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Reconciliation
User Topic: Marital spats with the A taunting me in the corner
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

I woke up sad today. Who knows....maybe bc D-Day is approaching and bc of that I find it easier to go, "last year at this time...."

Anyway, I was sad and felt quiet and I reminded myself that this was okay. H had gone out the night before with the guys and woke up with our son for hockey. It was going to be a carefree day. He asked me if we all wanted to go to the homecoming football game. I declined. I wanted to work out, hang out at home. Again, I was not in a social mood so engaging with strangers was not high on my list. He always seems to WANT social.

He asked me if I wanted to do something tonight and I said, "well, maybe but I might do an early show on my own". He seemed hurt but honestly...I just wanted some solo time and said this. And hey, an early show puts me back home at 9:30pm.

He mentioned the football game again and I suggested he attend. See some friends who were in town. I guess we should have spoken about how long he would be gone for. He left at 2pm. Then it was 3:30, 4, 4:45 and then its 5:30pm. What the hell?!

I bbm'd asking when he would be home. N/A. I called. N/A but left a msge asking him to be home at 6:15. At 6:10 I get a note saying, "babe, just saw your note - will be home soon!"

He gets home super friendly (few beers). The kids are out. I asked him when he thought he might have come home had I NOT been in touch. "Well, I was going to call..." sputter, sputter....

I was going to call from the bar. WTF? Is four hours not enough? Coupled with last night? Add to that a guys 5 day "weekend" 3 weeks ago?

I asked him to show more respect next time and get in touch. He looks miffed.

He starts making excuse. You know what? I am done with this family and their g/d excuses! They do it constantly. Just say, "Sorry. I could have called at 4pm"

I grab my keys to go. He slams the door and then bbm's me: "That's what it is like to have the door slammed in your face. But you are still up 10:1 in that area."

Really, hon? Yeah. I guess I have slammed a few doors in the past 10 months. You fucking another woman sort of threw me off course! I threw thee A in his face. There. I bolded it. Yeah. Yeah, I know I should take the high road. He should have kept his pants on, no?

I know not everything is about the A and in this case that was true. This is really about old habits. Him getting his guy time and then taking adv. of it and me being at home. Waiting. Waiting.

Our summer was amazing but when he left for the golf weekend, I just lost some respect for him. He knew I didn't want him to go. He still went. He knew screwing someone else was wrong. He still did it. He knew it had to end, it did....two years later!

It's one thing to have these marital spats. But now we have the A poking me in the back when I get pissed off too and I freakin' hate it.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

((((((ka44)))))))

I hear you. It's hard not to 'go there'. I think most of us have done it at one time or another. There is a feeling of 'I shouldn't have to fight for anything after the shit you pulled!" and when they fight back, about anything, the anger just comes flying back. It isn't fair, but it happens. There is a 'how dare YOU' about it, and a part of me will say that there's nothing wrong with that. There absolutely is a feeling of righteousness that the BS feels and, if feeling attacked, will absolutely bring this weapon out.

I think part of it is the insecurity that comes from an A. It's almost like we're saying "you're never getting the best of me again - I will fight back with everything I have against you". Is it an attitude that's great in R? Of course not, but it's more than understandable.

Don't beat yourself up about it. It happened. You have very real concerns about him being gone so much. He should understand that. His ignoring that and staying out longer than normal, and doing things outside of the home day after day, these things are going to cause feelings in you that he probably doesn't want you feeling, but he also doesn't understand how the mind of a BS works. He's never been there.

The problem with bringing the A into every argument is the WS begins to feel that no matter what, they are always going to be 'the cheater' and that they are now a second class citizen in their own marriage. Again, it does happen, and honestly this argument was sparked by feelings that wouldn't exist were it not for his A, so bringing it up is not entirely out of the question. The manner in which it's brought up can make a big difference.

