SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: I'm not obligated to recover
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

Even if he's being the perfect husband NOW, it doesn't negate the crap that went on previously.

It's so hard to weigh the pros and cons. Its hard being in a position where one HAS to weigh pros and cons. What kind of a marriage is that? Yet, that's what ppl in reconciliation do. They take the crap that was fed to them and even more crap that continues to occur - OC, money spent, etc. And if they're successful, they put the affair in it's place - the past.

I have no idea how people do this. If you are one - hats off. There is no way I can do this. I can exist in this marriage day to day. That's all I can do.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5071 | Registered: Dec 2010
PhoenixRising88
Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

No words of wisdom for you unfortunately. Just wanted you to know - You've been heard, and you're not alone.

(((((Rachel)))))


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 427 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

I find that I can feel exactly like you describe one day, and then another time I can feel like this is all going to be ok! If you've never felt like it's gonna be ok, that would worry me (depending on how far out you are).


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

I'm 1.5 years out and some days I feel, "ya know, I could do this, I feel ok and safe." But there will NEVER be a time when I don't feel differently about him. Not after he did it twice.
I need to come to terms with that.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5071 | Registered: Dec 2010
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

(((Rachelc)))

Sweetie, hand in there.

I get what you are saying, and it is true, you don't have to recover from this. You can choose to not R in your M, and you can choose to hold this awful event in front of you the rest of your life, but before you do that I want you to consider this....

What do you gain by keeping your spouses bad choices, lies, and hurt in the present? Does it make you feel warm and fuzzy? NO it doesn't. Does it make you scared to consider putting it in the past? It Should. It is F'ing scary as hell to know that your H has done what he needs to figure out his why's, and change who he essentially is at it's core, and be willing to let that go. I fought that for probably 6-8 months.

My H really did finally get it, when I handed him my ring, and calmly and quietly said I am done, please leave.

From what I read of your posts, you too have been having a good go at R. So from someone who did R, and moved on and became happy, and strong again, I want you to know that you too can do it. Don't force it, don't fret on it. Be present for the marriage day to day, that may be all you are capable of for now, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Make sure that Rachelc is happy in who she is, and if she isn't figure out why, and change it. You are the only one that can really make you complete, and happy. What is missing? It may be something that he is or isn't doing, and if that's the case you have to talk to him about it, and give him the opportunity to make changes.

But here's the thing, don't pressure yourself to get there, to be R'd. Done and over, and happy, and life is hunky dory. You are really only about a year into true R. If I recall correctly, and remember this shit takes anywhwere from 2-5 years to R from, that is true even if you D. This is a pain and a hurt unlike any other you have experienced, and forcing it to happed, to be fully R'd, to make part of your past, just puts pressure on you, and makes you feel bad.

You had asked me previously if I Forgave my H. I said yah I did. For you that was important, but remember, what I else I said. It wansn't met with a trumpeting of horns, and singing of angels. It was more of a quiet, peace that came over me, and it didn't happen overnight, it was slow, and snuck up on me, bit by bit. I don't really think I could have reached that point of forgiveness until I was fully healed.

I found myself at around 20 months out feeling strong, secure, and happy. When I took out the A, and explored all that came with it, it didn't really hurt anymore, because that guy, Mr Tush during the A, he was gone. In his place was a guy that was happy with who he was, proud of his family, and no longer putting work, hobbies, or others first. He made it his goal to make me laugh every day. He focused on being a great dad. This guy was different. He had made some bad choices, he had hurt me deeply, and he had hurt himself deeply as well. When he made those changes though he started to heal himself, and our M. It was up to me to heal me. But it happened, and I was able to let it go, and put in my past, and be proud of what I had accomplished, and what we had accomplished.

You will get there. But please please please be easy on yourself. I can tell you that it will one day be in your past, and most likely it will happen when you weren't even paying attention.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8600 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

tushnurse, dear god it's nice to hear some good news. You have given me something to hang my hat on today.

