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User Topic: Triggering assistance needed ... Cell Phones
Ann124
Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

Having just only spent a few months with SO I am finding myself a bit and red flagging on cell phones. I know this all has to do with my X but my blind faith is a bit off it's radar.

SO and I spend a great deal of time together. Whenever we are together his cell is either left/locked in his car. When it is with him it is on complete silence, no vibration or anything. But this weekend we were in his car driving to breakfast and his phone rings (it was in his glove box ) I made the comment "is that your phone" SO, "Sh*t, yes." We get to our destination, So takes his phone out of the glove compartment and types on his phone and then says: "It was just my XYZ (cell carrier) email bill." Closes his phone puts it back in his glove box. We proceed to breakfast... The next day, I go to his car because I left my glasses in there I look at his phone (which does have a pin lock on it) but I can see there have been 5 misses calls 6 or 7 text messages and 4 voice mails. I proceed to work ... When on my break I call his phone (which was locked in his glove box when I left for work) and he answers right away (I should let you all know we live about an hour apart so on the weekends he spend at my place or me at his). So we talk for a few minutes ... When I get home he puts his phone back on silent and leaves it on the kitchen table.

I have talked to him about how cell phones are a large trigger for me because of X and all his secrecy. SO tries to reassure me that "there is no one else I am the only one he is seeing"

So to finally get to my question for all of you ... I am having an issue with this. He lives alone, so why the pin lock on his phone, why the silencing of his phone in my presence because it apparently isn't silent when I am gone and why he "typed" back (like it was text message instead of an email/bill)to a cell carrier. I am so afraid that there is way more to all of this then the "face value" answers he has given ... Is it just my brokenness from my past? Is this something that I should be even triggering about? I just don't know what to do or to think ....


Posts: 387 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
cluless
Member
Member # 40538
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

I don't know what your history is, but I can tell you one thing. Your BF or whatever is lying to you. IF he did something with the cell that was damaging to your relationship, then he should have an open cell phone policy. Sounds like more secrets. If he wants a relationship with you and you're willing to stand up for yourself, then it's time he hands over the cell phone for you to inspect WHENEVER. Otherwise... bye bye!


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

I keep my smart phone locked because it's got other things on it besides who calls and texts me. I also keep my computer password protected for the same reason. There is stuff on both my computer and phone that is private, and I want to limit access to that information.

That being said, my SO knows the passcode/password to both. But, we've been in a relationship for almost 4 years.

Everyone has different cell phone habits. None of what you say your SO does with his waves a red flag for me, but I can see why it might bother you, given your ex. You've talked to you SO about it. He's reassured you. Is there something about what he's saying vs what he's doing that raises a red flag to you?



Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12164 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

If he wants a relationship with you and you're willing to stand up for yourself, then it's time he hands over the cell phone for you to inspect WHENEVER

If I'm reading the original post correctly, then she's only been dating this guy a few months, and he is not the reason she's on SI. If I had been dating someone for a few months and they demanded to have access to everything on my cell phone whenever they liked it, I would have told them to fuck off. Just sayin'.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12164 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
Ann124
Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

Yes, we have only been seeing each other for a few months. I completely agree with the "privacy" point. The trigger is from the X because of his affairs. The Red Flag, is the reaction (action) versus the words of SO. Yet, when I brought the subject up and the red flag of the situation SO's reassurance was to tell me that he is not seeing anyone else that I need to take it for face value. I am trying to but I just can't figure out how it keeps eating at my thoughts and is this just a trigger or a real flag with SO. I really feel that there is an underlying fact to the words and actions of SO.

Posts: 387 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

Maybe to him it's just bad manners to be on the phone calling/texting when with you? So in his mind, knowing the cell could be a trigger because you told him, he thinks putting it way so it's not even a source of distraction while with you is better?

Just playing devils advocate. It could be totally innocent, or it could be he's up to something. Is there anything else with him that raises red flags? If not, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, and try to find out why he does this.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5521 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Ann124
Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

devistatedmom, Great point!

There are no other issues that have caused any triggers or flags...only the cell phone the past couple of weekends. But quit frankly everything else is perfect. And in essences the status of perfect can be a trigger also because I thought that many times when I was married ... May be I am completely just triggering and it is another phase of healing that I am going through to have the ability to build my trusting factors again with a close relationship ...


