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User Topic: Did you ever fantasize about others before dday?
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

H and I were talking this morning and he brought up fantasies of other people.

He said that prior to his a he did fantasize about other women. He has told me this before a couple of weeks ago.

He was encouraging me to open up about this regarding my fantasies.

Prior to dday, my fantasies were of h treating me like he did years before. Remembering what it was like, wishing for it to return. I meet a lot of men at work, sure I have thought some were attractive or nice but I never went beyond that in my mind. I just didn't.

Now on occasion, no one specifically, I wonder what it would be like to be married to someone that always was good to me, someone that never abandoned or betrayed me.

H finds this hard to believe.

I just wondered if I am unusual in this.

So, did you fantasize about others before dday?


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1421 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Also, he said he thinks I am holding back about admitting this because he sees it makes me uncomfortable.

The reason I am uncomfortable is that now I know he does this, or did this and then he actually carried his fantasy into reality. I picture him fantasizing about her and well it makes me feel like

It just adds to the pile of crap. The things I now have to live with.

When he watched porn, I didn't like it but at least I could tell myself it wasn't real, now that doesn't work.

Now I find myself wondering who was he thinking about. Does it ever end?


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1421 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

I never fantasized about other men before Dday. Now I do but it is not one particular man I met. Just someone to love me that is honest loyal and loving and that has never cheated or broke my heart. I hate that I dont have what I once did. I wanna go back in time and just stop it from happening. No I dont look at other men and wonder what it would be like to have sex with them That to me is cheating.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
PinkJeepLady
Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Interestingly, I just found an old email to WH from me during the time he was cheating and I didn't know it. I said I just wanted him to know that I never thought about being with another man, just him. In thinking why I wrote that I remembered that he would sometimes suggest I was cheating on him, there was nothing I was doing to even remotely suggest that. He was the one cheating.
I too work around nice men, some attractive, but have never thought of them in a "fantasy" way. I too just wanted the passion back to what we (me and WH) had before infidelity.
I too think about the "what ifs" of marrying someone who would have been loyal to me. I sometimes wonder about old boyfriends, would they have done this? Of course, I would have NEVER predicted WH would do this either.
I don't think you are unusual, unless I am too! I wonder what I would be doing right now if I was married to someone (anyone) who hadn't cheated. That's my fantasy, having complete trust in a marriage....sigh
I hear you about the porn, it is so destructive in so many ways.
Take care and I don't think what you are "fantasizing" about is negative!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

I only struggled with fantasizing about sex with someone once in our 18 years of marriage, and I felt horrible about it. I've only ever wanted my husband. I think the fantasy life is fed by porn - the more you feed that private fantasy life, the more quickly it comes to your mind in your every day life with every day people. I never liked porn - I just find it sad, really. I think it's hard for men to believe, but I don't think women's desires generally work in the same way.

But I would get swept up in romance books and movies - things that fed that a similarly unrealistic desire in me. When I came across a man I liked, that's where my mind went. I didn't want him for sex, but for 'non consummated love'... maybe dream he would pine away after me secretly forever. It was still simply to satisfy a selfish need within me that I wasn't looking to my husband to fulfill.

My husband wanted me to confess to a fantasy life as well - I think it was mostly about his insecurity and really wanting to know he was pleasing me, and at the same time wanting to know that I didn't think he was a pervert.

With the OW, he didn't have to care what she thought. In fact, that's what he liked about being with her. I think he wanted to feel uninhibited like that with me, but he couldn't because he just really didn't want to 'hurt' me. If he knew I had fantasies, he might be able to feel freer.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

What h finds hard to believe is that prior to dday I did not have fantasies about other men. He seems to find it hard to believe that my fantasies were about him.

Even after he left and I wanted to be able to see the possibilities, just couldn't.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1421 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

I fantasized about the same things you did and if I did fantasize, which was rare, it was about a person who was a mix of Brad Pitt and the dude from Arrow and NOT someone I knew. Men drive me nuts! I fantasized about my husband treating me sweet, romantically and not talking to his freaking ex girlfriend all of the time. :(

[This message edited by topperoff22 at 6:09 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Yes, I did because we were both in a very, very troubled marriage. I, too did not act out, but he did. To be honest, I still do.

Wait, are you talking about being with other men sexually or as a companion???


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

I think h was referring to sexual fantasies, prior to his a.

I was referring to any fantasies about other men, sexual or companion, prior to a.

