SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: Why shouldn't I send a letter to OW
sjf89
New Member
Member # 40308
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, October 21st (Monday)

I have read and see many things that suggest writing but not sending a letter. I am going to post my letter. Why shouldn't I send it?

You committed the ultimate disrespect to the integrity of womankind. Only a very selfish and evil woman would betray a sister and attempt to steal her husband. You were obviously driven by a very warped self-interest. Shame on you. If my husband had lied to you and you did not know that he was married that would be different. Quite the opposite was true in your case. After a lengthy discussion about our personal issues and his proclamation of his love for me you proceeded to seduce him in a sexual way. Taking advantage of an obviously intoxicated, sad and vulnerable man is despicable. You were aware that I had just undergone a very dangerous procedure. Not only that but you knew I had recently lost my 19 year old daughter. A woman with your character can only end up in a very bad place.

Furthermore, you then repeatedly contacted my husband to ask when you could see him for sex, or you would change your plans to be with him when he called you. In the beginning he said the whole thing felt surreal and he wasn't sure what to think. At first he thought you were an identity thief, then he realized - and this is how he refers to you - that you are an "escort and a whore." He said that the flowers he sent you and the gift card were like payment for sex. As the weeks progressed he found it increasingly difficult to find a way out of the situation. He felt extremely guilty and uncomfortable. He told me all the things you said to him and about how no other man could please you like he did. Ask yourself, what kind of woman would take another woman's husband to please her own selfish needs? He also told me that your ejaculation was different in the beginning but he quickly became repulsed by it - he said it tasted and smelled bad and was weird. My husband has a difficult time with confrontation. He felt stuck with you. He didn't like your personality.

You are a mother. What do you think your son would think about you if he knew what you had done? Do you want him to grow up doing the kinds of things that his mommy does? Thankfully, my husband and I are over this tiny blip in the more than 20 years of our wonderful relationship. If you attempt to contact either of us, I will be happy to let son's father know.

I am a great believer in karma, and the vengeance that it serves up to those who are intentionally immoral.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2013
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, October 21st (Monday)

(((sjf89)))

Honestly 1 don't send it.
2. tell her husband he needs to know what he is married too.
Otherwise crickets..
But I love the letter!!!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3185 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
angerisme
Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, October 21st (Monday)

I would not send it to her because she is the enemy. She will use it to laugh at you, it will make her feel superior, and she may use it to get closer to your husband.

My suggestion is to contact HER HUSBAND. That is a MUST! It is also the only way to ensure they stay away from each other...if there is any chance of that at all.


Posts: 172 | Registered: Dec 2012
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, October 21st (Monday)

You shouldn't send it because in doing so you send an explicit invitation to her to reply.

You don't need her to reply, you don't need her to contact you at all. You don't need her justifications, her taunts, or even her apologies. You don't owe her even a chance to do those things.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, October 21st (Monday)

Is there a reason you haven't told her husband?


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1730 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, October 21st (Monday)

Don't bother sending the letter because, frankly, she doesn't care what you think. She doesn't care what anyone thinks about her or she wouldn't be doing what she's doing. Sending her any kind of letter validates her as a part of your marriage history.... she will take it as a stroke up for her, kind of like a award. However, if she's married or has a SO.... I would DEFINITELY tell him what she is doing. He has a right to know.

I know this is hard. REALLY hard. But don't give her the satisfaction of thinking she matters. She doesn't. Sending hugs to you.......


Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 433 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
sjf89
New Member
Member # 40308
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, October 21st (Monday)

Thank you all so much. I must hear your words but I am so driven. I won't send it because you are all right. I really dont want to give her the satisfaction to know that i am so upset. She is actually separated from her son's father. They are not divorced - but I do know she is afraid of him. Should I still tell him?

Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2013
StepAside
Member
Member # 29826
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, October 21st (Monday)

Should I still tell him

If it were me I would. When I told the OBS they too were already separated...but he was able to piece together what happened in his marriage. Just my $.02


Me 48yrs, douche midlife crisis poster boy- 50yrs
too many A's to bother to count, he is a predator that targets loosers like himself
Last Dday April 12/10-Divorcing
We live in a world where the fear of illusion is real

Posts: 1510 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: The Cheese Stands Alone
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, October 21st (Monday)

Sjf89
Honey they villianize the BS so they can step out on their SO!
Dont believe a word she says.
They are liars. Yes tell him!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3185 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, October 21st (Monday)

She is actually separated from her son's father. They are not divorced - but I do know she is afraid of him. Should I still tell him?

