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User Topic: Struggling today, need encouraging words
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

I've made it halfway through the 30 days of NC, and I'm struggling today. I'm wanting to contact him really badly right now, for two reasons. The first reason is that I miss him alot. I'm going out of town to visit a college friend, and we are going to the state fair tonight. It was something I had wanted to do with him, so I think I'm almost feeling more depressed going with her than if I was just staying home alone.

The second reason is that I'm really starting to worry about how he is doing. It's the halfway mark, and I'm worried that he is starting to feel rejected. I know he tends to do stupid stuff when he feels rejected. So there's a big part of me that wants to contact him to try to prevent that. But I keep telling myself that I can't control him. I'm really starting to see the codependency issues in my thinking. It's hard though. Even knowing this stuff rationally, I'm dealing with this tight feeling in my chest and alot of anxiety/fear.

Just having a hard day.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 2:46 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2013
Almost12Years
Member
Member # 34861
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

I understand - I've got some codependency issues I became aware of after DDay. I think you're doing the right thing by doing NC, but totally understand how hard it is. One thing that helped me in those moments was to journal a LOT - including writing letters to my now FWH. I never ended up giving them to him, but it was very therapeutic to get whatever I wanted to say out, even if it was written. Maybe try that and see if it helps?


Me - BW (38). Him - FWS (35)
College sweethearts
M - 13 years; together 16
DD (9) and DS (7)
Blindsided by confession on 2/17/12
6+ mo. EA/2x PA

Putting the pieces back together, day by day. Hardest thing I've ever done.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Feb 2012
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

Yeah, I've been keeping a journal and writing him probably 2-3 letters each day. It helps a little, but not much.

When he's felt alone and unwanted in the past, he's slept with other women. I suspect he's feeling that way now. Writing him letters that he's not reading helps with my anger, but doesn't fix my fear. I keep telling myself though that contacting him would only be a temporary fix. It might prevent him from having sex with someone tonight, but it wouldn't fix things in the long term. He has to figure out how to deal with those feelings without seeking affection from other women, that's the only way I will be able to feel safe in the future. But, there's still this part of me that just wants to control what happens now, and I could do that by contacting him. I think NC is forcing me to relinquish control, and it's scary.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2013
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

Why do you keep posting things like this knowing that he reads SI to watch what you are doing? Why didn't we get through to you last time that contacting him passively via SI is still contact? If you want to maintain NC, then don't publicly post about all these letters you write to him daily and how much you miss him and blah blah blah. Post about how you are feeling, post about yourself, but stop giving him information on here. You're not half way through NC, you are back at day 1 again, for the second time.

But then again, what do we know.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

Look at it this way. . . if he feels rejected and doesn't do anything out of line then he passed a hurdle and it shows he committed. If 15 days without you makes him want or causes him to find something wrong to do, then sooner or later you would be separating anyway.

You are doing the right thing. I know this is hard for you. Hang in there. Be strong. I am very proud of you (((Lonelygirl10)))


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

I'm sorry, I thought I was posting about my feelings. I can't talk about him with my real friends at all, so this is where I post when I'm feeling alone.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2013
Trying2013
New Member
Member # 41024
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

Lonely -

I understand how you feel. We are not in NC, but we have taken time apart and it kills me to not see him. It's hard to not know how someone you care about is doing, and there is nothing wrong with that. But as some of the others said, if he can take this time to find another way to deal with his emotions, then when the 30 days is up, there is a chance for the relationship to move forward. If, after cheating and NC, he still chooses to deal with the same methods, then he is not ready to change and move forward. I know that is a scary thought but it is true.

I want so badly to see him (I refuse to call him my ex bc I have hope that, with time apart, he will be ready to work for us), but we are still talking. I called him this morning and we had a long talk and it was just then that we decided to take time away from each other. We have texted a little this afternoon. Certain things have not changed, we are still using our nicknames. I find some comfort in that. But how am I to know that he will not do something with someone else during this away time? I don't. What I can hope will happen is that after he has really had time alone/with his close friends to look at what his actions have caused, my being gone, that he will make the decision to fix his shit. This may not happen. Just as with you, if it doesn't, it probably never will.
If a cheating situation cannot shock someone into realizing they need to fix themselves and are at risk of losing someone they love because of it, then a few weeks away won't do it.

I really feel like we are feeling the same right now. I am here whenever you need me. (Trying to get my 50 posts so I can PM as well. If you would like to talk more, I can try to contact you when I make it)


Patience is the key to joy

Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2013
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

You're going to be ok. It's really really hard in the beginning, but it won't always feel like this.

