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Just Found Out
User Topic: Just Found Out and Feeling... Lost
momof1girl
Member
Member # 41074
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

After a 15 year relationship and 6 years of marriage, I just found on on October 1, 2013 that my husband has been having a 7 month affair with a co-worker. He says he loves us both and that his gut tells him that he and I will be together in the end, but mine isn't so sure. I'm hurting, lost, confused, anxious... I don't eat, I barely sleep unless I'm so exhausted that I just pass out, and I wake up at all hours of the night. I'm finding it difficult to do for my daughter because all I do is cry and when I'm not with someone, I live in a perpetual panic attack.


D-Day: Oct. 1, 2013

Together 15 years, married 7, 1 child, age 7.

WH: 37 y.o., EA/PA since March
OW: 26, 1 child (not WH's)
Me: 34, BS
Separated Nov. 16, 2013

Does a wedding anniversary still count if you are separated?


Posts: 82 | Registered: Oct 2013
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I am a new member as well to this club which no one wants to belong to. After 36 years of marriage, my D-day was last week. We are here for you sweetie and will help you get through this. People here are at different stages of their recovery and you will get throught this as will I. Read through the HEALING LIBRARY section of this site...it helps...and read the entries from others who have gone through this nightmare as well. They are full of wisdom. Hang in there and lots and lots of (((HUGS))) for you. And as many people have told me...take care of yourself, drink lots of water, eat well, and get your rest. Your precious daughter is there for you.

[This message edited by LMomof2 at 10:30 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Welcome to SurvivingInfidelity

You are already experiencing common symptoms of loss of appetite and poor sleeping. You need to look at making sure that you eat and drink. Try to throw some exercise in there too as that will help.

If you are feeling like you are in a constant panic attack then I'd go to your doctor about that. You might need a medication to break that cycle and allow you to function better.

He says he loves us both

If he truly loves you then why would he be engaging in an affair which he knows is hurtful to you? This sounds more like he is trying to get you to buy into his choice.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51944 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
momof1girl
Member
Member # 41074
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

He says he can't see things continuing for another 10 months (I am not in the marital home right now). Eating just isn't happening. I've tried and I've thrown up every time. I'm ok when I'm with someone (a cousin, my mom), but it's when I'm alone and it's at night that things really hit me. I went out the other night to my high schol reunion, something I always dreamed of going to with my husband by my side. I had to ignore all of my classmates and their mates and for a little while, I forgot I was hurting. But when I got back home? Oh I got my daughter to bed and locked myself in my bedroom and doubled over.
He was always a good husband, took care of us with no complaints. He came home every night. He kissed me goodbye every morning. I've seen him cry over the thought of losing us and I want to believe so much that he and I will be able to overcome this, but the OW keeps coming back. I'm waiting on her to screw up, but while I'm waiting, I feel like crap for wanting this.


D-Day: Oct. 1, 2013

Together 15 years, married 7, 1 child, age 7.

WH: 37 y.o., EA/PA since March
OW: 26, 1 child (not WH's)
Me: 34, BS
Separated Nov. 16, 2013

Does a wedding anniversary still count if you are separated?


Posts: 82 | Registered: Oct 2013
momof1girl
Member
Member # 41074
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I forgot to mention that OW is moving in with him tomorrow. When does the pain stop?


D-Day: Oct. 1, 2013

Together 15 years, married 7, 1 child, age 7.

WH: 37 y.o., EA/PA since March
OW: 26, 1 child (not WH's)
Me: 34, BS
Separated Nov. 16, 2013

Does a wedding anniversary still count if you are separated?


Posts: 82 | Registered: Oct 2013
TheClimb
Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I forgot to mention that OW is moving in with him tomorrow. When does the pain stop?

I am so sorry that you are hurting. It takes a while to get over this. I found that while I could not eat "food", I could keep down liquids. Ensure was my savior. If you haven't already, check out the Healing Library on the upper left hand corner. You will see that you are not alone and many of us have stood in your shoes. Also read up on the 180, this will help you get a little control over your life.

Because he is being such a moron, I suggest you see an attorney pronto and protect yourself and your child. See if you can charge him with abandonment along with infidelity. Have divorce papers drawn up immediately and have his nasty ass served.

