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Just Found Out
User Topic: Affair
Tforde
New Member
Member # 41081
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Lately my wife has been acting strange, she has been working more than normal, disappearing for hours at a time. And texting more than normal. There have been a few times I have walked in the room were she would immediately switch her SMS to a different app. Then today she left her email account logged in and I noticed that she installed a new chat software on her phone with a web component. I clicked on the link and it opened her account to this.


Wife: Whatcha up to today?

John: Just trying to organize stuff on computer a mess and i want u gimpy or not so be good

Wife: Xoxoxo :)

Wife: Have a good morning. Almost back from Lawrencetown office so back into meeting. Text u at break xoxoxoxo

John: Ok xoxooxoxoxo

Wife: Hey again. Miss me yet? :):):):)

John: Yes i do miss u just thinking of the fun that we could of had down there :)

Wife: Oh my yes we could have. So much fun my dear :):):)

To me this is a evidence of an affair, she just sees at being friendly. I don't think it is right for your spouse to talk to another man like this.

What do you think?


Posts: 2 | Registered: Oct 2013
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Yes, Affair. Either in motion or just beginning.
Begin reading the healing library to the left in yellow box.
We are here to guide, so ask any questions.
I'm sorry you are here, but glad you found us.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

You are absolutely right and your wife is trying to gaslight you. If her interactions with this person are so innocent, she should be happy to open up her computer, phone, etc to you. After all, she's got nothing to hide?

Please, please read through the Healing Library (yellow box in the upper left of the screen) as well as some of the bulleted posts for newbies -- "Tactical Primer". Lots of good advice.

Go with your gut. However, it may be that confronting her too early may backfire. In fact, now that she knows you're alerted, she may be extra-careful. I'm sure some here will advise you to gather proof positive before you confront her.

Good luck. So sorry you're here -- but if you're in this awful situation, this is the very, very best place to be. Lots of wisdom and support.


BS (me): 49
WS: 50
Married: 25 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1051 | Registered: Aug 2012
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Do you know who "John" is?
If he's M - tell his wife.

I regularly advise 'going dark' - pretending that her explanation is enough, and you're not on the scent, while quietly gathering evidence.
Sounds like an ongoing PA to me. You'd be safe to assume that in any case, safer for you. (and don't have sex with her right now)
Can you hire a PI?


Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

One trillion percent sure it's an affair of some sort... XoXoXoXo from both of them, plus all the chatter of great times equals affair, most likely PA.

As said, mega gas lighting... Ask her why is she sending hugs and kisses to someone else??? Don't bother, you will get more lies. So true about never naming how you find out anything, EVER! Sorry you are here, and I'm afraid this is just the tip of the iceberg.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
XWW 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 619 | Registered: Sep 2012
Tforde
New Member
Member # 41081
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I already told her I knew and she thinks she did nothing wrong. She feels that talking to him this way is just being friendly, that she talks to her female friends this way. When I tried to explain to her the difference is that he was a man, she just circled back to that they were just friends. So I think I have no other choice but to file for divorce her denial just shows me that she truly does not care.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Oct 2013
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Dude, sorry you are here.

I found out almost the same way. I took the phone and checked her emails, discovered hundreds of emails between them.

I don't know if you have access but get into her computer and get access to her emails before she can delete everything, if she hasn't already. Check the trash boxes and sent emails (my wife had forgotten to clear those, which lead me to the secret account).

But yes, this is an affair. So even if you don't find more. You don't really need it. Find out who John is and reach out to his wife.

You are absolutely right and your wife is trying to gaslight you. If her interactions with this person are so innocent, she should be happy to open up her computer, phone, etc to you. After all, she's got nothing to hide?

This. Demand her phone. If she refuses, you have even more confirmation.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Classic affair behavior and language. Right down to the "Miss me yet?" line and the "just friends" lie.

I'm truly sorry. Infidelity sucks, and here at SI, we know.