Then post a not fantasies but musings about what it would feel like to be married to someone that always treated me like they loved me. H was not very good to me for several years. Prior to his a I never even really noticed.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1421 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Itstoohard
Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Wow PinkJeepLady! I totally had forgotten his saying . I WAS cheating on him and I even remember saying if you are accusing me that probably means you are. Wish I knew how smart I was then cuz now I look back and think how stupid I was.


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 180 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
IGaveItMyAll
Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

I wonder what it would be like to be married to someone that always was good to me, someone that never abandoned or betrayed me.
Thanks for writing this. I think I just had an Ahha moment. I have been fantasizing about having this for months. I have been putting pressure on my wife to have the passionate life we had when we first got together. Is that all lost?? Is that just a wild fantasy? Is it obtainable???


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

In 2011 I fantasized a lot. Prior to that I fantasized about him doing incredibly caring and random acts of love - ie: "Remember when you were oohing and ahhing over that resort in the Bahamas hon? Well....pack your bags!"

Or even just bringing home flowers. But these things never happened. And apparently they never happened with the AP either- no gifts, no dates, no trips.

Anyway, I digress. Yes. I did fantasize about others when our M was at its worst. I do not fantasize about anyone else anymore (okay, except Pitt).

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:20 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2444 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Dance4Me
Member
Member # 26284
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Great question - and yes, the summer my H was involved with his OW/PA, I became extremely attracted to my son's much younger coach. I did actually wonder what it would be like to have sex with him. These thoughts totally excited me - yet, I didn't understand why I was feeling that way..it had been years since I felt that way about someone other than my H (before marriage!).

Looking back, I realized, with my Hs help, that my H wasn't emotionally there for me (and physically too) during that summer of hell. I just didn't see it as I was living it. This young man was attractive, kind to my son, and truly nice to me in a professional way. I really must have been lonely...thank God I never crossed that line!

[This message edited by Dance4Me at 10:21 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


On Dday -BS-me 41 FWS-him 42
Married 19 years 3 kids (16,13,9)
D-Day 10/2/09- TT til Feb. 2010

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.” -CS Lewis


Posts: 1043 | Registered: Nov 2009
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Wow just had mc/ wh ic

Apparently this is normal for men to fantasise rather than women. Women may rarely but they aren't hard wired that way.

Is it healthy? I don't know. WH though is working hard at it though. Because I don't like it and find it demeaning. However I would say its very personal and my take may not be right for anyone else


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

I wouldn't say I often fantasized, but occasionally I did, it was always a "fantasy person", not anyone specific or real. Robert Pattinson came into it once or twice after Twilight (cougar!)

I spoke about this with WH once and he said that pre- and post- A he never really fantasised at all, he was really surprised that I had.

To be honest, I see fantasising as early wayward thinking. Yes it's harmless fun, but somewhere along the line it shows that the thinking behind it is a bit "off" - that's just my opinion though!

Since D-Day and having read all the books etc I have come to realise that I actually have way more Wayward tendencies than my husband. It is quite surprising to me that HE had the A and not me. I am trying to be brutally honest with myself about this and I'm working hard to correct those faulty thought patterns in me.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1022 | Registered: Oct 2012
WoundedOpus
Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

Our stories (and our H's) appear to be very similar cantaccept. I was way too codependent to ever fantasize anything past the 'what if's/if only's' about my H. And now that I've moved on to a better frame of mind there is no place for or desire for those fantasies or any other.

Thinking back to any other relationships, I don't recall ever fantasizing then either. If there ever was a particular man that I saw acting in a way/treating their SO in a way I liked, the most I would do was fantasize how things would look if my SO were like that. It never gave me warm fuzzies towards that man and make me want him. While it would point out the deficiencies in my SO/relationship, it didn't build up the other man. I'm not sure I'm explaining it clearly...I can just say that I never gave mental energy or emotional space to an outside source, my focus remained with my particular SO at the time and myself. Where my H (and I assume many W's), saw positive attributes in another, stacked that against me, found me lacking; it then built up the OW, and instead of focusing on me and us, he turned his focus to her. We don't talk about it, but I think it's pretty realistic to say he fantasized about her.

You don't get back more than you put in, any time you take your focus and energy away from where it should be, you're working towards building something where it shouldn't be. Not that I think fantasizing once in awhile about movie stars/romance novel characters and such is a big deal, fantasizing about tangible others is possibly the first step down a not too healthy path. If I found myself doing that, it would be a huge red flashing signal telling me to get away from that person and do some serious internal looking around to figure out where and what the problems are that got me there!

