, hang in there...I'm 7 months out and it really does get a lot easier. Not sure what to attribute that to. Probably a combination of time, BS's acceptance (doesn't mean you LIKE it) of the cards you are dealt and WS's beginning to get out of fog and start assessing the path of destruction.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 897 | Registered: Jun 2013
maddmurph
Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

You are interrupting patterns... The 180 in a lot of ways is about pattern interruption. When you begin to act outside the "known" patterns you are interrupting them. Interrupting patterns can and will have effects on WS. You can't control or dictate the outcome by interrupting patterns but by interrupting them you do CHANGE the outcome.

That's what I needed to hear, so I can understand it more. I just need to find other ways to break the pattern. That's my big issue is that there is not a lot of ways that I can break the mold. I work from home, I have two kids. There is not a lot of room for change.

SAWH would never get up with either kid when they were sick...the kids always come to me, so I am impressed that you can fly solo on this situation!

I have them by myself quite often. I work from home, she doesn't. I won't give up time with the kids, but she will. I'm not afraid to be with them, I have a lot of fun with them. Especially now that I am free to have fun.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

I'm glad he's feeling better

Why does she get upset if you don't hang in the living room? She's the one that cheated. She should expect that you won't want to be all smiles and cuddles right now.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 8:39 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Topic Posts: 9