Hope.

Thanks.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

yes, tushnurse - its so good to have someone recovered on this site that is a ways out... thank you!!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5071 | Registered: Dec 2010
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

I have no idea how people do this. If you are one - hats off. There is no way I can do this. I can exist in this marriage day to day. That's all I can do.
You can also decide to end the M and start a new life without him.

Life is full of disappointments and pros and cons, actually, and we have to make choices even when either choice before us is not what we really want.

Nobody can make your choice for you, but just based on your comment, I am guessing you might be better off making the choice to end the M. Some people are okay in living in a marriage where they don't trust, don't forgive, and even when there is an OC. Personally, that would not be acceptable to me but I don't try to put what is acceptable to me on others.


Posts: 5747 | Registered: Apr 2006
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

rache,

I think your mixing (up what I think of as) 'recovery' and 'R'.

To me, recovery is my own healing from the trauma, regaining my own mental and physical health, my own joy. This is work I have to do, because no one can do it for me.

It can be more or less difficult depending on what I want (R or D or IDK yet) and depending on my environment (does my W want R or D and is she working effectively toward what she wants), but my recovery is my job.

Sure recovery is optional, but I believe I make myself suffer if I choose not to recover, and I've already experienced enough unnecessary pain.

R is a different matter entirely. R takes both partners working hard, and even if both partner do the work, either partner can choose to stop.

You can recover and not R, but I suspect you can't R unless you recover.

So I really urge you to choose to get well into recovery before deciding about R. Work on your M, sure. See if your H will step up, sure. Don't choose R unless you want it and your H will do the work.

But choose to recover, no matter what.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10167 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

I agree with Sisoon and think there is some confusion with the two Rs (Recover and Reconciliation; I think we often use the same abbreviation for both).

There is no obligation to reconcile, for sure. You always have the choice not to, or even to stay in the M but just sort of exist there in it.

There is no obligation to recover either, but as for me, I would want to and do everything in my power to make it happen. I most definitely recovered after divorcing my first H, and after deciding to reconcile with my current H, but I think it had a lot to do with my own choices, actions and attitude, to make that happen.


Posts: 5747 | Registered: Apr 2006
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

I think I'm plugging along in my own personal recovery. But if I'm healthy and he's healthy I think the implication is that we should stay together.
Why else would a person leave then? That would mean they can't get past what happened, and does that mean they're still not healthy?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5071 | Registered: Dec 2010
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

Not necessarily. Sometimes the M is just too broken. The trust and sense of safety can't be regained. There's no shame in that.

I agree with others who say that you should take your time. This feeling may change with time. But if it doesn't, feeling that way is not a recipe for happiness, IMO.

Personally I never for a minute wanted to be apart from my H. I would have left him if he didn't change in the ways that I needed him to, but I would have had to force myself to. Everyone's experience is unique and we all have to do what's right for us.

Good luck.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

Why else would a person leave then? That would mean they can't get past what happened, and does that mean they're still not healthy?

I don't share that line of thinking. You have a choice not accept what he has done, especially if there is an OC involved. Some things are just deal breakers and that would be for me, whether he was sorry and apparently "healthy" or not.

I could not "get past" that if it meant forgiving him and staying married to him. I have mentioned before, my XH was addicted to prostitutes and was with more of them than he could hope to count. I can't get past that and it would not matter how sorry he might be. I divorced him and wish him well. I do not hate my XH, but I am much happier not married to him, not having to think about that any more.


Posts: 5747 | Registered: Apr 2006
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

my husband's was a four month blip in our 27 years of being together. No OC involved, or even sex.

should be easier to recover from. It should be easier to make a decision about, and I suppose that's why I'm still here. I don't know if what he did is a dealbreaker... even now.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5071 | Registered: Dec 2010
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

continues to occur - OC, money spent, etc.
I didn't think there was an OC from what you had mentioned previous times, but I guess I was confused by your above statment. What was OC in that context?

