SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: My world is shattered
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, October 21st (Monday)

Hello Everyone,
Less than a week ago, I found out that my husband had a ONS. She called the house and left an irate message for him (which I picked up)after he did not call her afterwards as he had promised...she did not know that she was a ONS as he had made numerous promises to her about their future together. On this message, she told him that after doing online research, she found out he was married with children and what a dirtbag he was for....(spelling out the physical contact). He admitted to me what he had done- how could he lie with this evidence? I have had suspicions of affairs in the past, but this was proof that there most probably were passed indiscretions as well. I threw him out of the house and have filed for divorce. But the pain is so overwhelming, I don't think I can make it through this. and even more importantly to me, the pain that he has caused his daughters as well. I fear for their emotional stability and want to help them through this. By the way, I have been married for 35 years, together for 40 but our children are 16 and 20. I just need to talk with others who understand. My friends are supportive but really don't know the pain. Bless you all who are reading this.


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, October 21st (Monday)

You are in the midst of a shattering moment, for you, your marriage and your family.

Spend some time in the 'Healing Library'.

All you felt was solid, real and important has been assaulted. So try to breathe deeply and by a person you least expect to do it.

Best if you make no snap decisions for a while. But do not ignore how serious this is and how much it hurts.

As it became clear what I was dealing with, I began to see a therapist, first for crisis management and then for wound and pain management. You may want to consider that.

You have found a good and safe place at SI. Welcome to a place that no one ever wants to join but is nonetheless a godsend.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
TheAmazingWondertwin
Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, October 21st (Monday)

Welcome Lmom- although I know this is not a place one ever wants to be "welcomed" to.

I know that you are in devestataion mode right now. The important thing is to take care of yourself right now.
Eat, drink plenty of water, and do not pressure yourself to do decide ANYTHING right now.

I remember the pain of just finding out and it can shatter everything you thought you knew.

You are free to post here- read as much as you can, see that (unfortunately) you are not alone in this.
Everyone here has dealt with this in some fashion.
for me, this site has been amazing.
You are safe here. You have a place to come to vent. You have a place to come for advice.

((((((LMomof2)))))) hugs for you in this very very difficult time.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, October 21st (Monday)

Thank you, Merlin and Wondertwin, for you quick response and kind words of support. At this time and for the first time since Dday (I'm just learning the abbreviations),I feel as if I am going to lose it. I have shed no tears until right now and I feel out of control. I will heed your advice but will still need you and others to talk to...and I hope to help others as well. I haven't felt this way since my father died many years ago...physically shaking and feeling like I have no control over my life anymore...I just can't believe there are so many others that have the same situation and have heard the same lies and denials from their spouses as I have. It's as if all of the adulterers have read from the same script. Horrifying, Again, thank you so much for being here for me.


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 21st (Monday)

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, like us. It's not fair. It's awful.
Yes, it feels much like when you lost your father, because you are mourning this loss too.

You didn't cause this, and you don't deserve this. I know you'll still doubt this for at least awhile. And you will re-examine your years together with your husband looking for any signs of a slippery slope. It does seem like they have a Cheater's manual, doesn't it?

The advice you've been given here by Merlin and Wondertwin is good. Read a lot. No decisions are necessary. Take it slow, and take care of yourself.

Come here whenever you need and post or just read. We're here, and understand. I'm sorry you have to be here too.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, October 21st (Monday)

LMomof2, I can feel the pain you are in in your words. I am so deeply sorry for what you are feeling right now. Yes, you have found people that do understand the confusion and never ending pain that comes in the beginning, and how hard it is to simply carry on.

As the days pass, things will become clearer, and you won’t feel quite so overwhelmed. Where you are now is a very dark place, but very soon you will feel better. The pain will be there, but you’ll feel a little more sure of your actions and yourself.

We are all here for you – to answer questions, provide our examples of how others have dealt with the pain of infidelity, and to simply hear you when you need to cry, scream or ramble on. We have been where you are, and we made it. You will too, but you need to be gentle with yourself. Make sure that you’re drinking enough fluids, and if you can’t eat, buy some ensure or other nutrition shake to have to keep you going. Take care of you first so you can continue to care for your children.

We hear you LMomof2, and we’re with you, however you want to deal with this, we’re with you.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, October 21st (Monday)

(((LMomof2)))

I am so sorry for your pain but thankful you found us.
Please take care of you see that you have filed and such so you know your rights.

I recommend seeing a good therapist for you. One that deals with long term marriages that have infidelity experience. It is amazing what a good therapist can do for you! I was lucky enough to have one here in my small area..

Eat drink plenty of fluids and exercise..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Drowninginitall
Member
Member # 40968
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, October 21st (Monday)

I am so sorry for your pain. This is a good place to be for advice, support and for someone who can listen and understand.
A therapist is a great place to start for you. I found it was the only place to talk without feeling the guilt of unloading my problems on someone else. They will be able to help with regards to your children as well.
Good luck with your journey.

Posts: 105 | Registered: Oct 2013
betrayedme2
Member
Member # 40639
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, October 21st (Monday)

Hugs LMomof2, lots of them! So sorry.

Like what the others have said, take time to make decisions that will have lasting effect. Most importantly take care of yourself and your kids. Kids are resilient though.

You've found a great place to come to and a great place just to talk, vent, complain, get solice...whatever you want it to be.

Therapists help, which includes pastors. You're right, even the closest of friends don't understand.

It'll be a long road with many ups and downs, but days to get brighter with time...

Wishing you the best with all!


dday: 1/19/13
ME: mid 40's
WW: low 40'3
2 daughters, 17, 21
Reconciling

Posts: 83 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
angerisme
Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, October 21st (Monday)

I am praying for you to find some peace during this nightmare time in your life. You can not possibly come to any conclusions right now. Just like being in a bad car accident, your body is physically in shock, and your brain has started to divert energy to the physical body that is in distress. You should sleep as often as possible. FORCE yourself to eat high energy food, and eat lots of fruits & vegetables. Many of us are unable to eat so trying drinking protein shakes (Ensure) for the short run. Finally, hug your kids and take them to the park. Focus all your waking hours to PLAYING with the kids or watching them play. Do not even think about believing a word your husband says. They always start out as ONS lol. Read the healing library here and you will begin to make lots of friends who will give you amazing support and information. YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS AND BE A STRONGER, HAPPIER PERSON WHEN IT IS RESOLVED. God never gives us more than we can handle. Discover the bitch that lives inside of you. Turn off feelings for or about your husband and devote your thoughts to those precious kids. The time will come when you will deal with the betrayal.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2012
angerisme
Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, October 21st (Monday)

