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User Topic: Thankful for bad events
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

If he had never told me ILYBINILWY and about his EA (most likely another PA he denies) I would have continued my life, struggling, busting my butt to take care of someone who could care less.

If he had never persisted in his delusions I might have easily fallen back into old habits.

Being faced with a major life altering event made me feel scared, depressed, insecure, and crazy.

FACING those things taught me strength, perseverance, persistence, self-respect, balance between caring for myself and others, self-confidence.

I've gone from "What am I without him?" to "Look at what *I* am (without having to look around at who else there is)".

I've addressed some major health issues, I've stopped smoking (10/4, nicotine free since 10/14), I've taken the time and money to get my hair done (first time in 10+ years), I do things for ME and when my son thinks I have gone bonkers I tell him WHY (he gets to see a way to live he has yet to see), and I have followed a dream I gave up on when I went from h.s. to college and everyone pooh-pooed my dream of being a college librarian.

I've gone back to get my MLIS, am getting all A's, and just found out I was selected for a MAJOR paid internship in my field that is very hard to get.

And no where in there does HE figure into anything as he used to - will he want to move there? will he be ok with me working there? am I taking too much time away from him?....

I just thought I would share because this time last year I didn't know I was headed deeper into a pit of despair, I thought DDay would be the worst. It took a year of hell before I decided to climb out.

I hope someone else reads this and starts taking the baby steps to climb out.

Mine was taking back my bedroom, my sleep, my schedule. Then it was taking back my health with making time to walk and eat properly. Then it was buying clothes that fit. Then it was hey, I wonder if I could get back into school.....

Also in there I had help, and lots of it, I didn't have to tell the whole world why I was having marriage problems, I just had to let the people who loved me most know that I was having a hard time, when I felt pushed to my limits I got professional help, when I couldn't wrap my brain around WH's actions & choices I found SI.

Anytime I got sidetracked or worried, something happened that reminded me to refocus my energy on where it matters most. And when I consistently do that, when I give up worrying about another person I can't control, another situation I can't control...well, awesome things happen (fall camping trips, feeling healthiest in 10 years, doors opening where I would have never looked before).

I don't know anymore where WE are going. I never know from one day to the next if there will be a WE. But as I have grown stronger, so has my son. As I have grown wiser, so has my son. And now, nothing is too scary. It doesn't matter what tomorrow holds. I now know I can deal with it.

I might want to talk to someone about it. I might want to rant here on SI about it. I might want to escape into the woods and aloneness for a few days.

But *I* am good. I choose to never let anyone ever again be able to take that away from me.

Incredibly sad I didn't learn this until 40+?


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

What an inspiring post, Jennifer. Not only for us here at SI but especially for your DS. You are pretty amazing. It is very odd the things we can wind up being "thankful" for.

Congratulations on the internship. You deserve good things.

Incredibly sad I didn't learn this until 40+?
Some never learn, that is what is sad to me. You did! (((Jennifer)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9492 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

You go girl!!!!

You are strong, independent, and wonderful.

Congrats!!!!

These inspiring posts are what newbies need to read, they need to know that even though it feels like the end of the world, for many of us it's a new beginning.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8077 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

What and awesome and truly inspiring post, thank you! And nicely done


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
TheClimb
Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Good for you Jennifer, you turned something dark and painful into so many different positives. Not to mention, what you have taught your son through your example.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 455 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
movingforward777
Member
Member # 6850
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Awesome post!! Sometimes it takes what we think is the "worst thing in the world" to open our eyes to the strengths we really do have!
What a great example you are setting for your son...he will benefit from seeing what a strong, hard working Mum can achieve and learn some valuable lessons.
Congratulations on the internship....sounds like all the ducks are coming into a row for you...go for it...YOU can do it!!!!
HUGS


You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk.......Louise Smith

Posts: 4838 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Ontario
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

That's great--good for you!!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

[/URL]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3443 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
HeartStings
Member
Member # 38017
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Wow! What an excellent post. You go, girl!

Posts: 114 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New England
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

It is something to be proud of when you can create the silver lining in the clouds of life. Congratulations for the growth and the accomplishments you have achieved while on this new journey.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51809 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
brokendancer7
Member
Member # 39911
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

You are an inspiration! Congratulations, especially, for stopping smoking. That is really hard, but worthwhile. (Been there, too)


Me: BS - 58
Him: WS - 56
Married 34 yrs

Latest DD - April 2013, PA


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jul 2013
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Thanks all. Hopefully next I can find time to lose 50 lbs. and get OFF my little bit of prozac. That may be expecting a lot as I feel WAY less crazy monthly ON it LOL

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
chinup
New Member
Member # 40319
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

I really appreciate your post. I hope that I can even be strong enough to break away if my wh persists on the path he currently is on. It's really hard to fathom that I can muster enough to get it done but your post brings me hope. Thank you for sharing and I wish you the best. Libraries are awesome!

Posts: 24 | Registered: Aug 2013
movingforward777
Member
Member # 6850
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Thanks all. Hopefully next I can find time to lose 50 lbs. and get OFF my little bit of prozac
.

Just remember you didn't gain it all at once...give yourself a reasonable amount of time to lose it a few pounds at a time....
Healthy eating, a little exercise, lots of water, and it will come off....(yea I know, we all "know" how to do it, it's getting it done)
You are doing amazing things the way you are....always remember that...HUGS


You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk.......Louise Smith

Posts: 4838 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Ontario
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Oh how I relate to this post. I am such a strong person now and I am so thankful for that.

I don't know anymore where WE are going. I never know from one day to the next if there will be a WE. But as I have grown stronger, so has my son. As I have grown wiser, so has my son. And now, nothing is too scary. It doesn't matter what tomorrow holds. I now know I can deal with it.

It is this^^^ that I feel today and I too now know that I can deal with just about anything.

Wonderful Post!!!


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

I'm really happy to read your post, J99.

BTW, libraries mean pleasure to me, and I know books aren't really accessible without librarians.

[This message edited by sisoon at 6:37 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9918 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Wow, I really needed to read this right now. I left just today. I am also thankful for my stbx's infidelity because it opened my eyes to just how extremely unhealthy our marriage was. I hope I too will have an inspiring story to tell very soon.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Thanks all. Hopefully next I can find time to lose 50 lbs. and get OFF my little bit of prozac
.
Just remember you didn't gain it all at once...give yourself a reasonable amount of time to lose it a few pounds at a time....
Healthy eating, a little exercise, lots of water, and it will come off....(yea I know, we all "know" how to do it, it's getting it done)
You are doing amazing things the way you are....always remember that...HUGS

Oh I know it. I quit drinking pop 2 years ago. I've been on 70+oz of water per day since. I've always skipped breakfast (sick in a.m.), eaten healthy for lunch, then total blown it at dinner. I walk every day.

I am hoping that by quitting smoking I can go from walking to running. I am hoping that my sick every morning goes away and I can eat a good breakfast and maybe keep some protein shakes on hand for days we have yucky "kid food" LOL

It took 10 years to put the 50 on. I don't care if it takes 10 to take it back off. I just want to FEEL good.

I lost 20 in the 3 months after DDay. Then I went back to school and froze right there.

And yeah, just imagine - doing this well and I'm old, unhealthy, sick, and decrepit - pretty soon I should be doing MUCH better.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
iwillNOT
Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Thank you for this! You inspire me to keep trying to take care of ME!


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 486 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 19