It is my view that you should DECIDE to forgive him or not, and then work on yourself to actually forgive him, or move on with your life without him. I don't agree with those that say take your time (if time means years). Life is too short to stay miserable.


Posts: 5747 | Registered: Apr 2006
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

But there will NEVER be a time when I don't feel differently about him.

I have finally, after almost 2 years from D-day #1 and 1.5 years from D-day #2, gotten to a place where I am:

a) Happy with who I am and I love me
b) I know that unless something happens again, I am not going anywhere. I also know that he is not going anywhere (at least not right now)
c) I know that I could do better, and if put in a situation of being alone, I would not be broken
d) I am comfortable. I wouldn't say that I am the happiest I could be with my H, or that I am completely in love with him anymore, or that I completely respect him or that I can ever give my whole heart to him ever again. It's hard to explain the complicated way I feel about him. He is my best friend, we have fun together and I love him and committed to spending my life with him, so I will. But if he left me tomorrow, I don't think I would be as upset as I "should" be.

And so there we sit. Maybe it will get better, maybe not. I am comfortable, so if it doesn't get better, that is okay. If it does, even better.

This is what happens when you make the choice to forgive something that you find fundimentally unforgivable. When I look at myself, and ask what would fix my marriage, what would make me go from comfortable with the day by day thing to very happy and confidant- the answer is the past not happening. So, I too, take things day by day and finding peace within myself and knowing that peace within myself is the only thing in life that I can truly count on.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
SecondHelping
Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

For some of us it's just so hard to recover. I have forgiven fWW and we are in R. She is doing R very well and willing to work on the things I ask. She's in IC and we were in MC (temporarily stopped). But there are just days for me that are extremely tough.

I find that I can feel exactly like you describe one day, and then another time I can feel like this is all going to be ok!

^^^ is how I feel. MC says I'm slightly depressed but not enough for anti-depressants and I was in IC until C told me to only come back if I needed to.

Thing is, I still think about A and what she did every damn day. All day long... Everything I hear, she does or says has two meanings to me. What she now means and what you used to do/say during A and Pre-A M.

The problem is now me...not her. I, just like rachelc I'm guessing, can't come to terms with it. I just don't want to have this duality and good/bad thoughts for the rest of my life. I want, but can't recover and put this behind me.

I wish I knew how.

ETA: Don't get me wrong, I WANT to R and move on, I'm just haveing a hard time at it.

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 12:45 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 487 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

And so there we sit. Maybe it will get better, maybe not. I am comfortable, so if it doesn't get better, that is okay. If it does, even better.

This is what happens when you make the choice to forgive something that you find fundimentally unforgivable. When I look at myself, and ask what would fix my marriage, what would make me go from comfortable with the day by day thing to very happy and confidant- the answer is the past not happening. So, I too, take things day by day and finding peace within myself and knowing that peace within myself is the only thing in life that I can truly count on.

thank you for this! I am not comfortable. yet. I'm about as far out as you as well with two separate Dday's.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5071 | Registered: Dec 2010
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

The problem is now me...not her. I, just like rachelc I'm guessing, can't come to terms with it. I just don't want to have this duality and good/bad thoughts for the rest of my life. I want, but can't recover and put this behind me.

exactly this for me too. I SO WANT to think positive thoughts about us/him/myself. But the duality is tough. I'm not that person anymore. He's not that person anymore. But i'm consumed by all the lies and gaslighting he did. If he lied then, he could be lying now.

I'm very tired of thinking about it every day. I'm tired of thinking about two women's names I would have never known had they not had affairs with my husband. He triggers me. ALL THE TIME. And he doesn't deserve it. HE did too many good things for us too. I'm trying to get my brain back there but I cannot.

We should all be easy with ourselves, as tushnurse advised....