(((Lg10)))


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 16968 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, October 21st (Monday)

I can't talk about him with my real friends at all,

Gently, what happened to Authenticity in your life?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, October 21st (Monday)

Gently, didn't you have email contact a week or so ago? For your own good, you need to reset the clock. NC will get easier over time.

So far, your experience has given you some good insights. That's a big win.

In this thread, you've expressed a lot of thoughts, not feelings, and the thoughts are where the problems are. Keep thinking about 4 feelings - glad, mad, sad, scared. (Maybe love is a 5th feeling.) Anything else - missing someone, worrying, for examples - is a thought.

IIRC, the NC is for you to find yourself. It's not a test for your bf. It's not a test for you.

Reset the start date of NC at least to the last email exchange. Reset your thinking. Focus on your feelings.

You got through college, law school, and the bar exam. Sure, this is harder, but you can do it.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9982 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, October 21st (Monday)

Gently, what happened to Authenticity in your life?

I'm not lying to my friends about still being with him, but my friends have reached the point to where they don't want to talk about it with me. They know what I'm doing, and they disagree with me. They know that their advice isn't being listened to, so they just prefer to not discuss it. It makes sense to me, and I don't blame them. But it does cause me to feel very alone.

In this thread, you've expressed a lot of thoughts, not feelings, and the thoughts are where the problems are. Keep thinking about 4 feelings - glad, mad, sad, scared. (Maybe love is a 5th feeling.) Anything else - missing someone, worrying, for examples - is a thought.

I'm feeling sad and scared. I feel little bursts of anger sometimes, but it quickly passes. I can't hold on to the anger for some reason.

I feel sad when I think about everything that has happened. I feel scared when I think of the future.

I feel frustrated at myself sometimes. I'm trying hard to find my own voice again, but the feeling scared takes over a lot.

I like being in control of my life. I plan things months in advance. I'm very much a Type A personality. And right now I feel like I have zero control over what happens. He will either be there at the end of the month, or he won't. I can't control that, and it makes me feel scared.

I did talk to my best friend a little this weekend when I saw her, and she said that she's noticed that I blame myself when my relationships start having problems. She said that with my prior ex, I started questioning my own values when I found out that his values were different, and that I worried too much that I was the person that needed to change. Right now I'm worrying that I'm being unreasonable by insisting on this month apart. I know logically that I'm not, and I keep telling myself that. He cheated and lied, and me asking for time to think is reasonable. But I can feel myself falling into that old pattern of thinking where I'm questioning whether I'm being unreasonable by insisting on this, and whether I'm hurting him. I know those are thoughts instead of feelings. It's just the stuff that I'm struggling with right now.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 7:11 PM, October 21st (Monday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, October 21st (Monday)

Gently....read and own every word that Sisoon posted to this thread.

Especially pay attention to the re-start you must do when you break contact. I think it would be good for you to consider posting here about how much you miss him as breaking NC and re-start from there.

Not saying stop posting....keep posting!...just don't post about how much you miss him or how much you are struggling without him. Trust me, there are many men who would appreciate your strengths and beauty....I am confident that when you complete 30 days of NC, you will own that thought for yourself and will be in a much healthier spot.

Sisoon gave me similar advice....I have used this method several times when I am trying to change a bad habit. The extra pressure you will feel...the idea that if you repeat a bad habit (in this case breaking NC) you have effectively wasted all the pain you had as you held out from doing that bad habit before....will be a strong motivator to staying the course.

You are stronger then you think....give yourself a chance, lean into the discomfort as long as you can...then lean into it a bit more.

It works!

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:49 PM, October 21st (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3609 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, October 21st (Monday)

The second reason is that I'm really starting to worry about how he is doing. It's the halfway mark, and I'm worried that he is starting to feel rejected. I know he tends to do stupid stuff when he feels rejected. So there's a big part of me that wants to contact him to try to prevent that. But I keep telling myself that I can't control him.

First, he is a big boy...he can take care of himself. He made a stupid decision when he chose adultery, apparently he has made others too. I hope he can find healthy ways to deal with rejection...it is going to happen again.

Second...not sure this is controlling him...more like mothering him. I see your strength in your posts. I suspect you have taken care of him way more then he has taken care of you....perhaps more of a parent-child marriage then a parent-parent one?