To sit back and engage in that sort of thinking to me, is the start of wayward thinking. We're all susceptible to it, it's what we do when/if we find ourselves there that matters. No one becomes a wayward without taking the first step.

For me, if my H was pushing me to admit I do this and to admit it was normal and everyone does this, I would take that as him needing to normalize what to me is wayward thinking, and him doing that, is in and of itself, wayward thinking, justifying the first step, because everybody's doing it.

* edited to fix grammar and spelling *

[This message edited by WoundedOpus at 6:16 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

Looks like I am the first man to post...so here I go.

You know, for as long as I have been married I have made it a point to always have at least one other person join us whenever I am with a female co-worker...lunches, project work, field trips, etc.. I have done this because I do have an active fantasy mind. I did it as a safe guard.

I find many women attractive...always have. From young to mature, short to tall, thin to heavy...just really enjoy the female body in all its forms. Have enjoyed my wifes body from her youth, through 2 pregnancies, to middle age...she is simply beautiful.

I have asked my wife throughout our marriage if she too had active fantasies...she responded like the majority of the posters here....that she had a few sexual fantasies over the years, but more about the relational side....more of a feeling then the physical attraction. (which I see in her choice of AP who is 30 pounds heavier then me and a double chin)

As such she did not have the boundaries I did when it came to the opposite sex....no danger, no need to guard against it. When she met her AP no flags were raised that they were meeting up alone...they were "just friends". Kicker is I would have encouraged her to run with him (she is a runner) pre-A. I did not see the danger, she didnt either.

Our pastor said that it is when we think we are strongest that we are the weakest....we become blind to the dangers. That is very true.


I also was a porn user. My wife would watch with me occasionally too. At that time I knew a little bit about how men and women are wired differently...but arrogantly thought we werent THAT different and that she enjoyed it too. I also thought it was not harming our marriage. I was wrong onn both accounts. Again, I saw no danger in porn so had no guard up.

My wife told me the other day that she believed I could love lots of different women...meaning I find lots of women "attractive". I have thought about that...and I agree, to a point. My wife is special to me, she is not just a woman...I chose her specifically when I asked her to marry me. I have not regretted that decision. But I am pretty confident that if our M does not survive I will find another woman and love again...so I get her point.

The "fantasy difference" in me now...is I have been tempted to loosen my boundaries. Since my DD I have had fantasies that go past the physical realm. I have had those that are tied to relationships....seen attractive women who have stood by faithfully by their husbands who had years of alchoholism...that is now a part of my fantasy world. Its as if my fantasies could actually become reality if I so choose....prior to DD I would absolutely throw a flag on that thought and stop it cold....now I kind of drop it on the field slowly. KWIM?

I am past the RA phase...but it was an unnerving part of my journey.

My D brother told me once when I asked if he missed sex with a woman (not currently dating, abandonment issues, etc.) and being married. He said "Yes, but if I ever get married again it will be to a 65 year old or older woman because that generation did not quit their marriages." I know this is a big generalization...but I get the sense his fantasy life has changed since his D.

Man, if I knew in highschool what I knew now about what drives women to desire another man....I could have saved a lot of money on expensive sneakers and cool cars!

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:52 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3971 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
HeartInADustpan
Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

Interesting topic. I've got two answers. During my M to XWH#1, yes, there was one real, live man who I fantasized about for a lot of reasons everyone is mentioning. A man who was good, kind and loved me forever.

Since I've been with KB, not any real man. Hugh Jackman taking me on a date...yeah...a fantasy.


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

My active fantasy mind is one of the primary drivers for me to have a policy of no PM female SI members. It feels very good to me to have women notice me in an appreciative manner...and please, keep it up, but just do it on the public forums!

Hardwiring....yet another part of this complex journey. Lots to keep track of, isnt there?

Peace to us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3971 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

Absolutely...to be honest I was pretty ripe for an A myself for a couple years before Dday. I would like to think that if an opportunity arose I would have made the right decision but I am grateful I was never placed in that position.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2629 | Registered: Aug 2012
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

I can say that I have thought of other men in the terms of "he is attractive". I've admired an attractive man for that alone. It never crossed my mind what he was like in bed.

