SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
General
User Topic: Is this appropriate?
Sleepy312
Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 21st (Monday)

My FWH is having lunch with the woman I mentioned before(that cheated on her first husband and divorced him for the affair), and H doesn't know I know he has plans with her, and she signed the last email to him "love, her name".

His last email finalizing date/time ended with this

the important thing is of course the pleasure of your company, and x stories.

Yes, I am paranoid and untrusting. This is a former work colleague, H was friends with her first husband, she tried hard to get H to interview at her firm. The lack of disclosure says enough to me.

Thoughts?


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
maddmurph
Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, October 21st (Monday)

I'm gonna go with no. I know if it was my wife and she wanted to see a former guy from work, I would say no. That sounds like all kinds of bad news to me.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
LoveActually
Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, October 21st (Monday)

Definitely inappropriate. As far as I'm concerned there is no way my husband would be allowed to go to that lunch. The fact that he didn't tell you about it is very concerning. His only job should be supporting you and helping to slowly rebuild that trust he has destroyed--not the way to go about it. I would confront him immediately and either he he should be cancelling the lunch or taking you with him.


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 768 | Registered: Jan 2011
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, October 21st (Monday)

No, not appropriate. We discussed this sort of thing very recently, 19 months post d-day. Our boundaries are no lunches, meetings, walks, talks, e-mails etc with any woman on his own. No exceptions, H quite happy with that.

Sounds like she's fishing and he's taking the bait, especially as he hasn't told you, you found out. Certainly wouldn't be happy with the way he signed off.

If you know when and where they plan to meet I would so love you to just turn up and see his face. But maybe that's just me with the old bitch boots on..


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, October 21st (Monday)

Inappropriate any which way you dress it up.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4871 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
betrayedme2
Member
Member # 40639
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, October 21st (Monday)

Definitely does not pass the smell test!! Maybe show up at the lunch yourself, about 5 minutes late?


dday: 1/19/13
ME: mid 40's
WW: low 40'3
2 daughters, 17, 21
Reconciling

Posts: 83 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, October 21st (Monday)

Holy f-bomb.
No.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1858 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LivingALie
Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, October 21st (Monday)

There is only one scenario where this would be appropriate -and that would be if they were embarking on an affair.

Otherwise - NO, this is not appropriate at all!


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1259 | Registered: Nov 2007
Sleepy312
Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, October 21st (Monday)

So, what am I supposed to do? The reason I know is because I have spyware. He will totally gaslight me if I say something, and I've lied about *how* I found out about other things to cover my use of spyware.

He works an hour away. There's no way I can just show up.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, October 21st (Monday)

2x4 coming, gently I hope!
You know its' not. Time to call him out.. Unless you've set no rules.

You know he's lying to you. So, you close your eyes and let him go, or you pull up your boots and set the parameters of your marriage. NOW.

You have spyware why?! Oh, because he's a liar, and you do not trust him.
She's setting up her next gig, and its him.
You're own tag line tells you.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Drowninginitall
Member
Member # 40968
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, October 21st (Monday)

I won't tell you what I would do at this point with my situation, but that is very extremely inappropriate. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Oct 2013
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, October 21st (Monday)

I too, would show up, with my attorney's card for him.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, October 21st (Monday)

Yup I would show up. If that's not an option, then I would ask him about lunch, and see what you find out, then when the next lunch is set up you will have time to arrange to show up as well.

In the meantime go see a lawyer. He is definitely crossing a line, and you know it.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8089 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Eudaimonia
Member
Member # 32445
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, October 21st (Monday)

Sleepy312,
No, this is not appropriate in any way.

You set up the spyware knowing that you might find something like this. You mind (maybe subconsciously?) has been working out the scenarios and possible outcomes since you decided to install it. Maybe it''s time to confront? Is there a way to confront without admitting to the spyware? You knew this was coming. What is the next step?


So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jun 2011
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, October 21st (Monday)

I would ask a question that would open the door for him to mention the lunch. If it is "innocent", he should tell you.

If he doesn't..........you could phone him when you think he is at lunch, to see if he answers. If he does, and tells you exactly where he is and with whom, you should plan to have a discussion on boundaries.

If he doesn't........I think it is time to confront. just NEVER tell how you found out. He may think someone you know saw them.

Hope it doesn't come to this.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 743 | Registered: Feb 2012
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, October 21st (Monday)

I'm over it. I think it's time for him to be sent out with the trash.

That's your tagline. What's keeping you from following through? (That's a question, not a challenge.)