It took me about 6 months post-DD to find that I have codependency-like issues. Talked about it in IC, have a couple of books to read soon on this. You are progressing well in many areas....keep it up!

Perhaps you can find a regular distraction to focus on...Wednesday night coffee with a friend, Saturday trip to the Zoo....something that helps you develop a new pattern of living?

Peace be with you.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3609 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, October 21st (Monday)

How have *you* changed during NC?

Remember these questions?

IC asked if I think I deserve to be happy.

Do you deserve to be happy and deserve a healthy relationship?

There's a part of me that wants to take a month alone just to clear my head and find myself again. My IC asked me yesterday, at our normal session, to make a list of the things I like about myself. I burst into tears because I couldn't think of a single thing. For the past 9 months, I have been clingy, needy, pessimistic, unfocused, and just not a fun person. I used to be optimistic, and always saw the positive in people. I used to be a fun person. I used to be focused and motivated at work. I told my IC that I felt like that girl died. I want her back. I want that version of myself back. I feel selfish saying this, but I don't know how to heal myself and find peace when I'm always worrying about WS's emotions.

Have you made the list of things you like about yourself, LG10?

Even now, I don't think he knows the real me. I made a comment the other day that I couldn't think of anything in IC that I like about myself right now.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, October 21st (Monday)

No, I haven't made that list yet. I've thought about it, but I've been feeling too depressed.

I've avoided drinking at all since the night of my birthday when I asked for NC. I had a couple of glasses of wine tonight alone though, and I'm feeling really depressed. Every single guy that I've dated has cheated on me. I don't understand why I'm never enough. All I want is to be enough. I thought I had finally found a guy where I was enough, and then he slept with two other girls. I feel broken. Most of the time I stuff the feelings down so that I can function in my life, but right not it just hurts so much. I feel so sad.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I don't understand why I'm never enough. All I want is to be enough
.

(((lonelygirl10)))

...you are growing, you have the courage you need....you will realize that you ARE enough that you have been enough all along.

The decision to commit adultery has nothing to do with you. Think about your relationships....think about how you felt in them. I am confident you will, like I did, find that you were not fully satisfied, that you had needs that went unmet, things that you did not request of your mate for a variety of reasons (FOO issues that keep us from being authentic, expressing our needs honestly, giving our mates a chance to meet those needs and NOT hurt us when we vulnerably put them out there).....and yet you did not cheat.

I am sorry to hear you struggle so hard. I pray your spouse will fully own that his decisions came from within him and he actively seeks to grow in the areas he needs to.

Growth is painful...but it is good.

I have found that when I am experiencing a tremendous amount of pain....a fair amount of growth is the result.

I still don't think it is a fair relationship....the pain seems tremendous at times with an average amount of growth being the result. But even a little growth can nudge us down the path to a healthier way of living....almost like a little nudge at the top of a slight hill can actually move us further then the power used during that initial nudge....KWIM?

Hang in there girl....you are courageous....you are enough.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:32 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3609 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Thanks Blake. I'm back to feeling decent again this morning. Yesterday was just a rough day for me. I have IC today too, so hopefully that will help.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2013
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

so... have you reset the clock?

I feel really confused about why you post here. It's like you come on and post diatribe and when anyone actually gives you advice you don't take it.

I don't think you want anything to change really. Because this NC is pathetic, and you aren't doing any work on yourself.

I mean seriously? What's the point in all of this.

eta; this NC probably in my view has done more harm then good. You've just portrayed yourself as a weak pathetic individual that can't keep her word. Congratulations.

Woman the fuck up for fucks sake. I have a million things to do but instead because I actually care about you I have been looking for your posts in the past few days and updates. Where is your ticker hey? Where's your bitch boots? Stop being so DEFEATIST

Waste of my time. I understand how your friends feel

[This message edited by lauren123 at 6:40 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I'm not sure how to respond...

I know I have a lot of issues to work through, but don't we all on here? I don't think I've read a single post from someone who has it all figured out. We're all struggling. That's why people post here. I'm definitely not perfect, and I've made a lot of mistakes.

I am working on myself though. I'm in counseling, and I'm reading books. I'm working my way through a book on setting boundaries, and working through another book on co-dependency. In IC today, my counselor gave me another book on seeing your inner child. She wants me to start working through my FOO issues, so I will be starting that book too.