I thought my husband did the same, but I have found out since that this is not the case. He has said that he has thought of women naked etc... I have brought this up on these forums before... He says it is a fleeting thought.

I think I was shocked on dday because i was ASSUMING that my WH was just like me. We all know what happens when we assume.

For awhile after, I started to look at other men in this way. Mostly because it never occurred to me before. I have found it kinda exciting. If I told my WH this, I really don't think he would care. He would think it is normal because he says that he thinks it is natural.

I'm not sure how I feel about all this stuff. I have contemplated leaving in the past two years wondering if there is someone who doesn't think like this...but in asking around, it seems those who do not are few are far between.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1541 | Registered: Jun 2012
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

....this hardwiring difference between men and women should encourage SI female members. I am not unique in this regard....there are men all around you that find you attractive, if just for your physical beauty. It is more challenging for men to "show" women that part of them that women fantasize about....the emotional strengths and the actions that show that take more time then a passing glance does.

Interestingly enough....I can see how to show that side of me easier and easier, quicker and quicker..is this me becoming a "playa"? Laugh

I believe my wife's AP is quite skilled at that....he is reportedly into another woman. I guess it plays into motive...that defines if what we do is either being genuine or a player....much like a woman dressing provocatively could be a tease or simply feels good by dressing a certain way.

To be sure, I notice woman who dress conservatively as I do provocatively....yep, I am a simple, basic man. I am smart enough to have established boundaries....I am grateful for boundaries.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:33 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3971 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
TheTooGoodWife
Member
Member # 35973
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

Absolutely...to be honest I was pretty ripe for an A myself for a couple years before Dday. I would like to think that if an opportunity arose I would have made the right decision but I am grateful I was never placed in that position.

Same here...and I did have an opportunity, ironically enough it was during WH's (unbeknownst to me) A. I did nip it in the bud while we were still in the "hello, how are you stage?" but based on things I have faced about myself during therapy if I had known about WH's A at the time I would not have walked away. I would have jumped in with both feet, never mind slippery slope. No sexual fanatasies though. Mine were all about being treated as the woman I am (not mom, not wife) by a non-specific man who challenged my mind, spirit and emotions. Sadly WH did not do any of that, he was a black hole that sucked up everything around him and and demanded more while giving nothing back. He is changing all that though.


Me-BW-46
WH-43
M-13 yrs together 15 yrs, 2 DS 11 & 8
D-Day 20 May '12 WH confessed, PA 4 months 06/2008-10/2008 cOW
His A says nothing about me but everything about him

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
struggling16
Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

Never. I only fantasized about a better M.

Posts: 723 | Registered: Aug 2011
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

If I see an overly attractive, look at me, kind of man, I generally think he is a tool unless he carries himself as if he is unaware of his attractiveness. A bias ...maybe.


Interestingly, speaking as a women, I find a man's mind to be the erotic thing.

One of my quotes on another social media site is this...

"Seduce my mind and you can have my body. Find my soul and I am yours forever." ~Anonymous

Although my husband would be described as very attractive (he is often told he looks like a certain celebrity), he is very unassuming. And his mind is what really attracted me. And I can honestly say, that I once fell hard for someone who was not very attractive physically but mentally he was captivating.

So I guess at this point in my life, in order for me to really 'notice' a man, I would have to know him pretty well on a deeper level which would be a boundary issue to say the least.

I do wonder now, though, if I have a suppressed sexuality. I wonder why I never had sex just for the thrill of sex with someone I just found attractive. Why did I have to have feelings?


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1541 | Registered: Jun 2012
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

Yes.

I never would have cheated on him though. After my step-DD died, when my H was in such an alcoholic suicidal funk, and the world only cared about him (even on SI when I talked about it, some members would reprimend me and remind me that losing a child was 1000x worse than having someone cheat on you, not realizing both happened to me (she was my step-DD who had lived with us part of the time) and in fact he was still cheating on me, but I didn't know that then so members here didn't know it either... and it seemed nobody cared what I was going through...I didn't even know he was cheating on me at the time.

I just remember those awful times, sometimes lying in bed at night some late nights when he was at some bar, just wanting to go where I used to go dancing before I had met him, the place I met him actually. Just wanted to dance with someone to feel their arms around me. I just wanted a hug. Really it is all I wanted was a hug and some comfort from a man. But I didn't do it and would not have. As far as fantasizing beyond dancing and having someone hug/hold me, I guess it didn't really go further than that.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 8:33 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]


Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

I am hopeful that this new part of my fantasy life, the "relational" part of it, is me emotionally maturing past the teenager stage of the physical attraction men have to woman.