Given your tagline, though, and given your expectation that your H will lie, what's keeping you from taking action to protect yourself from his lies?

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:33 PM, October 21st (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9940 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, October 21st (Monday)

the important thing is of course the pleasure of your company,

if my husband said/wrote anything like this my decision would be crystal clear. Married men don't say things like that to other women....


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4696 | Registered: Dec 2010
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 3:27 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

"He works an hour away. There's no way I can just show up."

Because.....?

If it's a transport problem I would beg, borrow or steal a car or a lift to get there. If it was 5 minutes round the corner your H would still be surprised to see you, and would know it was not just coincidence that you turn up at the same time and place as him.

So if t'was me that's what I'd do. But first have a very clear conversation with your H about boundaries and where you think they should be drawn, so that he can't turn round later and fob you off with "she was only a friend, didn't think you'd mind, not planning more than a friendly lunch etc etc."


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 3:37 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Just a thought. Don't you hate this sort of thing? Before d-day I never dreamt of sneaking through fWH's stuff looking for clues about what he'd been up to , my d-day was the only time I had EVER gone through his e-mails.And how glad I am that I did, and how I wished I'd been a nosy wife and not totally trusting long before. Hindsight, what a wonderful thing it is.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Thessalian
Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Best case scenario, it's insanely careless. But I agree with this:

I would ask a question that would open the door for him to mention the lunch. If it is "innocent", he should tell you.

I would open the door for him to tell you with something innocent. If he doesn't, unleash hell.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 163 | Registered: Sep 2013
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

He's gonna lie anyway. If you show up, he's gonna say it was innocent and you are paranoid.

This is the deal with Waywards ; they have NO boundaries. Everything is ok with them, because its what THEY want at the moment. He's forgotten your feelings, your pain over the whole A. He is clueless that this is not ok behavior for a MARRIED man.

Reference point: I needed to pay a guy for the balance of a Dave Ramsley class I had been taking at his church and asked the teacher to meet me at Walmart parking lot so I could give him the $$$. He said, sorry, out of respect for my wife, I never meet women without her there.

This is where normal is.

Would you be meeting a guy who signed his email love,joe? without telling your husband?
Nope. You live in reality, your ws is living life in a fantasy bubble.

Are you ready to walk away? If not, keep documenting, see where this is going with this woman. If you are done, then see if a friend can go get pix at lunch, then that night ask him what he did that day. Ask him about lunch, see what he says. Then you can say your friend happened to be at that restaurant.

Leopards never change their spots without massive IC. Sorry.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:01 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2030 | Registered: Jan 2012
Sleepy312
Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Nothing was mentioned about lunch. He did pack his lunch for today so I have opportunity to open that discussion about lunch and see if he tells me.

Yes my tag line is from before d day 2 and I had finally made it to that mental place that I was ok with moving forward without him. So much has happened since march I should change it to floundering.

I will update later.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

You don't need to flounder. You simply must decide what you are willing to, and not to live with.

Make preparations for the worst. Nothing works better then reality for waywards.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I did not mean for you to go meet up with them, I meant for you to go and spy on them. If you see with your own eyes inappropriate behavior, touching, hugging etc then you know, and then you cand walk up and say Hi, I'm MRs. Sleepy, but I will be changing my name to Ms. X (whatever your maiden name was). Walk away. Be done. He knows you saw he knows he did something inappropriate. Then he would know that you know.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8089 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I'm coming in late on this. You said it's an hour away so it's not like you can just pop in and see what's up, but do you know anyone in that area who would be willing to do some recon for you and take pics?


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Kierst13
Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I would continue watching his e-mail. If he doesn't know you are watching they will discuss lunch and where their relationship is going.

Do not let on that you know. They will out themselves in the email soon enough.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
LivinginLimbo
Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

OMG!! My head just exploded. Too bad you couldn't slip something into the fake lunch he packed and ask how he liked it.

I am so sorry that you're dealing with this.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1014 | Registered: Mar 2012
Sleepy312
Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Reference point: I needed to pay a guy for the balance of a Dave Ramsley class I had been taking at his church and asked the teacher to meet me at Walmart parking lot so I could give him the $$$. He said, sorry, out of respect for my wife, I never meet women without her there.

Thank you for that. Makes total sense.

So, update! She canceled saying her day just "blew up". She calls him "dude", and one of his emails started with "hey, fool".

We moved to NYC area. I'm stuck out in the burbs down the street from his mother who has no boundries while he's off in the city working his "dream" job, so I don't know anyone that can spy.

