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Reconciliation
User Topic: Have you ever tested your WS?
naivewife
Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Has anyone ever tested their WS - as far as whether or not they would engage AP if AP tried to make contact, or whether they would truly tell you immediately if that happened? My IC mentioned something about "testing" WS one time and I was in such a daze (soon after d-day) it didn't really dawn on me, as to what she was talking about. But ever since I remembered that conversation, I've wondered about the idea of testing WH by sending him an email from a fake account pretending to be OW and wanting to talk to him, just to see what he'd do. The sad part is though - I'm afraid to find out. I don't know what I would do if he failed the test.
So anyone try anything like this? And how did it go? How did you do it?


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
IDeserveMore
Member
Member # 40460
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Ok, here is my idea. It's just a fantasy though. I don't ever think I'd do it.

But I'd create an email account with her name in it. And send him an email as though from her.

Just something short like about missing him or just thinking about him.

Then I wait to see if 1) he would respond 2 )if he would tell me and when

I can totally see how it could back fire. And I surely don't want to give him the idea that she is still thinking about him and wanting him.

But the biggest reason not to do it - I'm afraid he'll reply something about how he has thought of her but they just can't be together. And then he wouldn't tell me. And then it really would have to be over forever.

[This message edited by IDeserveMore at 9:02 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


Me BS 45, him 48, 15yo DD and 13yo DS
DD#1 1998, DD#2 2004
6 years of TT yields chronicity.
I may never get over it.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

No, never did it. Thought about it briefly, but it wasn't something I was comfortable with.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
watchtheskyy
Member
Member # 34197
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

I went the route of emailing him from "her". He didn't immediately tell me, but he responded saying how much he loved me and even if we didn't work he would never be with her because it makes him sick to think of the person that he was with her. He said what they had wasn't reality, it was just an escape. After he wrote that, he called and told me everything. Then he was so proud because he never told her those things or stood up to her like that...so then I felt like an asshole. I told him the truth a while later and he was really upset with me. We moved past it fast, and talked through it and he understood why I did it.

I don't know what advice I would give. His response had me on cloud 9 but only for a little while.

[This message edited by watchtheskyy at 9:18 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011
kourt090
Member
Member # 34926
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Wow, I wish I could do this, actually. If I thought he would find it believable, I totally would try this. The problem is that they never emailed. Everything they did was via text. On top of that, I made him delete his old email account that she DID know the email address to. She doesn't know his new one. He also no longer has a personal FB account - we only have a joint one - so I don't think that could work. Darnit! I want to try this!

ETA: I also made him change his phone number after DDay so I'm not sure how she could "get his number".

[This message edited by kourt090 at 9:31 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


Kourt090

Posts: 292 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Utah
Dance4Me
Member
Member # 26284
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

I did this by using a texting app and a fake number using the OW/EAs area code. My H also changed his cell number but I wrote him saying that "I/OW" got his new cell umber and wanted to see how he was. I/OW also said I/OW had heard through the grapevine that his daughter was sick and hope she was doing well.

He immediately called real me and told me - he was visibly upset with the whole situation. He even texted me that he just wants be left alone so he could live an authentic life with his beautiful family. He ignored fake OW's text completely...

He obviously passed the test and I never told him it was me all along. Looking back, I took a huge risk - especially if he had started engaging with her again. But at the time, and three years ago, I just needed to know....


[This message edited by Dance4Me at 9:49 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


On Dday -BS-me 41 FWS-him 42
Married 19 years 3 kids (16,13,9)
D-Day 10/2/09- TT til Feb. 2010

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.” -CS Lewis


Posts: 1042 | Registered: Nov 2009
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 2:52 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

I did it by email. I created an email with the same name but left off an e. then I went into his contacts and changed her email to the one I created. I sent one saying "your wife has been asking me a lot of questions about us.I don't want to get you in trouble or lose my job. What should I tell her". I really didnt think he'd tell me about the email but within 10 min of sending it, he told me. He refused to "her" and said "tell her the truth and please don't email me again". A couple weeks later i told him it was me and he was shocked!

Posts: 680 | Registered: Jul 2013
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

So during reconciliation, lies and deception are OK, as long as you're a BS not a WS?

Just something to ponder.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 3:22 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

No, it was wrong of me to do. Not proud of it.

Posts: 680 | Registered: Jul 2013
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 4:24 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

Looking back, I took a huge risk - especially if he had started engaging with her again. But at the time, and three years ago, I just needed to know....

I don't see needing to know as a risk...I see it as needing to know. And there is a risk in not knowing, isn't there?