I'm sure you've explained to him how these extended outings cause you to feel. Sometimes, a WS needs a reminder of that. To him, it's been almost a year. To you? It's not even a year. He cheated for 2 years. Less than a year is not really a long time when put in that context.

Again, don't be too hard on yourself. It happens. Just try to remember how you were feeling when it happened and figure out what would have been perhaps a better way of dealing with the situation. The next time you're experiencing those feelings, try to handle it in the more productive way. Is that a guarantee? Nope, but nothing is. If that way doesn't work, try something else.

Remember, it isn't how many times a person falls down - it's how many times they get back up. You can do this. You've already come so far.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1864 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

Thanks for taking the time to respond painfulpast. Right now I am not sure how I could have handled the door slamming comment better. You are right. I did feel attacked and thought, "oh no you didn't just write that did you?" It is a, "how dare you" type of feeling. And afterall, I had said, "go out, have fun!" I felt slapped, twice.

I will have to be more mindful of this "how dare you?" feeling when it comes up and hit delete until I calm myself.

Thanks for your words.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

Maybe I'm just letting my inner bitter bitch take over here but to me it looks like HE brought the affair into it. Your response to his affair anyways. Yeah - I'd be all sorta of pissed off. Sounds like he maybe has some hidden hurt/anger from the fallout he hasn't dealt with. Maybe when you both calm down enough you should talk about that?


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

(((LA44)))

So, not a great moment. I had one too....distracted, frustrating day at work Friday...couldn't hardly finish a sentence.....was leaving town after work with our girls, wife to stay at home this weekend, still not trusting her, she still not sharing as muchof her journey with me as I like.....

Felt guilty for lack of focus at work, missed some goals, spent time on SI at work.....

Wife asked if I wanted to talk.....I could not complete a thought so I passed. She asked 3 more times if I wanted to talk. I told her I could not express myself so I past. It would be nice if she could engage me in a way that has her taking the lead instead of putting the burden on me to carry the conversation....more often then not this leads to me engaging and her getting defensive.

This is what happened at 2 in the morning....the pain was overpowering....I called her.....started to engage.....she got defensive.

Long setup to express I know how you are feeling. We did kinda save it from a total waste.

So today I lost my keys to my truck....which adds to my frustration with myself for my continued lack of concentration. Luckily before I left the house I threw a spare set in the console. So here I sit waiting on AAA to unlock my truck and head home....hope to be in bed around midnight. I am so dang tired!!!!!!

Tired of pain, tired of crying, tired of waiting for my wife to step up harder, tired of not sleeping g, tired of bad dreams, tired of only being able to access SI on my stupid smart phone....it sucks, I hate auto fill in.


Sorry for the thread jack.

I am really sorry you had a rough day. I am proud that you are self aware enough to see how your actions were not perfect.

Tomorrow is a new day, we are learning....we are in pain....but we are learning and growing.

Peace to you tonight.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3594 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
standingonmarble
Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

I used to throw it in his face too. Not so much anymore, doesn't even cross my mind unless I have a trigger, which are few and far between now. I kinda realized that after awhile, it was harming me to use it as a battering ram, intended to hurt him at his lowest. I would be at my lowest when I threw it at him. Not a fun place to be for either of us. Keep talking when you get triggered, or need to vent. Keep talking so you don't hit him with it. Each year DD roles around it will get easier. I am going on 3 years out. I wish mine wasn't tied up with a holiday but it is. First year I remembered the level of pain, second year was remembering pain and how long its been since certain things happened. Now, I think it will be how far we have come and a bit of thankfulness that we are where we are.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

You have a lot of things at play here

1. My spouse didn't do anything alone or leave with friends for like three years. I was his center and focus. I'd put the kibosh on any further trips. Why did he leave when you specifically told him you didn't want him to go? He needs to examine that.

