New Beginnings
User Topic: I need a blueprint for correct dating
Exit Wounds
Member # 32811
Target  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 18th (Friday)

Hi guys!

So I know we have the healing library, the 180, the ask a WS, but what I really need is a blueprint of the "correct way of dating."

Seriously, after having fallen in love with a guy that had nothing but his own selfish intrests at heart, I don't want to fall for that kind of blullshit again.

So now I am looking at a real new beginning. I am continuing my IC and I want to know the art of dating!

I really am serious! It's easy to find people, especially OLD but once you start dating. Then what? I mean the nuts and bolts. When do you kiss them? How long before you develop feelings for them? What if you don't? Are you suppose to be physically attracted to them from jump? What do you look for in a "good guy?" I am 43 y.o. and feel like teenager.

Can someone take the time and write out a blueprint?

I mean I am starting from scartch here and I didn't do so well with the last guy I dated

Help?! Please???

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 10:41 AM, October 18th (Friday)]

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, October 18th (Friday)

If only there was such a thing - there probably wouldn't be so many dating posts on this forum!

I think there is no blueprint. You just have to use your best judgment with each individual situation. And you might make mistakes - you might trust too much or not enough. You might ignore red flags, or fail to see them. You might get hurt again, or you may find a love that you can't even imagine at this point.

I started "dating" at age 45 after being with XWH for 26 years. I screwed up. I adjusted. I found love again.

But I can't really give you a blueprint. I had no idea what I was doing.


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7737 | Registered: Aug 2005
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, October 18th (Friday)

Unfortunately there is no blueprint.

A good place to start is by reading "Why Men Love Bitches". There's another one that's called "Why Men Marry Bitches" that's good too. Once you've got a handle on yourself and your needs the rest should fall into place naturally.

Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, October 18th (Friday)

If only there was such a thing - there probably wouldn't be so many dating posts on this forum!

Yeah...if somebody comes up with this...I'll buy it! They would be the next Stephen King in popularity!!! Seriously.... (I used that author because that's what my dating life has most resembled in genre.... )

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 12:05 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

"Sometimes your knight in shining armor just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12

Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Member # 35813
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, October 18th (Friday)

I know exactly what you mean. I had my rebound and it crashed and burned. Totally turned me off of OLD since thats where I met the married creep. Now I am pushing forty and lost in the dating world, have not met one prospect in six months and wow its lonely. I do have a couple of twenty-something fellows interested in me, but only because they think I am a "hot cougar", this is not what I need at this point in my life. I wish there was a blueprint I really do. Twelve years ago when I met my ex I would party i. the bars and meet guys but thats not who I am anymore!! And to top it all off I live in a small "village" in Alberta so there's not much to choose from when it comes to men! Personally I am hoping for a miracle, and until that happens I guess I need to just be happy on my own.

Me: BW 38, Him: WH 37
M: 07/07/07
DDay: 06/09/12
Divorce Granted on December 5, 2012 - fasted divorce ever (thanks to my good lawyer) and I am not looking back with ANY regrets!!

"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"

Posts: 253 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Alberta
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, October 18th (Friday)

I was lucky to find a really good dating coach who was very positive and caring both for me and for the men I was meeting. I never had anything remotely like a blueprint and this helped a lot. I felt a huge jump in confidence about dating and being able to kindly express my needs, to see clearly where my assumptions about him were disrespectful. I corrected a lot of my bad behavior in the process and had a great experience. I feel good about my SO now, we've been together 3.5 years. If it doesn't work out I will be OK, and also I know how to date again.

We all have our own different 'bad behaviors' so I suspect there is not one blueprint which was why it was great to work with a good dating coach and get individual attention. More effective in my experience for dating than a psychotherapist, and totally worth every penny. Although some people find their therapists helpful for this too.

BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, October 18th (Friday)

There is a blueprint. Pick up a copy of "It's Just a F***king Date" by Greg Berendt (the author of the other NB bibles, "He's Just Not That Into You" and "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken".

It's a date-by-date guide written from the alternating perspectives of Berendt and his wife.

It's a great read.

She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, October 18th (Friday)

I, too, was going to suggest "why men love bitches".

The whole book is how to keep your heart on hold while you size up the character of the man, and how to be a person, not a doormat.

It is pretty funny, yet so true!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2202 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, October 18th (Friday)

I think regardless of what happens stay true to yourself.

The right person will respect your choices and time will tell if their actions match their words.

I might be conservative but I think you risk less waiting too long than jumping too soon.

Enjoy the experience is probably the best advice I have been given.

