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New Beginnings
User Topic: My NB relationship just went down in flames
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

I'm sitting here sort of stunned. I've been dating a guy since last April, and it turned into an LDR around August. We had been making plans for him to move here with me, talking marriage, etc.

I knew he had a temper and the second time I went to visit him once we were LDR it came out in spades. But I thought we worked through it. Then it happened again really badly but again I thought we worked through it.

Apparently not, because it just happened again. And it is unreal. The horrible ugly things he said. Including telling me I deserved what my xWH did to me and I was asking to get run over.

And I don't participate in the ugliness at all. All I do is defend myself against his charges, tell him I don't think bad things about him, tell him that what he's saying/doing is hurting me, and point out inconsistencies that make it hard to know what to say (such as telling me you need X, I offer to buy X, you tell me to stop trying to be your mother. So the next time you say you need X, I say oh what are you going to do about it, and you get angry at me for not offering. So which is it? Offer or not?)

The ridiculous things he said, e.g. a text this morning telling me that he wants to be clear he's done & never wants to see me again. And if I need to hear it in person just let him know. Seriously dude. That makes no sense.

I'm so in shock at the moment I can't even really post all the details. And stupidly I lent him a lot of money which I'll probably never see. Funny that, given that one of his charges is that I'm selfish. Right.

Wow. I guess I will be a cat lady after all. Fuck me.

[This message edited by cayc at 9:42 AM, October 19th (Saturday)]


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

I'm so sorry that sounds horrible. You don't deserve to be treated with such disrespect. You know you are going to be better off without him. Take really good care of yourself.

((((cayc))))


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

Oh, honey. Ugly doesn't begin to describe the abusive crap he said to you!

(((((((cayc)))))))) You do NOT deserve any of this. Sending you strength and comfort, hon.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25712 | Registered: Aug 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

FTG. Seriously.

I am beginning to wonder if the first time you see something "scary" or "off", such as a peek into a temper...do we give them a chance or do we walk away assuming there is more where that came from?

(((cayc)))


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4181 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

What a douche!! I'm so sorry (((cayc))). As much as it hurts at the moment, it sounds like it's for the best.

The temper and inconsistent messages sound like xpos, and that's NOT a good thing. I think something like that would be a big enough red flag to be a deal breaker for me, or at least I would hope so. I don't want to deal with that from someone I'm supposed to be able to trust with my well-being.

I agree that you won't likely see any of the money you loaned him. I hope that doesn't put you in a bad place financially. (((cayc)))


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2381 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

((((Cayc))))

Posts: 35825 | Registered: Mar 2011
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

I hadn't pegged him as dirtbag so who knows about the money. It's a lot but at the same time, I guess I can muddle through. I did have him sign a promissory note, but if he doesn't have the money, which he doesn't, the that's to going to help much. Damn, what an expensive lesson to learn.

The first few times this happened I thought, oh we need to learn how to fight, or maybe he's right, maybe I am pushing his buttons. But this go round makes it so clear that it's all him. All his insecurities.

But I'm still stunned b/c among the other comments were "well I guess the fairytale was too much to believe in" etc. I can see this guy is hurting bad. But why attacking me could help is beyond me.

But no. I won't be responding to the latest volley and there will be no second chances. These things he has said are unforgivable.

But I'm stunned and shocked and sad. That's there too. I thought we had something special.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

But no. I won't be responding to the latest volley and there will be no second chances. These things he has said are unforgivable.

If only I had known this years ago. xpos would give what he considered an apology, or at least as close as he ever came to one, after one of the MANY unforgivable things he did to me that I let slide. His "apology" was something along the line of, yeah, sorry, let's have sex cuz you've been mad a while so I'm due. Not in those words, but I realize now that was the meaning behind his non-apology.

I should have thought more of me, but IC has taught me a lot about the reasons behind that. NEVER AGAIN!!


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2381 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

FTG. Seriously.

This reminds me of sperm donor... he could be so sweet and I thought we were so perfect for each other "some of the time" but then there were times when he could be so ugly and say awful emotionally abusive things to me.....things that not even my XWH ever said to me. It was terrible and no one deserves to be talked to or treated that way.

Run...do not walk away from this man. Do not let his magnetic pull draw you back in with apologies and promises "that it will never happen again" and how much he loves you.... been there done that. They always try to come back... and they always do it again.

Abuse.... rinse. Repeat.

((cayc))


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
fireproof
Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

I am sorry! Although it sounds like he did you a favor. You didn't marry him.

