About two weeks ago something shifted for me and I began to have moments where I wasn't consumed by his A. I was still thinking about it most of the time, but I had flashes where I basically forgot to be actively devastated and found myself, you know, actually living my life.
I also stopped wondering about what he's doing, will he come back, why did he leave me. My primary thought about it all became "Who does he think he is?"
Fast forward to this week, and I haven't cried in almost a week. I've been more upbeat. I'm actually making my appointments on time. Thinking about the future. Letting my friends talk to me about setting me up with their brothers, etc in a year or whenever I'm ready.
In the last few days, when I think about what he's done, I think "how pathetic." The things he said to me, "what an asshole." I used to agonize over the fact that I helped him gain the career he has now and felt like I was being left in the dust. Now I think "good for him wherever he ends up" and don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I used to be so mad that he got to live in a nice part of the country that I miss (I had to move in with family elsewhere for financial reasons). Now I think "If I want to live there again, I will, on my terms."
I even think I could handle thinking about dating again soon. I'm not ready to actively seek it out. But if I met someone, I no longer feel a sense of obligation to him.
And more and more the life I had with him seems fuzzy. I can't access those warm feelings of love and happiness I had with him anymore. At least, not easily. Now I even find myself wondering why I decided to invest my life in him in the first place.
So what is this? A momentary break in the agony I've been in for months? Or a sign that maybe I'm going to get out of this? That I'm actually healing?
I mean, I'm even starting to gain some of the weight I lost the last 6 mos and I'm panicking because I bought all of these cute new clothes!
If I really can get to a place where he no longer matters (which has been my goal all along), I will be so stunned. Given where I was all summer, it's nothing short of amazing.
Has anyone else had spurts like this where you felt like yourself again? Should I expect that I could take some steps back at some point?