Posts: 387 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

I have a pass code on my phone because my work requires it (I can get work e-mail on it and they pay for it) but now that I have it, I'll always have one, even if my work doesn't require it -- if my phone were to get lost/stolen, I wouldn't want everyone reading my e-mails and texts.

I always put my phone on silent whenever I'm around anyone because I like to be present in the moment and I feel it's extremely rude to answer calls/texts while my focus should be on the person in the room with me (exceptions if I'm expecting an important call, or for other reasons.)

I also don't think it's fair to ask a SO to make special accommodations just because we were betrayed in the past. If someone is triggering badly over innocent behavior solely because of what's happened in a past relationship, I'd question whether that person is ready to be in a relationship, or whether they should take some time off to work on themselves and heal more. Because you're more likely to miss actual red flags or find yourself with a broken partner if you're still stuck in the past.

So, Ann, I think the real question is -- is this solely based on past relationship, or are there other behaviors in this current relationship that are making your gut scream? Differentiating between those things are imperative in order to have a good NB relationship. Best of luck!!! I know this stuff is tough!!!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3400 | Registered: Dec 2011
Ann124
Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

phmh

Thank you so very much for your post. You are absolutely right ... Other then what I have mentioned there are no real issues and learning/healing from this is the key for me. Thank you!


Posts: 387 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
gardenparty
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Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

We have friends who have those pay as you go phones and very seldom leave them on. It is irritating as heck trying to get hold of them but that is the way they manage their bills.


divorced!

Posts: 2710 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
foreverempty
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Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, October 21st (Monday)

Ok, so here's my perspective if I were the other party in your new relationship.

Yes all of the above may be true, there may well be perfectly reasonable explanations for the way he managed his phone.

I always have pin codes for security, not privacy reasons.

However if I was with a person who was showing clear anxieties about my phone behaviour and having known their history, I would be volanteering access to it if you wanted to check, as I would be hiding nothing.

It would not offend me you asking to check as I would be understanding of your position.

Now some people may be able to leave these anxieties and issues behind and move on with a perfectly normal life.

Me personally, I don't think any amount of IC, and no matter who I'm in a relationship with, I'll now always have that element of doubt as my ability to unconditionally trust has been ripped out from inside my chest.

As sad as it is and indeed it is very sad, I think I will always be a phone checker.

Anyone I'm with in the future will need to be able to accept that, and likewise I will always be an open book for any future SO.

If that severely limits my opportunities in dating then so be it if it's what I need to feel safe in my own space.

Maybe that will change, I doubt it, for now I'll be remaining single.

Why not tell him what your feeling, be vulnerable and honest when you are next face to face, maybe after you have been triggered by a phone event, then ask if he would be offended if you took a look in his presence. If he says yes and you find nothing that will instantly put your mind at risk and from his openness you will see how much you mean to him. If he refuses or becomes hugely defensive then you will see that his own privacy, for whatever reason, is more important to him than you are. That would make me very uncomfortable and question our future.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do about this.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 622 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, October 21st (Monday)

Where did you meet SO? Just asking because when I was OLD I dated a guy that acted similar. I thought how respectful finally someone who doesn't have to be on his phone all the time. Turns out even though he said there was no one else and we were exclusive he was still meeting others.

Not saying that's the case but is this your gut talking and you ignoring? For me I would say yes. Good luck.


Posts: 507 | Registered: Aug 2009
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, October 21st (Monday)

So good to read your response! I'm glad that there's nothing else that is making your gut nervous.

I don't think triggers for life are inevitable. I truly believe it's ultimately a choice. Do you want to wear the label of delicate betrayed spouse forever and request that your SO make special accommodations (which may wind up to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy -- who'd want to be with someone who never trusts them)? Or do you (not you specifically, Ann, but a BS) want to rise above it and become a truly emotionally healthy person? There are tools to achieve the latter.

I was reading a book last night and thinking of this thread. It's called "Search Inside Yourself" and it's by one of the executives at Google who started training sessions based on meditation at Google. Very interesting stuff, and he gives some tips specifically on how to deal with triggers and live more in the moment.

I'm not sure if you're a reader, but I'd recommend it, as I think it could be very helpful to you!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3400 | Registered: Dec 2011
9.10.11
Member
Member # 36336
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, October 21st (Monday)

Agree with foreverempty.

