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User Topic: 15 th anniversary
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

today, right now, and it sucks. I am thankful that we are still together. (Though he is away at work, maybe home tomorrow.)
At what price.
I love him, and saying that I feel sad,and ashamed.
I feel love in my heart, I feel protective, I feel weak and scared.
I am alone. He's there but he's not.
He's in his own pain and hurt.
Went to the city with a girlfriend of mine today to help her. She has a aunt who is dying and she wanted to see her. And didn't want to do it alone. It felt good to know I could help hold her up.
I wish I could be that person for my husband again. I wish he could see inside my mind and my heart, so he could see. The me that he is still here for, is getting stronger, is working on loving herself more and working on accepting what she has done so that she can give him all of her. Not be so ashamed that she can't be free to be. So he can see that the love and the admiration and the affection and the words I say to him come from my heart and my soul.
I know its hard to believe, I understand that, I just am wishing tonight for that illusive mirror to the soul to be available to him so he can see. That the last 15 years and the next 40 were not a wrong choice.
And please I know once again that's not something I should or should believe can be true or even ask. I just wish there was some way for him to see the true feelings inside of me.
Maybe if he could see , he wouldn't feel so alone, so uncertain, so scared, and have back that strength he had and still has, that he can walk with his head held high again, not down because he is embarrassed and ashamed that he has me for his wife.
This is my anniversary wish for my husband. I wish for him to be whole again.
Thank you for listening, I just needed a place to be.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

Congratulations on 15 years! It sounds like you have a lot of hope, and that is enough sometimes.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

(((Joanh & H)))


The best way to cheer yourself up is to try and cheer someone else up. - Mark Twain

Posts: 17571 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
DefeatedDad
Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, October 18th (Friday)

Congratulations on your anniversary Joanh.

Ive read through your threads and what a wild ride you and hubby have been on. I think the fact that he has stuck with you this long is a good sign he's in it for the long haul.

Just give him space and be there for him.

And yes, you should tell him you love him.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, October 18th (Friday)

Thanks for the encouragement.
He's coming home today and I am really looking forward to seeing him. I do miss him so.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

Joanh
Congrats!
Hope you have a lovely weekend!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, October 21st (Monday)

It was a weird weekend, weboth tried hard to enjoy our time together, could tell we both were really strained. His blood pressure was up and having heart flutters so I know he was stressed to the max and I was on edge not sure what was going to happen and wanting to just hold him and be thank ful he was here with me.
Infact we talked about plans and we are looking at buying anew carand building all future stuff and its been his thoughts?
He's lost weight again this week he was away, he looks so tired and we both got wore down cause we were up so late being with each other.
From what I can tell this next year couldbe worse than this last year, and I just don't know how to rejuvenate and keep us strong to make it through. Somedays I know either one of us or both of us just do not want to get out of bed.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I don't know if year 2 is worse. For some it is. For us, my WH finally started getting real with IC, which has helped a lot. (I fear that year 3 will be like year 2 is reputed to be and we are on some super slow motion plan).

Anyway, just wanted to say that travel from work, anniversary and pending D day probably has a lot to do with where your h is right now. I find that the A season can really creep up on me. Just the right weather and accompanying significant dates will transport me back, without me initially realizing why I am so blue.

Hang in there. Be there for each other. Take a break to rejuvenate yourselves- individually and together- the M. Maybe even a sick day.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Thanks for the wishes and support


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 9