SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: OW text - fishing? Advice needed.
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

I had a feeling seeing the OW over the weekend was going to spark a contact. Sure enough, I get a group text from her today (with 3 other people we used to hang out with) about a mutual friend/acquaintance's elderly father passing, and did I/we want to "plan something" for her? (Not a close friend of mine, at all, but a close friend of OW.) None of the other people on the group text know about the A, although this acquaintance does as she is a close friend of OW.

So, WTF?? And what do I do? She is either 1.) crazy 2.) mean or 3.) stupid. Or, some combo of the three. My H is NC, but I have contacted her once since dday, she wrote me an apology, and her husband and I do the communicating if something needs to be said between our families.

I never said "Do not contact me" to her, but doesn't that kind of go without saying? So, do I send a short: "Please remove me from your contact list," or do I just give her crickets and block her #? I am afraid if I block her then when people respond to the group text they'll get the blocked msg as well?

Or, I could just out her to everyone in the group. Ha. (If there weren't kids involved, I would.)


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1968 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

Let's see. We are in recon, so I can't say what I would say.

So, I'd "say what I would say" and then block her. I don't think anyone in the group will get a blocked message.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6449 | Registered: Jan 2011
niaveone
Member
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

I would respond back "I will do something on my own. OW, take me off your contact list NOW and don't you EVER send me another blessed thing again"

Then when the other people private message you asking what's up. Tell them. It's not your secret to hold.

But that's coming from someone who outed her WS's affair on FB. On my page. On WS's page. And on OW's page. Then private messaged her immediate family just for good measure.

So I might be a little more ballsy then the typical BS. Take that into consideration when you hear my advise. lol.

[This message edited by niaveone at 2:15 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 212 | Registered: Aug 2013
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

I would send back a text saying, "The Verizon customer (or whatever carrier you have) you wish to reach has chosen to block all contact from this number."

Let her think it came from your carrier - she won't know the difference.

Then IMMEDIATELY block her with your carrier.

I'm with Verizon and we have the option to block up to 5 numbers for a 90 day period for no charge. You just have to remember to go in every 3 months and reinsert her number and the 90 day block starts all over again.

It's tons of fun.

In either event, make sure that the second you send the text, you're doing whatever it takes to block her. If she tries to reply to your text, she'll just get a system block message from your carrier.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
TheAmazingWondertwin
Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

It seems to be she is reaching for some sign that what's she did is "okay"
She did it with the passing of a friend ( what an a-hole you'd be to ignore that, right?) and she included you on a group list so it seems friendly ( and what an a- hole you'd be to be so rude to her).
She's probably testing the waters to see just how far she can push the "pretend it never happened thing"

I agree that you should message bak a clear but calm reply. Group message be damned. Who cares if others question? It's her eff up,, not yours.
"Please take me out of your contact list."
If anyone else asks why, tell them they can ask her.
And I would leave it at that. I am a firm believer that the less attention paid to the OW or OM, the better.
But know this... That move was calculated and wants a response from you. Keep it minimal.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

Because the two of you have friends in common, I would not respond and block her.

The only reason I would not say, "don't contact me again," or something to that effect is because she may very well go to a mutual friend who doesn't know about the A, and try to play like you are the bad guy.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Zayda1
Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

Crickets and block her. No explanation needed for her or your mutual friends.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 465 | Registered: Apr 2012
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

So freaking irritating. She has a lot of gall, or lives in a fantasy world.

Thanks for all the replies. I'll talk about it with mr.bionicgal and decide what to do. I love the creative ideas, but am leaning towards crickets (which would probably irritate her more, but leave my boundaries unstated) or just asking her privately to delete me from her contacts. (Which I am afraid gives her just a teensy bit of attention that she apparently needs, but would state my boundaries.)

[This message edited by bionicgal at 5:57 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1968 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

I say very tacky and whorish of her. Why would she think it's okay to include you in a group text. Was it a mistake and now she knows to take you out of the group. Doubtful!

I think she feels above it all, thinks she is all better now since she apologized. She should feel the shame for the rest of her life!


Posts: 162 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 6:36 AM, October 18th (Friday)

Smokehouse -

Please remember to follow the guidelines when posting.

There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.

Thank you


Posts: 35232 | Registered: Mar 2011
SorrowBhindSmile
Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, October 18th (Friday)

She is totally fishing.

Or, some combo of the three.

Yeah...I'm going with that!!!!

In my case OW was a friend as well. She pulled similar stuff on me for a long time...trying to continually insinuate herself into my life....this OW sounds to be doing the same to you. Don't bite. I'm inclined to agree with crickets. Shes itching like crazy...don't scratch!!

Sucks when the OW is a friend, huh?? Make's things all the more difficult. I took things a step further...and i have removed all mutual friends from my life. The way i see it.....anyone that could even possibly be a friend or supportive to her is clearly no friend of mine. And they arent worth my time.

hugs to you!!


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, October 18th (Friday)

I know its the middle of the day but....I hear crickets.

Crickets and block her!

If after not responding a friend asks why you did not respond (and I find most of my friends too busy to even notice this type of thing), then you can say, "Oh, I did my own thing for the deceased". Then change subject!

If you ever ever get pushed on something like this, then I would say, "ask AP, she can tell you."


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2288 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, October 18th (Friday)

After the drama fest of yesterday, I decided to double-confirm the group text came from her. It appeared to, but I wasn't 100% sure. Well, turns out it didn't. So, a lot of adrenaline released for nothing, and now I feel like she got a "Bye" somehow because she isn't quite as crazy as I feared. I am trying to feel relieved, but what I feel is numb.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1968 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
TheAmazingWondertwin
Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, October 18th (Friday)

And these are the things that drive is batty.
One small thing and it sends us on a tangent. I'm sorry, I know that technically "she didn't do anything" but the stress if these little things can send us into a tailspin.
You handled yourself admirably.
Hugs


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, October 18th (Friday)

I'm sure that took a lot out of you. I would still block her if you haven't already, so your mind can be at ease.


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2013
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

these ow know exactly what they are doing, and yes she is fishing. that is what ow do. she didnt accidently include you, or not know...nothing like that. she knew clearly what she was doing. people dont make mistakes like that.

i say go crickets. it will drive her nuts wondering if you received her text...it will.

i think remaining silent also screams a much more powerful message back that she is simply irrelevant.

my husband ow sent me a couple emails...trying to be nice...a "friend"...she even sent him an anonymous letter to his job...after she "promised" me she wouldnt contact him again. we both ignored her.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Topic Posts: 16