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5071 | Registered: Dec 2010
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

Thing is, I still think about A and what she did every damn day. All day long... Everything I hear, she does or says has two meanings to me. What she now means and what you used to do/say during A and Pre-A M.

The problem is now me...not her. I, just like rachelc I'm guessing, can't come to terms with it. I just don't want to have this duality and good/bad thoughts for the rest of my life. I want, but can't recover and put this behind me.

I'm in this boat too and I realize I'm not very far out yet but the thing is, I don't want to spend years suffering and trying to recover from his choices. Except for tushnurse who says they're now happy, happy, happy, I've only seen reconciled spouses who write that they're happy BUT things are different and they still trigger sometimes and still think about it and will never fully trust WS again, etc so I don't know. Is that as happy as I can be given the circumstances sort of happy? I don't want that for myself and lately I've been leaning heavily towards splitting.

I am with rachelc though, if you can R and be genuinely happy and in love again, hats off to ya.


Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
tearsofblood1
Member
Member # 34392
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

rachelc

i beleive we have interacted previously before here and you were helpful.

if i can try and return the favor.

i am about 6 months ahead of you. it is a true sense of now vs then. i can only offer that how you feel is valid, and in time it will pass. things do improve. my situation while far from perfect now is ahead of where we were at the same time period where you are now.

as long as the work is being done time does heal not erase, but heal.


We're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again

Posts: 127 | Registered: Jan 2012
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

I can exist in this marriage day to day. That's all I can do.

That's all I can do too sweetie!

(((rachelc)))

One day I feel like being M'd to him, the next I am planning my D it's absolute madness.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

I think I ran into the problem I have been having about 6 months ago.

After D-day #2, H has been perfect. I complain every now and then, we have our fights, but the bottom line is that I could ask him to cut off his toe and he would grumble, but go to the garage and start up the saw. I know he isn't cheating anymore. I (logically and at times emotionally) know he doesn't still think about those women. In all ways I know how, we have moved forward with our relationship. It's not disneyland, but not death valley either.

The problem is that when D-day #2 happened, I told him and myself that I could forgive him. And a year later, I discovered that I can't forgive him. Maybe I will be able to at some point in the future, but at this point, I am just not there.

That doesn't mean that I want to leave- I have in every other sense of the word moved on with my life. I go through phases where I am angry and sad because of what he did- and I go through phases where I rarely think about it anymore. I am not unhappy, and because of that, I am content to stay where I am and let things just be.

[This message edited by BeyondBreaking at 3:02 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

@tushnurse: great post. Got weepy as I so appreciate the many parallel gifts my BW has given herself, and me, and therefore us.

@sisoon: good words of wisdom.

@rachel: hope a better place for you is just around the next corner.

This wayward is helped by seeing first hand the struggles, pain, and sadness of the betrayed's here. And that translates into inspiring me to bring my A game to my wife, family, and friends. I am thankful and appreciative of the inspiration, realizing the light is not yet at the end of the tunnel for many...and sadly may never be for some. I hope that's it the case for you, Rachelc.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, October 18th (Friday)

I'm updating this because we talked last night about how I'm struggling....

Last night he had to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Choking on a piece of steak he could see I panicking. He tried three times and it didn't work but I was able to grab my drink and that washed it down. He was really scared and I cried...

I told him I didn't to die while things were shitty between us. I didn't want to die dealing with trigger after trigger. I didn't want to die thinking about what he did all day long every day.

He said he thought I was happy. I said I was for a little bit yesterday morning... He really watched over me the rest of the night and was great.

I know this is dramatic but man it really made me think. I want this to be better but it's a process that takes time. I guess it put into persepctive where I'm at right now...
we've both wasted months trying to heal - and yes I think it's wasted time as we wouldn't have had to do this had it not happened..
I'm just thinking aloud today....