Many of us have found that the only chance you have to save the marriage is to let it go. Let him see that you are not going to take this shit and play back seat to some whore. He wants to live with his girlfriend? Fine, then he will no longer be married to you. He doesn't get to decide "which girl wins", you do.

Is the whore married? If so, it will help you immensely if you tell her husband about the affair.

Finally, don't discuss any of this with your husband, he will talk you out of it. He will say that by filing for divorce you are ruining any chance of him coming home. FTG, him screwing that woman is ruining the marriage.

Keep posting and try to get some fluids in. I know this feels like forever and the end, but you are going to be ok.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 458 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
LMomof2
Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

THere is a special place in hell for both of them. You are hurting now and will for some time. I agree that you have to protect yourself and your child by seeing a lawyer. Most offer the initial hour for free. At least talk about how to protect yourself financially. You don't want him to add insult to injury by him doing something irrational with your assets. I know you are wrapped up in your emotions right now and understandably so but try please to protect yourself and your daughter.


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Oh sweetie,
I am so sorry. I know how you felt and still kinda do. I remember all to well those emotions, and the physical toll it took on me. Alot of us do. It takes a MENTAL toll on you as well, When you have a wh that won't give up the AP and is a cake eater or chooses the AP is the most devasting thing that can happen. We can not wrap our brains around why or how they could do this to us and the family they seemed to love so much and were so proud of. Nothing we say will take the pain away but we can help you help yourself in that.
Please eat, a cracker something. The fustration is going to be had because you can't get through to him, you can control what he is doing, and you can't make him have a come to Jesus moment. I tried that for years and sorta still am but not like I use to.
He is broken something in him is broke. I know that is hard to understand when he was such a great husband. I truly feel they get into these A's at first thinking "well this AP really likes me, and they continue with the EA and then the PA comes and you become the enemy. They become evil and spiteful. They say the most hurtful things, it is like they turn into Satan himself. And that is no joke about how my wh treated me. But, please don't blame yourself for this.

Did you move out on your own? You know that is still your home!

If I can give some advice that I never took myself and wish I would have not been so scared would have been to file ASAP and knock him off his high horse. Even if he was still going to be with skanktwat, I would have had a better chance of saving my marriage than I do now with all the crap we went through and will have to go through. So much has been done now that I am not sure about us at all. We are seperated and that is the best thing for me.
I want you to know that we care about you and understand. We will always be in your corner.
Stand your ground, protect yourself and child, and kick his ass off the fence.

That co worker is nothing be a HO and a homewrecker. She is nothing be a jezebell and she will not last.

You are worthy, you are specical, you are loving, caring, and a GREAT wife. It is his damn loss.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
momof1girl
Member
Member # 41074
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Thank you all for the support. Divorce is the last thing I want... as stupid as it sounds, I still love him and always thought of him as my counterbalancer. He was my best friend and he says I was his too... says I AM his best friend. The thought of giving up hurts more than holding on.
The Healing Library link takes me to the FAQ, so I don't know what I am doing wrong.
Also, waking up because my heart hurts so much is triggering my anxiety and I am always shaking. Not shivering, but actually shaking. Has anyone else experienced this? And is it easier when you are angry vs. when you just feel pain and hurt?


D-Day: Oct. 1, 2013

Together 15 years, married 7, 1 child, age 7.

WH: 37 y.o., EA/PA since March
OW: 26, 1 child (not WH's)
Me: 34, BS
Separated Nov. 16, 2013

Does a wedding anniversary still count if you are separated?


Posts: 82 | Registered: Oct 2013
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Here is what I went through, I was 148 and dropped to 114 in about 2 months. I shook all the time, I was forgetful, my mind would not stop racing, my heart was always pounding, I had night sweats, I sweated when I was cold because I was shaking so bad. This last 2 years. I should have been on anxiety meds. I would have panic attacks constantly, I would wake up out of a dead sleep and panic and cry. I cried all the time. I could not get my barrings.
This is all normal. You have been hit with all the emotions at one time. And you will be on a roller coaster. The anger will come and go and get stronger with time at least it did for me.

All of our wh's were are bestfriend and mine still tells me.. but how could a bestfriend throw you to the curb like that and not consider you and your child?

He is having the OW move into your house? HELL NO!

I know you don't want to file and you don't have to. This is your life and you will play it out the way you need to. We are just stating that most that filed right away kicked the wh off the fence.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
Raven96
Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Hi, Honey.