I gotta say that it is nice to see someone put the phone away and respect the time with you, looking at the positive side.

He just may not quite understand how it feels to have a trigger that brings back such bad memories. I'm sure he feels like he is reassuring you that you are the only one, but not having been in your position...well he just doesn't understand. Not his fault.

Communication is such a big key to him understanding. And ask if you can see his phone. If you can't then you'll know.

Good luck, Ann.


Posts: 123 | Registered: Aug 2012
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, October 21st (Monday)

And ask if you can see his phone. If you can't then you'll know.

Sorry to keep responding on this thread, but I disagree so strongly with this that I had to post!

This guy has done nothing to raise Ann's suspicions that something is going on. Playing marriage police (or relationship police) is no fun, and I'm sure many of us left our cheaters because we didn't want to do that, and now the suggestion is that Ann starts that with her new beginning relationship?

If I were dating someone and he asked to see my phone, I'd assume he was insecure, controlling, and emotionally unhealthy. I'd break things off.

And not because I have anything to hide, but because it would be indicative of things to come. Major red flag.

If a BS requires special accommodations to date because they are so wounded from their past, they are not ready to date. They need to work on themselves and become secure, emotionally healthy, and happy. (Side note: I suspect this is a large part of the reason why so many second marriages fail -- individuals don't heal themselves first and carry way too much baggage into the next relationship.)

If you react to past triggers, then your gut can't clearly communicate when something is wrong. Ann's response indicates that she is in a healthy place. She sees that this has nothing to do with the new guy. Why would she introduce distrust and insecurity into a relationship where it's totally unnecessary?

Look -- if someone wants to cheat, they're going to cheat. Especially in a long distance relationship like this one. You need to have your eyes open, be emotionally healthy, and trust your gut. But don't go all secret police when it's unwarranted.

[This message edited by phmh at 7:10 AM, October 21st (Monday)]


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3400 | Registered: Dec 2011
Ann124
Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, October 21st (Monday)

After sleeping on this, I really think he is being genuine with the phone not being a bother when we are together. At least that is what I am going to lead with for now. But in the same light, I have to keep my eyes open to the possibility of that this may be a true red flag.

I know enough about myself to realize that I am not being completely trusting and I have to build this trust a bit more with time ... SO and I talked in great length last evening about the phone and I believe that 9.10.11 is spot on in regards to SO having no comprehension of having ever been a BS. But with said I don't want to "wear the label of delicate betrayed spouse forever and request that your SO make special accommodations" (Thank you for pointing this out phmh).

I really need to take a step back and analyze this situation and believe in the facts that SO is nothing like X. With this being said, I have to give the blind faith in order to move forward instead of 5 steps backwards. During our conversation, SO offered his phone for complete transparency ... granted he was at his place and I was at mine. But I have to take this offer with blind faith and understanding from his point of view.

I can't thank all of you enough for your input in regards to this situation ... All of you have given me such great perspective versus me jumping off the deep end.


Posts: 387 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, October 21st (Monday)

Phmh

It's great you are in a place that you feel you can trust again, it really is and it's entirely your perogative to feel that way about anyone in a new relationship if they asked you that question. I envy you.

Unfortunately for me personally, I don't think I will EVER be there with you.

My experiences almost killed me, blindsided me as it did many of us and has led me to not only be without my wife but also without my daughter too.

I am emotionally damaged in a way I can only paper over the cracks but ultimately the cracks are still well and truly there.

Those cracks and insecurities leave me a man with baggage that anyone in my future will hopefully understand, and as much as I won't push it in someone's face, it will be there none the less.

It's a shame, as I'm still very much an amazing person with a lot to give someone in a comitted relationship.

I will NEVER be able to trust like I once did ever again. I hate that it's one of the biggest things that I felt was a positive quality in me but I will never get it back ever.

I can't expose myself to that level of risk and I would completely understand the same in anyone I was with without judgement or prejudice...


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 622 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
Spirit13
Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, October 21st (Monday)

Ann,

I'm sorry but I think you are completely right to be triggering. I see you posting a perfectly normal question and then letting yourself be talked out of your suspicion. If your gut is starting to ping then pay attention!