So I don't think fantasies are a threat to a M...as long as boundaries are sufficiently in place and the person having the fantasies are emotionally mature enough to learn from them...put into practice parts of then into their real life M. This means expressing needs and desires to there spouse.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3971 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

I fantasized about passion and desire. My H was removed from those eventually because our problems were pretty big, and I felt neither of those things from him.

I think I can see those as an unhealthy thing now, kind of 'priming up' for the real thing - cheating.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

I think there is something wrong with me, because I didn't/don't.

I do notice an attractive person male or female. But thats about it for me


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

I fantasized about passion and desire. My H was removed from those eventually because our problems were pretty big, and I felt neither of those things from him.
I think I can see those as an unhealthy thing now, kind of 'priming up' for the real thing - cheating
.

Hmmmmm interesting thought eachdayisavictory.

My wife never experienced heartbreak, never been dumped,, never experienced relationship passion in a relationship..,she has expressed concerns in MC that I showed her love more then she showed me. I, too, wondered if this played into her choosing to cheat.

I know she is capable of feeling passion as she did when in her A. Yes, it was based on lies and deception but the feelings were real.

She is changing and recognizing parts of herself just like I am.

Why was this lack of passion on her side of our M acceptable to me for years? Why was it to her? FOO issues are a big clue to both if these issues.

I think one reason I regularly asked my wife about past boyfriends, if she had fantasies and what they were about, and why I asked her what type of porn she liked ... I was trying to ascertain what she was attracted to what turned her on, so that I could help her satisfy those likes and desires and turn her on.

Unfortunately, whatever she shared, my own hardwiring biased me and I fixated on my physical looks, size and technique.....almost completely missing what really turned her own.

In not taking credit for her cheating....just seeing my own faults.

My own bias combined with her "holding back" left me to my own accord. I did the flowers thing, complimented her physical beauty, arranged schedules so her girls night out cold take place.....things I thought were building intimacy and a healthy M.

But my motives were not always pure and she was not always emotionally available....tied to FOO issues.

Dang....R seems so daunting at times....so many things to keep in mind, so much hurt to overcome.

But the A was not a deal breaker and I am excited about my growth still Andy wife has not filed yet....so we are still R.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:11 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3971 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

If spouses can explore and understand each other, the reward must be fantastic....right?

This is the " exciting" part to me. Would love to see what this feels like with my wife....would like to feel this joint passion with a woman sometime in my life.

It takes two in an honest relationship to experience this. I could not have done my "honest" part had I not changed. This ties into the excitement I spoke of earlier.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3971 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ionlytalkedtoher
Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

I have never ever in my life ever fantasized about a man ever. To the op--NO! there is nothing WRONG with you. I have just been an accepting type of person so I never fantasized about anything in our marriage either. Which to me is different than thinking, and saying, "I would like you to buy me flowers" etc.. I tell H what I want but for whatever reason he just doesn't do the the things I specifically say to do...

sexy to me is man doing dishes for me or cleaning for me etc...once my husband went in the store to buy my baby diapers. OH MY GOSH! to this day he still talks about how all the women just flocked to him...lol. Yes, apparently women think men buying diapers is sexy lol...its the idea of a man thinking and doing something for others that turns women on..of men taking care of their families and children that turn women on. I had a friend that had an affair on this guy who took his daughter to ballet class all the time...women love that a man takes care of the family and provides--that is what women find attractive.

Otherwise--see all these responses! Almost all the women said that emotional needs are what turn them on. That is why in my op emotional affairs are so psychological damaging. I hate that my H has had multiple emotional affairs--these OW had the desire to take my H away from me emotionally and often times they were very successful. He is also a pro at giving other women these types of things...on the contrary then I was left vacant and my own emotional needs were not met. I try to explain this over and over again but H doesn't get it. And then there is sharing emotionalism and then it turns to love and presents and being there in the middle of the night, and texts in the day and listening to them talk, and writing poems and writing songs and all this crap--that OHHH it isn't cheating at all! Overall i really think that women crave with the passion that you are describing blake of this emotional fantasy life .

I never did this at all to anyone but feel entitled to my own husband's heart and soul. There are "bed" issues too but by far the needs that are most important are the emotional ones.