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

I agree with fireproof - it's up to you to determine your boundaries in relationships and live by them. Ithe timelines you speak of are different for each of us, possibly per relationship - but hard boundaries are important for you!

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

I find it interesting that all the replies to this post have been from women. I am about to go on my first date in 18 years and I have no clue what I'm doing. I was on FB with my daughter last night who is away at college, getting advice on what shirt to wear.

Is a tie on a first OLD date for dessert and coffee too much (dessert only so that we can both get out of there quick if it's a bad match)? Do you shake hands or try a hug as you're leaving the Cheesecake Factory and the first date went well?

Going back to the original post...I would consider myself a "good guy". What am I looking for over the first few dates, if there are a few. Right now I am interested in chatting and doing. I want to be able to be with someone and maybe laugh over the course of the date. I would be scared off by someone coming on too hard too quickly. If there is physical contact that's great, but right now that's not necessary. Flirting would be great. 18 years ago I had no idea how to flirt and didn't recognize it when a woman was doing it with me. It's amazing how much confidence being a father can bring. So I guess from my male perspective the key is to focus on the fun. Focus on being curious about the other person. Focus on the present with the person and not on the future with the person.

Anyway my two cents from an inexperienced adult dater.

Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 723 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

Is a tie on a first OLD date for dessert and coffee too much

IMO, yes - keep the first meet casual - it's far less pressure for all involved that way. If you tend to be a "dressy" person - business casual sans tie will work.

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

I am very old fashioned, traditional type if woman, I will never ask a guy out first. I joined the local meetup group a bit so you feel more comfortable to meet and chat with other single guys, and had a feel of it, not necessary have to date or attractive to each other, just have fun....if chemistry is there you will know it, you will meet guys who is interested in you, I still danced and had fun together but make sure to keep some distance, do not lead him on if I am not interested in him.

It is the same if I am interested in a guy and I don''t feel he is interested in me. It is very difficult try to date again after the betrayal.

Best advice to get out and meet people, do not take anything too seriously at the beginning.

I am desperate for a new love too but it takes can not be rushed....

M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Exit Wounds
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

You guys rock!
I think this is ALL good advice. I am going to concentrate on this...
Focus on the present with the person and not on the future with the person.

I am going on date number 3 with this new guy. I haven't kissed him yet. I am waiting a little longer for that. Not sure if the chemistry will come or not...
Can anyone tell me how long before the chemistry sets in?

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Member # 10445
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

I think the "chemistry setting in" is different for everyone. Unfortunately, for me, I know pretty much from date one if I am going to be physically attracted to someone. I really wish that was NOT the case b/c I've met a lot of great guys who just didn't evoke that "spark" for me, as much as I wanted them to. Other people can grow to be physically attracted to someone over time even if they weren't initially attracted to them. That has happened for me, but it is very rare. I would say it's fine to wait to kiss him, as long as you WANT to kiss him (even if you don't actually kiss him). If you can't imagine kissing him or have any desire to do so after the third date, I'd say he's not a good match. And once you DO actually kiss him, you should know a lot more about the potential relationship. Good luck!

Age 43, trying my best not to become jaded...

Posts: 347 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: TX
Exit Wounds
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

I am shamelssly bumping this b/c I would really like more responses, please.

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, October 25th (Friday)

Exit Wounds,

Do you read Baggage Reclaim? I find she writes some great things about dating and what look for, what to notice in terms of red flag behavior, etc. I go on there all the time in her archives. Good stuff!

Personally, I think red hot chemistry is overrated and you need to give it a few dates before you really know if you "mesh" with someone.

I also really loved the book "Women Who Love Too Much" I actually HATE the title and avoided reading it for a long, long time just because of that dumb title. However the book itself is pretty great. It's one of those that focuses on how we pick our mates based on our early childhood relationships with our parents (primarily) and then we basically will be drawn to reenact these in our adult relationships without even realizing it. It is sooo good and helps you spot it when you do it and tells you what to do.

For example, I had really wonderful but relatively cool/unemotional parents who I was always driven to try to get their approval and attention by achievements. Let me tell you... my relationship with my SO is exactly the same way. He is this incredible pillar of society kind of guy but very withholding of his emotion and I kind of feel like I am "working" for his approval a little and that I could easily fall in his eyes if I let off or failed in something.

It was very eye opening for me to read that book. So, I highly recommend reading books about dating to give you your "blueprint" because it's the behavior you want to spot in yourself and your potential mate.

and try to head it off early if it is not healthy!

Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 17