I would suggest seeing an attorney. If there's any chance of R, she has to wake up, and nothing says "Reality's calling" like divorce papers.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Bro, she has been caught and is now trying to justify her behavior. Don't fall for that one. What she is doing is cultivating an eventual PA. Take a hard stance now or face a ton of problems later. The 2 of them are pouring gallons of gasoline on your M. They are just waiting for the opportunity to toss a match and burn the fucker down. I suggest you take action before that happens. And BTW she is having an A. An EA, but an A none the less. Good luck my man.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Nov 2007
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Chances are good they will take it underground to get you off their trail.

Is 'John' married? Tell his wife.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 573 | Registered: Mar 2003
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I'm sorry your here.

"Just Friends"?

I doubt it.
Not from what you posted.

File, you can always stop it if your WW wises up.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 443 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Thorde,

I think SI is a great resource BUT one area I think we tend to fail in is when posters come here asking if certain behavior confirms an affair. I think that we tend to be overtly-eager to see any questionable act as clear indication for infidelity.
In your scenario – based on the messaging you posted – I have no qualms about posting that I think your wife is having an affair. I am also strongly inclined to think it’s physical.

Let’s analyze some of the text.

The following texts are inappropriate but might be excused as office banter:
Wife: Hey again. Miss me yet? :):):):)
John: Yes i do miss u just thinking of the fun that we could of had down there :)

The following are blatant sexual innuendo, indicating this is already a physical affair:
John: Just trying to organize stuff on computer a mess and i want u gimpy or not so be good
John: Yes i do miss u just thinking of the fun that we could of had down there :)
Wife: Oh my yes we could have. So much fun my dear :):):)
[Taken in the context it is in this is very sexual]
Wife: Xoxoxo :) [LOL or LMAO or () would be banter – hugs and kisses… NO – crosses the line from banter to sexual innuendo]

OK – So unless she can convince you otherwise then simply ASSUME it’s an affair. And act accordingly.
Now – One of the things we BS tend to misunderstand is the concept of “proof”.
If infidelity factors at ALL in a divorce and if you are headed towards divorce then proof has a significant role. In that case you need a confession or legal-level proof. You know – glossy photo’s, hotel receipts and all that. This is best left to a PI because he will know how to make sure the evidence is fit for court.
If however infidelity does NOT factor (and frankly it more or less never does) then all you need is to convince YOURSELF. That’s the level of “proof” you need: Enough that YOU are convinced its infidelity.
You don’t have to prove to her that she’s cheating. You don’t need to catch them in the act. You only need to be convinced yourself. Yes – she will counter, but frankly I can’t see that in ANY world the above text would be “normal office banter”.
I do recommend you do more – that you get more evidence. Not to convince yourself because you already KNOW the truth. Its more to have aid in convincing the right people because if you want the affair to end you WILL need to convince some other people.

Since you confronter her with what you have (and that’s fine) the affair will go underground. They might cool it off for some time. But it won’t end. The admins ask that we don’t post specific ways to gather proof here in the open but I think it’s OK for me to give you one clue: They need to communicate and using chat won’t be enough. They will communicate in an environment where they are alone and feel safe in. It’s highly unlikely that it’s the office (people want to avoid the gossip) so it will be lunch-hours, after work and the commute. You don’t need a rich imagination to think of ways to hear what goes on in the commute or whether she is where she says she is (or should be).


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5484 | Registered: Sep 2005
betrayedme2
Member
Member # 40639
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Bigger has said it. Sorry Tforde! It'll go underground. Eye's open. Demand access to phone and access to everything...phone, computer, all email accounts, Facebook, Myspace, any and all social media, including business related ones. Everything in a marriage should be an open book. Credit cards, bank accounts, everything! To make sure there are no secret credit cards have her run a free credit report with you watching. If she says no or refuses to any of these.....you know. You already know in your gut, it's just hard to really believe it's happening. Even when confronted with the cold hard truth I didn't want to believe it. I wanted it to be a dream/nightmare and that I'd wake up. You're in the early stage, the more you confront, the more it'll be hidden. Eyes and ears open. If it smells rotten, it's rotten.