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2013
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

I had a couple attractions, none of them serious, but a couple enough so that I thought: "Uh oh, Danger Will Robinson!"

My mother was an adulterer, and so I think I was more guarded/rational about it. In fact, the one person I got an Uh Oh with looked a lot like her OM. Creepy. So, it was easy for me to see.

I can say I honestly very rarely fantasized about others sexually - maybe 3% of the time while alone, and never during sex with H. Even when alone, it always made me feel guilty.

I am not sure H knows this, and I think he thinks women are more like men. But, my "attractions" never felt like they were about sex, really.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:57 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
hallelujah
Member
Member # 32283
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, October 18th (Friday)

My H and I often talked, before our affair mess, that we both used fantasy during sex. Neither of us fantasized about a particular person, but neither of us was able to O without some kind of sexy story in our minds. We both consider it an affair related loss that we struggle with having a fantasy life now, because of the trauma of our affair mess.

Posts: 107 | Registered: May 2011
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

Very interesting stuff. I must say though, since blakesteel responded to my thoughts, that I was/am dealing with the sexual abuse of my brother to myself and two sisters for several very young years. So, my fantasies always stopped at the passion/desire, because that's where I felt safe - not beyond that.

Now that we're both working on ourselves and our M, we have found ways to support my safety during sex - and let me tell you - I had NO idea how great sex could be.

1 in 3 girls, and 1 in 6 boys have had a sexually abusive event in their lives. Imagine how many of us are managing that, and what that means for our relationships! Crazy!!


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

No. My H walking into a room made me weak at the knees, I had no fantasy about anyone but him.

If only that feeling was mutual...


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 338 | Registered: Sep 2013
ontheslope
Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

think men buying diapers is sexy lol...its the idea of a man thinking and doing something for others that turns women on..of men taking care of their families and children that turn women on

REALLY? 'Cause, like... I did all of these things, and yet my W still decided to go and boink another guy.

Seriously though, as it relates to fantasies. I have them. I have had them for a long time. DDay was 4 years ago. Lots of emptiness since then. Lots of faking it. Lots of feeling alone.

What did I fantasize about? A woman who treated me right. A woman who "got" me. A woman who shared my values, who was a good communicator, who was caring and selfless, who was intelligent and deep. And a woman who hadn't taken everything that I had given to her and flushed it down the toilet for a few nights of hot sex.

Ugh.


Me: BH, 36
Her: WW, 37
Two girls 8 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

Hi ontheslope....you were most likely joking about you changing diapers but your wife still boinked another man....but thought it worth reminding that nothing a BS could do would have stopped a WS choice to commit adultery.

I do see many women who would value you, value me for who we are. We both thought that our wives agreed to do this, were doing this. We were wrong.

But, as proof to this post, there ARE women who would value this, who would actually do this with us.

I pray Gods will be done in my life. I did pray for my M to R...but have come to realize that is a selfish prayer, and one that infers to God that I somehow know what's best for me over His knowledge of what's best for me......so i am moving towards being fully open to Gods plan for my companionship for the future.

There is a need for men to step up....I have not done this to my full potential in the past, I am figuring out what that looks like and am doing so.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3971 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

....this hardwiring difference between men and women should encourage SI female members. I am not unique in this regard....there are men all around you that find you attractive, if just for your physical beauty.

Not necessarily. There are some of us here *raising hand* who are not fantasy material, physically at least. It doesn't encourage us to know that men checking out women is normal, because we're typically NOT the ones being checked out! Before our husbands, people weren't lining up or checking us out, and once our husbands cheated, we knew even more concretely that we were the ones "settled for" instead of fantasized about. But how sad is it that a sense of specialness comes from another person's reaction to us? It really shouldn't. It gives someone else too much control over our sense of self-worth. So we really should just set ourselves free and stop worrying about others' reactions to our looks/confidence/attractiveness/etc. Less pressure to perform if no one is watching.

I've read the many threads on the internet about how men "settle" for a less attractive woman (and I'm sure there are threads stating the reverse as well - that women "settle" for less attractive men - equally hurtful no matter what gender), how she's less likely to cheat because she has fewer options, how the "hot" women probably are "entitled" and not "women of virtue" etc etc (actual comments from a thread I'm reading right now). The woman he settled for wasn't the one he fantasized about; that was someone else. Otherwise, it wouldn't be called "settling".