No one should ever even your future SO should say that you deserved what happened- it is cruel! It doesn't matter how angry they are at the time.

Gently the money is a huge issue. Only give or lend money you never expect to see again. Even then with an SO it is tricky and unless you are engaged I wouldn't or at least a payment plan in place. His behavior displays his respect for you.

Stay strong and know you deserve a ton better and now you are fortunate to find a better match.


Posts: 1005 | Registered: Jul 2012
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

cayc, stand up for yourself and demand that he pay you back the money you lent him. NOW.

Tell him you are now going to roll over and play dead just because he decided to have a mantrum.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1220 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
notmeanymore
Member
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

I second asking for the money back. He can borrow it from someone else who he hasn't verbally abused.

Don't let him get away with this.


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 872 | Registered: Feb 2006
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

Ah. Such a jerk he was. We are hopeful that people can change because that is what we are supposed to do...give second chances when people seem to really mean the "I'm sorry". I've learned that third or fourth chances are really more about me than about them (can I trust you this time? Have you really learned? Are you really not going to behave that way again?)...when I've reached my limit, I've reached it. Something inside me changed about that, after my marriage imploded. I'm less trusting than I was before. I'm much less apt to give a third or fourth chance, and I'm not completely sure that is a good thing. But cayc, that kind of temper is damaging...and abusive...and you did the right thing to end it; or to "allow" it to end.

I hope that when the shock subsides, you will see that you did not deserve any of his vitriol. Ever.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3207 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

FTG.

(((cayc)))


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15413 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

I'm so sorry he hurt you. Please know that you NEVER deserved the treatment from your ex and not from a SO.

((Cayc))


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 651 | Registered: Jan 2012
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

Ask for the money back.


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2704 | Registered: Jan 2010
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

This guy is abusive. You only dated since spring and he is already losing his temper with you and saying ugly things to you? Be glad you found out before you got more emotionally/financially/legally entangled with him. He is gaslighting you with his games and changing his mind on what he wants from you and you are already confused and wondering what in the world is happening here. It will only get worse.

Block him.

(((hugs))) Sorry....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15288 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

cayc...do you think he has a drug or alcohol problem?

I discovered by ex-SO was an alcholic and he behaviour would become so volatile with other people. When we finally ended things, his vile came out on me and it was such a shock to have him treat me the way he did.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

What's crazy is that it started yesterday over email (we habitually talk all day long via email) and he was a dick, but sort of at the level of "if you apologize then we have something to work with" level. But then I woke up this morning to a long string of texts that contained the most heinous things I've ever had anyone say to me inc the bon mot about my xWH. As I read it I wasn't even hurt as much as I was "dude, what in the hell is the napalm for????"

It took a good friend to point out to me that it was likely alcohol induced. And given that he uses ambien too my guess is it was a mix meaning he likely didn't even know he was doing it as he did it. But he did do it. And even if I could forgive him, how can I forget?

This morning I get a weak ass little boy tail between his legs text telling me none of what he said is true, he's sorry and he'll never contact me again. Mmm hmm. Again, a fulsome apology with a willingness to say hey, maybe I need some anger mgmt therapy or AA or something might have made me willing to talk but that apology?

I'm going to give it a few days and then contact him about the repay plan as in what is it. I've got the promissory note so I could go the legal route but I don't think I'll have to.

You know, I'm sad about this. It really didn't have to come to this. All he had to do was talk to me about how he was feeling (his insecurities) instead of creating some sham thing to be angry about, attack me and then completely lose his mind.

It's got me reflecting back on some of the shit xWH used to say to me. For some reason when this guy did it to me, I was able to see it for the BS it was immediately as well as recognize that I wasn't doing anything wrong nor being passive aggressive nor mean nor anything except forthright, but with xWH, I really took what he said to heart. I wonder why that is. Why even now I still think there is a part of xWH that's impressive/brag worthy. Why I still feel the need to defend myself in the face of whatever it is he might be saying to my colleagues behind my back....


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

(((cayc)))

ah, I am so sorry. What a harsh wake up from "I thought" life was good.

I am proud of you for the rejection of his bullshit! You are worth so much and to turn that crap away with confidence MAKES ME CROW AND SHOUT whooo, hooo!!

I am pleased and sorry all at the same time...


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

maybe I need some anger mgmt therapy or AA or something might have made me willing to talk but that apology?

Don't fall for that either if he tries it... Sperm donor used to throw out "I am going into therapy or voluntarily going into rehab or AA meetings" And, it was always just a sham or smoke screen to get me to forgive him or give him another chance. Its rarely, if ever, meaningful. Don't fall for that crap. Seriously. FTG!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

Aww Caregiver, thank you!