My apologies, your kids are teens. When I found out I took my 14 year old to Disneyworld. I also took her and her friends to the movies every weekend. Find things to do with them even if you are just an observer. I also bought a Canon Rebel and 3 books on digital photography so now I make money with my photographs. The point is...FOCUS on your future as relief from the turmoil your body is experiencing. What you have been dealt is DEVASTATING. I am here for you.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2012
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, October 21st (Monday)

So sorry you are here. We are all in the same boat - some are just further along in their journey. The pain is excruciating. Worse than losing a loved one in some ways. Just know that we are here for you and want to help if we can. Sometimes just sharing your thoughts and knowing other people understand helps. I chose R with my WS but had no one who could sympathize because I didn't know anyone who had stayed. I am travelling a road that no one I know has been on and it is a difficult path. It will take you a very long time to feel anywhere near normal again - in fact, you'll never feel that way again....you will have a "new normal". But, just know that it will happen. Time will lessen the pain, though at this time, I am sure you find that incredibly hard to believe. Take time for yourself - eat, sleep if you can, drink lots of fluids and exercise. I know it sounds trite, but it is what you need right now. My kids were amazing - something that they shouldn't have had to go through - something that they should never witness, but they were there for me as I'm sure you kids will be there for you. Support each other and know that even though it seems impossible, you will get through it. This is a huge shock to your system - take your time and breath

[This message edited by devasted30 at 11:31 AM, October 21st (Monday)]


Posts: 1188 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, October 21st (Monday)

My ((((HUGS)))) to each and every one of you. Out of your pain has come wisdom and the passion to help others. You are all truly amazing people. Thank you once again for being here to help.


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, October 21st (Monday)

My head is spinning as this is all so new. How could I be with someone for over 40 years from the age of 18 and not know them for the person that they are??


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, October 21st (Monday)

We've all asked the same type of question, and the answer is sadly simple: It is easy to deceive someone that trusts you. We trusted our spouses, so deceiving us was easy.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
angerisme
Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, October 21st (Monday)

Painfulpast is correct imo. Now that you know to watch him, you will be surprised what is easily revealed. Begin to take note of his average daily behaviors. Watch for patterns or broken patterns and NEVER underestimate the bizarre crap they will do in order to cheat. Creeps.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2012
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, October 21st (Monday)

((((LMomof2)))) I am sorry you're hurting, betrayal is one of the most devastating things to deal with. 40 years together and suddenly your world has been ripped from beneath your feet. You will survive this but it may take a while, 2-5 years is what most counselors say it will take to wade through the mess.

Have you considered IC for your daughters or yourself? I went for 3 years and it was helpful but the best help I ever received was from SI. (((LM&daughters)))


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9716 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

LMomof2

Hi honey and BIG HUGS

I remember when I first found this site I felt like there was no one in the world who could understand my situation.

How could there be?

I had been married for 28 years and had discovered that my H had been having long term affairs (LTAs)for most of the marriage.

I was astounded to discover that there are many of us in this situation.

It is heartbreaking. One thing I discovered though, is that just when you think nothing could be worse you read a story..... and think Dear God... I thought my situation was so bad but how could anyone survive THAT!!!???

But we do. We survive. It takes a long time sadly but we get there.

I just need to talk with others who understand. My friends are supportive but really don't know the pain. Bless you all who are reading this.

There are many thousands here who do understand and who will always be willing to help. Unfortunately those who have never experienced it rarely understand and as time goes on will expect you to "move on" or "get over it".

That's where SI is so wonderful. It takes 2-5 years to recover honey and the real world doesn't understand that.

Keep coming back. Share your questions, your fears, your worries, your suspicions, your highs and your lows, your successes and your challenges and know we will be here for you.


Take care

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2748 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and encouragement. The emotional roller coaster is beginning...I thought I was handling it stoically but I find myself having fits of anger and then crying uncontrollably. In private. Here is the latest! The ONS called me (left voice message)to tell my how devastated she was about what happened. She felt it important for me to know that she was not a sl*t and that my H told her that he was single. That she was lonely and vulnerable and that he played on her vulnerability. How messed up is that phone call? What do I make of it? By the way, she is close to my age...no young chickie.
I still believe my H owns this problem. HE did this. HE allowed it to happen. But what do I make of this phone call?

[This message edited by LMomof2 at 9:18 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Hi honey

In my case I spoke to all 4 OWs. OWzero swore they never had sex. OW1 told me I was nuts and should just "get over it". I received a heartfelt letter of apology from OW2 and a few weeks later she offered my FWH a secret phone so they could keep in touch. OW3 told me she was really sorry and a few weeks later told FWH she would forgive him for cheating on her with OW2 and take him back.

So. In my case the OWs were all heartless and/or liars. Having said that, there probably are "innocent" OWs out there who don't know the WS is married. Who knows?

But sweetie. Truly. Who cares??? She is nothing to you. Her motives are irrelevant.

In my case I really enjoyed hating the OWs for quite a while. I knew they were remorseless sluts and it gave me some satisfaction to see the karma bus take them out. If you hate this woman that's OK. Whatever works for you at present.

In your case this woman may or may not be innocent. If she is innocent you will never hear from her again. If she is guilty then you may find out. I hope you do. Hopefully your H will be honest and tell you he lied to her and that she is innocent. Ask him. Watch his reaction. His body language etc. Look him in the eye when you ask and don't take your eyes off him. When you ask him ANY questions, ask and then stay silent. People can't help themselves. They have to fill silences. Just see what comes.

I do however wonder about your statement that

he had made numerous promises to her about their future together

This seems a little odd to me but maybe it's just my post infidelity paranoia.

Whatever. Listen carefully to all he says. If something is suspicious don't confront him about it until later. Think about it and see if it make sense and then ask. Write it down. Keep a journal. Liars find it hard to be consistent. If he is lying sooner or later he will slip up.l

HUGS

Laura



Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2748 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

The ONS called me (left voice message)to tell my how devastated she was about what happened. She felt it important for me to know that she was not a sl*t and that my H told her that he was single. That she was lonely and vulnerable and that he played on her vulnerability.

But what do I make of this phone call?

Was it really a ONS? Or had it built up to a one night sex incident? I find it hard to believe that he met this woman, made various promises to her about a future, that she went into online research on him, got his home phone number, etc. How did she find out he was married? It reads as though this had been building as a “relationship” for a while. Do you know any of the circumstances of how they met or how long they have known each other? Do you even want to know?