The Healing Library has all things in red. FAQs, Articles, Books, etc. Start reading!!!

It is absolutely true that you have to be willing to let go of your marriage to save it. Let me repeat that: You Have To Be Willing To Let Go Of Your Marriage To Save It.

He wants you both, and he knows he can have it because he knows YOU. Don't let him do this to you. Get to a lawyer to find out what your options are, and do the 180 on him. The 180 is listed in the Healing Library under FAQ for the BS, #11, I believe. Do it now! You can't waste time on this if the whore is moving in tomorrow!

We are all here for you, and I am going to private message you after I post this.

Sending you hugs!!!!! Please take care of YOU and YOUR BABY right now.


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
momof1girl
Member
Member # 41074
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I'm just tired. The past 22 days have felt like a year in passing. Each day feels like I'm rooted in place, trying to figure out how to pick one foot up. Putting it in front of the other is a different story, but this feeling paralyzed is what I can't cope with. Things I used to find enjoyable just don't help. Baking reminds me that he encouraged that hobby. Knitting reminds me that he encouraged that hobby. Cooking is torture because I learned to cook things he would like, things that were different from what I grew up eating and being back in my birthplace, I want to bring different things to my other family.
The dark cloud that resides over my head right now is threatening to suffocate me. I actually considered writing out what I wanted to happen with my daughter (to finish her school year here, then have her father come get her) and I was either going to end it all, or just walk out of the house and vanish. It was so bad that I ended up calling someone I haven't spoken to in a few years at 4 am just to help get me out of that place.
This may not make sense, but yes, he has severely hurt me and as of right now, he still is... but as much as he hurts me, he is the balm for the hurt too.


D-Day: Oct. 1, 2013

Together 15 years, married 7, 1 child, age 7.

WH: 37 y.o., EA/PA since March
OW: 26, 1 child (not WH's)
Me: 34, BS
Separated Nov. 16, 2013

Does a wedding anniversary still count if you are separated?


Posts: 82 | Registered: Oct 2013
Raven96
Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

You need to get to a doctor right away for some medication to make you feel better. No one is worth taking your life. Yes, the old person you knew is the balm, but he is gone.

Please look at your precious daughter and think about how much she needs her mom. Think about all of the things she will need you for in the future.

Please find someone to spend the night with you tonight. You shouldn't be alone. I understand that you are hurting and devastated, but you have so much going for you. Do not let this shell of a person your husband has become destroy you. You have strength inside you. Find it and fight, for you and for your daughter.

Please keep posting so we know you're okay.


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
momof1girl
Member
Member # 41074
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

It's really not just him. I've been doubting myself for a while now. I have been looking for a job and have either not been contacted again or I have gotten rejection letters. I was already feeling down about that and ready to throw in the towel and move back with him... Then he told me about what had been going on. No prompting, no prying. He just outright told me. All he would say was that it had been a few times, but then OW emailed me and told me more... that it had been going on since March, that she had been in our home, and the kicker: that she had gotten pregnant. He and I had been having unprotected sex for years hoping for another child and here she was.. I felt bad for feeling somewhat glad that she miscarried.
I feel like I just want to lie down and sleep the sleep of unfeeling. I don't have a doctor because I can't afford one.


D-Day: Oct. 1, 2013

Together 15 years, married 7, 1 child, age 7.

WH: 37 y.o., EA/PA since March
OW: 26, 1 child (not WH's)
Me: 34, BS
Separated Nov. 16, 2013

Does a wedding anniversary still count if you are separated?


Posts: 82 | Registered: Oct 2013
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

was already feeling down about that and ready to throw in the towel and move back with him

So you had moved out before you found out about the affair? May we ask why? Why did you leave your home with him?

The best way to end his cake eating behavior is to stop being one of his options. Right now, he's lost nothing. He has his girlfriend, and his wife is waiting in the wings. In order for this selfish behavior to stop, he needs to see that his options are dwindling.