I listen to the advice on here. The advice on here is what caused me to wake up and see the patterns in my relationships. The advice on here is what caused me to see that I do struggle with codependency and boundary issues. I have listened to all the advice on here, but I've also made my own decisions about what I'm ready to do in my own time frame. I agree with a lot of the advice on here rationally. But advice is always easier to give than it is to take, and I still struggle a lot with the issues in my life.

Change is hard. I feel like I'm fighting every day to change myself. It feels like an uphill battle, and I'm trying.

I have never ended a relationship in my entire life. I have never asked for NC in my entire life. Me asking for 30 days of NC is a big deal for me and shows a great deal of change, even if I haven't been perfect with it. It's the first time I've ever stood up for myself and demanded that a guy treat me better. And I've only replied to him ONCE during the whole time. Yes, I'm reacting to the things that he says and struggling with my own set of issues on SI, but I don't see how I've been weak or pathetic. To me, being weak and pathetic would be me asking him to come over, which I've considered doing several times. But I haven't because I'm NOT weak and pathetic.

I'm sorry that you feel like I'm a waste of your time.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 9:35 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2013
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

You have to put the education in action. No-one has it all figured out, exactly. But I think, as many other posters has stated it is not a good idea to post this all on SI.

You should PM someone that you think will treat you with compassion but will also guide you.

You need to implement these strategies.

You're still communicating to him whilst in 'no contact' by posting all of this stuff

so how is that 'no contact'! There has been many times I have not taken posters advice. But I then say what i've done instead and what my plans are. Then I implement those plans generally tailored to the advice.

If you need to tell people how you feel, put it in your journal. PM someone. DO other things than post it on a website which he frequents.

You are making it WORSE for yourself by saying you will do one thing

then do the complete other.

I don't understand why you don't get this, you are undermining yourself.

Jeesh if you had sent me a PM a few days ago I would of responded very differently then to how I would of now. Because it shows that you are actually implementing very reasonable and sound advice.

The reset button of NC does NOTHING if you don't start thinking about what you want to do when NC is finished. If you are that's great, I don't see harm in posting that up and getting a range of opinions. But all of us can only go on what you post.

You are not showing that when you say something you mean it.

I honestly don't really care that youve never broken up with someone before. That's neither here or there. Whilst I would think it's better not to be in a relationship with a stalker, that's neither here or there. What matters is what you can do in your role of this relationship. Not his role. What can you do to ensure you're safe, what can you do to ensure that if hey he does cheat on you again that you know if you will accept it or not.

etc etc

what boundaries are you going to implement? Do you believe in giving him consequences (that's totally up to you, I give mine consequences, others disagree with that philosophy). DO you want to meet with his IC?

etc
etc
etc

I know you're sad but you're being completely defeatist. I'm being as harsh on you as other posters were on me, no more and no less.

It is a waste of your time btw reading these books etc if you've not got a strategy in implementing them.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Of course I'm thinking about what to do at the end of the 30 days. Of course I have a plan. Of course I'm making a list of what boundaries I want to set.

I can't post those things online because he reads my posts. If I put that I need him to do XYZ or that I need him to say XYZ, then he'll know exactly what to say and do at the end of the 30 days, and I won't know what's real and what's not real. That's why I don't post those things on here.

I post on here that I'm sad. I'm sure that's no big surprise to him reading that. Of course I'm sad. I don't feel like that's communicating with him because I assume he already knows that.

You say I sound defeatist. I spend every day putting on a strong face and being confident. I make harsh decisions all day in my job, and I pretend to be confident and have my act together around my friends. And when I come home, yeah, I fall apart a little bit. And I use SI to do that with. I saw it as my safe place to let my guard down and show my fears and my vulnerabilities.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2013
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

It is very sad though

I'm feeling sad and scared. I feel sad when I think about everything that has happened. I feel scared when I think of the future.

Most of the time I stuff the feelings down so that I can function in my life, but right not it just hurts so much. I feel so sad.

I'm sad. I'm sure that's no big surprise to him reading that. Of course I'm sad.

Why are you sad?
What are you doing to change that, and pull yourself out of sadness?

IMHO, it's not any man's role to make you happy. (But it is your partner's responsibility NOT to emotionally abuse you.)


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I don't understand why I'm never enough. All I want is to be enough.

From another CoDep here to another, you are MORE then enough. Far more. You do TOO much. When someone is codep they see love as them doing everything for someone else, then what happens is we enable their behavior to continue. We somehow think it is up to us to make them better.