It's almost like I've got the thank this guy for the napalm b/c it made it all nice and obvious for me lol.

Still, I'm sad and disappointed. Loneliness descends it's little grey cloud around my head again ...


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

That's awful. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much more.

((Cayc))


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7761 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

Tell him you want your money back, and if he doesn't give it back you'll sue him.

Asshole.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9819 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

CC -- it was just a matter of time. You know that. I'm thinking that the main reason that it took so long is *because* you guys were LDR. I have a feeling that this guy would end up being a nightmare if you had to deal with him on a 24/7 basis.

It's one thing for a person to say something *mean* in the moment -- we've all probably done it. But a person who uses the "you're selfish" as the fall-back defense every.single.time he doesn't *like* what you're saying is just a douche.

From everything I know of you, *selfish* wouldn't even make it onto the top 100 list of CayC traits.

I can *see* you attempting to fight off the impact that his words had on you. He hit you in every single *tender* spot that you have. He has called you selfish. He told you that you *deserved* what your x did to you. And I know that you are fighting like hell not to succumb to those thoughts -- because you KNOW that they are NOT true. Please don't let this guy drag you back down into *the pit*. Please.

IMO there is no amount of *special* that could make up for the fact that he told you that you deserved what your x did to you. None. I don't care how mad he was or what his *malfunction* is.

I know that you had really high hopes for this guy. And I'm really sorry that he didn't cut the mustard. He's not worthy of you. He just isn't. He's not a prince in a frog costume. He's merely a frog. Let him go drown in his pond.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8074 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
risingfromashes
Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

Everything Gonnabe said!


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1665 | Registered: Mar 2004
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

But a person who uses the "you're selfish" as the fall-back defense every.single.time he doesn't *like* what you're saying is just a douche.

Yes I can see that (now) because it's a line that really means "you aren't giving me what I want so let me cut you down to size and bully you into doing it".

And yes I did have high hopes for this guy. It's going to be weird for a bit b/c we spent all day talking via email, text, phone for almost 6 months. It's going to be a big hole. But unbeknownst to me I really must have done a lot of healing from what brought me here b/c in the past I wouldn't have just stopped the good feelings on a dime, would have made excuses for the guy, and probably wouldn't have even seen it for the abuse it is. So there, progress!! lol


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

I agree that it may have taken longer to see because it was a LDR, it is easier to hide things via phone/email.

I think the "missing" part is the hardest to heal from, but give it a little time and take another chance on someone new.

You ARE growing and healing. We do learn to take care of ourselves, our own emotional needs. If something isn't right, it may take some time to see it...but you do see and and no longer make excuses for poor behavior.

Someone who says intentionally cruel things to you, especially as a pattern, isn't someone YOU want to be with.

It will take a little while for you to let go of the possibility, but just recognize that you are going to feel some pain and loneliness while you heal. My IC always tells me to cocoon during this time. Surround yourself with "self-care", take it easy, buy something pretty, read a new book, get a massage, something simply for yourself. Post on SI, lean on your friends through the worst days...and in no time you will feel better and gain additional clarity.

Do NOT take anything he said to heart. You ARE one of the most compassionate and amazing people I have "met" on SI. Which is also why he was attracted to you.

** t/j A slight humor... I have to post this...I'm sitting outside on my deck with a hot steaming cup of coffee enjoying this beautiful chilly morning. I live in a neighborhood with houses fairly close together, but my neighbor can't see me. He is raking his leaves, with his headphones on, loudly singing along with the tunes on his iPod. He is terrible. Like ducks mating. I'm trying to type this serious post to cayc and all I can hear is duck squacking singing coming from next door. Now he is whistling with the occasional falsetto word thrown in. And he only sings about every third word. I think he is singing Prince. Life is funny.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4181 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

So there, progress!!

Yep! You have come a long way, CC. Now go and do something fun today.


....and I'm at cmego's neighbor....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8074 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
justabrokendream
Member
Member # 3075
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

Unless there was some promise in writing or provable - this money would probably be considered a gift. I have made the same mistake and rather than wanting to deal with the guy, I just used it as a life lesson.

Yes FTG!!! Crickets...


Posts: 306 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: CA
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

Cayc, that's terrible. Do you have any close friends there you can spend time with?


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 840 | Registered: Nov 2012
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

EDIT: Double post?