She has revealed a side to your WH you didn’t know existed. His secret. Don’t expect the truth from either OW or your WH. OW is just putting her side of the story, based on fact but not necessarily the whole truth. She’s angry – understandably so if she believed he was not married. But there may be spite there too, so tread carefully with any future contact or messages.

You are asking what to make of the call. That’s tough. How far do you want to take it? Do you want to speak with this woman? If you are going ahead with divorce, it might be better to simply put her and this call to one side and concentrate on YOU and your future. I would give you just one piece of advice – don’t act upon anger or emotion. These are very, very early days. Don’t do anything for a while. Read everything here and take what’s relevant to you. Read the thread “Great Posts for Newbies” here in JFO. And don’t worry about shaking, crying, screaming, getting the runs, throwing up, etc. It’s all normal.

How could I be with someone for over 40 years from the age of 18 and not know them for the person that they are??
Please do not blame yourself for anything. It was his choice to betray the love and trust, not your fault for giving him love and trust. When we give trust to our spouses, we are doing so in the expectation we will NOT be taken advantage of, it means we value them enough to risk that we will be repaid for that trust in that we will not be betrayed; and we expect to be trusted in return. It is a self perpetuating bond – I trust you and you trust me. So don’t stab me in the back. Treat others as you would want to be treated. And this is what makes it incomprehensible; that the one person you trusted more in the whole world could even contemplate doing something so destructive to your family, to your home and to your soul.

I was with WH for 29yrs before I found out about MOW. It was a 5yr LTA with his ex-fiancee. It was a bolt from out of the blue. I was completely dumb-struck. Time stood still. The shock was unbelievable. After two years of TT, I realised there were other affairs (he denied), but this was the big one. I trusted him. Simple at that. In a rather child-like way probably, but I saw no reason to not give him absolute love and trust. I believed that if he didn’t want to be married or fell in love with someone else, he would have the decency to tell me and leave. Not the man I thought he was. And sadly, he will never be the man I would like him to be.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3455 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Actually, crazy as it may sound, I did call her and talk with her...her explanation when like this....

Her words -"He was at the bar with his golfing buddies (true this was a golf trip for him and 4 friends)I walked in and your husband was on me like white on rice. We talked for hours and then his friends left. I took him back to his hotel and one thing led to another. He charmed me and he was someone I needed since my own divorce 7 years ago. I take care of my 85 year old mother, I have no job, and no life. So your husband gives me all of this attention and I stupidly fell for his bullshit."

Me speaking here...There was a lot more to my conversation with this OW. But basically she said that she had met him that night.
BTW, the original message that she left on our home voicemail - my Dday - was her lambasting him for being such a lowlife scum etc. etc and doing this to her and lying about being single.
During the convo I had with her, she kept apologizing to me and saying had she known he was married, nothing would have happened. Seemed sincere...don't know for sure since obviously I am a very trusting person (sucker)...my big mistake in life is taking everyone at their word.
I realize none of this really matters as my WH had sex with another woman and I am seeking divorce, but my mind keeps telling me I must know all of the truth to have some closure to this nightmare. I know that I am rambling, so many thoughts both crazy and rational going on in my head right now.

[This message edited by LMomof2 at 9:01 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I suspect her anger is at herself and her own stupidity. Sorry, but if she's been divorced for that long, she should have got some sense of how to proceed with a man she feels attracted to. You don't fall for his bullshit, jump straight into bed with him and then expect him to call you!!! WTF was she thinking?? She meets a man IN A BAR, takes him back to his hotel and goes up to his room. Come on! Sounds more like she was all over him otherwise I'm sure she would have been able to resist his charms. What a stupid wench.

I'd stay away from her.

eta: oh and her calling him lowlife scum? She's known him a few hours and HE'S the lowlife? Look in the mirror, Mrs. Sheesh.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 10:05 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3455 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

If he lied and said he was single I don't know why she is being called names. She wasn't in the wrong. Seems sincerely sorry and has talked with you. Is it smart to sleep with a man you just met? Probably not, but lots of people on this board have done it.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Aug 2009
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

No, it’s not smart to have sex with someone you’ve just met and loads of people have done it, me included. But you don’t go around blaming other people for your own stupidity. She made an error of judgment. In my own past I shrugged and moved on. Disappointed perhaps, but what the heck.
She called the house and left an irate message for him (which I picked up)after he did not call her afterwards as he had promised...she did not know that she was a ONS as he had made numerous promises to her about their future together. On this message, she told him that after doing online research, she found out he was married with children
THIS is worrying. Seriously. After just one evening? And until you have a second date, it IS a ONS! I’m not calling her names, I’m just making the observation that what she did was rash and – yes – stupid. As she admitted herself.

eta: Oh, and if you are objecting to “wench”, maybe it means something different to you. Here it simply means an available woman. Although the word does imply a woman who may be sexually available given the right circumstances. Which she was. It does not mean the same as whore, prostitute, hooker, slut, scrubber or even trollop. More like hussy. Actually not as bad as calling someone a hussy. Pretty tame in my book.

Sorry, that was a bit of a t/j.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:51 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3455 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

My WS left a voice mail for my 16 year old daughter on her phone telling her how sorry he is for everything and how "it really is not that big of a deal" and that everything will be fine. I am spitting nails right now. This man just keeps degenerating even further.


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

My fWH cheated on me after 30 years of M. I too was surprised by how many others were betrayed after long marriages and right before retirement.

My H and I are reconciling but it is the worst thing I've ever experienced. The trauma has been deep and I have PTSD as a result. It's been nine months since dday for us and we are making decent progress. My H has never cheated before this and I was totally blindsided. Shattered world is very accurate way to describe it.

I'm very sorry that this happened to your and your daughters.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 545 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Meant to add that UKGirl is spot on for things to consider. Keep in mind OW's have their own agenda. Sounds suspect your WH would promise a ONS a future. I'm surprised she knew his full name?

It's amazing what lying the cheater does for damage control esp in beginning. They think they can still control the situation.

[This message edited by whattheh at 8:02 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 545 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
AlexFL
Member
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I am so glad someone else posted that they feel the need to know everything, every detail. I feel like I can't rest till I know it all. Is this normal. Where does it stem from. I felt like an idiot for being so trusting. I never want to be so stupid again.

Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

To Whattheh Yes, I was set to retire this year. My WS and I had plans to travel extensively in one year after my youngest began college.
Now those plans are shot to H... I can't bear to retire now...too much time on my hands. Have to keep busy.


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I wanted to know everything. Some of it he admitted / came clean about. Other info I learned on my own with "research." Every person is different; some of us want to know, others don't want to know the details. I'm a detail person. I had to know.

LMom: your ws calling your 16 yr old daughter, saying 'it's not that big a deal....' Really ? He has just blown up her world and it's not that big a deal? It amazes that grown up people, adults, can be so callous and thoughtless to their families. Affairs truly bring out the worst in people; we see a side of someone we never believed could / would have acted like this. They create a crisis but, wait ! That's not enough.... let me continue to dig an even deeper hole ! It becomes apparent they have no clue, they've lost all good sense. I hope your daughter gave him the what-for !


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
Hope2B
Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

LMom, your pain reaches out to all of us.

It's up to you more than anyone else to help your daughters, and you will do this with a kind and loving heart for them, and they will weather this storm, as will you. Do you have family nearby, who could be your and your daughters' support system as you all go through this devastation--perhaps a grandmother or an aunt? It's so important to take care of yourself, and by doing that, you take care of your girls because they are your very heart.

For now, you have done what you feel is necessary--thrown him out of the house and filed for divorce.

We've all asked the same type of question, and the answer is sadly simple: It is easy to deceive someone that trusts you. We trusted our spouses, so deceiving us was easy.
Painfulpast is so right! I sometimes get into this thought loop of HOW did I not know? HOW could I be so stupid??? Why did I not follow that "feeling" I had? Because of trust, because I trusted him, because I believed his answers.
"Trust but verify" isn't even on my radar now. I'm in the "you are being supervised because you can't be trusted" mode, saying "You've taught me not to trust you, and I'm a really good student!"

Things WILL be better, but it will take time. You are so raw right now.

You are not alone. Your girls love you beyond words, and here at this site, we feel and share your pain.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 1:20 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 359 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

and how "it really is not that big of a deal" and that everything will be fine. I am spitting nails right now.
I don’t blame you. Minimising, brushing under the carpet, forget it and move on. Well, it doesn’t work like that. How can he expect you to think of it as “not a big deal” when he has broken the trust. Trust is a very fragile and yet strong thing. You gave him trust in the expectation it would not be taken for granted, abused and p*ssed on. And the other point is, you wonder what else there is. If you found one drug item in your DD’s room, wouldn’t you look for more? Just in case? And you would wonder why she felt the need for drugs and how long it had been going on for.

He needs to examine not only the why but how. Why he was drawn to the attentions of this woman, why did he even consider having sex with her and how he justified going ahead with the act. My guess is that he doesn’t want to look at what he has done or at himself, which is understandable when it was so incredibly destructive.

I don’t know what else to suggest since you are fixed on divorce. Look after yourself, you are the number one priority. Knowing the details might matter right now, but won’t after your divorce. He did it, you kicked him out, it’s over.

However, if there is the faintest chance you might consider reconciliation, then knowing the details, the why and the how and what you are both going to do to repair and heal is vital. The sooner you start, the better.

But first, he needs to realise just how much damage this has done. He has changed your world and his. Nothing will be the same again.He needs to recognise that fact.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3455 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

My drama is getting crazier by the day. As I stated earlier, I spoke with the ONS and she was apologetic because she was told by my WS that he was single, told me what happened...a congenial conversation as weird as that sounds. Now days later, she leaves a voicemail for me full of psychotic rants...I feel threatened and am thinking about going to the police to file a complaint. Am I doing the right thing or would this make matters worse?

[This message edited by LMomof2 at 3:18 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

I feel threatened and am thinking about going to the police to file a complaint.

I would do this. She could be crazy and decide to show up at your home. You want to be sure and get as much documented as you can just in case she does.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13756 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

Keep the voicemail and anything else you have. Keep anything else she sends. I was somewhat concerned by he OTT reaction to what was, after all, a ONS. You don’t base a future on a ONS! Inform your WH and tell him you expect and demand that he sends her a NC text/letter/voicemail immediately and that he is to include a statement that he/you will report her for harassment if she contacts you again. And if you hear from or see or have any correspondence from her, file a complaint.

This is not of your doing. This is a choice made by your WH and her. She is targeting you because she didn’t get what she wanted and she is feeling foolish to have fallen for his lines. Her problem, not yours. This is nothing to do with you. She is being out of order and spiteful.

She needs to be told that she is NOT to contact you in any way whatsoever. If she does, she can expect the police to turn up.

Sounds a bit Fatal Attraction.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3455 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, October 25th (Friday)

Hi again honey

Now days later, she leaves a voicemail for me full of psychotic rants...I feel threatened and am thinking about going to the police to file a complaint. Am I doing the right thing or would this make matters worse?

Well, it seems that maybe there is more to this "ONS" than your H has told you.

My first thoughts were

(a) It was more than a ONS. Your H made lots of long term promises to her, has been in contact with her and now she is pissed because he isn't leaving you for her.

(b) She is dangerous.

Do what Ukgirl suggested.

HUGS honey. Sadly this shitstorm will probably get worse before it gets better.

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2748 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, October 25th (Friday)

Just need to post...I am having a very hard time today emotionally. I think it's because it's the weekend. I have had 3 invitations from friends and family to do activities but I am just so so sad that I won't be spending the time with him. As much as I hate him for what he has done, I'm remembering the times we had together. Oh God, how do I stop these feelings and these memories??


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, October 25th (Friday)

(((Lmomo of 2)))

I am in a similar age frame as you with similar duration of marriage..

As others have said, take some time to get your bearings and support before you make any major decisions..

R is off of the table for me, but because of age and other constraints it will take a long time and careful planning/timing for me to extricate myself from the M without destroying my future..

Like angerisme I bought an SLR camera and went deeply into photography..I also sell some of my work and display it in galleries from time to time...Photography is fun :-) I find it a good distraction to plan for the people, places, things to shoot pics of, and the post processing/editing is fun..When I became involved with a gallery I had a ready made source of activities and friends with similar interests as me...

Until I am at a place in my life where I feel more comfortable in my own skin, I need the distractions that my favorite activities provide...

I know that the choice and decision is mine what I do with my life post betrayal,(D-day) but some of these decisions take a LOT of time and money..And it isn't so easy to overcome a paralyzing FEAR of making life changing decisions when there are limited resources ..So finding some healthy favorite things to look forward to every day do make the unpleasant terrifying journey a lot easier..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:10 AM, October 25th (Friday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Nov 2011
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, October 25th (Friday)

I have drafted an email letter to my WS. He keeps texting and emailing me asking me to forgive and talk with him. Here is my reply - please tell me if sending it would be a good idea.

