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Reconciliation
User Topic: weakling
brknwmn
Member
Member # 40603
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

There is nothing that bothers me more than feeling weak. I grew up seeing my dad treat my mom like shit (physical abuse and infidelity) and I remember being so angry with her. Like why can't she just leave? Why is she so weak?

Looking back I now see how strong she really was. I couldn't handle a man hitting me...alcoholism...infidelity (to the point of having a child with one of the OW)...and she was there for him...I know that she really loved him...

My FWH has never hit me (I would beat the living crap out of any man who tried) but he did cheat...just like his father did to his mother...

It makes me sad that we both came from homes that had physical and emotional abuse in them...I got help (counseling) when I was younger...he never had the opportunity.

SA is helping him as far as part of his therapy...I just can't afford my own IC and know that I need to scrounge up the money somewhere

I feel weak bcuz my sense of self is pretty much shattered. I don't want my son to EVER look at me as if I'm weak for trying to make this work.

I used to be such a confident person...I don't know where that person is anymore...I hate him for not being able to control himself bcuz he will never know how much he really took from me...I want this to work and he has been doing everything in his power to make this work...I just take 2 steps forward and it feels like 20 steps back...

I'm sick of crying and being inside my own head...I want to be blissfully happy again


Me: 26 BS Him: 29 WH
Together since Dec 2005
officially done 10-30-13

Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.


Posts: 78 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

When I read this post, I didn't feel like I was reading the words of a weak person, brknwmn. I think you have some very strong qualities about you, just from what I've read here... your desire for a better life that the generation before, and your desire for a better life for the next generation.

What types of healthy activities can you do to help you build up your confidence? Are there any hobbies, exercises, volunteer work, you can sink yourself into a bit? All of those things can really make a person feel better about themselves.

Hang in there. You are strong, and you will get through this.


Posts: 7481 | Registered: Dec 2010
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

brknwmn, I feel your pain, truly. I just wrote a 3 page diatribe on why I'm just not good enough. i hate feeling this way. I hate knowing what I know. I hate knowing how much I lost when he cheated. I lost my confidence, my self esteem, my feeling that I could achieve anything What he left is a scared shell of a woman. Some days are better than others, and some seem half normal, but then there are days like today, where I want to crawl in a hole and never come out.

brknwmn, you are much more than you believe you are. Look at how you have analyzed where some of your issues stem from and you were able t get counseling at a young age to help. You are a great mother, I'm sure. How? Because you are already concerned with the image you are portraying for your child. Many women never realize the strong affect a mother has on a child. You not only realize it, but you want to be certain you are setting the best example. You are so far ahead of the curve there.

I wish I knew how to give you that break you want. I know that when I find some 'quiet' time, my mind really goes off. I can't even sleep without the TV on all night now. I can't be alone with my thoughts.

I'm sorry - you've reached out for help, and I rambled on about me. Well, I hope you realize you aren't alone, and you aren't the worthless person his cheating has made you feel like. You are a strong woman, a great mom, and you really learn from your experiences. You've decided to make this work - you aren't there out of fear. You made this decision, and staying is much harder than leaving imo.

Don't mistake that comment - I'm sure leaving is very difficult, but to stay? To give someone that has hurt you so deeply another shot? To allow them to stay in your life and to open your heart to them even after they have already shattered it? That takes amazing strength.

You be proud, brknwmn. You are amazing. You deserve happiness. You have so much value - much more than you realize. I hope you do realize even a small part of it soon. You're too good to be so down on yourself.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 8:49 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I can understand where you are coming from. I watched my father have an A on my mother. She would have left, but couldn't afford to do so...so she stayed. Found out years later that was one of many affairs he had. I swore that would never happen to me and I would make sure I had a job in which I could support myself and family if it happened.

Sure enough it happened. Yet I stayed...I many times have felt like I was weak. While I had always been an independent woman, I felt suddenly that I couldn't think on my own and felt very weak. I didn't stay on course when my H had his A.

In reality, I have discovered that indeed we are not weak. This is one of the hardest things we will ever deal with in our lives. We are not weak...we are strong, we will survived. We are stronger by living through this nightmare.

You are a strong woman. Believe in yourself.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1642 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
brknwmn
Member
Member # 40603
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

thanks all.

What types of healthy activities can you do to help you build up your confidence?

I'm actually an artist and haven't had much time for that. I'm taking my little man into daycare early tomorrow since I don't have to go into work until 230 and plan on painting all day. I'm so excited about it and it always puts my head back in a good place.

I'm sorry - you've reached out for help, and I rambled on about me.
no worries. I appreciate how supportive you all are and it helps to know I'm not the only one...that i'm not going crazy

We are not weak...we are strong, we will survived. We are stronger by living through this nightmare.
thank you

i agree that staying is way harder than leaving...it truly sucks bcuz my BIL (his brother) recently did this to his own wife...they both had a long discussion & his brother is doing SA as well...I talked to my SIL (i guess) and she said "they will never find anyone to replace us. only someone who can show them how stupid they are for messing up in the first place"

basically the OW is never as good as we are...our WHs are just idiots

Thanks again. you guys really helped me tonight...I was in a bad place mentally...lots of love and hugs to you all


Me: 26 BS Him: 29 WH
Together since Dec 2005
officially done 10-30-13

Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.


Posts: 78 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

hugs to you....

i have felt the exact same way on many occasions. i think what has helped me after months and months of ic...is that i have told him clearly, looking at him dead in his eyes, without hesitation....whether it be in mc or one on one...that if he were to ever cross the line again...if he were to ever cross my boundary with regards to cheating in any fashion...that his decision to do so would be a lethal, and irrepairable to the marriage...and that i would divorce him without question.

i was pathetically weak with my h before, during, and even during the false r...just pathetic. that woman is dead. i have come to undertand and accept my value and my worth.

that has given me strength. when i have said this to him...not as a threat...but simply as a mere fact....the look in his eyes is different...a kind of "knowing" that i am not fucking around...and mean exactly what i say.

my h has cheated on me big time....more than once...and i found out about the whole dirty mess in one big heap....tt....lies....false r...the discovery of ow...you name it...all wrapped up into a horrific few years.

he does not get another chance. and i think loving and respecting myself enough to know that "i can do better than his ass" if this were to happen again....makes me feel strong.

soooo, i try to be happy. i try to move forward...and i try to make the m work....of course he is putting in the work too. but i work on trying my best to heal.

but in the back of my mind...i know that no matter what HE does, i will be okay. without him.

and eventually, i will move on and meet someone else.

i never thought i would look at my m like this..but after cheating....i would be a fool not to.

i dont believe in unicorns and rainbows anymore...life isnt like on tv. you have to have bitchboots to survive infedelity with some dignity.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 973 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
brknwmn
Member
Member # 40603
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

puttin on my bitchboots now


Me: 26 BS Him: 29 WH
Together since Dec 2005
officially done 10-30-13

Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.


Posts: 78 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 7