I say this next thing with true compassion: The reason why they cheat on you is because you pick them. Over and over again. You seek out the same type and then wonder why you are so sad and loney and hurt.

Keep working on NC. Please don't look at the end of the month as your 30 days. The clock actually re started when you both made contact last week. You seriously need to start from that day and go back out 30 days.

Again, from one codep to another you need to really work at the phrase 'fake it until you make it'. Meaning listen to your IC and listen to your friends and do what they tell you even if it does not FEEL good to you. Breaking old habits should hurt and they should not feel good at first. Your pain and sadness is a part of learning to detach from people who harm you and treat you horribly. You have learned somewhere in your past to accept this type of person. You need to learn to accept yourself first, believe in yourself. Believe that you don't need a man to make you happy. In fact I would go as far as telling you to not have any relationships with men for awhile until you can take some time to heal yourself.


Posts: 5632 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
WoundedOpus
Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

NC means no mental contact as well, I'd say your 30 days should start over again today.

All of the IC appointments and reading in the world won't do any good if you're not working to implement them.

Very gently...based on what you're posting, I wouldn't take you seriously if I were him. Worried that he'll feel like a victim, get lonely/angry/resentful and run off and do it again? He just might. I don't doubt that he thinks this is all for show with no follow through, a punishment if you will. And why wouldn't he, he's reading every word you write here. It probably comes across as you punishing him for a set period of time (like grounding), with a stern talking to coming at the end, all in an attempt to make him be a good boy.

I know you need to post, and I think you should. BUT Anything other than, Boy this is hard, but _(here's my list of all of the POSITIVES of NC)_, is self-defeating.

I get that this is so hard, I really do. I've been CD for so long I didn't know any other way even existed any more. It takes WORK, very very HARD WORK to change. In my reading I've come across a type of CBT called REBT that strongly suggest you look into.

Good luck L10, all of the hard work will be worth it!


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
WoundedOpus
Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Tried to send you a PM with a link but it says you've reached your capacity. Let me know if you're interested, I truly believe it could be useful.


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Again, from one codep to another you need to really work at the phrase 'fake it until you make it'.

That's what I do during the daytime hours. I fake being happy and confident and everything. My inner thoughts and feelings are so much different than that though. When I say my inner thoughts, I'm told that I'm weak and pathetic. Maybe I am. I feel like I've been made progress, even though it's small. I don't want to see myself as weak and pathetic, but maybe I am. It felt like a slap in the face to read that last night. But maybe it's true. After all, I still love someone who cheated on me with two other girls and lied for months. Maybe that does make me weak and pathetic.

Very gently...based on what you're posting, I wouldn't take you seriously if I were him. Worried that he'll feel like a victim, get lonely/angry/resentful and run off and do it again? He just might. I don't doubt that he thinks this is all for show with no follow through, a punishment if you will. And why wouldn't he, he's reading every word you write here. It probably comes across as you punishing him for a set period of time (like grounding), with a stern talking to coming at the end, all in an attempt to make him be a good boy.

That was not the purpose of me doing this at all. I wasn't punishing him. I was trying to enact the things that I was reading in my boundaries book. My book says that you can't control other people, but you can control whether or not you will be in the situation with that other person. I interpreted that to mean that I can't control him lying to me repeatedly, but I can control me being with someone who lies to me repeatedly. I asked him repeatedly to tell me the truth, and he looked me in the eyes and continued to lie. When I found out all the new stuff on my birthday, I told him I was done. I told him that I couldn't be with someone who lied repeatedly. Then I thought about it more, and decided to try to give him one last chance to wake up out of the fog by doing 30 days NC instead. I wasn't trying to punish him. I was trying to protect myself and do the things that I was reading in my book. I guess I screwed up by saying NC instead, but I wasn't ready to just end it completely. I'm still not ready to do that. I still have hope that maybe this did wake him up, and it'll be different when we start talking again. I've read so many stories on here about how the WS wakes up out of the fog after the BS initiates NC or whatever. So I was actually trying to take what I was reading on SI and use it for my situation.

I've cleared out my PMs.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2013
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I get the importance of being able to post about being sad. It's a good way to process your feelings.

BTW, if you just say you're sad or glad or mad or scared, I want to support you, no questions. If you say you're sad because you miss you're cheating, emotionally abusive Bf, I'm not so sure how to support you ATM.

I think WoundedOpus makes a lot of sense.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9982 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I still have hope that maybe this did wake him up, and it'll be different when we start talking again.