"You need to read this through in its entirely as it ultimately pertains to your children:
WHy did you have sex with her? Why did you even spend time with her before the act?
WHy did you not stop and think about HOW DEEPLY your behaviors would hurt me, and your children which will damage us for many, many years? You did not just cheat on me. You cheated on your entire family.
And STOP messing with (Daughter’s) head. Stop the notes you are leaving for her....I am living with her and see her reaction...it's NOT helping her. Remember, she was there that night the phone call came in. She knows what you did. (Daughters) need to sort out their feelings and to heal. You need to respect that.
Why was the family and life that we had not enough for you?
WHy have you always lead such a secretive life?
Will you now be man enough to admit all of your indiscretions with the other women whose texts I have bore witness to and tell of all the other affairs of which I have had evidence even though I have always given you the benefit of the doubt? I have always put my trust in you even in the face of the evidence, second guessing myself, but now know for certain that you were not worthy of it.
WHy did you pledge full disclosure on September 3 and have sex with her on Sept. 21, then go to the shore with me the following weekend and NEVER even show any evidence in your behaviors of what you had done?
Was this a one night stand? It seems very strange to me how fixated she is on you for a one night stand.
Why would you risk everything for a cheap lay?
Are your buddies impressed with your prowess? Your family certainly isn't. I hope your need to impress other people and your need to nurture your own insecurities was worth scarring your family so deeply.
I would like answers but would not be surprised if you don't have the courage to give me HONEST answers. You probably don't think it's even important that I know the answers. But for me to begin the healing process and get back to functioning normally again in order to give (Daughters) the support they need right now, I need everything out in the open. It's not at all unusual for those that have been victimized to request full disclosure. You can at the very least do that for me.
I wonder if you even know or care in the least about the insurmountable damage that you have done. I think you are incapable of any feelings of remorse. You are just sorry you were caught."

[This message edited by LMomof2 at 11:43 AM, October 25th (Friday)]


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, October 25th (Friday)

Oh God, how do I stop these feelings and these memories??

You won’t. You have to go through them over and over again. It’s all part of the process of accepting this has actually happened. You are looking for signs you missed, things you said or didn’t say, things you did or didn’t do. And then you will realise that this was nothing to do with you, it was him and his choices. If those invitations are from people who know, then go. Talk a little and then move on to other subjects. There will be time enough for reflection and going around in mental circles when you get home. Stay away from alcohol, it will only make you even more sad and emotional.

Hugs

[This message edited by UKgirl at 11:22 AM, October 25th (Friday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3455 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, October 25th (Friday)

I would e-mail WS what you wrote..
I would give him a deadline that you guys agree on..He needs to have thought out and began answering questions by deadline...He may need professional help to look deeply within himself to come up with HONEST answers to some of the more difficult questions..
In the meantime it would help to know if your WH is genuinely remorseful or just sorry that he was caught..
Give some thought, get some education/ advice on how you would deal with or live with a remorseless WS until he comes out of the fog or an S or D happens....


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Nov 2011
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, October 25th (Friday)

I sent you a PM :-)


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Nov 2011
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Wow - like you, I had suspected things for years. I would of loved to had clear validation of a call like that to prove it was not all in my head at the time.

It is so hard because you WANT to beleive what the WS is saying, but your gut is screaming otherwise.

During the convo I had with her, she kept apologizing to me and saying had she known he was married, nothing would have happened. Seemed sincere...don't know for sure

I agree with others, I don't think it matters if she was sincere or not. You received validation of what was going on.

Unfortunately, this is typically only the tip of the iceberg. I could not believe the stuff that surfaced during my D process. Way more OW than I knew.

Back to your question of her being crazy, etc. She could be. Sounds like once your WH left her high and dry, she found you to lash out too. I would consider changing your number and filing the complaint.

There have been many cases of OW going from hurt to over-the-top. Better to protect now than be sorry later.

Be prepared for attacks on your DDs as well. That happened to a friend of mine - her two DD's were targeted.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2108 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
JamieMc
Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, October 25th (Friday)

My situation is a bit different in that my WH of 20+ years had encounters with 2 different sex workers, a stripper & a streetwalker who he/we have had no contact with since, don't think he could pick them out of a line-up:( He confessed sometime later because I became very ill/ fever, rash etc... and he wanted me to seek medical care, "AKA" guilt, we have 3 children together. However we find out we have been betrayed, it is heart and soul shattering. I confided in *one* friend and she thought it wasn't a big deal because his actions were sex for money, and he didn't have "sex" with them, just blow jobs:( I don't know anyone that wouldn't consider oral sex with strangers to be infidelity and stomping on wedding vows! Needless to say, we are not friends anymore. Someone earlier, sorry I don't remember who it was, suggested staying away from alcohol. I second that, although it seems like a good way to numb the pain, it just made me weepy and more depressed. We are in MC & attempting R but it is a lot of hard work! All the best Jamie


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Having a really hard night. I Know it will pass can't turn off the thoughts of what happened


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, October 26th (Saturday)

I sent the letter (that i I had posted here previously) to my WS. Part of his response back was blaming me for being inattentive to him after our children were born. and that the OW meant nothing to him except perhaps to validate him as a man. So typical What Bulls**t My anger is once again at the forefront of my emotions. Oh and here's another reason for his ONS He must have been drugged by her How stupid does he think I am?


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, October 26th (Saturday)

Drugged? Really? So in one breath it's your fault (bullshit) and in another she drugged him? Which is it?

He's blameshifting, hard. He cheated because he was unhappy, but cheating is all on him. If he was unhappy he should have dealt with it in healthy ways. Instead he took the easy, cheap way out of his unhappiness. Unfortunately, that only brings more unhappiness and spreads it around X1000. He doesn't have proper coping skills and he wants everything to be someone else's fault.

You didn't cause his cheating, he did. You didn't make him have sex with someone else, or lie to them to get sex, or anything else. And she certainly didn't drug him.

Your H needs to own his shit, as they say. I'd tell him that, and then just shut him out until he can accept that he alone did this and that he alone needs to deal with it as something he did, not blame everyone under the sun except himself.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

Drugged? Really? So in one breath it's your fault (bullshit) and in another she drugged him? Which is it?
He really is scraping the bottom of the feeble excuse barrel. Not so much a case of how stupid does he think YOU are, more how stupid does he think you know HE is.

