Just Found Out
User Topic: now what...
New Member
Member # 41077
Helpless  Posted: 11:27 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Hello all, I'm not sure how to go about this, I'm new to this sort of thing, and was told about this sight from a friend. My D-day was a week and a half ago. I'm pretty young, I got married at 23 and I'm just about 26 now. My husband is about the same age. He and I get along great and have much in common, but lately I've noticed a lack of love and attention in our relationship. A year after I married him, I found out that he had had an EA with a woman he'd known longer then me. And he at first denied all, saying that she was a friend, and she was going through an ugly divorce and that he was trying to support her. And I believed him. But about a year later, the ugly truth came out, that he did actually have an EA with this woman, and that he was so sorry, that it was before we were married and he was unsure of the marriage etc etc.

So last week, I'm trying to find a classmate via twitter to invite him out w me and my husband, and decided to see what my husband had been up to. He had several disturbing messages. One set was with another woman that I found out he met through a forum based website he is pretty much always on. Another set is with some wanna be porn star. I found out after the fact that he had gone on some porn sight and watched her porn so much, he won a competition.... (so many things wrong with this sentence) and since he won he got to have convos w her on twitter.. which consisted of him saying how a day wasn't complete without watching one one of videos etc etc...

He wants to go to counselling now, I found out that the reason he married me in the first place was so that I wouldn't leave him like his X before me did. He confesses that he wasn't ready for marriage and still isn't sure if he is ready, but he wants to try. He's not from where we live now, so I moved into my parents house again to get some distance since we can't afford a second apartment. I mostly feel huge amounts of resentment towards him and lots of pain. I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with this; I feel like I may never be able to trust him around any piece of technology ever again!

Should I bail before we end up getting pregnant and bring children into this hot mess? I don't know what the right answer is and I'm not sure who to ask. I'm sleeping on a futon in my parents spare room while he sleeps in our bed in our home after cheating on me.... its very unfair, and I feel betrayed and unsure of my next step...

Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I can only say that having a child "now" would not be wise. You have time to see what happens with the marriage.

I believe "he" needs individual counseling to find out why he thought this behavior was appropriate. MC in my opinion is just a waste of time and money until he has worked on his personal issues.

Read up on the healing Library in the upper left hand corner of the page. There is a lot of good stuff posted over the years by people who have been in your shoes.

No one would fault you for leaving the marriage at this point if that is what you want to do.

"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 466 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

(((hugs))) Your post is so f-ed up in so many ways, and I don''t mean the way that you post, but the bullcr@p that your WH has fed to you. Let me just go on record saying here and now, he''s an ass and doesn''t deserve your toenail clippings.

I am all for R (reconciliation). I''ve gone through and am going through, some pretty emotionally devestating things to try to save my marriage. After 21 years, and with a spouse that is very much in love with me (and vice versa) and who is working like hell to get to the bottom of his disfunctions, I feel that it''s something that I need to do.

But if my spouse ever, ever, told me that

the reason he married me in the first place was so that I wouldn''t leave him like his X before me did. He confesses that he wasn''t ready for marriage and still isn''t sure if he is ready,
, it would be scorched earth behind me. There is no, absolutly no reason to put yourself through the hell that trying to reconcile a marriage marred by infidelity, when both partners are not passionately determined to make it happen. None. And frankly, given when he''s told you, I sincerely doubt that it was all an EA or on-line. People who go looking like that are not satisfied with anything less than sex at some point. I''m so sorry to have to say that to you.

Please keep coming back for support. We''re all here for you. Taking time apart to figure out what YOU want to do, is very smart of you. You are the only person who should matter at this time. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
New Member
Member # 41077
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Thank you Climb and skan, it means a lot that you took the time out of ur day to try and help me out. I took your advice Climb and told him that we should postpone MC until he realizes what he really wants in life.
He says that he still loves me and wants to be with me, but how am I ever suppose to believe this to be true? Am I just a security blanket he wants to hold onto until something bigger and better comes along? I feel like I have no self respect as a modern woman, being claimed as property like that and then discarded in our day to day life's when he finds something more exciting to flirt with.
I can only say that having a child "now" would not be wise. You have time to see what happens with the marriage.

Trust me when I say this, there will be no children for years to come. I had been try hard lately, as I have infertility issues, and now I'm putting that to a grinding halt.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 4