How are *you* different, LG?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I thought I was different by demanding respect for the first time and actually walking away. I know I haven't done NC perfectly since I've posted on here still, but I haven't called, texted, or seen him even though he has pushed a lot of my triggers with the things he said to me. My gut reaction is always to soothe my partner by taking care of my partner and telling my partner how great they are. Put their feelings before my own. When he sent me a message saying he felt unloved, my gut reaction was to tell him all the good things about him. But I bit my tongue and kept my silence. That's how I see that I've changed. I know I still have a long way to go, but I think I've made some progress.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2013
WoundedOpus
Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I know it's not what you're TRYING to do, but I think it's a safe bet though that HE sees it this way.

I understand completely hoping and trying to do things to 'wake them up', but it won't work. Not because separating yourself is wrong, but because you're doing it for the wrong reasons. Sure it works sometimes for others, but the difference here is HUGE. He's reading your posts! Others on SI who had your mind set may have gotten the result that they wanted, but I'd bet it was because their WS BELIEVED what they were saying because they didn't have a front row seat into what they were actually doing and feeling.

It appears that your NC request was made because in the face of his lies, you couldn't enforce the boundary you'd set, weren't quite sure what to do but needed something fairly drastic compared to what you've done before. Then it just becomes this arbitrary waiting period until things go back to normal (what ever normal is at this point). Sure, you'll see your IC, read some books, all good things, but because you didn't do it for the right reasons it will most likely fail.

Please believe I'm not trying to be mean, I've done my fair share of this, and it's mindfuckery to be sure.

I know many of us sound harsh, it's only because we're trying to offer you support in the form of some tough love.

I wouldn't keep coming back to post and PM you if I didn't TRULY UNDERSTAND what you're going through. It's like I'm talking to the younger version of myself...I feel compelled to shake you and talk some sense into you, BEFORE you find yourself married to this asshole (or some other asshole) with a mortgage, 5 kids and 10 more years of killing yourself! I'd post to you more often but the 5 kids and my own asshole take up a ton of my time.

One day, after you do all the hard work required to get out of this mess and get healthy, you'll realize that you ARE enough. Once that happens, you'll stop picking men that will hurt you, you'll find a good man that will see who you are, will value and appreciate that...hopefully you'll be smart enough to spend a long long time with yourself learning to value and appreciate yourself first.

Right now, you're not only picking men that will hurt you and not only staying with men that will hurt you, you're holding on to them for dear life, bending over backwards, jumping through hoops and killing yourself to make sure they stay with you as well. There is nothing healthy about this, you need an intervention!

((L10)) I'll send you that PM now


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I told him that I couldn't be with someone who lied repeatedly.

This says one thing but, this

decided to try to give him one last chance

says quite another.
How many "one last chances" does he get before you really mean it?

I still have hope that maybe this did wake him up, and it'll be different when we start talking again.

Gently, you need to stop waiting for him to wake up and be this person you have imagined him to be. The one who really needs to wake up is you. You have lost other important relationships because you refuse to accept that you are wrong about this guy. He barely has time to pull the knife out of your bleeding heart before you make yourself believe that he deserves another chance.

There is no shame in admitting that you were fooled. The shame is in denying it.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 714 | Registered: Apr 2013
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

How many "one last chances" does he get before you really mean it?

I don't know... It's something I've always struggled with. I never know when to give up. When I love someone, I always commit myself fully to it. I always keep thinking that people can change, that they can be better. I don't know how to know when that point is where you know that someone's not going to change, and I've never wanted to give up on someone.

I hate having the what ifs in my head. I've always stayed in relationships until the guy ends it because at least then I can tell myself that I did everything I could to make it work. That it wasn't my fault. That there wasn't something more I could have done to make it better.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2013
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

One day, after you do all the hard work required to get out of this mess and get healthy, you'll realize that you ARE enough.

That's the change I hope you want for yourself, LG.

I don't know how to know when that point is where you know that someone's not going to change, and I've never wanted to give up on someone.

That's a GREAT place to start! Find your power. Explore *your* list of dealbreakers, because the relationships are two-sided. Give and take. And when all that's given is a shit sandwich, you will have the power to refuse the shit and walk away with your head held high (instead of waiting for him to dump you.)


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I know what my deal breakers are in theory, but I think most people on here probably thought infidelity was a deal breaker until it happened to them.

