Topic: Does the pain fade or do you just think about it less?
Member # 40674
| Posted: 11:45 AM, October 19th (Saturday)|
I'm in early R but really want it. Fwh is doing everything right. But I'm in agony whenever I think about him with her. Does that searing pain ever fade?
Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...
"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."
Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Member # 38805
| Posted: 11:54 AM, October 19th (Saturday)|
Yes, it does, at least it has for me. I think I have gone over details so much, gone over the betrayal and the pain, that the impact of it is less painful as time goes on. I still sometimes have my breath taken by it- but much, much less often now.
1 month EA/PA (no sex) with our best friend 5 months after we got married. She sang at our wedding.
Status: trying R
Posts: 297 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 40769
| Posted: 12:06 PM, October 19th (Saturday)|
Yes it does. Definitely.
The more we talked, the easier it got. With each talk, each rage, each breakdown, the pain got easier and easier to deal with. And the pain was always a little different- some was rage filled, some was such deep sadness, some was heart wrenching betrayal- it changed constantly.
Now it is a dull ache, an ever present piece of my mind- but now instead of being a giant mess of scattered soul and feelings in my head, it is now more organized, filed in a manner that I can access bits of it as I need to. And I do need to- its just that now I have a little better control over it.
i can just look at the box as a whole, or open it up and just take certain pieces out.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way- it is just awful- but you will be strong and the pain will get better. I promise.
Hugs and strength to you.
Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
14 years- 2 middle school children
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC
Posts: 470 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Member # 19197
| Posted: 3:18 PM, October 19th (Saturday)|
For me, the pain definitely fades over time. There are just a couple of memories, out of hundreds!, that can really pierce me now, and even those are short-lived. I do still think of it regularly, but it's kind of like background noise in that it is usually below my notice, but then flashes through when I am not busy or occupied. Those flashes don't come with much if any emotion, however.
Marathonwaseasy, the soul-rending agony sometimes feels like you simply can't stand one more second of it, but I promise you that that will fade. Hang in there.
[This message edited by lostworld at 3:19 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.
Posts: 776 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 18429
| Posted: 3:24 PM, October 19th (Saturday)|
It absolutely fades! Almost 6 years on now, and I hardly ever do think of it. When I do, it's just a flash in the pan and then it's gone. And when I talk about it, like with H or counselors or whatnot, I don't even tear up anymore. It has now become a part of our history, and not this horrible thing that I am going through anymore.
DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10
Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Member # 34671
| Posted: 3:29 PM, October 19th (Saturday)|
As everyone else has said...it does get better with time. Each month got better then each year. I'm not to the point that I don't think about it but that intense pain has all but gone away. If a drop of pain comes with a thought...it doesn't linger but moves out pretty quickly. Give it time...that along with a remorseful spouse is key.
Me - BS 54
H - WS 56/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 21
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic
Posts: 264 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Member # 31240
| Posted: 6:35 PM, October 19th (Saturday)|
If you feel your feelings and let them go, yes, the pain leaves your body and your mind. The pain becomes a memory.
The most physically painful thing I've experienced is an infected root canal. I can remember that 2 shots of novocaine did nothing to reduce the hurt. I remember a whole lot about the experience, and I remember I was in excruciating pain, but I don't remember the actual pain itself....
[This message edited by sisoon at 6:36 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]
FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.
Posts: 8536 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 18179
| Posted: 8:32 PM, October 19th (Saturday)|
Both; the latter happened first for me. On really, really rare occasions now (I'm talking maybe once, for a couple hours maximum, every 6-8 months), I can get hit by strong emotions, but when that has happened it's generally been anger, not sadness-type pain.
I remember it felt like I'd NEVER get to a point where it wasn't agony...it's gradual. I do remember clearly thinking, "wow, I haven't sobbed today!" when I hit that milestone.
Now I recollect those horrible days with a bit of a detachment. Like I remember the where and when, but my memory is almost like that of an observer.
It's part of the mourning process; think of grieving for someone close to you....
Hang in there; you'll get through this. (((Marathonwaseasy)))
[This message edited by sad12008 at 8:34 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]
"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment
Posts: 3704 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
|Topic Posts: 8|| |