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User Topic: grateful for the broken heart
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, October 21st (Monday)

A guy I dated last year was in town and asked me out for a drink on Saturday night. I had really fallen for this guy a year ago, he swept me off my feet and I was crushed when he ended it suddenly and without an explanation a month after we started seeing each other--just stopped returning my calls and my texts. A month or so after he stopped calling, he did get in contact with me and told me why. His reasoning was basically "I was less into you than you were into me." That was the first time I had heard that explanation in this dating experience and as it turns out it wasn't to be the last.

I've learned a lot about myself since then and I'm not the same person in the early stages of relationships now. I hold back more in relationships with men, I'm not as trusting, I'm more cautious, I'm more watchful. And some of those behaviors are beneficial and some are probably not. But it is what I've learned. I don't trust the "fall deeply fast" kind of things like I did...because those are the ones that have bit me in the ass...

Anyway, We have a drink on Saturday night. He flirts. He reminisces. He tests my interest in rekindling a dating relationship. But as I'm talking to him more candidly than I could last year, I realize he did me a favor by ending it. I don't like the way he did that, but I'm glad he did. It was good to be able to say "You hurt me" and for him to acknowledge that. And, although the offer of physical contact and a sexual relationship would be nice, I truly want it "all" in a relationship and won't settle for less anymore. And he isn't "all" that I'm looking for.

One telling thing, in the Saturday night conversation I said I wanted someone who felt very lucky to be in a relationship with me, and I wanted to feel the same way about the guy. This guy said "Why would you feel that way about me?" and he meant that he didn't see himself as a great "catch". We are in different places financially--he is kind of reckless with his money, he has a rocky relationship with both of his kids, he seems to attract women with drama. He has a lot of bravado otherwise, and looks like he is confident about himself, but in that moment I got to see what he really thinks of himself--And it reminded me of my ex in that moment. And how I continually tried to build him up because he didn't really like himself. And how exhausting that was, and how his low opinion of himself probably contributed so very much to the A

So, 15 months ago this guy broke my heart and now I'm grateful. That's a good lesson to remember.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3081 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Spirit13
Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, October 21st (Monday)

I just wanted to say I think this is a really lovely post. The sentiment, the message and I'm glad for your growth.


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
LearningToRun
Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, October 21st (Monday)

How awesome that you see personal growth!

I had a similar experience. There was a guy i was into who went out of his way to let me know he didn't want "anything serious" and i thought that was what i wanted too - but really, it wasn't enough. And when it was obvious it needed to either get serious or end, he wanted to "take a step back" and i just decided to let it end. Once i dropped all pursuit, it ended. I was sad but not devastated. After all, he always let me know he didn't want more. (so i told myself - how silly to think i was an exception)
Fast forward and I have a new guy who is all in. And this old guy wanted to just have dinner as friends. (i cleared it with new guy first) At dinner he went on and on about the new girl he was "not serious about" and man oh man, was i thanking my lucky stars that was no longer me. When it ends, better things are around the corner. I wish i put more faith in this. After all, if i had my way, id still be married and miserable.

[This message edited by LearningToRun at 1:26 PM, October 21st (Monday)]


Posts: 249 | Registered: Feb 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, October 21st (Monday)

I think this is an awesome post, b4me!

I know I am a different person than when I first started dating too. Growth!


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4110 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
waiting2see
Member
Member # 13767
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, October 21st (Monday)

After all, if i had my way, id still be married and miserable.

Amen! Thank God for growth.


me: BS
him: XWS

Much of your pain is self-chosen. ~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923

"It's not livin' that you're doin' if it feels like dyin." Ray Lamontagne


Posts: 1931 | Registered: Feb 2007
waiting2see
Member
Member # 13767
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, October 21st (Monday)

Totally jacked up that quote sitch. Oops.


me: BS
him: XWS

Much of your pain is self-chosen. ~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923

"It's not livin' that you're doin' if it feels like dyin." Ray Lamontagne


Posts: 1931 | Registered: Feb 2007
Topic Posts: 6