I guess my main deal breaker now is lying. I can handle if someone makes a mistake or does something inconsiderate, as long as there is honesty about it.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2013
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

(((lonely)))

The person you choose to be with you for life should compliment you and where you are going in life.
You should make you happy. Your partner is just dessert


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3186 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I know what my deal breakers are in theory, but I think most people on here probably thought infidelity was a deal breaker until it happened to them.

Not theory. Reality.
OW#1 was NOT a dealbreaker.
OW#2 was NOT a dealbreaker.
Would you be willing to sign a legal contract that 3 OW is a personal dealbreaker, and a consequence for bringing OW into your relationships is ending your relationship?

I guess my main deal breaker now is lying. I can handle if someone makes a mistake or does something inconsiderate, as long as there is honesty about it.

OK, let's take a look at LYING as a dealbreaker:

Two weeks ago he got a call about a job interview. I asked him if he had applied for the position, and he responded that he had several months ago but was just now hearing back. In his email today, I saw an email from September 18th where he submitted his résumé and a letter of recommendation for the position, and then he got the call for the interview a couple days later. Soooo... Why the lie to me about not applying? My theory was because the email said he was told about the position from his old boss, who knew about and encouraged the A with coworker. He no longer works there, and told me yesterday that he hasn't talked to they man in months. So I emailed him about what I found. He responded with this stuff about how he didn't consider that applying since he didn't do an application. Also said he hasn't talked to the boss, and that was a lie to the company since they know his old boss. Several emails later with me breaking the questions up, he says that he didn't tell me about the resume because he thought it would cause an argument. And gave me two reasons why he thought that. Finally. The truth. I should have stopped there, but I tried to then make him see why I ask so many questions in order to get the full truth. His response: You asked me a question. I answered it. To you it may look like I was lying. To me, I answered your question, and then you asked another. This is why I said "Semantics" earlier. To me........I don't consider it "applying" for a job.

If he said this today, how would you respond?

[This message edited by ladies_first at 1:59 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Yes, I would walk away completely if he cheated again at this point. I know that 100%. I found out about the two women at the same time, so I guess I've always lumped them together. They were the fool me "once", shame on you. If it happened again, I would have to walk away.

If I found out that there was a third woman from the past, I'm not sure.

The lying example you brought up... I don't know. That was a lie he admitted to later, but alot of the time I struggle with knowing whether its a lie or I'm being too suspicious. If I knew he was lying, I'd walk away. If I suspected but didn't have proof, if probably feel crazy and stay. Probably not the best response, but it's honest.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2013
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Probably not the best response, but it's honest.
I'm not looking for the "perfect response." I'm interested in personal growth: recognizing self-defeating behavior and replacing it with healthier thoughts and choices.

ETA: LonelyGirl10, Have you had any AHA moments since your birthday?

[This message edited by ladies_first at 3:38 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, October 24th (Thursday)


You say I sound defeatist. I spend every day putting on a strong face and being confident. I make harsh decisions all day in my job, and I pretend to be confident and have my act together around my friends. And when I come home, yeah, I fall apart a little bit. And I use SI to do that with. I saw it as my safe place to let my guard down and show my fears and my vulnerabilities.

I know this is a safe place to land for many. I truly understand that. But you need to do this via PMs. You have a stalker for a boyfriend. I don't understand how else to explain this other than putting my personal story to it (which I generally don't like sharing).

I had among other factors, a stalker mother (no drugs though incase you're wondering). Literally stalked me on websites, contacted my friends, followed me in her car etc etc. So what did I do, where I am I had to battle with police to get a restraining order out on her. When it expired, I couldn't get it renewed. You know what? She hasn't been around at ALL since then.

I was completely shocked by this and RESEARCHED why. Why did she stop? It wasn't because she would get arrested anymore, it wasn't because she had a hotshot lawyer on call.

The reason is (based on journal articles, lectures I attended etc) was because there was no fuel anymore. There was literally NO CONTACT Everytime you post on a website where he can see this you are actually re-enforcing this behavior of stalking because there is CONTACT. You are actually saying to him that 'hey, I may say no-contact, but I want you to know I'm missing you so much that I post on a website you are on telling you this. Instead of telling people via personal messages etc'

It may get better initially, but old habits repeat itself. No contact IS extraordinarily hard. And what you are going through is really hard, but what you need to recognise is you aren't doing a full effort at this no-contact.
Do you not have a friend you can stay with for a few nights?

It's great you have a plan, at some point and this is my personal recommendation is that you show this to him if you get back together. Actions have consequences and outlining what they are for me personally, has been a really useful tool.