I did it too, and my thought is if this caused them to reconnect for real and get it on again, then I would want to know that was all it would take. (So I could D and get on with my life sooner rather than later).

I sent an email "from her" from a fake account early on after D-day. I didn't think he'd fall for it because they didn't email and according to him she didn't have a computer and had no interest in learning how to use one. It was 2006 and neither were into texting at that time, but most of the A was talking on their secret cell phones. But the email said his sis gave her the email address and something about missing him, and wanting to konw if Bobbi_sue either wrote, or made him write the NC letter. He did fall for it.

When people ask should you do this, most say no, and many have thoughts like:

So during reconciliation, lies and deception are OK, as long as you're a BS not a WS?

Well I have my own code of ethics and my own set of weaknesses. One weakness is that I HAVE TO KNOW. To me, that is a highly preferable way to get into their "real" thoughts and the truth, than a lie detector test. And yes, I believe we ALL have our own code of ethics for when lies and deception are "okay." For example, I am betting most here think it is okay to tell your kids there is a Santa Clause and Easter bunny because it is "fun" for the kids and some parents are even judgmental of those of us who "deprived" our kids of that "fun" because we didn't want to lie or deceive our children that way. So yes, it is up to each individual to decide when this is okay or not, and it is also up their spouse (whether a BS or WS) to decide if they can live with somebody who would deceive them in this way, even for a short time.

Well, my H failed the test but looking back, I made some serious mistakes. I'm still not sure the "test" idea was so bad but I'd do it differently if I had a "do over." First of all, you need to have a conversation with your WS to make darn sure he understands what you would expect or want him to do if she ever tried to contact him. It was only about a month out and I had not had that conversation with him.

And my second mistake was not having a clear vision going in, what would constitute failing the test, and what I was going to do if he failed...was it a deal breaker, or not?

Mine answered her back with a very brief but extremely damaging sentence, basically implying yes I wrote the NC letter and he'd "talk to her later."

Another one of my weaknesses is that while I can deceive, I can't do it for very long, and can't sit on secret information, nor do I have much patience when I get emotional and angry. So the instant I saw his message back to her, I blew a gasket and of course he knew what I'd done. I think he understood why so me deceiving him was not the huge issue though I'm sure he didn't "like" it.

But he argued he had not failed the test! He said he was in a panic at seeing her email and didn't know what to do so answered it. He pointed out to me there was nothing "lovey" in it and he was right about that...no love or miss yous. In my mind, he still failed the test, but in his mind he didn't.

For us, I would say it only accomplished one thing. I made darn sure he knew after that what I expected him to do if she ever tried to contact. Only two reactions were acceptable: tell her to go to hell, or no response at all (I personally prefer the first one but I know most everyone thinks nothing at all is best).

So I don't make recommendations one way or the other on this. I've shared my experience and I can't say it was very positive, but I did learn something from it and if I had to do over, I'd probably still do the "test" but I would have a better plan going in.


Posts: 5747 | Registered: Apr 2006
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 4:40 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

What if you did this, and your FWS was so disturbed by it that they killed themselves?

My wife became suicidal after her affair. She kept this hidden. Nobody knew, not me, not her IC or our MC, then she just lost it and was hospitalized. I've known two people who killed themselves, and one of my colleagues wives killed herself, although I never knew her. Nobody saw it coming in any case. Nobody knows what the final trigger was.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 999 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Zayda1
Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

About 2 weeks after Dday I sent a text to WH from a friend's phone pretending to be AP asking him to meet up at our "special" place.

He responded the way I was hoping he would. I told him that it was me who sent the text. He understood why I did it.

Judge me. I don't care. I did what I had to do to feel safe.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 465 | Registered: Apr 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

I wouldn't ever do this by fake email. I HAVE thought about hiring a pretty blonde to look at him at a bar or something just to see what he'd do.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5071 | Registered: Dec 2010
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

What if you did this, and your FWS was so disturbed by it that they killed themselves?
As horrible as suicide is, it is the decision that person makes, a very selfish decision IMO.

I make it sound simple, but I realize it is not. My H was suicidal during his A but I didn't know he was cheating on me at that time. He had lost his DD just before that and could not cope with it at all. He was abusing alcohol regularly, and while everybody else thought he was out having a good time and "coping" he came home to me, bawling his eyes out and totaly drunk, and grabbed a loaded gun several times and told me to get out of his way. I talked him down each of those times. (I also know him well enough to know if I called 911, he would have done it all the faster, before they arrived). He was so drunk and so depressed, I think it is quite likely he would have "done it" if I had said "go ahead" and showed him the door, instead of risking my own life, blocking the door all those times.