2. When he does leave, and end times needs to be communicated ahead of time. No assumptions on either part.

3. Stop thinking you always have to take the high road! Be PISSED! It's ok! It's unhealthy NOT to be pissed.

I know you'll work through this but I do think you are a little too nice and stoic about all this.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6351 | Registered: Jan 2011
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

LA
Don't be to hard on yourself. I have thrown the A in his face often. And yes it's not related but my H complacent and arrogance that gets me.. And then he gets defensive so I go postal and start throwing the kitchen sink in.
I am sorry. I hope tomorrow is better..


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

Maybe I'm just letting my inner bitter bitch take over here but to me it looks like HE brought the affair into it. Your response to his affair anyways.

Kinda thought the same thing. His reference to you slamming doors? Wasn't that a reference to things that happened during disagreements specifically about his affair?

Hopefully in a quieter moment, you'll both be able to talk about how you feel and join together as a team. I hope he can understand how some of his choices lately - going away for five days with his friends against your feelings, and then going out for several hours without calling or checking in (and then winding up at a bar) - haven't been making you feel good. If he's trying to spend time being social, maybe there are other ways that can help both of you. Perhaps a night every week or two where both of you go out together and be social. Or a once-a-month "boys" thing (but with an understanding in advance of how long it's going to be - not five days! - knowing in advance where and what they'll be doing, and checking in with you during it as much as you need to). Or perhaps he can consider how to respond when you're not feeling like being social. How can he be supportive?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus. Be mindful, compassionate, and responsible… Something valuable I learned on SI. :)

Posts: 3900 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

I felt some unease reading your initial post LA. Because I thought that not only were you were being far too hard on yourself about your perfectly natural feelings about his seemingly growing entitlement feelings of 'everything should be back to normal' behaviour over the last few weeks - but also that he was being too hard on you about it too. It was his actions over the last three weeks, and his reaction to you being a little pissed about them that were what was a bit out of line to me.

Maybe I'm just letting my inner bitter bitch take over here but to me it looks like HE brought the affair into it. Your response to his affair anyways.

Kinda thought the same thing. His reference to you slamming doors? Wasn't that a reference to things that happened during disagreements specifically about his affair?

I hope he can understand how some of his choices lately - going away for five days with his friends against your feelings, and then going out for several hours without calling or checking in (and then winding up at a bar) - haven't been making you feel good.

I agree with both of the above quotes - and this one below too.

Stop thinking you always have to take the high road! Be PISSED! It's ok! It's unhealthy NOT to be pissed.

I think you have been very strong LA and have taken the high road a lot - but if he is keeping score about the slamming of doors - it is a little bit of a red flag that he may be getting a little too comfortable and complacent about that high road and actually forgetting just how lucky he is to be getting this chance of R with you.

..and one final quote (because everyone else said what I thought before me!)

Hopefully in a quieter moment, you'll both be able to talk about how you feel and join together as a team.

Yes. I hope he does think that over and that he apoligises to you for your very (in my opinion) low key reaction to this - not the other way around - because I believe that sorting this out between you now, before any more resentments set in for either of you, is the best course for your R going forward.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1856 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

Thank you guys.

Sins + Silver, your messages explain so well what is in my head but I can't get out. You got to the heart of my head and I would direct him to this thread. I do fear complacency above all. He was so earnest this summer. So on top of everything. When he chose the golf trip in Oct knowing it was his choice but not one I supported something inside me wither

Blake, you would not believe but after the movie tonight I was in my car talking to bff and I drained the battery! A nice man who was bringing flowers home for his wife helped me out. So...we both had car troubles!

Rebreather...I honestly thought I was pissed! I don't get the whole being stoic thing tho. Sometimes I just feel sad and don't feel like talking. I mean. Isn't it enough to say, "I'm sad and that's all I can say about it now". ??

Anyway, I was up from 3-6am so will try to catch an hour now.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

Blake, you would not believe but after the movie tonight I was in my car talking to bff and I drained the battery! A nice man who was bringing flowers home for his wife helped me out.

There are no coincidences.