If he has lost nothing, what reason does he have to stop? He isn't seeing the pain you're in - he only sees his selfish wants. So, again, if he hasn't lost anything, what reason does he have to stop?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
momof1girl
Member
Member # 41074
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I left because things were really rough financially. He was the sole breadwinner and it was increasingly difficult to take care of three of us, rent and bills. My mother offered to help, but we decided in the end that me and our daughter would likely do better with her for a year. This was supposed to be a year.. not a separation, but a year to both save finances. I keep holding on because OW has messed up a few times and a huge part of me keeps hoping that he will open his eyes. He's said before that he doesn't know what it is. He's also said that this is her last chance. I have so many questions, not just for him, but for myself. I honestly feel like I was contacted because she wanted to stake her claim and rub in what I had just found out.


D-Day: Oct. 1, 2013

Together 15 years, married 7, 1 child, age 7.

WH: 37 y.o., EA/PA since March
OW: 26, 1 child (not WH's)
Me: 34, BS
Separated Nov. 16, 2013

Does a wedding anniversary still count if you are separated?


Posts: 82 | Registered: Oct 2013
Truly
Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I just wanted to send you some (((((hugs))))) and comfort.

Very, very gently... Please read your posts as if you were reading them to your very best friend or sister.

What advice would you give them? and, How angry would you feel?

'She's' messed up a few times?

He has messed up MONUMENTALLY.

Breathe nice deep breaths. Protein snacks and smoothies are good at this time.

You are good mother, you are kind and you are strong.

Sending peace x


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Gently, who cares why you were contacted? Your husband is cheating. You need to stand up for yourself. What he is doing is not right. He will do this for as long as you allow it, period.

Her last chance? When is his last chance??? You realize you are hoping your husband's girlfriend screws up so he will go back to you. He is YOUR husband. Do you really want him if he's only with you because she messed up?

I truly believe the only way to end what he is doing is to force his hand. If he knows you are no longer waiting in the wings, he will be forced to either stop what he is doing, or you will be free and know for certain what the outcome is.

I know this hurts, and it's scary, but what he is doing is unacceptable. Is this really what you want your daughter to think is acceptable? This is the example she is seeing - that it's ok for a man to treat his wife disrespectfully and to have his girlfriend move in, and the wife just sits on the sidelines.

Sweetheart, I feel so badly for you. The pain you are in must be tremendous. Please, don't let fear of the unknown rule you. You have been living without him for some time. You don't need to know you have a husband to be ok. Please, don't accept any more disrespect from this man.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
momof1girl
Member
Member # 41074
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

My daughter is 6.. she has no idea what is going on. She thinks mommy is sick, not sad. She thinks that when mommy cries, it's because she misses her daddy... and in a way, she is right. A huge part of me wonders if he is continuing things because he feels that he has messed up and that there is no redemption for him? That, since it's already started, why not? He says that it kills him that he has hurt me like this... but I don't know anymore. Knowing you hurt the person you called the love of your life should be incentive to stop carrying on with the OW. Maybe he really does need closure. Maybe, just maybe one day I will wake up and realize it doesn't hurt anymore.


D-Day: Oct. 1, 2013

Together 15 years, married 7, 1 child, age 7.

WH: 37 y.o., EA/PA since March
OW: 26, 1 child (not WH's)
Me: 34, BS
Separated Nov. 16, 2013

Does a wedding anniversary still count if you are separated?


Posts: 82 | Registered: Oct 2013
Rabecca
Member
Member # 41076
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

As someone who is still very early in my own process, the one thing I want to emphasize is you have to eat. Trust me, every bite wants to come right back up. For 2 months I was eating maybe 500 or 600 calories a day. I lost more inches then pounds but it was significant. But not eating only hurts you. With out sufficient calories, your judgement is hindered. I think that if I had put more emphasise on eating better earlier I could have started working on myself sooner. You will be able to start to think more clearly when you fuel your brain. For me it was almost a mental exercise and I had to talk myself into every bite. Even now I still have to remind myself to eat because I don't feel hungry. But I do have more up times and I know it is largely from taking better care of myself.


D day August 13, 2013
Me: 29
WH: 28
Together 13 years married 7 years
3 kids (5,3,10 months)

Posts: 63 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Rabecca
momof1girl
Member
Member # 41074
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Every bite *does* come back up


D-Day: Oct. 1, 2013

Together 15 years, married 7, 1 child, age 7.

WH: 37 y.o., EA/PA since March
OW: 26, 1 child (not WH's)
Me: 34, BS
Separated Nov. 16, 2013

Does a wedding anniversary still count if you are separated?