I think about this a lot because if I had known he was cheating any one of those times, I'm fairly sure I would not have attempted to talk him down and he might be gone now. But you know what? It would not be my fault. It would have been his. I will say I am glad that's not what happened though.


Posts: 5747 | Registered: Apr 2006
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

Obviously, if we BSs are even thinking about this it is because we still don't trust them.

Last night, WH was over an hour late coming home from a meeting. I am 2 yrs 5 mos out, & yet I drove by OW's house to make sure his car was not in front.
Will I ever trust him again?

[This message edited by mchercheur at 6:52 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1393 | Registered: Dec 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

No...I don't think I would want to knock over that first domino of obsession. Even if she did the right think in the moment, the seed has been planted. You never know where it will go.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2600 | Registered: Aug 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

I am 2 yrs 5 mos out, & yet I drove by OW's house to make sure his car was not in front.
Will I ever trust him again?

see this. If I'm doing this at that point I think i'll leave. no offense, ppl have reasons for staying but I don't have the reasons many of you do such as kids at home.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5071 | Registered: Dec 2010
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

My BFF did this without my knowledge. She was pulling for WH - thinking the issue was me not him. Not in a bad way just she wasn't seeing the while picture. She wanted to make me feel safer and assumed he would tell me. She texted him pretending to be OW.

Good part is he did tell me, right away. Bad part is that he was/is in denial so deep about what he did - what they had - he took it and was excited she texted him. It fed his ego - the very one that let him think she loved him despite her showing him for two years just how much of a plan C he was to her.

Bad idea. It's a flat out lie.

Worst part is it took me months to see what REALLY happened. Before that - it actually DID make me feel safer. The reality is that I am LESS safe than I was when he was knee deep in his affair. Know he knows how to manipulate me even better if he so desires.

[This message edited by sodamnlost at 7:57 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

No. Sometimes I wish I did. After DDay and a NC was requested around 3/18, the OW continued to try. I have emails, texts, notes, and gifts she sent him, including his birthday. He sent or gave them to me immediately. At first I destroyed them but later I saved them for evidence. She eventually stopped that kind of contact and started showing up at social events she had no business being at, including our church.

I wish I knew how he would respond now to direct contact.

I am also 2 1/2 years out and if my senses told me to do a drive by, I would also do it. I still believe in trust but verify. I was blindsided once, hopefully not again. I think every time you doubt and check up, only to find all is well builds your confidence. I see nothing wrong with checking up when you need to do it. Doubts do not mean you have not evolved. It just means the wound is still aching.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1481 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

So during reconciliation, lies and deception are OK, as long as you're a BS not a WS?
Just something to ponder.

Sorry, but I totally disagree with this statement.

The problem I have with it is that as a BS, I was lied to and deceived by my wife for months and months, many of us are deceived for years. Then, in my case, the Wayward gets caught and "promises to be good." Sorry, but I ain't gonna take that promise at face value, after all, she promised to be faithful to me.

So yup, I have no problem with testing a Wayward.

I did test my wife about 2 months after Dday, with a fake email. My supposed "remorseful" spouse failed miserably and set up a call with the 'fake' OM. Then she lied to my face when confronted about it.

So yup, she failed, but it also helped her realize how truly screwed up she was. That she was still willing to throw away our marriage for a phone call with OM. Meh.

Anyway, just my thoughts.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1293 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
ionlytalkedtoher
Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

well i tested him in some ways...I pretended to be an online chick of his and created 2 accounts and went on to his site...lets just say, he failed the test. I haven't told him and don't ever plan on telling him that--there was a post here somewhere about not giving away your sources and if I did tell him I would lose that aspect of testing him again if i want to.

I would like to test him as the pretend OW by creating a fake email--but problem with that would be he would call her right away. And, she isn't that easy to get rid of again. That has been their history. There would be an email on day 1 then multiple phone calls and texts and then emails etc...the email would for sure lead to him calling OW again even if it was just to ask if she just emailed him..

see my husband would fail the test.

that is why we are still working on R. We aren't fully R.

but--no i don't think anyone on here really trusts their BS or they wouldn't be here. I told H that I would never ever trust him again for the rest of his life. Even if we did R fully...I still will be unable to trust him.


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2013
heyjules2012
New Member
Member # 38349
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

Gosh I wish I could try this too. But OW signed a contract (agreement to restaining order) that she would have to pay $300 per attempt to contact my husband, me or our families! So that would be a huge back fire either way it turned out.