I was on my way back from a solo trip to the Great Smoky Mountains (nature is my comfort food) shortly after my DD...and the further I got away from nature and the closer I got to home I started to get anxious.

I decided to stop to eat dinner even though I was not hungry...use it as a distraction to ease my mind. As I sat in the parking lot ready to go into this small dive of a BBQ joint I prayed....

Please God, show me a sign that real love and commitment does exist...that I am not crazy for thinking it does.

I went in and sat down...place was empty except for one family finishing their meal....they left before I ordered. I sat there alone. Closed my eyes and rested. The door opened and in walked a black couple in their 60s. They were holding hands and smiled at me.

They sat across the room from me. I ordered, and would occasionally glance at them. He looked at the menu, discussing what was on it to her...they settled on their order without her looking at a menu. He then put is menu down and leaned forward, cupping her face in his big hands softly....I couldn't hear their conversation, wasn't my place to do so anyway. I could tell by the body language he was expressing love and she was accepting it.

I was able to glance at this my whole dinner...their loving interaction was my distraction...not the food.

I finished my meal first, got the courage up to approach their table and admit I had been watching them, and offered to buy their dinners for them. He graciously accepted and then asked why I felt compelled to do so.

I told him I had prayed for a sign that real love does exist on earth. I admitted to observing their interactions throughout my dinner...and told them their love comforted me.

He said they were indeed in love and tonight was their monthly date night celebrating the day of the month they originally met (like the 3rd Sunday of the month...though I don't remember the exact schedule). I was moved past words...so I said nothing, just smiled fighting back tears, nodded as I shook his outreached hand, I turned, paid the bill and left the restaurant. I wish I had had the courage to visit more with them...see how long they had been together, hear of trials in their life, etc....but I didn't need this, God knew I didn't need this. I got what I needed when I needed it....nothing more, nothing less.

Here was a couple who took the time to recognize the small experiences of their lives together....not waiting for the big events to bring them together, or drive them apart. At least once a month they recognized and were grateful that their paths had crossed, that they are on this journey with each other.


Back to your response to what happened to you.

That man who helped you was no coincidence. It is to remind you that love and cherish, that commitment and sacrifice ARE real...they do exist....may have even made you stop and think about when your husband did this for you?

I know watching that old couple reminded me of when I would lean over the table and hold my wife...never as lovingly as he did, but I was attentive and engaged in her...in awe of her.

Sometimes I just feel sad and don't feel like talking. I mean. Isn't it enough to say, "I'm sad and that's all I can say about it now". ??

This is how I felt Friday...could not put into words, felt I needed to, but couldn't...my stomach hurt, I could not stop trying to put into words what I couldn't do...so my work suffered, so did my physical health.

I am better today. I am not feeling guilty about Friday, but am looking to figure out how to maturely process through this sadness so as to not get stopped by it.

I see you are not stopped....you are finding courage again.....I feel it too. I see this pattern now...and it gives me courage to NOT talk sometimes, NOT share what I cant fully share yet...and that is new to me. To process on my own, and to relax a bit when I cant.

My 2 am phone call was a stumble. But pre-A blakesteele would have (and did have early after my DD) operated this way almost daily when faced with a conflict...until I solved that conflict.

I am looking forward to the time when I trust myself to know when a conflict is for me to solve solo and when to engage the help of my wife. I also look forward to a time when I can trust my wife that she will do her share to solve conflicts within our marriage too.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:20 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3594 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

LA, I think what I was saying, is that is ok to be angry. I was encouraging it. As for the stoicism, I get the feeling at times that you feel you should stiff upper lip a lot of this stuff. Take the high road and all that jazz. I know you aren't a rugsweeper, But ossasionally you appear to be just a bit too understanding. I dunno, I am kind of struggling to explain what I mean. I may need more coffee.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6351 | Registered: Jan 2011
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

I get the feeling at times that you feel you should stiff upper lip a lot of this stuff. Take the high road and all that jazz. I know you aren't a rugsweeper, But ossasionally you appear to be just a bit too understanding


Again, I am going to compare you to my bff, Rebreather. She basically says the same thing to me. In fact, in the past she has told me to stop being so....accommodating.