No matter how you look, if your boundaries are strong, it can lead to you valuing things that are beyond the superficial. When I betrayed Mr Silver, it wasn't because I suddenly had more options. It was because I violated my own boundaries. My looks didn't suddenly become more valuable. It was my crap boundaries that got "attention". I looked the same physically; it was the boundaries that had changed. And I wasn't looking for "validation" of my attractiveness. If I was, I wouldn't have chosen my extremely abusive ex. I was looking for him to validate my UNattractiveness by abusing me some more.

When looks stop mattering, you realize it's the other things that are much deeper. Others value you for being a good listener, gardener, data analyst, whatever your passion and craft are, and you learn to identify yourself with that instead of getting stuck on the things you cannot change - particularly your looks. In theory that should mean it matters less that people don't check you out, since you know your depth as a person. But sometimes we struggle with NOT taking it personally when our other halves can check out others and not us. Then the "just because I check HER out doesn't mean I don't love YOU" sounds like an apples-oranges statement ("just because I check HER out doesn't mean I don't check YOU out too" makes for better context). So we're better off not caring about looks or searching for validation at all.

I see so many people in this thread whose fantasies are about how a person treats them, instead of about the fantasy person's looks. There is something to be said for that.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

Ok I must be the only female here who is "wired" like a man, because yes I did fantasize about other men, and it wasn't about them buying diapers or anything to do with Brad Pitt either. Also had nothing to do with anything my H was or wasn't doing. Just being honest. It was never when he and I were having sex together - just when I was alone.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 12:17 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

Yes, many times, about many women, and i have a very active fantasy life. All this precedes my marriage.

But, as another poster said, I have strong boundaries. I have to, because opportunity abounds for me. Even right now, there is a woman who has recently made her interest clear. I just let the unspoken and spoken expressions of interest roll off my back. I'm not bragging, it is worrisome, because of rumor mill behavior. I am surrounded by women all day long, most younger, and I am viewed as a "great catch". It has been hard on my wife because of her insecurities, but I've never touched, never gone to lunch, never grabbed that cup of coffee, never stopped after work. Even meetings for contract work frequently find me with a kid tagging along, or my wife, by my deliberate intent. I schedule things in public places, not in my private office.

There are some of us here *raising hand* who are not fantasy material, physically at least.

Believe it or not, that is not true....you think it is true, but it isn't.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1012 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

Believe it or not, that is not true....you think it is true, but it isn't.

That's nice of you to say, but I say it because it IS true. I received direct confirmation from Mr Silver (and before I met him, from some of my male friends), who has compared me, many times, quite unfavorably to other women. And I am sure there are other people (both men and women) with similar experiences.

I was angry for a long time, thought he was being unkind. He wasn't. Honesty is a gift. That doesn't mean, "spend forever in self-pity because you're not a bombshell" - what it means is, work on acceptance, and transcend this petty worry about looks. Strive to be something better than a pretty face. Strive to be someone you can control, who is actually a good person. Why does "not the type to be checked out" have to be a bad thing?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 12:41 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 3:38 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

I have had men pay attention to me, try to flirt at work.

I guess I just never allowed it to progress. Shut it down with a comment about my h. Then in my head it was done.

The only sexual fantasies I had always were about my h. I just didn't "see" other men in that way. Really I only wanted him and I wanted to be the one he fantasized about. Not that I am some great beauty but that his love for me would be the motivating factor.

He always viewed porn, a lot, before he met me, it was a part of his life.

It bothered me, I tried to tell myself that it was only fantasy, not real. What really hurt was when he would choose it over me. I would search through the history on the computer to try to find what it was that he was drawn to, or I guess to find what I was lacking.

I guess I was wondering several things.
1. does everyone fantasize about others, not there spouse?

2. am I odd, unusual for not?

3. As porn is a fantasy, a disconnect from intimacy does it feel into the fantasizing of "real" people?

4. then, does the fantasizing with the lack of intimacy tie into the acting out, such as an affair

5. Is that a first step? Is that where part of the disconnect happens? Is that one of the ingredients that leads to the devaluation of the spouse?

6. does the fantasy life lead to wishing for what you don't have as opposed to making the most of what you do have?

7. does it cheapen the sexual relationship and lessen the importance of the intimacy between two real people that needs to be nurtured?


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1421 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 4:11 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

silverhopes

I hope this is not crossing any guidelines but I wanted to share what wh IC told me.