BS(me)38 WH(him)38
D-Day 12/1/12
Together 15, married 11
Trying to R

Posts: 28 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: WI
Dance4Me
Member
Member # 26284
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

So during reconciliation, lies and deception are OK, as long as you're a BS not a WS?
Just something to ponder.

What Wonderboy said X10!!! - Can't get used to referring to you to SuperDuper! Lol

I was pretty irrational and distraught in my thinking that first year after dday, and when making a decision for the four of us (me and my three kids) about staying, I would have done anything to make sure my H was serious about R. Oh - and as a BS...I was pretty suicidal after four months of TT - so I didn't care what he thought at that time.

[This message edited by Dance4Me at 4:08 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


On Dday -BS-me 41 FWS-him 42
Married 19 years 3 kids (16,13,9)
D-Day 10/2/09- TT til Feb. 2010

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.” -CS Lewis


Posts: 1042 | Registered: Nov 2009
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

t/j

What Wonderboy said X10!!! - Can't get used to referring to you to SuperDuper! Lol

See my signature line. Wonderboy is just fine!

[This message edited by SuperDuperWonderboy at 5:29 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1293 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
mattg1958
New Member
Member # 37599
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

You might want to skip this paragraph as it's me regurgitating some of what happened. It probably belongs elsewhere.

My wife and her affair partner met during a three month out of town project, working together Monday through Thursday almost every week. After the first three weeks, there was a two week break in travel. I learned later that's when the "flirting" started and was so intense that their first day out of town, together, they consummated their relationship. When I finally found out, being on the same project but at a different travel location, I was able to comb through the billing records to narrow it down to one of two people. With some high level questions she was willing to answer I was able to pinpoint which of the two it was. From there, I broke into her on-line cell phone (text and calls), Amazon (gifts), banking (nothing there) and credit card (nothing there either) accounts. I eventually learned that when they were apart (he lives almost 300 miles away and the work site was 3000 miles away), they were in contact by cell phone, text message, e-mail and video chat. I was able to get his phone numbers, home address, resume and, through a close colleague, personal insights into this man I have never met. She left me for this man but came back six weeks later when she woke up to what she had done to me and her remorse set in, but she still was in love with this other man.

I could easily create an e-mail address that is similar enough to his address. I could analyze his writing style enough to compose a short e-mail message. But between the deceit I would have to carry out and the possible reigniting of her contact with this other man, I don't think it would be the best thing for me to do.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Edison, NJ
hallelujah
Member
Member # 32283
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 18th (Friday)

My H was addicted to pot. I would never, ever secretly put an ounce in front of him to test him. IMO to test someone like that is deceitful and it is cruel and it is counter productive if you are trying to R.

Posts: 107 | Registered: May 2011
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, October 18th (Friday)

the seed has been planted. When you do this type of thing, what is it saying about you as a person? If you really want to know, it will eventually come out. All you have to do is for it to be revealed and it will in some way or form.
It also plants the seed for them to start thinking about that OW/OM, now if you know you are truly R there should not be any of this anyway.

I would also be so scared of the backfire.

I am not saying that you should not have doubt but rebuilding trust is on both our parts. Meaning if you say you want to rebuild trust then do that, because when they are trust worthy your gut knows, and when they are not your gut knows.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012

Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong


Posts: 2731 | Registered: Aug 2011
nuance
Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, October 18th (Friday)

So during reconciliation, lies and deception are OK, as long as you're a BS not a WS?

No, of course not! Not just during reconciliation but anytime during the marriage. I tell my FWW don't do anything suspicious otherwise we will lose a ton of money in gadgets, spy software and PIs. In the past I would just ask her what the hell was that and she would gaslight me.

I'm just doing my part for a happy marriage

Also what super-duper WB said.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1209 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
sadgirlinboulder
New Member
Member # 40735
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

I did create an email account with OW's name and sent it to his work email. He texted me immediately when he got to work and asked what he should do. I asked him to follow his heart and he deleted it without opening it. I know because he gave me access to his work email account. Also, he didn't reply to the email. I just needed to know it was over. Of course he could still open it from the deleted box, which could be weird, because the note says she separated from her husband and would like to fly into town and spend an afternoon with him. I'll keep you posted if he opens it.
I'm sorry, but I don't feel in any way guilt about this deception. He lied to me for 7 years. I can lie once to insure that my decision to stay with him for now is the right one.


