User Topic: anniversary question
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

Our 6 year wedding anniversary is coming up in a couple weeks. My BH and I spoke about it the other night and tried to decide what we are going to do for's going to be a tough one cuz this is my A season...last year during our anniversary I was involved in the A, which is clearly something my BH is having a difficult time with.

He asked me if we are going to count it as our 5th or 6th since we lost most of this last year while I was still involved with the A.

What have other couples done in this situation? Do you count the A time?

We are also trying to prepare ourselves now for Christmas and New Year's, since that when d day was last year

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

Alyssa, you do whatever makes him comfortable!

I think many BS here did not want to celebrate anniversaries, esp. in the beginning.

If he wants to do something special, great, if you make plans and he changes his mind at the last minute, understand he is hurting.

He comes first, what year you celebrate *this* year should not be important....what is important is that you do not pressure him into doing anything. His emotions are probably still fluctuating daily or even hourly.

I hope the day goes well for both of you.

Posts: 7593 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

WH and I discussed our anniversary long before it came up. I never wavered from my stance of not celebrating.
Closer to the anniv he asked again- no, I could not celebrate. We didn't.

So, maybe ask your BH several times what he would prefer. It might change, even though not everyone's thoughts towards celebrating do.

Maybe you all can take back the day this year.

D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

Yeah...for me, I wondered if 2011, our 1st after D-Day, was our 44th or 1st - and it really couldn't be our 1st, since it was only 9 months after D-Day. By this year, it was definitely our 46th in my mind. My perspective changed over time.

What do you want to do to celebrate? My W invited me out to dinner at her favorite place. It was an honest expression of where she was and thought I was, and we had a very nice time.

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:12 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10381 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

Our anniversary was this past Friday, we went to breakfast this morning is all.

I cried all Friday morning, did not want to hear happy anniversary from friends/family and was upset over the "wasted" 16 years. Then fWS sent me a text that brightened my whole day. I chose to then think of the day as how we HAD made it 16 years, despite all the crap we have been through and that is worth celebrating in itself.

[This message edited by PrincessPeach06 at 8:20 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]

Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".

Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

My aniversary is soon and it is 1 month after my 4th dday antiversary, so yea, I understand the problem he is having. Just ask what he wants/ doesn't want to do. It is different for everyone in each situation, but realize that he may not really know and this is really hard for him and he may actually just want to be alone.

B/C I also found out about a previous A...20 + years ago that my H had with the same OW when I found out about the last one ...4 years ago, I personally don't view it as a lost year, or 4, or negated my whole marriage in a way, so I personally would just as soon forget aniversaries altogether.

Also you may want to consider NOT doing anything you two have traditionally done. I have been married almost 35 years and for most of those he sent me roses even if he was traveling. During the A...just after dday... he sent them as he always had but from her place...he was not really out of town...he spent our aniversary with her...I found out the next week. He still send them, I dread the roses coming, but have never told him.This may be he year I speak up.
Just know that it is different now. I have thought about substituting our first date the summer as our special may consider doing something special on that day or another significant day that would meaningful.

I think new traditions help.Focus on traditions that involve our child and do not remind ither of you af the about it if you can. I can't which is why I still trgger badly this time of year.

Good luck and glad to see you are trying.

Posts: 601 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

I also cannot celebrate our anniversary. Although we have been married for 27 years, I count it as 12.

We have only had 12 years in an exclusive relationship.

Regardless of how many years it has been since vows were taken, I don't think I can ever celebrate them again, because they were broken.

Perhaps you could create a new day to celebrate. I read a post here once that a couple celebrates their reconciliation day.

Now that is something to celebrate.

Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 785 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

This is an area I struggle in with dual thinking. On one hand "I" have put in 25 years of faithful love and service in this M, so "I" deserve the acknowledgement imo, if from no one but myself.

But I do not want to really "celebrate" with my H because he has not put in those faithful years (along with other reasons I will not bore you with), why does he get to say he has been M'd 25 years, have people congratulate him when I was the only one truly M'd and faithful working my arse off?

The first few years after d-day I could not celebrate, could not "allow" him to have that privilege imo, plus I had so much to process that I really was not sure where I stood, what I wanted, what I really thought about it all. He wanted to go to lunch or dinner, I went for some, and some I flat out said no, the ones I went on were so hollow and hurtful because they did not offer any balm to my heart, not what I needed anyhow, even though it was his own way of trying.

I wish he would celebrate my contributions to the past 25 years. That would make me happy.


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

We celebrate the full term. I have
Never counted it out loud. I guess that probably is somewhat my fault.
He wanted to resay vows right after and I was not ready. I thoughf I would divorce him when the last child graduated college.
We always went out if not that day a few days after on a weekend.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

Thank you all for your responses.. I am always a little nervous to post in this forum since it seems to have more BS rather than WS.

That being said, I do like to hear the opinions of BS cuz it helps me understand better how my BH feels

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

Maybe a recommittment ceremony at home with you focusing on the marriage? IDK just a thought.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, October 21st (Monday)

I don't know if it is because H's A was shortish, but we pretty happily celebrated our anniversary last week just 4 months out from dday.

I triggered earlier in the day about something, but we were able to get way dressed up (not like us), have a great dinner, and then H invited one of 2 couples who knew about the A, and what a year we've had, to meet us for dessert.

We also shared some things we had written. One, that I requested, was things that were good about us before the affair. There is so much that is even better now, but it was good to see him remember all the great things about us.

So, anniversaries can be good. It is an affirmation of my vows that I even showed up!

[This message edited by bionicgal at 10:37 AM, October 21st (Monday)]

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 12