Posts: 82 | Registered: Oct 2013
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

He says that it kills him that he has hurt me like this..

He is a liar. He has compartmentalized this. It may hurt when he sees you, but beyond that? He's doing what he wants and enjoying himself.

You say that when you cry, your child thinks it's because you miss daddy. So when OW is living with Daddy, then what?

I don't mean to be harsh. You deserve so much more than this. Your husband is a selfish cheater who, right now, is being allowed to live with his girlfriend while telling his wife how bad he feels. If he felt bad, would he be moving her in? He wants to keep you waiting.

You deserve more than this. It's up to you if you get it or not, but you do not deserve to stay in this pain.

And I can promise this - your husband does not deserve to have ANYONE waiting for him, or loving him. He's so unlovable. And he knows she messaged you with such hateful words? And still he's going to live with her huh?

Do you want this woman around your daughter? If she goes to visit her father, this woman will be there. Your H should not want her around simply for sending you a hateful message. You are the mother of his child!

I"m sorry - but again, this only goes on for as long as you allow it. There is no happy ending here. If things don't work with OW, and he takes you back, will you be happy knowing that he wanted someone else there but is settling for you because that didn't work? He must choose you - anything less will have you miserable for years.

I'm sorry you are hurting, I am, but you have the power to end this pain. Your H will not stop as long as he has both you and OW, and right now he does. The only way to change that is by you walking away. You can do this. YOu should want ore for yourself. He is not being a loving husband, and you should not accept anything less than a loving husband.

I wish you peace of mind, and clarity. I pray that you soon realize that your H won't stop, and that you must be the one to walk away.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
surviving1963
Member
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I feel your pain. I went from 125 lbs. to 88 lbs. in a matter of months. I lived on grape juice, string cheese - could hardly force anything down. I remember as the sun would go down I could feel the dark clouds gathering around me - such unbearable depression and grief. Sleep was the only escape, and yet I couldn't find it. When I woke at night it would hit again like a tons of bricks.

Please go see an IC and your Dr! It really helps. The advice and validation from a counselor are comforting. The meds (I went on an anti-depressant, anti-anxiety and sleep-aid) helped a lot! I had never needed these types of meds in my life. But, under these types of circumstances you need all the help you can get.

Knowing how you feel I wish I could do more for you. I hope you have a family/friend support system that you can lean on. It is essential.

You are worth so much more than being his leftovers. Take one day at a time. Be strong! Know that we all care and understand. Stay in touch often. Hugs


Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I want to start by saying I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. I think it's time you start processing the sadness into anger. Anger will protect you and propel you to do that which is in the best interest of you and your daughter. You NEED to contact an attorney YESTERDAY. He's already impregnated the other woman - although she miscarried. This means they're not being responsible and your husband is NOT considering your daughter's future despite being under tight financial circumstances already. You need to file for a separation and get a child support order IMMEDIATELY before the other woman gets pregnant again. If she does get pregnant again and files for child support before you, she gets the bulk of his paycheck while you're left with scraps. I understand you're in a delicate state right now, but you must stand up and be strong now. Do NOT allow yourself to be a victim. Do NOT allow yourself to be the butt of a sick and cruel joke. I understand you're convinced your husband thinks he's in too deep so he figures he might as well continue on this path. You may be right. You may be wrong. Whether you're right or wrong about that is neither here nor there - the fact of the matter is that he's getting deeper and deeper day by day and you're passively allowing him to do just that. She's on thin ice with him? So that should make you wait until he gives you the green light back into his life? What makes him such a prize. He has put your life and the life of your daughter in grave danger. It's time to flip the script and turn the heat up on him. If you don't, you'll always be his doormat. It's time to get angry and take action. Don't even THINK about hurting YOURSELF any further than he's so carelessly hurt you - you don't deserve any of that. Make him feel the pain and discomfort of his own actions - it's exactly what these cheaters need to feel from the moment they're exposed as the selfish, cowardly, reckless, wrecks they truly are.
(((Momof1)))

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
momof1girl
Member
Member # 41074
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I medicated last night, to help sleep a little, just some time to be oblivious, and it didn't work. He talked to our daughter on the phone last night and I overheard some of their conversation. He asked her how mommy was, and she said that mommy was sad and sick. He told her to make sure she gave me extra hugs because some were from him. It's 4:40 am now and I just fell asleep at 1:30, but that has been my longest stretch of sleep since everything started.