He and kids have been here since the begining of september(to start school and job) while I took care of things back "home". So, I've on ly been here since Oct 1.

I am going to keep tabs on this for now and see what happens with this lunch date. For now, she left it at same time/day next week.

FWIW, as far as he's concerned the old A and EA are long history, and I am not suppose to keep bringing it up. He says he's moved past it, and I've told him that it's not his decision when I forget it or forgive it. He doesn't get it.

We were in MC but he only showed up a few times. He kept making excuses and that's when I had mentally made it to the point of kicking him out, and that is the only reason he showed up for MC.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Yes, I think it's good to keep reading his emails and at the same time try to put $$ aside to help u . Also , see an arty in your state about what way a d might go for u .


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2030 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I feel connected to u because I have been thru similar stuff w my x. There is just no getting thru to them about boundaries . They just don't get it . I finally had to go to alanon to learn how to walk away as these affairs are addictions. Ex: My xwh and I were at a party. Dinner time he goes and gets his plate and goes and sits next to someone's 22 year old daughter. Totally clueless that all other spouses were sitting TOGETHER!!!! He's across room laughing w her! I looked stupid. He never understood my dismay. Time after time was crap like this.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2030 | Registered: Jan 2012
cantgetup
Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry for your situation. It does sound like logistically your a bit trapped. That is rough. But...if I follow correctly your H had a PA, an EA and now this? Is this 3 women, 3 instances? If so, I'm sorry to say from my vantage point, this is a guy who will always cheat. He absolutely does not get it and has no intention of stopping his single while married lifestyle. And yes, you can run down these leads, get your proof, confront him--from what I see here none of that matters. You know what he's up to--same thing as the other times. Have you 180d him ever? Sounds like that might be your answer. That, or your only other choices are Divorce him or resign yourself to a life of being married to a cheater. I don't think reconciling and working on the marriage are viable options. You deserve them, but I just don't see it.

Posts: 306 | Registered: Jul 2012
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

When I was still in the discovery phase and he had no clue he was accidentally sending all his texts to my iPad, I would use the info to mess with his head. I would casually drop parts of things they would say to each other into normal conversation.

He looked so amused, confused and paranoid all at the same time. In a sick way, I enjoyed that part. I would set up a date night with him one night soon and text him during the day on the night of the date and say "really looking forward to the pleasure of your company tonight" or something like that. I'm so immature sometimes!!! Can't help it!


Posts: 632 | Registered: Jul 2013
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 3:50 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

why cant you have him followed by someone he does not know? or a P.I. with a camera ? or do what I did and plant an audio device in the car , most likely if he is having an affair they will leave the restaurant and go someplace else or at least talk while on the way to each other? I hope I am nuts and 100% wrong . I am sorry , all the best


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 622 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

H doesn't know I know he has plans with her

Ask him straight out if he has lunch plans. If he tells you who he is having lunch with, and the truth about e-mailing, then at least the lying boundary has not been crossed. If he lies, you have a VERY clear answer right there, and you KNOW that he knows that what he is doing is inappropriate.

the important thing is of course the pleasure of your company, and x stories.


she signed the last email to him "love, her name".

This sounds flirty to me.

Does he speak like this to other people, or just her?

Ultimately, you two need to sit down and come to an agreement about what is appropriate and what is not. Personally, this would alarm me.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

He had lunch plans and packed a lunch

He is being lying and sneaky.

Add that to you can't talk about his A's because he is over it?

Bitch boots....it's time for some!

At the very minimum I would be at his lunch date next week,after confirming he has no plans.

When he shows up I would let them get comfy then text him and ask him how his day is and what he is doing.

If he replies, with a lie, or doesn't reply, I would text him back that his crap will be on the front stairs for him when he gets home...then I would slip out, unnoticed and hefty his stuff to the curb.

I am really angry for you!


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3792 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Sleepy312
Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

So, last night I picked him up from the train. He had taken a prepared food I bought him the day before.

I asked him how was lunch? He paused with an
uuuh, oh you mean the eggplant?" I was like yea. No mention that he had a lunch planned.

Now, today there is an email to a former work colleague who lives across the country. I think they hooked up when we were dating but living in different cities, but I don't have confirmation of that. Anyway, they emailed back and forth about his new job and discussed talking on the phone which is fine, but he freaking signs the email "tootles" wtf is wrong with this idiot?


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
Topic Posts: 36