Part of his response back was blaming me for being inattentive to him after our children were born. and that the OW meant nothing to him except perhaps to validate him as a man. So typical
Straight out of the WS handbook of excuses. There have been threads dedicated to this particular whine and during the A my fWH said this:
For certain periods of time I have been relegated down the pecking order (in terms of your love and attention) and felt that I was propping up the table. Last in line.
At the time, I had three teenage boys – 16,15,13 and a 7yr old. My Dad had been diagnosed with stomach cancer and I was trying to help my Mum who lived a 6hr drive away. WH was working away more and more (and seeing MOW). My older children had exams with extra tuition at home. I had two large dogs that needed seeing to as well. I saw to WH’s sideline business. I did all the paperwork, finances, household chores and diy, the garden, schools, Christmas, birthdays and even booked, paid for, collected the tickets for WH’s f*cking golf holidays!! And he was bleating he wasn’t getting enough attention! I tell you, it made me so mad when I read that. How dare he! He said he felt “undervalued and unappreciated” and his answer was to f*ck his gf! How about pulling your weight instead you f*cktard? I was astonished and gobsmacked and could have slapped his stupid head off his shoulders. And it’s one of the things that STILL makes me mad years later.

Honestly. What an idiot.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3455 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

UKGirl - so true!!! And how about this one - how come, if they weren't getting the attention they felt they 'needed', they didn't attempt to give attention first to see what the response would be? How come they have all the time and energy in the world to tell OW how wonderful, beautiful, sexy and special she is, but us? Nope - it was all on us to make them feel special.

So instead we get ignored, emotionally abused and betrayed. Yeah, I sure hope that attention you needed was worth it!!!

Ugh!!!


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

I know, UKgirl and painfulpast the stories that they weave are so bizarre for their atrocities to the marriage. I, too raised two GREAT girls - no help from him. took them to soccer, dance, CCD, piano lessons, etc. etc. etc. maintained the house AND held a full time job . and I was supposed to have enough energy to be like I was before kids?? You are so right - why couldn't HE pull his weight Unbelieveable how this seems to be the case in so many marriages. f*cktard is such a great word for him. I am so freaking mad right now !!


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

Count me in as another BW that supposedly didn't give her WH enough attention and thus caused him to have an affair...

I started having gut feelings that something was off with him during a life threatening crisis with one of our sons, and during my own cancer scare..

He offered very little support and empathy to me during these events but he certainly *bleated* (I like that word) that I wasn't focusing on him more and giving him enough attention..

I agree that this excuse comes straight out of the cheater's handbook..Some WS's eventually realize this and own their own shit in time to save the marriage..

My WH does not own his own shit and has lost my love and respect..There is no turning back.. I forgot to mention that I think WH's off the wall needs are too unreasonable to meet and the type of attention that he wants is demoralizing and disgusting...

True remorse without excuses is very obvious and I for one would have known it had I seen it..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Nov 2011
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

doggiediva I keep rereading your post for strength as my WH continues to text, email, and yes, call me to try to reconcile. NO WAY. There is not turning back and I have to go forward with the divorce. It would be easier to give him another chance but I want full disclosure and he won't give it to me. He still cannot stop the lying. I have no love or respect for my WH either.


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Thessalian
Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

((LMomof2))

I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. WH and I were together only for 7 years, I can't imagine if I'd discovered the As after so much time.

As EvenKeel said:

Unfortunately, this is typically only the tip of the iceberg. I could not believe the stuff that surfaced during my D process. Way more OW than I knew.

Same here. Very gently, take a deep breath for this one: it sounds to me like your WH has a lot more he needs to confess. I would put money on the fact that there is much more dirt under this rug - more women, more affairs, way more. In my experience, WH thinks it's not a big deal because, guess what? He's done stuff that's a much bigger deal and what you found out about is small fries in comparison. Only someone who is "used" to this kind of behavior thinks it's not a big deal.

When I was getting answers out of WH (GOD that was painful), I was so hurt by and so focused on the girls I knew about, I didn't realize how huge the scope of the betrayal was. It didn't even occur to me how bad it had gotten, there were things I didn't even think to ask, they were so out of character for my WH (I thought). Then I started pulling on the thread of the lies and what came out was so absolutely devastating and so blindsiding, I couldn't believe it. WH continued to be a lying ass until the whole truth was out. I had to fight, fight, fight, fight to get it, and the lies I was told were outrageous. Again, gently - expect the same.

I wish that when I had found out, I had had the presence of mind to stop everything and search his entire email, all past emails, his statements, all of this things, methodically and over the course of several days, before I confronted him. I was too upset, and didn't, and he deleted a lot of things. Now I can never be sure. If you have the presence of mind, do it.

Big, big hugs. I'm so, so sorry. Being blindsided this way is absolutely the worst.

You are strong. You have raised children. You have nurtured a family. You are smart and beautiful, and you know how to swing a battle axe if you need to.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
AlexFL
Member
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

I feel like my strength is breaking down. This is the "too many times to count" time I'm dealing with his infidelity. We told kids tonight and now I'm regretting telling him to go. The pain on the kids face is too much to see. I feel like I have made a mistake. Part of me wants to say "who cares" about his infidelity. I have no idea what to do. This is so hard.

Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, October 28th (Monday)

I'm feeling the same way..off and on. I so wish that everything would be back to normal. Wish that I had not filed for divorce so fast and told people so fast. But I have to bring myself to the reality of what he has done. WS is weaving a story about possibly being drugged (roofied). He keeps saying the meeting with her was supposed to be about graphic design for his company and that she tricked him. I am finding myself wondering if this could have happened. My friend said it did happen to her. I found an article online about this and how it does exist. Women preying on men in bars for sex and money. I am so confused. His ONS has been leaving threatening phone calls to my WS and me. She is VERY psychotic. I have notified the police who called her and told her they would press charges if she contacts my home again. My situation is becoming a fatal attraction.


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, October 28th (Monday)

I can tell you with 100% certainty that this is a bold-faced lie:
WS is weaving a story about possibly being drugged (roofied).