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5071 | Registered: Dec 2010
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, October 18th (Friday)

Thing is, I still think about A and what she did every damn day. All day long... Everything I hear, she does or says has two meanings to me. What she now means and what you used to do/say during A and Pre-A M.
The problem is now me...not her. I, just like rachelc I'm guessing, can't come to terms with it. I just don't want to have this duality and good/bad thoughts for the rest of my life. I want, but can't recover and put this behind me.

I'm in the same boat. I think some of us have a tougher time with this whole thing than others. Probably a lot of things factor in - the behaviour of the wayward, the depth of the betrayal, FOO issues, our personalities....

I really don't know if I can do this. Sometimes I wonder if I even want to.

ne day I feel like being M'd to him, the next I am planning my D it's absolute madness.

^^^ this exactly!

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 9:57 AM, October 18th (Friday)]


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 988 | Registered: Oct 2012
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 18th (Friday)

Wow Rachel, I'm so glad you're ok after the choking episode, it's so frightening when that happens!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 988 | Registered: Oct 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, October 18th (Friday)

one day I feel like being M'd to him, the next I am planning my D it's absolute madness.

I'm so glad this is normal! Really, IC and MC push for some conclusion after about a year. They shouldn't!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5071 | Registered: Dec 2010
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, October 18th (Friday)

Why else would a person leave then? That would mean they can't get past what happened, and does that mean they're still not healthy?

A person might choose to leave for many reasons and that would not mean they can not get past the past, nor would it mean they are not healthy imo (it could, but not necessarily)

Things like this change people (all of life works on changing us, we all change and grow, or not depending on who we are right?)and we get to choose if we want to stay in a M with this new person and they have the same choice.

I am still the same person in many ways but very different in many others. I have grown, and changed and frankly I do not think "healthy" is a real goal, it is a process that never ends if you are really working towards it.

My H is not the same person either, and I choose whether or not to stay in a M with this new person. I did not sign up to be M to this person, I do not "have" to stay just because he chooses not to cheat anymore or to try to be a good H NOW, I choose daily.

As a matter of fact he asked me that the other day, if I could handle being M to who he is now and I told him that I am still figuring that out and am not really sure. It is the truth. I have to get to know this new H, how can I make such a decision without figuring out who he is and how that fits with who I am??


Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3441 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, October 18th (Friday)

Rachelc sometimes we need a jarring moment like that to put things into perspective for us.

You are struggling with the stages of grief. What you are feeling is normal, and each of us has to do it on our own timeline. If your counselors are pushing to be done, perhaps they see that you seem stuck. The real question is how do you get to the next point?

Things you need to ponder, and decide if you can accept and be happy with yourlife as it is now, are ....
Can you accept that he did this to you? That he did this to your M? That is was out of your control?

Can you accept that even though this was probably one of the most painful things you have been through, that had you not gone through it your relationship would be broken? You would be unhappy if things had remained the way they were during his A?

You talk about it being a wasted year, and it is far from that. Without this happening, niether of you would have changed. He would contninue to have crappy coping skills, and your M wouldn't be that great, but now you have been given the opportunity to rebuild, to start at the bottom, and work on the communication issues, the love, the strengths made stronger, the weaknesses fixed. Even from the outside it may not look like mush has gone, but really a ton of work has been done.

Try to really really focus on the present, how things are now. Not what they were, not what happened, but what they really are now, are you being met with love, kindness, acceptance, and strength? Does your H do things to make you feel special and loved? Can you look at the past week, and point out one positive thing he did each day? Are you better in this past week, happier, more complete than you were at the same time a year ago? If the answer is yes, then accept it.

If the answer is no, then you really do need to figure out why? Is it him? Is it you? Whatever those answers are what are you going to change it.

Life is short. It can change in the blink of an eye, and end in a breath. It's too short to spend it not being happy with who you are, or who your spouse/partner/best friend is.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8600 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, October 18th (Friday)

I have to get to know this new H, how can I make such a decision without figuring out who he is and how that fits with who I am??

He might be great! A better version or just plain new version of the men we married. Yet still, is that enough to erase everything else that happened?