I can't stress enough, and as other posters have stated. You need to reset the counter until you get it right. And if that means you can only communicate via PMs that may be what you need to do. Perhaps you could (and I have no idea if this is possible btw) PM the mods and explain the situation with your boyfriend and see if there is a way for your posts to be blocked from him seeing them?

I really do worry for you, which is maybe why I've been cranky with you. I do understand why your actions have shown complacency whilst you intend otherwise, I know you are scared, I know that you may not realise but you have been experiencing domestic violence and what that truly means. I'm not going to recommend acting as if this is one of your clients, because you aren't. What I'm really trying to get across to you is that if you say you are going to do something you need to follow through with it. Otherwise it has more detriment if you got back together than if you hadn't tried to put inplace in the first place.

I really recommend staying with a friend, family member etc


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, October 24th (Thursday)


You say I sound defeatist. I spend every day putting on a strong face and being confident. I make harsh decisions all day in my job, and I pretend to be confident and have my act together around my friends. And when I come home, yeah, I fall apart a little bit. And I use SI to do that with. I saw it as my safe place to let my guard down and show my fears and my vulnerabilities.

I know this is a safe place to land for many. I truly understand that. But you need to do this via PMs. You have a stalker for a boyfriend. I don't understand how else to explain this other than putting my personal story to it (which I generally don't like sharing).

I had among other factors, a stalker mother (no drugs though incase you're wondering). Literally stalked me on websites, contacted my friends, followed me in her car etc etc. So what did I do, where I am I had to battle with police to get a restraining order out on her. When it expired, I couldn't get it renewed. You know what? She hasn't been around at ALL since then.

I was completely shocked by this and RESEARCHED why. Why did she stop? It wasn't because she would get arrested anymore, it wasn't because she had a hotshot lawyer on call.

The reason is (based on journal articles, lectures I attended etc) was because there was no fuel anymore. There was literally NO CONTACT Everytime you post on a website where he can see this you are actually re-enforcing this behavior of stalking because there is CONTACT. You are actually saying to him that 'hey, I may say no-contact, but I want you to know I'm missing you so much that I post on a website you are on telling you this. Instead of telling people via personal messages etc'

It may get better initially, but old habits repeat itself. No contact IS extraordinarily hard. And what you are going through is really hard, but what you need to recognise is you aren't doing a full effort at this no-contact.
Do you not have a friend you can stay with for a few nights?

It's great you have a plan, at some point and this is my personal recommendation is that you show this to him if you get back together. Actions have consequences and outlining what they are for me personally, has been a really useful tool.

I can't stress enough, and as other posters have stated. You need to reset the counter until you get it right. And if that means you can only communicate via PMs that may be what you need to do. Perhaps you could (and I have no idea if this is possible btw) PM the mods and explain the situation with your boyfriend and see if there is a way for your posts to be blocked from him seeing them?

I really do worry for you, which is maybe why I've been cranky with you. I do understand why your actions have shown complacency whilst you intend otherwise, I know you are scared, I know that you may not realise but you have been experiencing domestic violence and what that truly means. I'm not going to recommend acting as if this is one of your clients, because you aren't. What I'm really trying to get across to you is that if you say you are going to do something you need to follow through with it. Otherwise it has more detriment if you got back together than if you hadn't tried to put inplace in the first place.

I really recommend staying with a friend, family member etc


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

I stayed with a friend last weekend out of town, and it was somewhat helpful. I don't have any friends at all in the town that I live, and my family all live at least 5 hours away. When I say that I feel alone, I really do mean that. I've gotten involved in different groups designed to meet people, so I try to stay busy that way, I haven't really met anyone that I click with though, so most of my interactions with people are superficial and nothing deep or real.

I'm going to remove myself from SI for awhile. I really do appreciate everyone who has replied to me and tried to help. I guess I've been resistant to leaving SI because I saw it as another thing that his A took from me, and it makes me sad. I'm going to keep going to IC, and she has me doing a book with exercises in it on healing your inner child.

I really do appreciate all the support I've received on here. Thank you.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2013
smile_it_helps
Member
Member # 17569
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

Lonelygirl why leave SI? You can be real here.

Post in other areas about other things but keep the support.


me bs
him fws
19 years
OW was my best friend
2 amazing kids
finding happiness again
separation 12/27/07
let him come back 3/25/08
Just had our 25th anniversary.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jan 2008
Topic Posts: 42