He said that men would have sexual fantasies about me at least a couple of times a day because "you're very attractive"
(which almost made me die inside, I mean I knew I wasn't BAD looking... but I didn't like that revelation)

Anyway the point is he said that I wouldn't of noticed. Which is true, I barely notice.

THEN and this is the kicker, he said that (and this is the guideline part.. pls let me know if it's not ok cos it is religion) Even if I was wearing a burka, I may not get checked out as much but it's just what a lot of men do!

He said that it's more so men's imagination.

So I don't know if I'm saying the right thing the right way. But I wouldn't worry about not 'being attractive' or 'not getting checked out'

because
1) you probably don't realise how prevalent it is
2) even if you were covered head to toe some man would anyway!
3) different people are attracted to different things

range of emotions there...

"That's nice of you to say, but I say it because it IS true. I received direct confirmation from Mr Silver (and before I met him, from some of my male friends), who has compared me, many times, quite unfavorably to other women. And I am sure there are other people (both men and women) with similar experiences. "

and since this is reconciliation ( i checked) you can insert a few choice words about it

and you are btw 100 percent right about the mind. I am not belittling that

[This message edited by lauren123 at 4:14 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

I have felt the odd frisson with men I know. Pre dday I would have spent time alone with men. I run. I work with men. Now I'm very aware of my boundaries. I did have brief moments of finding men I knew attractive and enjoying their company. Even seeking them out. Could I have gone the next step if pursued? I'd like to think not but our M was a very lonely place for years so who knows?
My main fantasy was a tv character who is very like fwh when we first met. Funny that he knew about this fantasy and was jealous. When really I just wanted him back as he was pre breakdown.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
LivinginLimbo
Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

The only men I fantasized about were celebrities. Still, I never had explicit thoughts about George Clooney.

However, since then, I think of past boyfriends and wonder how different my life may have been if I married one of them. Nothing sexual, just imagining what it would be like to have a faithful spouse.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Mar 2012
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

Not really - I thought that could be a problem so I trained myself to shift sexual thoughts/feelings about anybody else to my W, sort of like, 'Salma Hayek - wow! Now I want to connect my W!'

The one exception was Sophia Loren. For many years I harbored a wish that Sophia would somehow hear about me and call to invite me for, say, a 2 week visit. I don't regret that it never happened, though....

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:26 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

Like other actual people? Not since I was a teenager.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7477 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 2:26 AM, October 21st (Monday)

because
1) you probably don't realise how prevalent it is
2) even if you were covered head to toe some man would anyway!
3) different people are attracted to different things

She hits the nail right on the head.

Also, I've been in one of those countries where the head coverings are worn, and the dress comes down to the ankles, and the women make sure they get noticed in various ways, including talking very directly to you about what they are looking for when nobody else is around, up to and including sleeping with you, even though they could get arrested for doing so. Why? Because they are human.

who has compared me, many times, quite unfavorably to other women

This is something I never, ever, ever do. Not in my real life, not in my fantasies. The woman who has begun flirting with me recently, one sided, is younger, blonde, long hair, married, and fit looking. But I would never compare my wife to her, because my wife is incomparable.

Despite what she did, she has helped me raise our children, borne and nursed the 4 children, worried at the side of my hospital bed, sat up with me all night while I was racked with pain, rubbed my back when nothing else would help, sat terrified waiting on CAT scan and blood test results, worked hard to take care of our children no matter what, and begged to be forgiven for the hurts she caused.

No other woman, fantasy or flesh and blood, can compare to that.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1012 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 21st (Monday)

Standinghere, this;


Despite what she did, she has helped me raise our children, borne and nursed the 4 children, worried at the side of my hospital bed, sat up with me all night while I was racked with pain, rubbed my back when nothing else would help, sat terrified waiting on CAT scan and blood test results, worked hard to take care of our children no matter what, and begged to be forgiven for the hurts she caused.


Holy shit, that is some powerful stuff. I just sat at work and cried and cried when I read that. Maybe not in a good way, maybe in a self-pitying way, or lost-dreams kind of way.

Through all of this, I feel like I have worked so hard to change my thoughts on sex, but the man I knew would have thought the way you described. I miss feeling like I married someone who thought what you wrote.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
angerisme
Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, October 21st (Monday)

You are NOT unusual...I would say you are the NORM. My WH tried to force me to admit to cheating and when i denied it he got FURIOUS. He finally said there was NO way I had been faithful for 20 years. That was the day I knew he was screwed up and there was no hope for him or our marriage.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 51