D-Day: Oct. 1, 2013

Together 15 years, married 7, 1 child, age 7.

WH: 37 y.o., EA/PA since March
OW: 26, 1 child (not WH's)
Me: 34, BS
Separated Nov. 16, 2013

Does a wedding anniversary still count if you are separated?


Posts: 82 | Registered: Oct 2013
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

He asked her how mommy was, and she said that mommy was sad and sick. He told her to make sure she gave me extra hugs because some were from him.

Uggh. That is manipulative self motivated crap.

He was calling his daughter whom he had move out for 'financial' reasons only to move the OW right on in. Uggh. The OW was probably waiting right next to the phone until he was off to PROVE that she is the right choice.

He has you sick for the loss of him and her acting the fool to show she is the 'one' for him. And all he has to do to keep the plates spinning is throw words around. Pretty words. Manipulative words.

Watch his actions. He is living with the OW.
She gets his time and attention and the financial monies that are in that home. Not the family he had move out. Please see him for who he is right now.

That doesn't mean he can't change or climb out of the alien pod he is living in. But you have to deal with who he is today. Not the Husband he was or that you want him to be.

Start with baby steps. Protect your daughter, her rights to CS and yourself.

Please eat. And drink. If you can't keep anything down, you have to go see a dr.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3152 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Listen to what Raven96 has said. You have to be willing to let go. He is playing with both of you. He needs to know that THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
Raven96 is right - let go.
Do the 180.
This might bring him back to reality. And if it doesn't....what the hell have you lost? Best friends do not do this to each other.
So sorry this is happening to you. No one understands the pain better than us. We are here for you anytime day or night. Take care of yourself - eat and drink lots of fluids. It will get easier in time. I didn't believe that either but it is true. Big Hugs to you.

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
momof1girl
Member
Member # 41074
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I read the 180... and I just don't feel ready to do that yet. My heart is hoping that this isn't the end of our marriage. I know it sounds ridiculous and cliche' and like nonsense, but even with this, I still love him. Even with my heart shredded, I love him. I just can't find the anger through the tears and the pain... and I know that you all want me to. That you say the anger will make me feel stronger, but how? I used to be an extremely angry person and one day, he found me. He found me and he sat there patiently and patched the bleeds in me and stitched together the broken and ragged pieces. We could talk about anything and that slowly drifted away. Once we got out cell phones, we started texting each other (jokingly), and it became the norm. We could be sitting right next to each other and we would text instead of talk. How do you know when you are ready to let go?


D-Day: Oct. 1, 2013

Together 15 years, married 7, 1 child, age 7.

WH: 37 y.o., EA/PA since March
OW: 26, 1 child (not WH's)
Me: 34, BS
Separated Nov. 16, 2013

Does a wedding anniversary still count if you are separated?


Posts: 82 | Registered: Oct 2013
Raven96
Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Gently, you will be ready to let go when you get mad...
...mad that he sent you and your daughter away under the pretense of financial burden, when, in fact, he can afford to move his AP into your home.
...mad that he has so little regard for your feelings that he tells you exactly what he is doing and expects you to live with it, because he knows how much you love him and want him back.
...mad that the AP can be so disrespectful of you, and he is not only allowing that, but he is also choosing to be with her over being with you, the mother of his child.
...mad that he is keeping you waiting in the wings while he does whatever the Hell he wants.
...mad that he is allowing his AP to take over your home and your former life.

It will come. This isn't a bad anger...it is a "fight for survival" anger. The man that stitched together your broken pieces so long ago is gone. This person is tearing you apart and causing your bleeds. Don't let him do this to you a moment longer.


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
momof1girl
Member
Member # 41074
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I want to lie down and sleep and just not wake up... the pain crashes over me every minute of the day. Distractions don't help because the pain and anxiety are waiting for me when I return. Being around people helps a little bit, but I know that eventually I will be alone and it scares me. I crave seeing him, but I'm terrified to as well.


D-Day: Oct. 1, 2013

Together 15 years, married 7, 1 child, age 7.

WH: 37 y.o., EA/PA since March
OW: 26, 1 child (not WH's)
Me: 34, BS
Separated Nov. 16, 2013

Does a wedding anniversary still count if you are separated?


Posts: 82 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 30