I think is is really weird he puts his phone in the glove box! Why doesn't he keep it with him? Obviously when he is at work he keeps it with him. So when he is with you on the weekends he keeps it locked in the car and on silent the whole time??? that is weird, I'm sorry - who does that? He has all those missed calls, voicemails and text messages and is making no attempt to call anyone back in your presence? I would have grabbed that phone and taken it over to him and said "Hey, I was getting my glasses and saw your phone... obviously someone is trying to get a hold of you! It might be important. You better check it!" (but I'm passive aggressive that way)

Make it a point to start leaving things in the glove box so you have to go back out and get them! Then you can put this plan in action! Then if he won't check it in front of you or tell you who it is.... you know you have a problem. I'm kind of joking but kind of not.

I do think it is a big red flag personally.


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
Weatherly
Member
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, October 21st (Monday)

I can see how this would be triggering.

I married a man who has to have his phone password protected for work. I have the password, but never use it. And, I didn't have the pass code for quite awhile. this is new. And, he gets a LOT of messages, calls, e-mails for work.It was annoying to listen to it go off all day, so I made some comment about it one day, and now, when he gets home on friday he silences it, or put it in the night stand (or both) for most the weekend, gets it out again on Monday.

So, maybe there is a small yellow flag, but, I wouldn't let it upset me too much right now.


Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 9

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
Spirit13
Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, October 21st (Monday)

I don't think the pin lock is fishy. My employer also requires a pin lock.

But the phone RANG when the carrier sent his bill? Come on! That doesn't happen! A text or email chime perhaps but it doesn't ring like a call coming in.

He put his phone in the glove box where it proceeds to ring and text like crazy. As soon as she went to work he went out there and got it, turned it off silent and kept it in the house. Then AFTER she returns home from work he put it back on silent.

That is fishy as heck.


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, October 21st (Monday)

I understand the pin lock (for security), and keeping it on silent in your presence (out of respect), but something is still pinging as off about this. People who aren't constantly on their phones don't usually get this much activity. Maybe give it some time, ask respectful questions and then just listen to your gut.

Posts: 3441 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, October 21st (Monday)

I find guarding one's phone to be a definite red flag.

I think your instincts are telling you something.

I dated a guy briefly who always left his phone in his car, out of sight, etc. I thought I was just being paranoid. Turns out he was still seeing other people, along with still sleeping with his ex-wife! No wonder he hid his phone!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3385 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Ann124
Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, October 21st (Monday)

I greatly appreciate and understand everyone's perspective regarding this topic.

I think the biggest thing that I have to consider is that SO does work in a high security position so I understand the pin lock. I do have an issue with the phone being on silent and in the glove box. But I do have to give the benefit of the doubt and accept his words and pay very close attention to his actions. Yes, everything I have described, of his words and actions, don't exactly match up at this moment ... But the last conversation we had, he was already back at his place and I was at mine ( and hour or so away from each other). So at this point, he has said he will be transparent about his phone ... now all I can do is be patient and see the next time we are together.

I really adore this man and I believe he does me also. I don't have blinders on in any way, I don't want to continue being a BS, I don't want to compare the rest of my life to my D or marriage. I am not the same person and SO is definitely not the same as my X. I have to give some blind faith and wait and see.


Posts: 387 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, October 21st (Monday)

My SO works in banking and his phone is on lock down at all times. But many times he unlocks it and has me call from it or look stuff up. It is just his job to have everything password protected. I would expect my bank to do the same thing with my personal info. And he too has many demanding clients and often locks his phone in his car instead of bringing it to church, dinner, etc. I have always found that polite. Even at night he turns it off so he doesn't get calls or honestly tempted w work emails.

Funny thing is that the only "trigger" experience I've has was with his cell phone. It was at a time he was expecting emails about Superbowl plans and he kept checking his phone. The constant attention to the phone, when he usually ignores it TOTALLY triggered me as my ex was physically attached to his phone during his A.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1263 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I am not one that carried a lot of baggage from my ex cheating. I am remarried now and don't feel the need to check up on my husband. I understand the lock on the phone, but if he never has the phone around you that is the red flag to me. It's not like he's setting it down and not paying attention to it while y'all are together. He's purposely locking it away or shutting ringer off, and if what you said is true lied about the bill coming in. Why lie if he's not hiding anything?

Posts: 507 | Registered: Aug 2009
Ann124
Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

hummingbird8,

I understand what you are saying and that is part of my back and forth struggle at the moment.