I choose daily too. But what I say to myself is, "I guess it's good enough. Today. I'm settling for less than I deserve but whatever." - oh I guess I'm still hoping the past will change and it won't, seeing that now. Still coming to terms with it I guess.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5071 | Registered: Dec 2010
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, October 18th (Friday)

are you being met with love, kindness, acceptance, and strength? Does your H do things to make you feel special and loved? Can you look at the past week, and point out one positive thing he did each day? Are you better in this past week, happier, more complete than you were at the same time a year ago? If the answer is yes, then accept it.

oh yes. He's been great. I'm saddling him with an impossible task - to have it not have happened.
Still struggling with acceptance. Yep, still grieving.

How he's treating me now is not worth the pain the affairs caused me, I know that. It really wasn't that bad of a marriage before.
If that's the price I had to pay for this new guy who is a little bit more into me...

Can you accept that he did this to you?

no. it's too painful. I love him to much so that I don't want our relationship to be anything other than a perfect love story. And I realize that I threw that away first.

That he did this to your M? That is was out of your control?

out of my control - yes.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5071 | Registered: Dec 2010
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, October 18th (Friday)

Rachel -
So what so it's not the "perfect" love story, but the perfect story is boring. What about the stories with twists and turns, and plot changes. Those are the ones that are great. Those are the ones that others build strength from, and learn that they too can make it through just about anything.

I was his first, he was mine, I get the perfect love story, hell ours was it. Dating from age 15, together through college, long distance relationship, small M because it was about us, not them, it was about our promise to each other, and God, not for all my parents friends, not for all his relatives. White house, 2 kids, a golden retriever, white fence even. Fuck it was perfect.

Except it wasn't. And you know what? It is a hell of alot more interesting and enjoyable now. Would I have learned to ride a motorcylce before this, no. Would I have encouraged us to become beekeepers, and start up a home business, nope. Would I have allowed us to raise 21 ducklings from hatchlings until they were ready to fly? No, but because I became stronger, and happier I have stepped way outside my safe zone, and life has been oh so much better for it.

So you too will one day accept that he did this, this horrible thing that helped you to grow and become a stronger, smarter, better person. You know now pain won't kill you.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8600 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, October 18th (Friday)

My H is not the same person either, and I choose whether or not to stay in a M with this new person. I did not sign up to be M to this person, I do not "have" to stay just because he chooses not to cheat anymore or to try to be a good H NOW, I choose daily.

I choose daily as well because my WH still exhibits PA and conflict avoidant behaviors. I just don't know. I don't live in a certain world and cannot be certain about my M.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
tellmewhy
Member
Member # 29302
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

rachelc, Just saw this thread this morning and the tears started flowing. I am in the same place with this constant questioning of whether I can live like this or merely exist.

Have you (or others out there) brought this up in MC or IC? Did you get any help/advice? I just don't know how to resolve this issue and it eats at me every day.


Me (BS) - 60+
Him (WH) - 60+
Married 43 years
D-Day: July 26,2010
"Kids" - 35 & 32

Posts: 179 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Northern VA
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

He might be great! A better version or just plain new version of the men we married. Yet still, is that enough to erase everything else that happened?

Rachelc, I'm nearly 3 years out. For most of that, I struggled just as you and others are struggling. Truth be told, I still struggle occasionally. Everyone has bad days.

So is it enough to erase what happened? Nothing will erase what happened. If you're waiting for the day when you don't remember the A or the deception, or the heartache, then you're waiting for what won't come. It happened. Your H had an affair. You cannot change this fact, so you won't ever 'erase' it.

What helped me was reminding myself that I could leave at any time. I could get up, pack a bag, and be away from the madness in an hour. Of course, I would become bitter that I had to lose everything because of what HE did. There is no winning really.

What I finally realized, and this may not be the case with others, was that I was very angry with myself for staying after such a betrayal. I thought I was weak. I thought I was desperate. I thought I was pathetic. I mean, who stays with someone after such a thing, right?