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 10:42 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 840 | Registered: Nov 2012
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

Oh oh oh, please promise us that no matter WHAT he says, you will NOT consider making up with this douche. If he does this in the "honeymoon" phase of your relationship, just think of what he would be capable when you'd been together ten years!!!!! Even if his rant was booze/ambien-fueled, do you really want a relationship with someone who abuses booze/drugs to this point?

When people tell you who they are, believe them. ((cayc))

Edited to add: And the only correspondence you should have with him at this point should be through SMALL CLAIMS COURT.

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 10:44 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7278 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

((cayc))

I hope you are doing OK today.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

I'm so sorry cayc, what an ass, but I'm glad he showed you who he was so early in, especially considering the LDR.

Definitely follow up on the money, but if you can't get it back, depending on the amount, it may not be worth any additional contact.

((cayc))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
seekingright2013
Member
Member # 37991
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

((((awww cayc))))

Ditto what everyone else has said.

About the money -- I also was in a LDR relationship (125 mi apart) and lent money. So you are not the only one !!!

This went against every rule in my head but I let myself feel sorry for the guy etc. I thought we had true love and all that. (I have spent a good bit of time in therapy working on my co-dependent tendencies, btw, so I am owning my part.)

ANYWAY ... we only had a verbal agreement backed up with emails but no actual document signed.

When everything imploded, I basically said, forget it, use the money you would have repaid me to see a therapist etc., because I was all noble like that

So I started seeing a therapist right away and after I'd seen her for a couple of weeks, she encouraged me to ask him to pay the money back.

But I'd already forgiven it, I said. In writing. She said, you wrote that under emotional stress. First of all, what is in your best interest now? (Obviously, him paying me back.) And, what do you have to lose? (Nothing).

SO I emailed him, totalled up everything that had been borrowed (this did not include all the money spent on the rel't, just money that had been loaned) ... It was over $2K. A substantial amount.

I told him my therapist had encouraged me to see repayment of the funds, that the forgiveness offered was when I was in a state of emotional distress, and that I would be happy to pursue this in small claims court if he didn't want to repay me.

**I am sure he felt guilty.** It had been about 3 weeks since I'd given him the boot. He signed a basic promissory note to pay $100/mo until whatever month, 2014.

THEN, when I had the promissory note in hand, I mailed the new girlfriend -- the one he had cheated on me with -- the mea culpa I'd gotten from him when I caught him cheating. (She had no idea she was the OW.) And I mailed a copy to the sister & brother-in-law she was living with too

Anyway, he has been paying me $100 a month like clockwork since then. I have no idea if he and the new girlfriend are still together. I am proud to say he is blocked every possible way he can be, and I have never once looked at his FB.

He made about 1/2 what I did -- I'm sure it's a cramp in *his* budget, even a relatively small amount like $100. A couple times he has delayed his payment a couple of days until he got his bi-monthly paycheck, so that tells me he's still living very close to the bone.

Also, I am sure he is honoring the promissory note because he knows my Ralph Nader side and that I would haul his ass into Magistrate's court for non-payment, garnish his wages, ask for costs, and ride off into the sunset

ANYWAY, this is my looong story, just to say -- do what is right for YOU. I wanted that money back that had been loaned. I'm sure he thought he could be all pitiful and I'd forget about it. Nope. It makes a difference to have that $2K being repaid.

Every time I get a check, I do something really nice for myself

You are really lucky to figure this guy out in 6 months. Honestly. I was in the aforedescribed relationship for 4.5 years ! What a waste.

I'll never lend/give anyone money EVER again in a relationship. And I will never date anyone with significantly different income/prospects than me either!

(((hugs))) to you. Take good, good care of yourself.

ETA to add a few more juicy details

[This message edited by seekingright2013 at 1:29 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]


BSO, 53
exWSO, who cares
DD: 11/18/12
DD2: 11/21/12
Kicked him to the curb 11/21/12
“I tramp a perpetual journey.”
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

Posts: 118 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Red State SE US
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

Re the money, I've got a signed promissory note and beaucoup emails about it. If I have to go to court to get his wages garnished, I suppose I could. But first I'm just going to ask him. I haven't decided if it's better to email or call ... as in what would be more likely to produce a good outcome.

This morning I got up at 5am to join my teammates in a marathon relay, and I ran 10K. Those of you who are runners, I salute you. Those of you who are Crossfitters that only run when it's on the whiteboard, you are my kin. But nonetheless I did it.

So busy day today, and busy week. The gaping hole is really going to show itself next weekend. He was supposed to arrive this Friday and stay for a week. It also kind of messes up the holiday season since all of my travel plans - or lack thereof - were predicated on him being here. Ugh.

