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User Topic: Terrible husband...
Sam793
Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Each day I realize more and more how poorly I treated my BW during the A and prior to it. She did everything for me and I just beat her down. How could I do this to someone like her? Everything was for my gain and her expense. The more I think of the years past I find examples of idiotic things I did or said. Things is wouldn't consider doing again. I've wrecked a wonderful and beautiful woman for my selfish gain.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
iwillNOT
Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Tell her, if you haven't already. Or even if you have. Those are healing words. I wish I would hear them from my.WH.

Peace to you, Sam.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 504 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Neznayou
Member
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

It happens pretty regularly around here that something else is said or some memory comes up and I realize again how horribly I treated my BH and for how long I treated him that way. My Affair really was the cherry on the sundae of shitty things I did to him. The only reason he is still here is because he loves me. I'm thankful that I have another day to love him and to prove myself to him and to try to be worthy of him.


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

Yes, tell her. Tell her over and over. Tell her that you recognize how wonderful she is and you should have seen it before.

A little projecting here, sorry. Aching for this myself today.

I do know it would be healing.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1345 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

Sam....what I wouldn't give to hear those words from my WH mouth, or better yet to have him write them in a beautiful card so I can read them again and again.

It sounds as if you are truly getting it. Good luck


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

Right there with you, Sam. My angel got the very worst I had in me.

And she chose to love, and believe in, and heal with me...even after all that. The gift of her love just keeps on giving. And showing me the luckiest day of my life was, and always will be, the day I first laid eyes on her.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
TheAmazingWondertwin
Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

Those are beautiful things to hear. Say them... A lot.
I know they help me when I hear them from mine.
I wish you peace and strength.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Teach8
Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

Sam...it took my fwh a year and a half from dday to realize that in our whole marriage he was emotionally abusive. He didn't yell at me or call me names, but he disengaged and treated me horribly just the same. He and I have had this conversation many times. Unfortunately, you can't do what we still somehow want...which is to undo it. So now you have to make your bs somehow feel like she is first when she has felt and still feels like second, third...last. not an easy task.

So, here are some things I've asked of my fwh...

1. If you tell her you will do something, do it. No excuses. If you are going to read a book and discuss it...do it. Don't make her feel like she has to nag you or she isn't worth the effort. This goes for all big and small things she may ask of you.

2. Have the courage to rock the boat. When things are going great, then tell her that looking at her and the kids kills you when you think of what you could have lost. Tell her you are thankful for the chnace to reconcile. Tell her these things when she is least expecting them...it makes us know that this shit is on your mind as much as hers.

3. Always remember that the words are important but if you don't back them up with the follow through actions, then it is just another reason to feel second best...and another missed opportunity to build trust.

4. Finally, you need to do and say these things all the time. You have to be consistent. If she really comes first, if you really want to make it work..tell her and SHOW her with your actions. Read something, learn something and share it with her without being asked. That shows her that you are taking the reigns in your own healing and will help her feel safe...and worth it. Show her she is worth more effort than anyone else on the planet.

Hoping you two can see your way through this.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 507 | Registered: Aug 2012
scream
Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

Teach and I both read your post and her response is great advice. She asked me what I would say to you about and hour or so ago and I really don't know if I can add anything to what everyone has said.

Teach is right it took a long time for me to see what kind of person I was. Abusive is the only way I can describe it. I didn't appreciate what a kind and wonderful woman I had as a partner. The saying goes " you don't know what you got till its gone.". Its true. I may not have as lost Teach but I know I never really acted I had her. I never ackknowledged her for the loving partner I had.

I know she deserves better. I'm working at being the partner she wants. I hope you continue to do the same.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Aug 2012
breakingpoint
Member
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

It sounds like you lacked empathy for her in your "old" relationship. I have realized that I had lacked empathy as well. Maybe it would help to look into what led you to be that way. I know for me, my own emotional issues and anger toward my H blinded me from feeling the empathy that I was capable of.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
Sam793
Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

I did some pretty horrible things. My BW had found some emails I send a friend where I would randomly bash her even when nothing in the email would lead up to it. I need to fully learn why I did this. She was nothing but wonderful to me and would do anything that I asked and even do things without asking. So why would I want to treat her like this? This is the biggest question I have to answer. If she was difficult with me during these times it was only because I was the same with her. I need to explore why I needed to be in control and make myself look better and her look horrible. With this I can explain everything else. I need to keep on pushing.

As for doing what she asks of me I need to with no questions or delays. I took today off work to look after our sick DD but for a second made it sound like I wasn't going to. I need to stop this and just do things without having to ask or suggest. I'm sure this will go a long way.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
UndecidedinMA
Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, October 18th (Friday)

ITA tell her. The day my FWSO told me how sorry & was specific for what he was sorry, was the day I knew we had a great chance to make it.

To this day I think that may have been the single most important thing he did in this journey.


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
Topic Posts: 12