Me=BS-age 52
HWS=age 53
1 daughter 16 yo
OW-married mother of 4
D-Day-7/31/13- 6-11 y affair-we have been married 18 y

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: boulder, co
AlexFL
Member
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

I believe there's an app that you can make your phone # appear as someone else's #. There's also a boyfriend tracker app that works as a GPS so u can see where they go. There is undetectable software that can easily be installed on any computer that will email u a screen shot of everything they do, there is a USB port u can attach to the back and then just attach it to your computer after to see all their activity, there is spy software that virtually allows you to watch everything they do on their cell phone. I've done one it two and now I have decided to no longer be a detective and to not allow myself to waste energy. I know he is a cheater and now I'm finally making decisions that are right for me. It's a hard road but I know I can't keep doing this and worrying. It's not healthy. I would suggest if you have to do all these things u are better off alone.

Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, October 21st (Monday)

My H was addicted to pot. I would never, ever secretly put an ounce in front of him to test him. IMO to test someone like that is deceitful and it is cruel and it is counter productive if you are trying to R.
If on the other hand, he profusely claimed he was not addicted to it, and would resist it if put before him, I think I might do a test like the one you described, and would not consider it cruel, but would consider it a step toward looking at the truth and reality.

As far as it being counter productive to R, I think that is irrelevent, at least it was for me. It was not about R'ing, it was about finding out how sincere my H was, so that I could make a better informed decision for myself whether I even wanted to R with him. I just wanted to know the truth about what he was thinking and whether it was really over with her (in his head and everywhere else) like he said it was.


[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 2:07 AM, October 21st (Monday)]


Posts: 5747 | Registered: Apr 2006
betrayedme2
Member
Member # 40639
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 21st (Monday)

I would do it in a heartbeat. What Superduper said...

In my case I don't think it would work. My WW would be very suspicious if she received an email claiming to be the prick she fooled around with if the email address wasn't identical to his. I've snooped every which way I know of or could. Email, texts, phone. A little while back I found a secret email account she had that she kept "just in case" for the two of them to communicate "if they needed to". I don't that she doesn't have another secret account now. So if I created a dummy account and sent it to the one email account I'm aware of, she'd know right away. Also, the prick also knows I'm checking her known email, so there's no way he would email her there.

In short (too late) if I thought I could get away with it and that it would be meaningful (to me), I'd do it with no remorse!


dday: 1/19/13
ME: mid 40's
WW: low 40'3
2 daughters, 17, 21
Reconciling

Posts: 83 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
strongerdaybyday
Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, October 21st (Monday)

I've wondered about the idea of testing WH by sending him an email from a fake account pretending to be OW and wanting to talk to him, just to see what he'd do

^^This^^

And happily, he told me immediately. I knew her email and just added a 1 - he didn't know the difference, he saw her name in the email and called me panicking. "She emailed me, I swear I didn't email back, if you want me to tell her to back off I will, or, I can just delete it." I told him to leave it alone, but, he sent her an email, "this is the last time I will contact you, I love my wife and family. You were a mistake and need to leave us alone." And then cancelled his email so "she" couldn't contact him anymore. Do I feel bad? Sometimes. But that goes away pretty quickly!

He's the fool that had an affair...I had to know what he would do if she ever tried to contact him.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 10:43 AM, October 21st (Monday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, October 21st (Monday)

So during reconciliation, lies and deception are OK, as long as you're a BS not a WS?

Just something to ponder.

While this is not a route I would take, what you are saying does not apply in equal measure to the implied chastisement.

The problem here is that following dday, the WS has destroyed trust in the BS. If a BS is testing their WS then it's because you are right - there is secrecy and deception. The goal of this secrecy and deception is to establish whether or not the WS is safe to be with.

It's not so different from the use of a VAR - the BS is trying to establish whether or not their WS is behaving with authenticity. It's a means for a BS to decide if they are going to reconcile or not.

So in short: yes, it's okay if you are the BS and you are trying to establish whether or not your spouse is going to inflict further damage so as to decide whether or not they are safe to remain with in a relationship.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7456 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, October 21st (Monday)

I never tested my W, but then she and ow didn't use e-mail, just text messages. W changed her phone number without forwarding, and she considers herself clueless w/technology, so testing never crossed my mind.

I think testing is very tricky, very difficult to do well, and very likely to backfire.

It's also dishonest. Before committing to R, I think testing is probably OK - it's just more data you gather that feeds into your decision to R or not.

After committing to R, though, I think it's a terrible practice. Once you're in R, IMO you need to model an honest, authentic life for your (f)WS and for yourself, and testing is the opposite of that.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10167 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 35