As a man who HAS actually mistakenly picked up a drink that was intended for somebody else and found myself roofied, I can tell you that there is NO POSSIBLE WAY your husband could have performed if he was drugged. When this happens, you pass out after about an hour and you don't wake up until the next morning. You cannot remember what happened the night before. My friend who was luckily watching over me that night said that before I passed out, I could barely talk and that I had to be CARRIED out of the bar. This is typically something that men do to women to force intimacy - not the other way around. If a woman does do it to a man, she's not getting anything but his wallet. Your husband is lying.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
hardtimesinlife
Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Lmom, I'm so sorry for your pain.
Gently, if he was drugged then why was he trying to blame you for not meeting his needs?

None of this is your fault. He is gas lighting you and in your weakened state you are understandably grasping at straws.

He needs a to-do list and the first is full disclosure with complete honesty. Have him take a polygraph if necessary. He is in damage control mode right now and is squirming. I'm so sorry this is happening.
Hugs.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6107 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)

WS actually had the nerve to come home the other night because he wanted to talk and work things out. He had been her 2 nights. Yes I could kick him out again, but divorce papers are to be served this week. Then he will be out of my house and out of my life for good.


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
BAB61
Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)

I am so sorry that you need to be here. *hugs* You've gotten some good advice, take care you YOU and your kids!


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, November 11th (Monday)

omg I can't deal with this. I want my life back. I want an intact family. I hate him but don't want to be alone. It's 3 in the morning and I can't get to sleep. My head is spinning, I feel so sick. He has the upper hand again. He is threatening me, saying he will make things very difficult for me. Says he is done with me and our daughters. Says he doesn't give a sh*t about any of us, doesn't care if he hurt us. Says he is proud of what he has done. Says he can and will f*ck lots of women and it's none of my business anymore. Why is he doing this to us? He has already destroyed us with his ONS, why is he trying to hurt us even more?
He started out wanting to reconcile but thought his "I'm sorry's" would and should make everything better. He said I should just get over it. He made and mistake and oh well, it happens to lots of couples. I hate him for being so nonchalant about the whole thing.
I can't stop crying, I don't want to be here anymore. I am sorry I sound so dramatic, but it's the way I feel right now. I am going to lose it.


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
BrighterFuture
Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, November 11th (Monday)

Just wanted to send you virtual hugs. Stay strong what you're feeling is normal for all betrayed spouses. He is showing you who he really is. Until he shows true remorse please don't take him back. Time heals so just take it one day at a time. You will survive.


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 347 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
CallMeRed1
Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 4:50 AM, November 11th (Monday)

I am so so sorry.

I wanted to reply as our situations are so similar.

My FWH had a ONS and he told the woman he was single. I KNOW this is true because after I knew he did it I installed a keylogger on his computer, and I saw him contact her again and her knock him back because he "lied about being single". I also got all that stuff about how he didn't get enough attention (me me me) after my (3) children came along.

My FWH also had history - I don't know about anything physical but definitely loads of online stuff and EAs. He's told me more as time went on (after d-day) never once did he say sorry.

My FWH is now doing exactly what yours said he would do - he has women all over the place. He seems to think it is normal to tell your ex wife this sort of thing, but I am numb to it now, it only makes me feel more delighted that I decided to divorce him.

As gently as possible, your WH doesn't sound remotely sorry. Unless he really tries hard to apologise, show remorse and work for your M, it's going to be very hard for you to R.

There are other options, and from one who knows, sometimes D is the only way.

Take care of YOU now xxx

PS Also I would advise to get STD tested asap and see if he will too.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 187 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, November 11th (Monday)

He is threatening me, saying he will make things very difficult for me. Says he is done with me and our daughters. Says he doesn't give a sh*t about any of us, doesn't care if he hurt us. Says he is proud of what he has done. Says he can and will f*ck lots of women and it's none of my business anymore.

I haven't read all of your posts, but if he's threatening you, I hope you have gotten a very strong lawyer. The divorce process can be a brutal one.

He doesn't care that he's hurt his family and is proud of what he's done? Sounds like some of the delusional things I heard from my X. He didn't say he didn't care about our hurt, but he kept doing the actions. And he didn't see anything wrong with buying sex - he planned to do it in the future if we "didn't work out". Seriously whacked!

Big hugs to you! Keep breathing, take good care of yourself and your daughters, as best you can. Make that your focus. (After you have found a strong lawyer!)

The best thing you can do for your daughters is show them this behavior is not acceptable.


Posts: 1261 | Registered: Aug 2010
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

The turnaround from grovelling apology to brutal anger is a normal response. You have some control. You are making some decisions. It is a childish way to behave, but try to understand that he doesn’t know what else to do. He now realises the enormity of what he has done and sees his life slipping out of his hands. That has made him angry. He has lost control of his life and there is very little he can do. You have detached and thrown him out. Not what he wanted or expected. And after being thrown out, he wanted you to plead and beg for him to come home. He wanted you to make him feel better about what he did. He wanted forgiveness on a scale that is saintly. He wanted you to take him back into your arms, soothe him like a little boy and tell him everything would be okay.

Well, he made a huge error of judgement. He does not realise just how badly you have been hurt. He does not realise that this is the worst thing he could ever have done. Ever.

So. He shifts the blame. He will find “reasons” as to why he cheated. He will lie, minimise, wriggle and do anything to get out of the situation he finds himself in. This was HIS choice. It was NOTHING to do with you and certainly not your fault. But he will try and make it so.

He is watching you and your DDs suffer – and hates himself for being the cause of that. He doesn’t want to deal with his own emotional response to that, so he blanks it out with anger – the only way he knows how. It is his response to his fear. It is like a child’s rage – out of control. He feels you are over reacting and that you are judging him unfairly. He has made it less in his own mind in order to rationalise his current attitude. Again, the child in him is saying THIS ISN’T FAIR!!!!!

And then he moves on in this way, getting more and more angry and making you the reason for his predicament. He now wants to make YOU hate HIM so that he can say YOU are a horrible person doing all these nasty things and turning your DD away from him, thus justifying his attitude. He wants a self fulfilling prophecy in the circle of hate. He wants you to hate him, then he can be the horrible person because, in his mind, you are worse than he is because you can’t forgive, forget and move on.

He says he can fuck who he wants. Yes, he can. He is saying that to hurt you more. Ignore it. Shrug your shoulders. You cannot control him but you can control your responses to him.

Expect more.

Read up on the 180 and how to implement it to keep you sane and the barrier up against his hostility. Read up all the relevant posts in Great Posts for Newbies in JFO, esp the one on communicating with a foggy spouse – because he clearly is in the fog.

And know you will come through this. These are your darkest days. Put one foot in front of the other and plan your tactics dealing with him. Know what you want and focus on that. Remember, these were HIS choices. He cannot blame you for the consequences.