I do find myself wondering what the hell a little bit. But you all are right, if he'd do this now, how much worse would it be over time? A lot worse.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
justabrokendream
Member
Member # 3075
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

Here's hoping that you don't get sucked in again. I made a mistake with a verbally, bordering on physically abusive man that almost cost me my relationship with my son.

Sometimes our loneliness makes us not see straight....


Posts: 306 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: CA
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

(((cayc)))

Have been meaning to stop by and give you hugs but was struggling on what else to say.

You've got this.

You survived and thrived after what your terrible XWH did to you.

This guy didn't inflict a fraction of the damage that XWH did.

You'll survive and thrive again. You'll learn new lessons, improve yourself even more, and someday you will find a fabulous guy who is worthy of you.

I know it still hurts in the meantime, but you've got this. Promise.

As for calling vs. e-mail -- I'd e-mail so you have a record of it and so that you're not tempted to listen to his excuses if he happens to be sober when you call. And if he's not sober, you wouldn't want to talk to him anyone. Keep it in writing and unemotional. Best of luck!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3402 | Registered: Dec 2011
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

I'm sorry your relationship had to implode, but even though it's weird to say so, I'm glad it imploded so spectacularly. This way there can be no waivering on your part. He's shown you his flaws, and IMO, they're insurmountable. You dodged a bunch of bullets with just a flesh wound.

(((((cayc)))))


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20278 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

(((Cayc)))

Glad you found out sooner than later, shame you had to in such a horrendous way.

I'm with everyone else on their advice. Stay true to yourself.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 623 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, October 21st (Monday)

I'm sorry this happened to you, cayc.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2601 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

So gonnabe knows me really well ... she was on the money that I hear what this guy said and start thinking "well hmm ... maybe I was too stressed out and got him going" as in "maybe I caused his napalm attack".

I know it's not true. But it hits at that same place xWH used to get on me for, not being loving enough and constantly flattering him and telling him he was awesome. This guy obviously needed to be hearing something to stay calm and idk what it was but I fret I didn't do it. This is absurd thinking I know but that's where my mind goes.

I'm kind of all over the place about this. Sad. Lonely. Stunned still. And then I think, this is the kind of thing you are SUPPOSED to reject people for and why is that not automatic for me? Can you imagine? I should have rejected xWH early on for similar stunts and didn't, so this is my re-do. I should be rejoicing. Instead I just feel old and washed up.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

well cayc, it sounds like you've learned something, as in REALLY learned it, about you.

this is the kind of thing you are SUPPOSED to reject people for

yessirree, it sure is.

I think it's very hard for people like us who CARE about others and who ENJOY treating others well, to step back and realize, you don't HAVE TO. It's a choice. You can choose to let him have his mantrum and to be fully responsible for his mantrum all by himself, and to fix whatever caused his mantrum inside him, all by himself. It's not your job to be responsible for his insides.

I think we grew up with people who said things like "You make me feel so HAPPY/SAD/ANGRY when you do .... " and we internalized that is if we have the power to control other people's feelings by doing something for/to them.

And so we feel responsible for how the other person feels and acts and is.... it's all our fault.

NOT.

He has anger issues and a temper and his default is to lash out and blame others.

That has nothing to do with you, even though his lashing out was at you and was painful, it really isn't about you and it also isn't your responsibility to deal with it.

Good riddance. Now, the lesson is you CAN let someone have their own shit back.

Sometimes we have to experience the same mistake a few times before we are able to see the mistake BEFORE we make it again. No, it's not automatic. It's conscious, which IMO is better.



BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1220 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Spirit13
Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

cayc,

I'm really sorry...:-(

try not to think of him as a gaping hole. Try to think of him as a big clog in the pipe of your life that you finally got cleared out! Now the path to what you are meant to do... is free flowing and open. As long as he was there - you were never going to get to where you were meant to be.

(and we all know what gunk it is that clogs up pipes....)


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I think the fear, for me, is fear that I simply attract/am attracted to, the wrong kinda guy. I seem to attract the "unavailable guys" and that haunts me a little. My parents were great, but not emotionally...present. I married a man who was great...but not emotionally present with me. My only SO post D was emotionally unavailable.

So, the fear of repeating a pattern is scary. Now I try really hard to fight for a better partner for myself. I have less patience for bullshit.

So, I get the fear of feeling like you did something "wrong", but you really just gotta focus on finding something "right".

Mourn the loss of the "coulda been" and focus on getting back out there and trying again

This time, a tad bit wiser than before!


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4181 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Topic Posts: 46