SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Giver or Taker???
IGaveItMyAll
Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Which one are you? I definitely am a Giver/Fixer... Working on it but realized this the other day. I wonder how many BS are givers and WS are takers.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Giver


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
struggling16
Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

I was definitely the "giver" in the M. Since Dday, not so much.

He has always been a "taker" and always will be. I just don't enable it anymore.


Posts: 724 | Registered: Aug 2011
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Me: Giver

WH: I never looked at him as a taker but without question he was not a giver, he was to selfish and cheap.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2124 | Registered: Nov 2011
neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

We are both givers.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 341 | Registered: Sep 2013
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

There are some short Briggs-Myers tests free on line. Interesting to find your personality type, especially layered with your spouse.

I am definitely a giver. But, I gave and gave until now I feel used up.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1532 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
IGaveItMyAll
Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

I am definitely a giver. But, I gave and gave until now I feel used up

I feel you on this. But my question is... do you start giving only what you get in return? With infidelity what my WW gives I often discredit it depending on my emotional state and I end up feeling like she can't ever give me enough to feel whole again. So do you stop giving or is that counter intuitive?


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

I've always seen myself as a taker.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10434 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

I would say that we're both givers, but the words "giver" and "infidelity" don't really go well together. We both put affection into the relationship, but I think I'm more giving when it comes to resolving problems. And he was definitely a taker when he was having sex with me and another woman in the same time frame.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1226 | Registered: Jul 2013
iwillNOT
Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

I am a giver who is all " given out.".


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
RedRose
Member
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

I'm a giver, WS is a taker, though he is trying harder now post-A to give more.


BW-35
WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jun 2013
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Giver. H was very much a taker and is now becoming quite good at giving!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1772 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Igaveitmyall....

I do not keep score on my giving, but I am exhausted from the being the giver in this marriage for the last 3 years. My H has taken enough from me in those 3 years that I am emotionally bankrupt. I am trying to learn to give to myself for a while.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1532 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
LoveActually
Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

We were both very much takers before the affair--now I would consider us both very much givers. That's one of the positive things that I have been able to find that did come out of all the affair crap.


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 784 | Registered: Jan 2011
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

We are both givers...but we both kept parts of each other hidden too. Our FOO issues play into this as well....she avoiding conflict and "giving in" to my desires and moods....my abandonment issues "giving too eagerly" to try and avoid any chance she would have to refrain from asking for something for fear she would never ask (ie. I am unnecssary and have no value). Better stated...I gave quickly so she never had to be a "taker".

I have a strong "fixer" drive in me....

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:50 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Lostinthismess
Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

Giver, and I find it hard to receive. It's hard for me to receive any attention without feeling uncomfortable. Which makes his post A attention nauseating at times.


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 331 | Registered: May 2013
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

I'm definitely a giver by nature. I have co-dependency issues.

With infidelity what my WW gives I often discredit it depending on my emotional state and I end up feeling like she can't ever give me enough to feel whole again.

We had a discussion about ^^this with our MC a couple of weeks ago. What she said was very interesting, I don't know how "do-able" but interesting none-the-less. She said that I have an "internalised image" of my husband, the "insert his name here" he is, based on all my experiences of him and nowdays based especially on his infidelity. Every thing he says or does, I view in light of that internalised image I have of him. She said that it would help R a LOT if I would scrap that internalised image and start an entirely new image, based on who he is NOW.

I totally get what she is saying, as I have a tendency to have dialogue in my head that goes something like this: "Oh nice, the lying cheating shit brought me flowers".... Obviously not at all helpful to R!!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Oct 2012
TheTooGoodWife
Member
Member # 35973
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

I definitely am a Giver/Fixer...

^^^Ditto. WH is a Royal Taker. Since d-day it has flipped. In the beginning it was hard for me to take and for him to give but it is getting easier. We are now working on finding the balance between taking and giving.


Me-BW-46
WH-43
M-13 yrs together 15 yrs, 2 DS 11 & 8
D-Day 20 May '12 WH confessed, PA 4 months 06/2008-10/2008 cOW
His A says nothing about me but everything about him

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 18