Big hugs
UKg

eta If you haven't done so, start a diary. If you are using a lawyer, get all details of his threatening behaviour written and sent to him/her.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 6:10 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3455 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Thank you everyone for your responses. You help so much to put things into perspective. Even as you are all suffering in your own situations, you have shown so much insight and compassion.
I can't thank you enough and hope that I, too can help others going through this same nightmare and pain.


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Thank you everyone for your responses. You help so much to put things into perspective. Even as you are all suffering in your own situations, you have shown so much insight and compassion.
I can't thank you enough and hope that I, too can help others going through this same nightmare and pain.


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Divorce papers arrived at his work yesterday. He came home to tell me he would look for an apartment and that he would sit down with the lawyers and uncover all of his assets for equal distribution. Laws in my state already dictate that so he is doing nothing over and above. However, he also threatened me with..."If I get any threatening letters from your lawyer, I will get very angry and go to jail if I have to" You see, he is part owner of a large business and I would get 25% of that business in cash...it's a large sum of money. I am sure he is trying to protect that, not to mention that his partner wouldn't like it one bit.
Well that night, he comes home, I have a migraine, and he is all loving and caring. What a tool. Sorry, he may have sweet talked his whore into bed but he can't sweet talk me into reconciling so that he can protect his assets for the future.


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Migraines. Me too. Unable to get up off the bathroom floor at times. Doctors giving injections to stop me throwing up. The sense of violation knowing he told MOW about them.

Back to you. Make sure you are on top of things. If you want or think there is the faint chance of reconciliation, keep things close. Watch carefully. He is still threatening you – if you push, he is willing to go to jail – so that you get nothing!!! Um, don’t think so. Yes, he is trying to protect his assets and you shouldn’t be surprised at that. However, the partner? The partner is going to be pissed if your WH is going down the plughole and is more likely to try and protect his OWN interests. So no worries there! Your WH’s reputation is likely to go down the pan too, and that will be another issue to add to his anger. Expect the unexpected. Be vigilant.

He was all loving and caring to show this side of him that you like. It won’t last. He can only do that for so long before the need to make you into the one at fault returns. Make the most of it, but don’t trust it. It will be short term.

If he and you want reconciliation, you need to get into IC and Mc asap. Otherwise, this is destined for the rapid downhill slide to divorce. Either way, make sure you are ready for any event. Protect yourself, protect your DDs and protect your finances/assets. Seek sound advice, take on board all that is relevant to you from this site and keep to the 180 and “foggy spouse” advice. If you want, you CAN pull back from this, but you have to lay down the rules and adhere to them. He can be in no doubt as to the consequences if he ignores your wishes.

Whatever you choose, we will be there for you, helping you through and holding you up. Be strong. Take control. Be one step ahead. Believe in yourself.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3455 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, November 15th (Friday)

It's another Friday and I am in tears again. The weekends are so tough. I have plans with friends and family but I always looked forward to our plans together. Even if that meant staying home and watching a movie. I hate to admit it but I miss him. 42 years together is a long time. He has been on 2 business trips -one last week and one coming up this week. Even though I have filed for divorce and in my heart I know it's what I have to do, I long for what was and what was supposed to be.
Also, even though my two wonderful daughters understand what is happening and why, my heart breaks for them. They truly are such wonderful, loving, caring young women and it breaks my heart that their dad can't spend time with them during this difficult time. He just keeps on with his life. He should have cancelled those trips and spent time with his daughters. I don't even want to think about what is going on during these trips. I am such a fool for sticking around this long.


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
beginningagain
New Member
Member # 41326
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, November 15th (Friday)

LMom, I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm sorry all of us are going through this. This is the crappiest, most shattering event I have ever been through. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. This forum (I've been reading posts for weeks..just got courage to post) has been a godsend. I cannot explain to people IRL just how overwhelming and all-consuming this is. HUGE hugs to you and your family. I think once the WS realizes he cannot manipulate his way back in, they turn angry/ugly. You are strong. You can do this.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2013
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, November 15th (Friday)

Thank you, beginningagain, I am trying to be strong. Thank you for being here.


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
mychild
Member
Member # 40186
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

Hugs to you.

Gosh, I actually thought that maybe you 2 were going to work it out and that your cheater would do anything...

And you said he said stuff about glad he hurt you and can't wait to fuck all the women he wants?

God, what a fucktard.

I'm so sorry. I am married to a world class cheater - blue ribbon cheater. A tool, a fucktard, asshole.

But - after Dday - never has he said he was glad, didn't care about his family and wants to fuck everything around. Of course, he has fucked a lot of women, so maybe it's been there done that. But to say it - please.

What a 2 year old brat/toddler/shit head.

Sorry, here I was hoping he'd get his head out of his ass and instead he stuck his whole body up there.

I'd get a forensic accountant. Business owners are very excellent at hiding things. You will be fucked over the coals, sweets, if you don't get a forensic accountant. And get a bastard attorney - switch if you have to. Someone who will fuck your fucktard over so badly the last thing your husband will do is to say anything to you, write anything to you, threaten you... These bastard lawyers are worth their weight in gold and it looks like you need the best because your husband is way over the cliff on this one.

And I'm sure there is a ton you don't know about.

Good luck, but with the right lawyer and accountant you won't need it. Maybe start recording all conversations with your husband, even if it's against the law to do so in your state. At least you can re-listen or have your lawyer hear what he is saying.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013
Hope2B
Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

Girl, your WH is 59 years old. He is NOT likely to change, and his lovey-dovey stuff was just fake.

Please find the strength and courage to do what mychild suggested:

I'd get a forensic accountant. Business owners are very excellent at hiding things. You will be fucked over the coals, sweets, if you don't get a forensic accountant. And get a bastard attorney - switch if you have to. Someone who will fuck your fucktard over so badly the last thing your husband will do is to say anything to you, write anything to you, threaten you... These bastard lawyers are worth their weight in gold and it looks like you need the best because your husband is way over the cliff on this one.

And I'm sure there is a ton you don't know about.

If your WH is part owner in a business, along with you having 25%, he is likely to try and pull a fast one on you...and maybe even his other partner. I'm so sorry to say he's not likely to be trustworthy at all, in any way, shape or form.

UKgirl is right on too. Are you familiar with the 180? It may help you during these next days and weeks.

Please protect yourself financially. He's already shown you his true colors. Believe him.

((((LMomof2)))), be strong.


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 359 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
Topic Posts: 74