I just have to wait to see him again to see what happens as I want to see the phone yet, it seems so soon in our relationship, however, as you pointed out I feel that he lied also. But I am waiting to see where things go and how he handles the phone the next time we are together.

I seriously don't know what else to do ... Any other suggestions?


Posts: 387 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Lock or passcode on phone: basic security for anyone. If you lose your phone do you want a stranger to have access to your email? Your contacts list? Your calendar? Your various shopping accounts?

Phone on silent: my phone is almost always on silent or buzz. When I'm around other people, it's rude to have it ringing or pinging, when I'm alone I don't want to be pestered.

Phone call tone or sound vs texting sound: the original poster didn't make this distinction, just that the phone was audible. Also, sounds can be personalized. My actual ringtone does not sound like a phone ringing. Same tone for text, calls, whatever.

When I'm on my phone, I'm really on it. Then I put it away. I get lots of calls and messages while I am off. They pile up. Doesn't indicate anything hinky about me.

My phone usage messages sound just like every other call or text I get.

Leaves the phone in the glove box. Me too. Or in the desk drawer, or on the kitchen counter. Again, tells you nothing about how trustworthy I am.

Here's what would make me suspicious: sudden change in phone behavior. Doesn't seem to be the case here.

Sorry that this was so long, but some of the responses seemed to be giving advice about the SO's ulterior motives based on thin evidence.

Enjoy your SO...if the phone is too distressing, then perhaps you need to step back from the relationship. But I hope not.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I have been unemployed for two years and my finances are in shambles. I keep my phone on silent a lot and don't answer it unless the person calling is already in my address book.... because it's probably a bill collector and I have nothing to give them.

I can see keeping my phone on silent or put away while I was with someone.... I wouldn't want to have to explain that I'm being hunted down by my car loan company. And I tend to not respond to voice mail or messages a lot because I'm depressed and I don't want to deal with it.

I think you might want to look at the various elements that are bothering you and ask what each one means.

If you "adore' this guy, then maybe it is time to test your relationship with him just a wee bit and be more forthright about what is bugging you.

Can you talk to him about "triggering"? Just in general? To say, I've been through a lot and sometimes certain things cause my body to react with anxiety or whatever, and it takes a while to get my mind to calm down after that. Your phone is a trigger for me. Can you talk to me a little about how you use your phone so I can understand your style better and perhaps get my triggers to calm down?

Like... why the glovebox, what's up with that?

If your questions seek to understand instead of accuse, then it may help you process this.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1220 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Spirit13
Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

So Ann,

did the phone "ring" or did it just text chime or give a little ding? I took it to mean the phone rang in your original post. To me that makes a difference.

I don't think he would say "Oh, shit" if the phone chimes.... I mean, why would he? Who cares if a phone chimes for an email or a text? If it is ringing then I could totally see someone saying this accidentally if they meant to put it on silent and now it is ringing (and you now notice it... and now he is going to intentionally not answer it and lie about it)


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
dontknowwhyme
Member
Member # 21587
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

With my cell plan I get a text from provider when it is due. In the text it states to text back a certain phrase if I want to pay the bill using the credit card last used. Could it have been that?


BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
D-Day3:11-3-10
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

Posts: 1004 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Ann124
Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

It was definitely a ring versus a short notification of a text or email. At least how according to how my phone is set up. We have the same cell carrier (we are not on the same account) Yes, the carrier we have does send text/emails when a bill is due. But you have to actually log on to the account and select bank info to pay the cell bill. As much as he typed in return/reply ... It was too little to actually pay the bill.

I honestly believe he got a call and that he texted the person that called he was busy or he would call back later. I am pretty sure he lied ... But I am still going to wait until we are together next to be positive. I know I deserve 2X4's but I want to be positive in regards to the situation. I don't want to fly off the handle and I surely do not want to assume anything.

He told me a while back he never deletes any emails/texts etc. If that is true he should be able to reassure me of the situation and show me.


Posts: 387 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

OK, so the issue is that you think he probably lied. Follow up on that. Because it's pretty easy to say, So sorry, let me tell X I'm busy and will get back to him/her later. Or, just ignore it.

Maybe you just want to go slow with this relationship. That's ok!


