Topic: Just Realized
Member # 38924
| Posted: 2:35 PM, October 18th (Friday)|
"I" had an EA before we got married!!!! I always thought since I wasn't physically "with" OM, I didn't cheat. But, I did. Emotionally. I hid my friendship with a high school friend from my now husband, then boyfriend. I NEVER put 2 and 2 together!!
Last night, I was thinking about all my H's OW and how I measure up, my shattered self esteem, my broken heart, my sadness, pure sadness and defeat. I was also thinking how I never want any of this to happen again. Ever. With my H cheating. I want him to fix what is broken.
Then, I started digging. "I" had feelings for someone else for years and years. And, to an extent, I still do and will always harbor secret feelings for my HS friend. A person I NEVER see or talk to. It's so bazzar.
I feel like such an asshole and relized I was a little broken, too.
Gonna see my IC first thing Monday.
This is deep stuff.
Me-BW 35. STBXH-35,active alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 little boys. M 6yrs T13.
Year+ false R & TT from Dday1 Nov 2012 IEA - Feb 2014 count at 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) for 3 years that I know of.
S, gonna D.
Posts: 796 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Member # 38384
| Posted: 2:52 PM, October 18th (Friday)|
That's a big realization LR! And brave of you to post. I too harboured feelings for an old highschool beau (who is acutally deceased...very safe of me isn't it?). I think I know why I did it but will still discuss in IC.
Anyway, good introspection woman!
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear
Posts: 1577 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 31240
| Posted: 3:00 PM, October 18th (Friday)|
IMO, having feelings for someone is slippery slope stuff, not an A. Not seeing or communicating with him is staying way off the slope.
Just curious - were you supposed to be exclusively with H2b when you had your EA?
I had a relationship with someone while I was spending a lot of time with my W, but I didn't even suggest exclusivity with either. Later, after it was clear I was hooked on my W, I dated someone else. W2b found out during R (45 years after the fact), and she felt hurt. We hadn't even talked about being exclusive at the time, but she had apparently committed to me without telling me.
I'm a bit sorry she was hurt, but if you hadn't agreed to date each other exclusively, I have a hard time thinking it's cheating.
FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.
Posts: 8541 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 39803
| Posted: 4:23 PM, October 18th (Friday)|
I had a realization through all this that I had misled my H about my true feelings about a friend of mine when my H and I met. It wasn't an EA because I "chose" my husband very shortly and cooled off the friendship, but I had much stronger feelings for this person than I ever let on. It is funny how I really even deceived myself about it for years.
me - BS (45)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/then PA
In MC & Reconciling
I edit, therefore I am.
Posts: 1139 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 37154
| Posted: 9:01 PM, October 18th (Friday)|
I made out with a few guys while I was dating my H and was out of town. (Once on a beach in Portugal with a sexy Irish lad!). I justified it because he had cheated on me and I didn't do more than neck, but thinking back I realized that I was able to set my feelings for him aside for the night and knew the guys were meaningless (sound familiar?).
Once we were married, however, I never got close to such situations; boundaries!
Posts: 1575 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Member # 37107
| Posted: 2:20 AM, October 19th (Saturday)|
I had a similar realisation soon after D-Day. I had an EA in the third year of our marriage. I made a full confession to my husband at the time it was going on, and in the years since I carried a great deal of guilt about it, but on some level, because I never had sex with the person, I thought it wasn't an affair. I now realise it WAS.
I think all the learning about infidelity, the books, the reading on SI, the long talks about wayward behaviour... it all shines a great big spotlight on the issues of both the WS and the BS. IMO it's a very good thing! I have realised that I have a LOT of wayward tendencies myself and I am working on that.
BS (me) 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a babe on the way!) & 18yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later Trying to R
Posts: 705 | Registered: Oct 2012
|Topic Posts: 6|| |