Understanding is another good way of saying it. I think my Dad was the most understanding person I know and sometimes I thought, "Gee, Dad. I think you need to tear a strip off this person!"

blakesteele, I love that story of the elderly couple. I think you need to start writing your book. Call it,

Prayers + Encounters - there are no coincidences


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

LA- I'm with rebreather on this one.. You have handled yourself very maturely and you live forgiveness. I couldn't have done what you did at the conference.
Just keep thinking that YOU are the prize !! And insist that he treat you this way!

Hugs girl!!!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4698 | Registered: Dec 2010
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

Thank you rachelc. For the record, I haven't uttered the words, I forgive you. I guess I am hovering between anger and acceptance right now.

Working on me.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

Along with the A comes the after effects which is your awareness now and hyper sensitivity to his selfishness, which in essence did lead to his A.

He should be on bended knee doing everything he can to make you feel loved and special. His need to still go out on "guy weekends" and go to the bar for hours just shows that it is still all about him. If he would be asking you to come along on these trips or out with the guys it would be different. But the fact that he wants to still go and do these things without you where you do not know where he is and what he is doing is a clear sign of someone with no clue about the damage he has done.

And what happens is that you now don't want to put up with any of it any more. You will at some point if it continues start to feel more and more detached from him because you don't feel safe.

I would ask what has he done to work on himself? Has he gone to any IC? Do you have access to all computer and cell phone passwords? Is he fully and happy to be transparent with you?

Just being nice at home is not the cure for what has been done. You will get more angry as you go along and it won't end until his selfishness about his social life changes. It can't be rug swept by you or him.

What are you going to do if this continues? What is your game plan?


Posts: 5629 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

Hey RB, actually the description you laid out needs to be commented upon.

He should be on bended knee doing everything he can to make you feel loved and special. His need to still go out on "guy weekends" and go to the bar for hours just shows that it is still all about him. If he would be asking you to come along on these trips or out with the guys it would be different. But the fact that he wants to still go and do these things without you where you do not know where he is and what he is doing is a clear sign of someone with no clue about the damage he has done.

Every month on the 15th he gets down on bended knee or takes my hand and asks me to "be his". The 15th is our Anniv. date. He has been going to IC since Jan. He bought and read, After the Affair as well as, How to Help Your Spouse Heal. He is on this site and has read numerous articles in the Healing Library. We also read the 5 Love Languages and we practice those during the week.

He did invite me to the game (I put that in my initial note) and I declined based on my mood. He was only at the bar for 10 minutes before I called and he came right home.

I do know where he is and who he is with when he goes on the guys golf weekends which have been happening since before we got married. The last two weekends he called/texted me throughout.

My game plan is for us to discuss the next outing - timeline/checking in. To have a clear understanding of what we are expecting.

And quite frankly I need to stop being so accommodating. When I really don't want him to go I will say so. In the case of the golf weekend I said so. In the football game, I encouraged him to go.

Where I got ticked off was that he was gone for so long. Again, we did not communicate this prior to his leaving.

But I really got ticked off when he mentioned the door slamming. I felt it a cheap shot. Of course I have slammed doors - lots of them since Dec.!

I know my H has some work to do but he has owned the A from Day 1. No excuses, no blame shifting, no rug sweeping. He has apologized to my parents as well as they were used in the A. As was my sister. There are FOO - long before I came around - that he needs to deal with. I have my own as well.

So, thanks for your input. I just didn't want to end the thread I started with the misconception that my H doesn't have a clue or needs to man up and that we are rug sweepers. We are doing really well for 10.5 months in and that is due in great part to his remorseful behavior and my ability (mot of the time) to stay in the moment.

Addressing social issues has always been and will continue to be a focus for us.

LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 4:58 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 18