Wrong. I was holding onto the thoughts of leaving because it kept me in the arena of 'I won't stay with a cheater!' As long as I was thinking about leaving, I hadn't fully accepted that I was staying with someone that betrayed me.

The limbo was killing me. It robbed me of any joy because I let it take center stage. No matter what was happening I was dwelling on the A. Somehow, some way it would creep in. And I would get angry and start thinking about leaving. It was a horrible cycle.

I also couldn't allow myself to enjoy his efforts. The question of 'why now? why after so much damage do you suddenly think I hung the moon?' I would become agitated about this too, and it tainted all of the effort.

I finally accepted that I was staying. I accepted that I was choosing this, and that if it was going to work, if I was going to stay sane, I had to accept my decision and let go of my dreams of escape - and really, there is no escape. We all know this.

I can still leave, and I know this. I don't battle with myself about my decision. I made the decision I wanted to make, and I am free to change my mind, as is my FWH, and either of us can end this relationship.

Wow - that is the first time I used the F in front of WH. I guess I accept that too - that he is a FORMER WH. I'm actually very happy about this milestone!!

So I hope you can stop the inner battle that's raging in your head. If you have the same reasons, in part or in total, as I had, or if your reasons are completely different, I do know that battle. Try looking at it in days. Today you are choosing to stay married. Enjoy today. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow. That's all any of us can control anyway - the here and now.

And also, you wrote "I am the problem" or something to that effect. You aren't the problem. The problem is that you were betrayed. You cannot and should not accept any blame for how you sort through your emotions afterward. You are not 'the problem'. You are searching for the perfect answer, and their isn't one, but you are most definitely not 'the problem'.

I hope your journey gets easier. Time will help with that, but in the meantime, I hope you find some acceptance and peace.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

Painful - great post. So very true, I'm most angry with myself for staying.....

I will really think about all this!!! Thank you!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5071 | Registered: Dec 2010
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

I don't have an OC in the picture with my WH's infidelity, but I understand what you are thinking.

For me, I got to a point where I had to decide: Am I going to let this situation be the center of my life, define my life, etc. OR am I going to take a deep breath, accept it (different from saying it's ok for all of this to happen) and try to get to a place of peace with all of it? In yoga, the instructor tells us that it's all about "changing your mind." There is a lot to that, I have found. That said, life is not perfect. There are still going to be bad days (and there would have been bad days even without infidelity). For me, it is coming to a place where I recognize that focusing on the impact of the A was making me a victim. It's ok to do that for awhile...but in order to heal, I can't go on like that forever.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 897 | Registered: Jun 2013
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

rachelc - I'm so happy if that post helps you!! That's really why I joined the site. I've grown so much from this experience, and I'm still learning every day. I learn that I'm like many others - and you just confirmed that, so thank you too!

Please, if it is that you're angry with yourself, remember this - it isn't weak to make a decision based on facts. You didn't just 'accept' what your H did. You have been working, as has he, hopefully. You decided that your marriage was worth more than his affair and you're choosing to work to save that part that is worth more.

You must love your husband a great deal to choose to stay after the A. Don't be angry at yourself for loving someone. That's a good thing - you can still love him after he hurt you so badly. It isn't weak. In fact, I think it shows remarkable strength to see someone that has made terrible mistakes and is in a very bad stage of their life, and still see the good in them.

I also realized that I was spending far more of my time thinking about his A than he was. In fact, I was probably thinking about it more than he did while it was occurring. He compartmentalized. I let it overshadow everything.

You're not weak for staying, rachel. You aren't a fool and you aren't afraid. You are a person that has a marriage that has some dents in it but overall you believe it has a great deal of value. If the day comes that you don't believe that, you will leave. Until then, don't be too hard on yourself. You didn't cause any of this, but you do have the option of not letting it take everything from you.



The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 39