As you said, "Separated" is not "Divorced," so things are not final between the two of them. I would tell him and let him make his own choices from there.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
LearnToLoveAgain
New Member
Member # 40950
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, October 21st (Monday)

Chances are she'll lie to you, like the ow did when I sent her one.


Me-BS
Him-fWS
DDay 8/03/13 husband told me not even 24 hours after it happened.

Almost ONS actual sex never took place
Currently in R and doing great.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, October 21st (Monday)

Yes, still tell him.
Their divorce is still not final.

DO NOT send the letter. I am saying this as someone who really really wanted to send the letters that I wrote to OW, but never sent.
Here is one that I posted on here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=495927
It is good to post it on here, like you did, to release it out into the universe. But don't send it to her.

SHE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU, OR SHE WOULD NEVER HAVE DONE WHAT SHE DID IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Why give her anything, even information.
In my case, I believe that OW was smug that she got a MM to break his vows because of her "charms". Probably true in your case also. Why give her more info that she can "get off" on.

The best revenge is indifference. That bothers them, because they think that they are important, & if you & WH are both indifferent to her now it tells her that she is lower than the dirt we walk on.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 5:15 PM, October 21st (Monday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, October 21st (Monday)

As others have said do not send the letter to her.
You may get a reply from her that blows you put of MC.
If in fact your WH was able to sneak out of your New York hotel oom during your anniversary. He was not so innocent, and probably told her plenty of lies. If he could lie to you a wife of 20 yrs, 4 months with her would have been easy.
Don't make yourself sick, she will be laughing at you.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 600 | Registered: Jul 2012
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, October 21st (Monday)

First, yes - tell him. He should know, in case he's having second thoughts. The 'I'm afraid of him' cry is so often heard - it's a ploy to get someone to not tell.

Second - don't send it. I know you want to - we all did. We all wanted to give OW a piece of our mind and tell her exactly what we thought of her. Here's the thing - she doesn't care. She knew he was married. She wanted to seduce a married man. She wanted the ego boost of getting a man that was married to have sex with her, to 'win' over the wife, so to speak. Yes, it's no victory to be a whore, but that's the thought process.

So you send that letter, and she only gets a second ego boost from having sex with the married man. Do NOT give her that satisfaction. She isn't worth it, and she knows everything you put in that letter. We all do, and we've known since kindergarden. She wanted this - she didn't care that it was your husband, she wanted someone's husband. Yours said he loved his wife, and she saw a 'challenge'. No one else would do such a thing. She did.

Maybe she was feeling low that her marriage fell apart. Maybe she was just dumped by someone. Whatever her rationale, she wanted to 'prove' she was attractive. Don't show her she matters, ever.

She won't tell you anything - she'll lie and make herself out to be an equal partner. She'll say he went after her. She'll say he said you were separated. She'll say anything to get you to stop, but inside she'll be gleaming to have caused such an uproar. No, let her die wondering why no one cared.

And again, tell her H. Let him let her know what she is.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1730 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Snowy
Member
Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, October 21st (Monday)

If you expecting a remorseful response from the OP, I don't think you will be successful

When I first thought about the OP, I imagined they would be feeling some sort of guilt for the part they played in the affair.

Unfortunately from what I now know of them, the opposite is true. They are idiots of the highest order.

They do not feel guilty, they resent the BS and they believe they have some sort of entitlement, they are insecure, have low self esteem and will continue an affair for up to 15 years.

What sort of idiot would put their life on hold for 15 years, in the vain hope the WS will leave their spouse? These are the dingbats we are now forced to deal with. Any sane person would wake up in the morning, look themselves in the mirror and say "Why an I wasting my life by being in this relationship".

In my opinion, escorts have more integrity. They know it is just about the money. These other dingbats think there is a happy every after. In the vast majority of cases, that doesn't happen.

They get badly hurt.

Do I have sympathy for them? Absolutely not. Anyone with half a brian can see it wont ended happily.

Sorry for the raving. I needed to get some things off my chest


Posts: 155 | Registered: Mar 2007
Topic Posts: 15