Sorry friend. It sucks!


dday: 1/19/13
ME: mid 40's
WW: low 40'3
2 daughters, 17, 21
Reconciling

Posts: 83 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

After being on this site a while, I'm convinced that people start out wanting proof because they want the WS to admit what they're doing. But the critical thing about proof is to convince YOURSELF that you are not divorcing or "over-reacting" based on some lunatic idea, but because your spouse did something really, really shitty. This is especially important when your spouse does the innocent "just friends" thing. You need proof to hang onto, to bolster you as you go through this incredibly difficult thing. I know many of us feel like we're debasing ourselves by doing this, by getting keyloggers etc, but... your spouse is playing dirty, time to get your own hands dirty.


BS (me): 49
WS: 50
Married: 25 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1051 | Registered: Aug 2012
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Proof is for us- because we can't get our trusting heads around infidelity. They gaslight us and gathering proof is how we bring ourselves back to reality and gather strength. Sometimes gaining that strength takes awhile.

Bigger is right. I always read his posts. I think it's a PA too: "I want you", "thinking of the fun we could have had" smacks of already tasted of the apple.

It sucks. Sorry.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Absolutely, Blobette, thank you for bringing that up.

And Tforde, I'm sorry you find yourself here. Those messages read a lot like the first ones I saw between my WW and the OM. Nothing explicit (they saved those for comments in documents on Google Drive), but a lot of wistfulness and playfulness that set off alarms for me.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
dontknowwhyme
Member
Member # 21587
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

John: Just trying to organize stuff on computer a mess and i want u gimpy or not so be good

Does anyone understand this statement? What does "I want you gimpy" mean?


BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
D-Day3:11-3-10
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

Posts: 987 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
dontknowwhyme
Member
Member # 21587
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Or is it two thoughts broken up like this

1.Just trying to organize stuff on computer

2.(I'm) A mess and I want u, gimpy or not, so be good


BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
D-Day3:11-3-10
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

Posts: 987 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Yep, that's it. Two thoughts in one text line.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

“Gimpy” can be urban slang for a retarded slow or backward person or it can be someone feeling physically not fit (limp, sore muscles etc).

Just trying to organize stuff on computer a mess and i want u gimpy or not so be good

If this was the only sentence we had from the conversation I would try not to see an affair in that sentence. I could rewrite it:

Doing some mundane boring work that is driving me crazy and I want to meet you so be considerate to me if I’m in a bad mood/off when we meet.

However…

Reading it in the context of all the other texts:

Doing some mundane boring work that is driving me crazy and I want to have sex with you even if my mood would put you off so be nice to me.

One thing you definately do is get some info on the OM.
What is his work-relationship with your wife? Same level in the hierarchy? Same location? Same department? These factor impact how we will advise you to move on. Plus is he married? A big big issue.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5484 | Registered: Sep 2005
LivinginLimbo
Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

UGH!! My FWH and the whore used the juvenile "xoxo" in their correspondence. I swear they revert to being 12 year olds.

I am so sorry that you're dealing with this. It ripped my heart out when I saw the texts with the moronic xo's. As others have said, she's most likely cheating.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 996 | Registered: Mar 2012
Truly
Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)


Yes, I believe your wife is having a PA.

Just wanted to add a comment about *proof*.

I gathered much evidence, not for legal reasons but so I could determine what was lies when I was later told them; when he went off to the gas lighting, TTing fantasy land of the typical cheating fool.
I don't know if this was a 'good' idea but it means, even now, when crap falls out of his mouth I can say (and do), " I call bullshit on that. Try again."
It helps me that he knows that I know when he's lying...meh...


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

I had someone try to do something similar as this with me recently, who is married, and found out I'm divorcing. For a time I electronically chatted back, but he would steer the conversation to places I thought were inappropriate for a married person. I would stop contact and he would try again.

Oh, it was never actual talk of physical stuff, but flirty and going back down memory lane to times when we were physical. I wondered if it was leading up to something like your wife was doing.

I finally tested it out and asked him, "does your wife know that you write to me?" He said yes, but you know what? he hasn't written back!

Yes, I agree on the signatures unfortunately and find that people get hugely juvenile during affairs-OW in the case of XPervert actually puts flashy hearts on her social network pages with him on it...it looks ridiculous for "grown ups".

I'm sorry for your hard time, limbo, but glad you're thinking. Time to watch, time to plan.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 23