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
miadianna
Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I don't like this:
I have talked to him about how cell phones are a large trigger for me because of X and all his secrecy. SO tries to reassure me that "there is no one else I am the only one he is seeing"

I'm the kind of person who has their phone on silent or vibrate. I just don't like the ringing sound BUT... if I was going out with someone who was triggered by this and talked to me about it I would be sensitive to it by either leaving it out in the open or at least on vibrate so you can see he's not hiding anything. I always say "if you have nothing to hide, hide nothing." Putting in the glove box is kind of weird to me. Especially when he knows your position on this.

I've dealt with this phone business long before iPhones, back in '94 when that thing would be locked and ringing in the car where I could hear it from the house. And do nothing about it. Cell phones can really be a betrayed person's nightmare.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7482 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
Ann124
Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, October 25th (Friday)

I am heading out to SO's place this weekend so I will see how things go ...

I think/hope that all of this is just me being slightly paranoid.

I may meet his DD or and DS this weekend and that should be interesting within it self!


Posts: 387 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Fingers crossed for you!


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 622 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Will be thinking of you!!!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, October 25th (Friday)

FWIW, I know how you feel. Phones are something my mind is alert to since DDay, can't seem to help it.

I was annoyed at myself for being jealous of a relative who keeps her phone next to her fiancÚ's or they look at each other's all the time, play the games, like we used to.

So now that you've mentioned this to SO, do you know what you'll do with the knowledge of yourself? Have you thought of asking a counselor or doing reading on it?

My concern would be that if it's bothering you with this relationship, will it continue with others and give you a difficult time with trust in general? Because it sounds like a trust issue, which I would think would carry on.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ann124
Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

I had a great weekend and everything went really well with the cell phone topic.

We talked some more about it with SO bringing it up withing a half hour of me being there. Without me asking (which I wasn't going to) he showed me how his bill comes in and how he has it set up ... Just like a previous poster said type in a code and submit and the bill is paid via text ... Yes, his text ringtone for bills is set up to ring as a regular tone versus a notification.

Overall is good/great ... Thank you again for everyone talking me through all of this, this past week!


Posts: 387 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, October 28th (Monday)

Glad you had a good visit.

Are there any plans to change the way he currently handles his phone? Or are you going to accept the way things are? Just curious.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4202 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, October 28th (Monday)

obviously the cell phone is a trigger, I am sure it is for most of us . In my opinion this is where the resentments start . For me I feel any relationship I choose to get into in the future ( unless purely sexual) needs total openness no secrets or locked phones without passwords , I ignored red flags once , I will not do it again! If you are serious about him and have feelings then you need to address this . If he is telling the truth then there is nothing to hide and he should do what you need to feel comfortable. With my stbxww I was an open book , I would not lock or password anything I was so honest that it was sad. Now as I see how many people lie I second guess my actions but I cannot change who I am for a worse version. I wish you the best but to go through this and make the same mistakes again is silly in my opinion. sorry


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 676 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Ann124
Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Thefly559,

I am 100% sure that I am not repeating the "same mistakes" as I did that so often with my X that I wouldn't do this again. I would turn a blind eye and ignore my gut instincts. I believe if I was repeating I would have never said a word to SO about the cell even being an issue.

Little Turtle,
For now I will accept way things are and that is SO is being transparent with his phone. I didn't ask for the pin but SO does tell me who has called/text etc when we are together. Could there be more sure ... We are so new (only seeing each other for a few months) so I feel that I need to go with the flow for a bit and see where things go. As I need to keep the perspective of his occupation, I need to keep in perspective that SO is not X, and most of all I need to learn to trust my instincts. One day at a time for now is good for me unless something else happens ... SO and I are on the same page with all of this and I can live with that for now.

I know all of this sounds horrible for the positions that we have been in as a BS but I feel this is the best course for me for right now.


Posts: 387 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
Broken hearted61
Member
Member # 34931
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I was also anxious about the cell phone when I started my new relationship. But over time I relaxed as he's given me zero reasons not to trust him. I can pick up and use his phone at any time, too. I would suggest to give it some time and see if you can relax as you get to know him better.

ETA: typo

[This message edited by Broken hearted61 at 2:06 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


BGF (50) me
WBF (50) him
DD#1 02/23/2012

TT 03/19/2012
Working on R (03/21/2012)
It's over: 5/5/12


Posts: 223 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 42